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Post by lily on Sept 28, 2005 19:08:13 GMT -5
There's a concept in social psychology called 'justification of effort'. This refers to the tendency of individuals to increase their liking for something they have worked hard to attain. Since getting an SO is a monumental task for a shy person, it's possible that this tendency is coming into play in the well-known tendency of shy people to have crushes. We already know that most people are willing to work hard to get something they really want. What most of us are unaware of is that the inverse is true. If you spend a great deal of effort to get something, you will try to convince yourself it is worthwhile even if there's evidence to the contrary. Research has demonstrated repeatedly this tendency in people. For example, if required to go through a demanding or unpleasant experience in order to attain a goal, people overwhelmingly rate the goal more highly and more attractive. (This is the concept behind hazing as well.) So, say you're attracted to someone. But you're shy. Even just doing the simplest thing to try to attract that person's attention is extremely difficult. Your first attempts to speak to the person is agonizing. Asking them out nearly causes aneurism. What effect does this have? Well, according to the concept of justification of effort, you will find the person increasingly more attractive with every effort you make to get closer. It kind of goes like this, "I'm expending so much effort to get close to this person, s/he must be REALLY attractive and wonderful!" Yeah, I know. It sounds dumb. But from what I've read, I think this is exactly what goes on with shy people and crushes. Of course, this doesn't mean that people we have crushes on aren't worthwhile, it just means we have a tendency to JUSTIFY our behavior by EXAGGERATING their attractiveness and wonderfulness. So just a little something to watch out for that might help keep it all in perspective a bit.
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shyni
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Post by shyni on Sept 28, 2005 19:46:23 GMT -5
I agree with you Lily. When I like somebody and I try to talk to the person or make an effort to make him like me I tend to like him more specially if he seems not to notice me. It's weird because once I know that the guy likes me too then I don't like him anymore becasue I know I made it happen!!!!
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Post by lily on Sept 28, 2005 20:13:57 GMT -5
I agree with you Lily. When I like somebody and I try to talk to the person or make an effort to make him like me I tend to like him more specially if he seems not to notice me. It's weird because once I know that the guy likes me too then I don't like him anymore becasue I know I made it happen!!!! I think you might wanta think that last part through again. You made it happen? What - you made him like you? Are you that powerful?
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shyni
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Post by shyni on Sept 28, 2005 20:18:49 GMT -5
I agree with you Lily. When I like somebody and I try to talk to the person or make an effort to make him like me I tend to like him more specially if he seems not to notice me. It's weird because once I know that the guy likes me too then I don't like him anymore becasue I know I made it happen!!!! I think you might wanta think that last part through again. You made it happen? What - you made him like you? Are you that powerful? yep!
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Sept 28, 2005 20:20:28 GMT -5
I agree with you Lily. When I like somebody and I try to talk to the person or make an effort to make him like me I tend to like him more specially if he seems not to notice me. It's weird because once I know that the guy likes me too then I don't like him anymore becasue I know I made it happen!!!! I think you might wanta think that last part through again. You made it happen? What - you made him like you? Are you that powerful? Maybe that is where the push pull game comes from. If I knew someone was going to stop liking me as soon as they knew I liked them, I would never bother trying to like someone as it would be too disappointing and painful. Thankfully there are people that don't do that.
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Post by lily on Sept 28, 2005 20:23:30 GMT -5
I think you might wanta think that last part through again. You made it happen? What - you made him like you? Are you that powerful? yep! whoa! i'm impressed! when are you gonna publish your first book? be sure to post the info here!
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shyni
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Post by shyni on Sept 28, 2005 20:24:57 GMT -5
whoa! i'm impressed! when are you gonna publish your first book? be sure to post the info here! Sure I will don't worry Lily!!
