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Post by charge on Sept 13, 2006 22:16:32 GMT -5
I think many of you know the theory about shyness and how to change it by now. Then what is holding you back from letting your shyness go?
You have to stop caring so much about what others think of you. And you have to stop seeking approval from others. Give YOURSELF the approval you need. You have to put yourself in the center of your universe and look at other people as merely guests in your reality. YOU are the most important person in your life. All the rest are just extras in the movie that is your life. Start living like a main character.
So, what's the problem?
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Post by MrNice on Sept 14, 2006 0:36:16 GMT -5
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is
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Post by Paulinus on Sept 14, 2006 6:04:23 GMT -5
I may know a bit about why I'm shy etc. But changing that is not something that can be done at the click of a finger. I've got a whole life of thinking like this to undo.
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Post by charge on Sept 14, 2006 8:09:21 GMT -5
Not anymore.
You have to apply it, not just know it. I am not saying that the change is going to be instant. I know that many years of shyness is not going to be turned around over night.
When you're constantly focusing on and worrying about your shyness, your perceive a problem in your relation to others. How about not obsessing over how shy you are all the time, but put that issue on the shelf for a while? Then start living like you are the main character in your life. Focus on your interests, learning new things, enjoying things, and do not obsess over how shy you are. This will only make you self-conscious and reinforce your shyness. It's like a viscious circle. I am sure you already know this.
You have to change your emotional reactions to what people say to you. You have to set up a psychological shield around you where YOU are in control of what you will accept from others, and what you are going to deny on the border before it hits you. This is just another way, and one of the implications of saying you have to be the center of your universe. When you're the center, you are in control of what kind of input you will allow from other people.
I suspect that many people are shy because they do not have this shield in place, and they tend to get negative emotional reactions from what others say, without being able to control it. But you can control this, with practice. That is my conviction. As you get more and more control over your own emotional responses, you will be less and less afraid of saying the wrong things, because you know you will be able to handle the feedback you get from others. You're no longer relying on what others think. You're not looking for their approval and confirmation any more. (Who cares what they think??)
I know this is easy to say and a lot more difficult in practice.
Hot tip: if you find it difficult to keep the aforementioned control as you practice not to be shy, avoid eye contact with the encounter because it will make you more vulnerable as to what they may say. It's far easier to keep in control when you're not looking at the person. Forget the notion society has conditioned you to, namely that it's rude to look away, or that you have to look people in the ey e in order to be polite and appropriate. It's hogwash. F*** that! Be the way YOU want to be.
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Post by Naptaq on Sept 14, 2006 10:18:33 GMT -5
If you really did overcome sa then congrats man.
So what helped you? What have you been reading/watching that helped you?
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Post by jaeksmith on Sept 15, 2006 7:52:14 GMT -5
Note: Shyness is a categorization of resulting states within a complex system (our brain). A single solution will not work for everyone.
Also, I personally don't ever want to be one of those people who mistakenly treads on others by being dumb-bold... My social timing is slow enough that that's often my only non-shy option. (Sometimes shyness is a path chosen not just out of fear).
I was interested in the comment about not looking people in the eye. That's generally a less assertive stance - even though you sound like you're pushing assertiveness...
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Post by Jarous on Sept 15, 2006 13:48:02 GMT -5
What if what's holding me back is ... the fact that shyness is comfortable? It's so easy to enjoy yourself without the social turmoil taking up all your free time ... the kind of feeling "damn, I wouldn't ever want to be anyone else." The downside is that you're bound to feel like an egoistic pig when you see your mother tenderly (and dreamily) packing old toys - to save them "for grandchildren"...
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Post by Naptaq on Sept 15, 2006 14:04:02 GMT -5
To Jarous:
It seems to me that becoming social does not mean becoming an egoistical pig. I belive that when an SA person becomes social he/she basicly is the same. Only without constant negative thoughs about how he is seen in public. And maybe more happier cus of it.
But it's true that shyness is a choise. If it wasn't comfortable, if it was too bad then I don't know howcome there's so many living ppl that have sa. lol. you know? Nobody died having sa. And when the desire arises to be social, then it's time to change., imo.
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Post by charge on Sept 15, 2006 14:55:54 GMT -5
I was interested in the comment about not looking people in the eye. That's generally a less assertive stance - even though you sound like you're pushing assertiveness... Only when you find it difficult to keep in control of how you react emotionally to the person. Looking away will then make it easier to pull yourself together, and then when you feel powerful again, you can look the person in the eye again. It's a way to avoid a possible (emotional) hit. Of course, you might want to build up the strength and confidence to always be able to look anyone in the eye, at any time. But as long as you're not there yet, this is a way to avoid getting hurt. Works for me, anyway.
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Post by Jarous on Sept 15, 2006 15:38:45 GMT -5
becoming social does not mean becoming an egoistical pig. No, but I meant that enjoying who you are while your mother dreams of grandchildren is ... in a way at least
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Post by Paulinus on Sept 15, 2006 16:10:07 GMT -5
becoming social does not mean becoming an egoistical pig. No, but I meant that enjoying who you are while your mother dreams of grandchildren is ... in a way at least I dont understand what your suggesting here. Are you saying we are being egotistical by not getting a partner to provide grandchildren Good job my parents never mention them then
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Sept 15, 2006 16:22:28 GMT -5
I dont understand what your suggesting here. Are you saying we are being egotistical by not getting a partner to provide grandchildren Good job my parents never mention them then I find the whole grandchildren thing silly. Who says you have to reproduce? What about the people who can't or don't want to?
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