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Post by rudy on May 20, 2008 19:17:15 GMT -5
i have everything. athletics, intelligentcy, i'm very generous, respectful, some friends(you don't need a whole bunch of friends to be happy), somewhat handsome, masculent traits, and tall. but one problem: i can't talk to girls to save my life. i never even tried yet, but thats because i'm to afraid of being rejected or humilated. people say " welll you're to young" or the usual crap, but the point is: i'm NEVER going to overcome timidcy toward talking to women. i just.. just can't. it feels like i'm unworthy or ugly to them. i hope i die soon so i can't experience the horror and torture of being lonely and single forever.
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gaia
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Post by gaia on May 20, 2008 19:34:55 GMT -5
Someone will find you amazing - not unworthy, or ugly - amazing. But if you don't talk to them, they're never going to get the chance to be with you. It would be incredibly hard work on the girl's part if you don't co-operate somewhat.  When you say you've never tried talking to a girl, does that include the non-romantic every day stuff (i.e. asking for the time, or where to find something)? |
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Post by rudy on May 21, 2008 18:34:03 GMT -5
yes everyday stuff. it feels like i'm going to be rejected and humilated. i just can't. some divine power is the only way for me to talk to girls.
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Post by Sweet Pea on May 21, 2008 20:58:48 GMT -5
yes everyday stuff. it feels like i'm going to be rejected and humilated. i just can't. some divine power is the only way for me to talk to girls. just keep saying it - you're listening...you're hearing yourself say this over and over and over. and you're sentencing yourself to a life sentence of solitary. either correct this negative self-talk now or you'll pay dearly. |
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Post by rudy on May 22, 2008 7:54:38 GMT -5
well i can be all positvie and that stuff, but as long as i can't talk to anybody, it's not going to happen. positive thinking can't start relationships, but it can do other stuff. i'm not a positvie person by all means. i'm always looking ahead to see what difficulty i neeed to overcome and not appreciating the good things in this world.
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Post by Sweet Pea on May 22, 2008 9:08:23 GMT -5
well i can be all positvie and that stuff, but as long as i can't talk to anybody, it's not going to happen. positive thinking can't start relationships, but it can do other stuff. i'm not a positvie person by all means. i'm always looking ahead to see what difficulty i neeed to overcome and not appreciating the good things in this world. i'm not talking about postive thinking as in 'chin up dahling, tomorrow is another day, let's have tea shall we?' so much as i am talking about notbeating yourself into the ground with constant unremitting negativity and self hatred...  |
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gaia
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Post by gaia on May 22, 2008 10:18:07 GMT -5
I think talking to girls about every day stuff is a good place to start. It's simple practice that will hopefully build up your confidence gradually and assure you that women/girls do not want to hurt you in some way. I'd be very surprised if any girls were to reject or humiliate you if you were to just ask for the time, for example. So when you feel ready, that's something to aim for. Positive thinking can't start relationships necessarily - you're right. But thinking positively will do you immense favours. Negativity/insecurity is one definite way to repel people when it comes to relationships. Listen, you made a list in your first post of all that's good about you. I was (and am) convinced that the things you said are all absolutely true. Who's to say that other girls won't agree with those positive things too? Another piece of advice (for the more longer term.. when - not if - when you get talking to girls) - Don't tell other people about the negative things about you. Don't make them an issue and don't focus on them. Other people may not even have noticed those things you don't like about yourself before you mentioned it.. but since you pointed it out - it's something they're now totally aware of. *I've made this mistake a lot.  |
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Post by shukes on May 22, 2008 12:39:15 GMT -5
Someone will find you amazing - not unworthy, or ugly - amazing. But if you don't talk to them, they're never going to get the chance to be with you. It would be incredibly hard work on the girl's part if you don't co-operate somewhat. When you say you've never tried talking to a girl, does that include the non-romantic every day stuff (i.e. asking for the time, or where to find something)? Thats true but the thing is and this might sound stupid but what do you actually say to someone you've never met in your life before to break the ice ?. Am no good talking to people I know let alone some random girl that I see in the street ;D, this is probably my best chance of getting a girlfriend because I don't really go to clubs or anything like that and there are no females at work. I can relate with rudy because am actually the same fear of rejection is probably the main factor why I don't even try and get close to a girl I like. |
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Post by rudy on May 22, 2008 15:04:35 GMT -5
thaks for the insight guys! this made me feel a lot better.
