Long Distance Relationships

[Crashtastic]

shypsychologyguy said:

my best freind did a long distance relationship and she has moved in with him. they both are poor and work all the times. i expect it not to last especially since they cohabitate. when they do get married which seems like not anytime soon they will be at an increased risk of divorce.

Do they get along? Is there fighting? They live together now, so things must have gone well enough. I'm not sure how this relates to long distance relationships.

What relationships are safe? Everything has some risk attached.

[sushiboat]

shypsychologyguy said:

i expect it not to last especially since they cohabitate. when they do get married which seems like not anytime soon they will be at an increased risk of divorce.

I'm not aware of any evidence showing a cause-and-effect relationship. The best explanation seems to be that cohabiting couples had different attitudes toward marriage than those who don't. So even if they didn't live together before marriage, they would still have those attitudes that marriage can be dissolved if both persons aren't happy. People in ultraconservative religious groups are going to face serious social disapproval if they divorce or cohabit, so they won't do either. Essentially, we are talking about two different subcultures (modern vs. traditional), not just a choice that causes divorce risk.

[wagnerr]

sushiboat said:

shypsychologyguy said:

i expect it not to last especially since they cohabitate. when they do get married which seems like not anytime soon they will be at an increased risk of divorce.

I'm not aware of any evidence showing a cause-and-effect relationship. The best explanation seems to be that cohabiting couples had different attitudes toward marriage than those who don't. So even if they didn't live together before marriage, they would still have those attitudes that marriage can be dissolved if both persons aren't happy. People in ultraconservative religious groups are going to face serious social disapproval if they divorce or cohabit, so they won't do either. Essentially, we are talking about two different subcultures (modern vs. traditional), not just a choice that causes divorce risk.

Excuse me, how did ultra conservatism become a part of this conversation? Why inject politics into this? And what does being ultra conservative have to do with one's marriage?

So many people get divorced today, and i think the couples' political persuasions have nothing to do with it. Rather, i think it's all about maturity and compatibility. Mature couples know they have to work to keep their relationship strong and healthy, and they also know the warning signs that signal a marriage has no chance.

Money always has a hand in a relationship too. Money problems can frequently cause stress among a couple; i see it happen all the time. And the couples may or may not be able to handle the difficulties. They project bad feelings onto each other, and this may cause the break. Not to mention infidelity too, and other problems that may develop, alcoholic addition one of them.

Bottom line, they may be okay right now, but eventually they will experience stress in their relationship. All couples do.

[GreenFerret]

wagnerr said:

sushiboat said:

I'm not aware of any evidence showing a cause-and-effect relationship. The best explanation seems to be that cohabiting couples had different attitudes toward marriage than those who don't. So even if they didn't live together before marriage, they would still have those attitudes that marriage can be dissolved if both persons aren't happy. People in ultraconservative religious groups are going to face serious social disapproval if they divorce or cohabit, so they won't do either. Essentially, we are talking about two different subcultures (modern vs. traditional), not just a choice that causes divorce risk.

Excuse me, how did ultra conservatism become a part of this conversation? Why inject politics into this? And what does being ultra conservative have to do with one's marriage?

So many people get divorced today, and i think the couples' political persuasions have nothing to do with it. Rather, i think it's all about maturity and compatibility. Mature couples know they have to work to keep their relationship strong and healthy, and they also know the warning signs that signal a marriage has no chance.

Money always has a hand in a relationship too. Money problems can frequently cause stress among a couple; i see it happen all the time. And the couples may or may not be able to handle the difficulties. They project bad feelings onto each other, and this may cause the break. Not to mention infidelity too, and other problems that may develop, alcoholic addition one of them.

Bottom line, they may be okay right now, but eventually they will experience stress in their relationship. All couples do.

I don't see how any of that is relevant...

It's obvious to me that Sushiboat was talking about "ultra-conservative" in terms of religious and moral views... not poilitical necessarily at all, though the two are, of course, often intwertwined.

Saying that "mature" people are the ones who stay together is kind of presumptuos. I'd say it's just to do with different ideas of the way a relationship should be, as Sushi already pointed out.

[sushiboat]

wagnerr said:

Excuse me, how did ultra conservatism become a part of this conversation? Why inject politics into this?

