Post by deadendphilosopher on Jul 14, 2008 19:45:08 GMT -5
I've come to a useful realization lately about some of the roots of my shyness, so I thought I would share it in case others can relate. There have been times in the past couple years where my shyness got to a point where it was sometimes even difficult to have conversations with certain close friends. I started to feel like it was because I was bad at having conversations, but really it was just fear that was making me feel panicked and empty. I've realized that being charged with an emotion (other than fear, and preferably a positive one) is often all you need to have plenty to say - as long as your fear doesn't override the emotion. As a result I don't think getting over shyness is just about facing fears by putting yourself in situations you are afraid of or forcing yourself to say and do things you are afraid of, though of course those are VERY important elements: I can only speak for myself, but I've realized that part of my problem is that I am afraid to feel a lot of my emotions, so I have gotten into the pattern of suppressing them, which has resulted in a feeling of inner emptiness. I've realized that I even suppress positive emotions because subconsciously I don't believe I deserve to feel things like joy or even love, and when I start to feel these emotions I quickly cut them off because I feel guilty and like I'm not being true to myself in some way. The ironic thing is, I also feel IMMENSELY guilty for not experiencing these emotions! I feel cold, fake, and inhuman. My inner emptiness has caused even more self loathing, so I feel even less worthy to experience positive emotions, and the cycle goes down and down. This summer I've finally been able to question the authority of the part of me that believes I'm a bad person who's not worthy of experiencing positive emotions (I think shadow work helped me do this). I feel like I am in the process of taking my power back from this part of me. Intuitively I feel like this is the real root of my shyness, and the best way to start to dig it out, so I wanted to share in case others are the same.
I think I have experienced some breakthroughs. I posted a thread about emotional empowerment in the self help section a while ago. That experience of the beauty of emotion has helped me to feel like maybe I have some beauty and power in me - if I can experience it, it's a part of me. I have been a lot gentler with myself since that experience. Now that I am aware of the subconscious voice that tells me I don't deserve to feel good, I have more power over it. I have the power to ignore and laugh at it and reject it. I have been practicing this, and I am opening up to joy and love inside, a little bit at a time. I feel so much more hopeful and optimistic and empowered than I have in a long time. I have a lot of ups and downs, but I feel like I've glimpsed the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am not going to take my eyes off of it no matter what doubts come up (there have been a lot). I'm going to use every fiber of my being to get there. I've been putting myself in a lot of situations beyond my comfort zone, which has really been helping. This week I am going to start seeing a counselor to start tackling my emotional blocks. I finally feel like I'm on the right track.
I think I have experienced some breakthroughs. I posted a thread about emotional empowerment in the self help section a while ago. That experience of the beauty of emotion has helped me to feel like maybe I have some beauty and power in me - if I can experience it, it's a part of me. I have been a lot gentler with myself since that experience. Now that I am aware of the subconscious voice that tells me I don't deserve to feel good, I have more power over it. I have the power to ignore and laugh at it and reject it. I have been practicing this, and I am opening up to joy and love inside, a little bit at a time. I feel so much more hopeful and optimistic and empowered than I have in a long time. I have a lot of ups and downs, but I feel like I've glimpsed the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am not going to take my eyes off of it no matter what doubts come up (there have been a lot). I'm going to use every fiber of my being to get there. I've been putting myself in a lot of situations beyond my comfort zone, which has really been helping. This week I am going to start seeing a counselor to start tackling my emotional blocks. I finally feel like I'm on the right track.