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gaia
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Post by gaia on May 22, 2008 17:09:37 GMT -5
thaks for the insight guys! this made me feel a lot better. Good! You deserve to feel better. There will be a girl out there who's going to love you just the way you are. But you have to allow her to do that.. that means letting her speak to you and responding to her and all. |
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Post by Sweet Pea on May 22, 2008 17:25:42 GMT -5
thaks for the insight guys! this made me feel a lot better. honestly, i'm less concerned about you 'feeling better' than i am about you making the changes necessary to live a better life. usually there's some short-term pain and discomfort involved with any kind of self-improvement. if you always follow the path that 'feels better', you may never change a thing. often the thing that 'feels better' to people is to stay in their rut. |
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gaia
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Post by gaia on May 22, 2008 17:26:54 GMT -5
...Thats true but the thing is and this might sound stupid but what do you actually say to someone you've never met in your life before to break the ice ?... Well as you said that clubs and stuff aren't your scene - so I definitely won't be recommending talking drunken gibberish to girls. If something external is going on, you could always comment on that. Say for example it's a really cold day, as silly as it sounds - say something like "It's so cold today!"  . Asking for help is always a good one too. It could be for directions, the time, the price of something etc. Most people do want to help others. The worst that can happen is that they might not know the answer to your question, and in that case you just say "Oh well - thank you anyway". So yeah, those kind of conversations are a good place to start.. just to get you used to talking to/approaching people for now. *If you fancy throwing yourself in at the deep end - volunteer... One time I did that.. it was just for an hour - but it involved standing out in the middle of a busy street (in a bright pink jacket, no less) and approaching people to sign a petition. That was a cool experience actually.. it took a while to get comfortable enough to approach people, but I managed about 15 signatures (1 every 4 minutes - not bad  . People were rejecting me the whole time with that, as you can imagine. In fact some were quite rude to me. But I just got used to it. So that's the completely unsensible approach for you to think about too. |
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gaia
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Post by gaia on May 22, 2008 17:30:31 GMT -5
thaks for the insight guys! this made me feel a lot better. honestly, i'm less concerned about you 'feeling better' than i am about you making the changes necessary to live a better life. usually there's some short-term pain and discomfort involved with any kind of self-improvement. if you always follow the path that 'feels better', you may never change a thing. often the thing that 'feels better' to people is to stay in their rut. I 100% agree - but also i'm a believer in "the right time" too. You need to be ready to change, if it's going to be successful. I know it's not quite a good comparison, but say you want to give up smoking - it's not a good idea to try when you're only half interested in doing it. You need to want it badly and be ready to do whatever it takes to break old habits. Besides, temporarily feeling better is better than a kick up the ass, isn't it? |
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Post by Sweet Pea on May 22, 2008 17:47:56 GMT -5
honestly, i'm less concerned about you 'feeling better' than i am about you making the changes necessary to live a better life. usually there's some short-term pain and discomfort involved with any kind of self-improvement. if you always follow the path that 'feels better', you may never change a thing. often the thing that 'feels better' to people is to stay in their rut. I 100% agree - but also i'm a believer in "the right time" too. You need to be ready to change, if it's going to be successful. I know it's not quite a good comparison, but say you want to give up smoking - it's not a good idea to try when you're only half interested in doing it. You need to want it badly and be ready to do whatever it takes to break old habits. Besides, temporarily feeling better is better than a kick up the ass, isn't it? honestly, i'm not sure a person is ever 'ready', so it's prolly better to just force yourself out of your rut. |
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gaia
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Post by gaia on May 22, 2008 18:21:54 GMT -5
honestly, i'm not sure a person is ever 'ready', so it's prolly better to just force yourself out of your rut. I suppose what i'm getting at is the whole "Fuck it - I can't take it any more" mentality is best avoided.  It's quite difficult to know the difference between 'healthy, making progress stress' and just plain horrible 'i'm about to end my life stress'. Of course, I may just be judging people by my own standards.  |
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. People were rejecting me the whole time with that, as you can imagine. In fact some were quite rude to me. But I just got used to it.