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shyni
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Post by shyni on Sept 28, 2005 20:26:18 GMT -5
I think you might wanta think that last part through again. You made it happen? What - you made him like you? Are you that powerful? Maybe that is where the push pull game comes from. If I knew someone was going to stop liking me as soon as they knew I liked them, I would never bother trying to like someone as it would be too disappointing and painful. Thankfully there are people that don't do that. I don't do it on porpuse though that's why I said it was weird cause I just stop liking the guy probably it must be a psycological issue or something, but I don't do it cause I'm mean it just happens. I think I get scared.
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Post by lily on Sept 28, 2005 20:28:25 GMT -5
Maybe that is where the push pull game comes from. If I knew someone was going to stop liking me as soon as they knew I liked them, I would never bother trying to like someone as it would be too disappointing and painful. Thankfully there are people that don't do that. I don't do it on porpuse though that's why I said it was weird cause I just stop liking the guy probably it must be a psycological issue or something, but I don't do it cause I'm mean it just happens. seriously, if you really do have a pattern of not liking people unless they are indifferent to you, sounds like a self-esteem issue needs some work.
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shyni
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Post by shyni on Sept 28, 2005 20:31:34 GMT -5
I don't do it on porpuse though that's why I said it was weird cause I just stop liking the guy probably it must be a psycological issue or something, but I don't do it cause I'm mean it just happens. seriously, if you really do have a pattern of not liking people unless they are indifferent to you, sounds like a self-esteem issue needs some work. I didn't try to say that Lily, anyway everybody can make any sort of assumptions that's okay with me I also like people that feel atracted to me otherwise I would not have had a realtionship. I had three serious relationships so that shows that it happens all the time. Anyway I respect other's criteria
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Post by lily on Sept 28, 2005 20:41:20 GMT -5
seriously, if you really do have a pattern of not liking people unless they are indifferent to you, sounds like a self-esteem issue needs some work. I didn't try to say that Lily, anyway everybody can make any sort of assumptions that's okay with me well, i did say 'if' so i don't think i was making assumptions. it's just how it sounded to me. but if you don't want to discuss it that's cool.
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shyni
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Post by shyni on Sept 28, 2005 20:44:26 GMT -5
I didn't try to say that Lily, anyway everybody can make any sort of assumptions that's okay with me well, i did say 'if' so i don't think i was making assumptions. it's just how it sounded to me. but if you don't want to discuss it that's cool. You were making a valid assumption Lily is just that I could've been more explicit I guess.
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Post by Bodhi on Sept 28, 2005 21:51:24 GMT -5
There's a concept in social psychology called 'justification of effort'. This refers to the tendency of individuals to increase their liking for something they have worked hard to attain. Since getting an SO is a monumental task for a shy person, it's possible that this tendency is coming into play in the well-known tendency of shy people to have crushes. We already know that most people are willing to work hard to get something they really want. What most of us are unaware of is that the inverse is true. If you spend a great deal of effort to get something, you will try to convince yourself it is worthwhile even if there's evidence to the contrary. Research has demonstrated repeatedly this tendency in people. For example, if required to go through a demanding or unpleasant experience in order to attain a goal, people overwhelmingly rate the goal more highly and more attractive. (This is the concept behind hazing as well.) So, say you're attracted to someone. But you're shy. Even just doing the simplest thing to try to attract that person's attention is extremely difficult. Your first attempts to speak to the person is agonizing. Asking them out nearly causes aneurism. What effect does this have? Well, according to the concept of justification of effort, you will find the person increasingly more attractive with every effort you make to get closer. It kind of goes like this, "I'm expending so much effort to get close to this person, s/he must be REALLY attractive and wonderful!" Yeah, I know. It sounds dumb. But from what I've read, I think this is exactly what goes on with shy people and crushes. Of course, this doesn't mean that people we have crushes on aren't worthwhile, it just means we have a tendency to JUSTIFY our behavior by EXAGGERATING their attractiveness and wonderfulness. So just a little something to watch out for that might help keep it all in perspective a bit. Wow, that is an eye opening theory, because I think I've fallen victim to it. If anyone read my posts about this girl I had a crush on about two monthes ago, I think it falls exactly in line with that theory. At first I just saw her around work and was attracted to her, but not to any great extent, and didn't put any effort in talking to her or anything. Yet at some point I decided to try and talk to her and really focussed on approaching her and put alot of effort into it. And just like the theory I became even more attracted to her and thought she was immensly better than I had originally thought. I did eventually manage to approach her and talk to her, something I had never done with a girl I had a crush on before and it took tremendous energy for me. And that did make me feel really attracted to her and that she was almost perfect in my mind. Yet I think now it was that psychology at work, since I had put so much energy into thinking about her and talking to her that my mind made her this perfect person to justify my effort. Its kind of sad, but I think I feel a little better since I never went out with the girl, and now I know maybe she wasn't as great as I thought, it was my mind tricking me to an extent. Yet knowing this psychology, is there any way to use it on someone else to get them to like you?