Conservatism is more than politics. In fact, American religious conservatives for a long time were very wary of becoming involved in politics at all.

And what does being ultra conservative have to do with one's marriage?

There are two Americas. The mainstream embraced the sexual revolution, including premarital sex, cohabitation, and divorce. The traditionalists (i.e., religious conservatives like SPG) look on those things with great disfavor, thinking them to be evil.

To take an extreme example, look at the Amish. They don't cohabit, and they don't divorce. It's not that abstaining from cohabitation prevents them from divorcing. It's that they have a coherent worldview that rejects both cohabitation and divorce.

[Bodhi]

OFF-TOPIC ALERT, OFF-TOPIC ALERT!!!

[sushiboat]

Topic Nazi! Topic Nazi!

[Bodhi]

sushiboat said:

Topic Nazi! Topic Nazi!

HAHA ;D, Its just I wanted to hear opinions on long distance relationships, not debate the finer points of conservatism. But if you want to continue, do so by all means.

[sushiboat]

Cohabitation isn't much off-topic. I bet that a lot of Internet-startup LDRs might not have happened if living together were not an option. I once had a girl move across the country to live with me. I wasn't ready to marry her, but living together was much better than LDR. I doubt I would have even started the LDR if I didn't know that the cohabitation option could eliminate the distance.

[wagnerr]

sweetpea said:

yeah, it's just like conversation...meanders all over the place. i think it's a good thing.

Yeah, conversation does this all the time, doesn't it?

To return to my original point, i merely meant that mature individuals can handle stressful situatons better than immature ones can. This includes the stress of LDRs, and the effort it takes on the individuals to handle it well.

Immature individuals are unlikely to handle this burden as well. Just like couples who marry at immature stages are much more likely to divorce later because of unforseen circumstances.

Like i've said before on numerous occasions, relationships of any kind require time, respect, mutual understanding, and a whole hell of a lot of effort from both individuals. LDRs are much more difficult to handle, so individuals who have collected themselves are much more likely to be able to handle it.

And on second thought, i'd rather leave the finer points of conservatism out of this, because i don't know a lot about it.

[shypsychologyguy]

hey I didnt say anything about the morality of cohabitation. Psychology today had an article entitled the cohabitation trap and proffesours ive had have mentioned the increased risk for divorce of cohabitators who eventually get married.

im not sure the exact cause of the risk maybe because cohabitation implies a lack of commitment and trust and is like a test run for marriage. cohabitators probly go through the same cycle as married people so like when marriages lose there spark and go stagnant the same happens . it seems like marriage would be something to bring a couple out of that but when youved lived with someone prior to marraige nothing much changes afterwords so the same dry period is probly still here.

again I did not imply any moral idea here just what ive seen in the literature.

[shypsychologyguy]

so stop with the spin and name calling

[skyhint]

Yeah, meeting people from the internet in person is not safe, neither is dating.
But if they were someone you previously knew and they moved away it is possible to keep a friendship. A romantic relationship is much harder though.

[Deleted]

I voted yes,,,, While I don't think they are the best way, it is an option and they do work just like any other kinda thing. Sometime maybe even more cause absence makes the heart grow fonder and if both sides are really into it then it could be stronger than regualr ones.

Who knows, your soul mate (Yes I believe in them) may be on the other side of the world. And with todays tech it a little easier,, like webcams, cell phones, IM etc.

Also I am currently involved like that with a woman from another country, its only been 3 months but its amazing how good we get along, it is hard but we see each other on webcam everyday and talk on cell too,,lol you should see my cell phone bill $300 plus for over use. But I don't look at it as expensive cause I am not spending that money on dates and such things.

I plan on going there in the next month or so to spend a week there with her and we will see if everything is the same, and she also next year is coming very much closer to me for her work, so she will be close by then and it will be easier. This my third Long Distance thing,, and if it doesn't work I may not try it again. The other 2 worked for a while but just didn't make it. So wish me luck.

Maybe later I will post some more info on my new GF.

[pnoopiepnats]

Hmmm I think that may be a solution to our phone problems! YAY! ;D

Well I done did it! Wheee! If you buy $10 through paypal they give you an extra 120 minutes of talk time.

Rates to australian mobile is 20 cents a minute which isn't too bad.