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Post by redbandana on Jul 18, 2008 16:01:57 GMT -5
So I've been friends with this guy for a while and got the hint that he liked me from the start..he texted me a lot, called me occasionally etc and I guess we went on a few 'dates' (though not sure what counts as a date these days?!) but then I thought he'd lost interest coz I was so so shy around him. He's probably actually the complete opposite of me- confident, popular, outgoing etc so what he sees in me I have no idea. But yesterday I went to see him coz he was asking me to come down for the night and visit him....I didn't really think anything of it since I figured we were just friends. Nothing happened while I was there but afterwards he came out with all this stuff...like how he'd wanted to hold my hand when we were walking by the river and how he thought I deserved to be loved and cared for properly.. I didn't know what to say really(it was just over msn)...just when people get too close I have a tendancy to push them away.. fear of being rejected for who I am guess. And I just can't shake this insecurity...like he'll find me boring if he gets to know me better. I want to be comfortable around him, and sometimes it is..like we can sit around and chat quite happily but then other times I'm so shy and quiet around him and it just feels like we have nothing we can talk about. And then he says I should talk more which probably has the reverse effect making me more self consious so actually I talk less :/ Argh! I'm just useless with this stuff and I'm scared that if I keep pushing people away I'll end up forever alone but I just can't help it. Anyone ever feel liek this/overcome it? Is it easier to date a shy guy?
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gaia
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Post by gaia on Jul 18, 2008 16:35:20 GMT -5
From what you've said, he seems quite decent and is genuinely interested in you.
Now you need to decide for yourself whether or not you want to give this guy a chance.
Your anxiety about him finding you boring is quite common in shy people, i've found..
Personally though, I don't think anyone is boring. To me it's all about how much you choose to share about yourself with others.
It takes two people to have a good conversation y'know, and if somebody finds you 'boring' - chances are, they're probably not much of a conversationalist either.
I think in time, when you feel more confident, you'll be able to speak up about your likes/dislikes/fears/hopes... and i'm sure nobody will find it boring.
As far as the fear of rejection thing is concerned, you really need to be more comfortable with yourself in order to overcome that.
Try to identify what's making you feel insecure and then plan to either change it, improve it or accept it and move forward.
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Jul 18, 2008 18:57:47 GMT -5
So I've been friends with this guy for a while and got the hint that he liked me from the start..he texted me a lot, called me occasionally etc and I guess we went on a few 'dates' (though not sure what counts as a date these days?!) but then I thought he'd lost interest coz I was so so shy around him. He's probably actually the complete opposite of me- confident, popular, outgoing etc so what he sees in me I have no idea. But yesterday I went to see him coz he was asking me to come down for the night and visit him....I didn't really think anything of it since I figured we were just friends. Nothing happened while I was there but afterwards he came out with all this stuff...like how he'd wanted to hold my hand when we were walking by the river and how he thought I deserved to be loved and cared for properly.. I didn't know what to say really(it was just over msn)...just when people get too close I have a tendancy to push them away.. fear of being rejected for who I am guess. And I just can't shake this insecurity...like he'll find me boring if he gets to know me better. I want to be comfortable around him, and sometimes it is..like we can sit around and chat quite happily but then other times I'm so shy and quiet around him and it just feels like we have nothing we can talk about. And then he says I should talk more which probably has the reverse effect making me more self consious so actually I talk less :/ Argh! I'm just useless with this stuff and I'm scared that if I keep pushing people away I'll end up forever alone but I just can't help it. Anyone ever feel liek this/overcome it? Is it easier to date a shy guy? I know how you feel. I have been struggling with something similar, only I think the guy did loose interest because talking with me was probably like talking to a brick wall. From the beginning it was pretty clear that it wasn't just a friendly thing, but at first I thought he was just interested in getting some action because I couldn't see how he would be interested in anything more. But now I actually think he probably was interested in more. Anyway, my advice would be to throw yourself into this as much as you can. Realize he probably sees something in you that he likes despite your shyness. He knows you are shy, and he is still interested. If he is right for you he will probably continue to stay interested if you can force yourself to keep opening up to him and show him more of your authentic self. I wasn't able to do that as much as I would have liked, although I did the best I could at the time so I'm trying not to regret