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Post by lily on Sept 28, 2005 22:51:36 GMT -5
There's a concept in social psychology called 'justification of effort'. This refers to the tendency of individuals to increase their liking for something they have worked hard to attain. Since getting an SO is a monumental task for a shy person, it's possible that this tendency is coming into play in the well-known tendency of shy people to have crushes. We already know that most people are willing to work hard to get something they really want. What most of us are unaware of is that the inverse is true. If you spend a great deal of effort to get something, you will try to convince yourself it is worthwhile even if there's evidence to the contrary. Research has demonstrated repeatedly this tendency in people. For example, if required to go through a demanding or unpleasant experience in order to attain a goal, people overwhelmingly rate the goal more highly and more attractive. (This is the concept behind hazing as well.) So, say you're attracted to someone. But you're shy. Even just doing the simplest thing to try to attract that person's attention is extremely difficult. Your first attempts to speak to the person is agonizing. Asking them out nearly causes aneurism. What effect does this have? Well, according to the concept of justification of effort, you will find the person increasingly more attractive with every effort you make to get closer. It kind of goes like this, "I'm expending so much effort to get close to this person, s/he must be REALLY attractive and wonderful!" Yeah, I know. It sounds dumb. But from what I've read, I think this is exactly what goes on with shy people and crushes. Of course, this doesn't mean that people we have crushes on aren't worthwhile, it just means we have a tendency to JUSTIFY our behavior by EXAGGERATING their attractiveness and wonderfulness. So just a little something to watch out for that might help keep it all in perspective a bit. Wow, that is an eye opening theory, because I think I've fallen victim to it. If anyone read my posts about this girl I had a crush on about two monthes ago, I think it falls exactly in line with that theory. At first I just saw her around work and was attracted to her, but not to any great extent, and didn't put any effort in talking to her or anything. Yet at some point I decided to try and talk to her and really focussed on approaching her and put alot of effort into it. And just like the theory I became even more attracted to her and thought she was immensly better than I had originally thought. I did eventually manage to approach her and talk to her, something I had never done with a girl I had a crush on before and it took tremendous energy for me. And that did make me feel really attracted to her and that she was almost perfect in my mind. Yet I think now it was that psychology at work, since I had put so much energy into thinking about her and talking to her that my mind made her this perfect person to justify my effort. Its kind of sad, but I think I feel a little better since I never went out with the girl, and now I know maybe she wasn't as great as I thought, it was my mind tricking me to an extent. Yet knowing this psychology, is there any way to use it on someone else to get them to like you? sure. i think it's usually called playing hard to get.
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Post by zaab on Sept 29, 2005 2:37:26 GMT -5
If you ever read the Speed Seduction type sites, that's a major part of their strategy, pull back, act indifferent and make the girl come to you once you determined she has an interest. Though I don't take the advice too seriously, there is a lesson in there somewhere. Its a good idea to hold back at least a little bit, especially at first and make the other person realize you're a valuable commodity and not needy and completely at their beck and call. There's a reason why people date once a week at the start of a courtship.
But, yeah, I agree, shy people are very vulnerable to the crush effect for the reasons you mention, Lily.
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