it. However I did have a point when I was with him where I was able to partially consciously reverse the voice in my head that was telling me to run away and withdraw, and it was wonderful and exhilarating to push past that boundary even though the step was so small he might not have noticed the difference. Even though I think he may have lost interest which is disappointing, it still makes me incredibly happy that I was able to do that, because I know next time I am presented with an opportunity like this I will have the ability to go even further. So I would suggest that you acknowledge and then defy and push past the voice or part of you that tells you to push him away or withdraw. Because if you don't start to do that there is a danger of ending up alone. Plus, it's exhilarating to push past a boundary that you didn't know you could pass! |
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Jul 19, 2008 11:15:16 GMT -5
I just wanted to suggest a dating book to you: Mars and Venus on a Date. It gives really good advice and makes everything seem SO much clearer. I was flipping through it last night, and I just want to mention something that I read, which I think is really important to keep in mind: For females attraction generally starts mentally, emotionally, then physically, but for guys it starts physically, mentally, then emotionally. I think it's good to know that when a guy is physically attracted he can act (and feel like) he is interested on deeper levels than he is. I don't know where this guy is coming from, but I think keeping this in mind can lighten things up. It sounds like this guy is going slowly with you, which is probably a really good thing.
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Post by Sweet Pea on Jul 19, 2008 15:43:21 GMT -5
I just wanted to suggest a dating book to you: Mars and Venus on a Date. It gives really good advice and makes everything seem SO much clearer. I was flipping through it last night, and I just want to mention something that I read, which I think is really important to keep in mind: For females attraction generally starts mentally, emotionally, then physically, but for guys it starts physically, mentally, then emotionally. I think it's good to know that when a guy is physically attracted he can act (and feel like) he is interested on deeper levels than he is. I don't know where this guy is coming from, but I think keeping this in mind can lighten things up. It sounds like this guy is going slowly with you, which is probably a really good thing. hmmm...i always thought females were just denying that initial step of being physically attracted because they're not 'supposed' to be that way. i definitely don't think i'd ever end up in a relationship with a guy unless i was initially physically attracted. but then i may not be typical. i dunno.  |
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gaia
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Post by gaia on Jul 19, 2008 17:43:15 GMT -5
For females attraction generally starts mentally, emotionally, then physically, but for guys it starts physically, mentally, then emotionally.. So true. ... i definitely don't think i'd ever end up in a relationship with a guy unless i was initially physically attracted. but then i may not be typical. i dunno. You're not typical.  I need to have a mental attraction first... If I don't feel as though I can be my true self around a guy, then it's completely pointless - no matter how attractive he is. |
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Post by Sweet Pea on Jul 19, 2008 18:39:32 GMT -5
For females attraction generally starts mentally, emotionally, then physically, but for guys it starts physically, mentally, then emotionally.. So true. ... i definitely don't think i'd ever end up in a relationship with a guy unless i was initially physically attracted. but then i may not be typical. i dunno. You're not typical. I need to have a mental attraction first... If I don't feel as though I can be my true self around a guy, then it's completely pointless - no matter how attractive he is. i need a mental attraction too, but to be honest i've had that with guys i would no way in hell want a sexual relationship with because i'm completely unattracted to them physically. |
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Post by Astroruss on Jul 21, 2008 17:02:41 GMT -5
i need a mental attraction too, but to be honest i've had that with guys i would no way in hell want a sexual relationship with because i'm completely unattracted to them physically. But cannot the physical attraction grow in time? Seems like with most women they start out slow, but build up in time as they become more comfortable with the man.  |
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Post by Sweet Pea on Jul 21, 2008 21:21:04 GMT -5
i need a mental attraction too, but to be honest i've had that with guys i would no way in hell want a sexual relationship with because i'm completely unattracted to them physically. But cannot the physical attraction grow in time? Seems like with most women they start out slow, but build up in time as they become more comfortable with the man. i can only speak from personal experience...but... actually, i pretty much know instantly how i feel about a guy physically speaking, lol. and i have never grown physically attracted to anybody 'over time'. maybe other people are different. |
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Post by madiocre on Jul 22, 2008 1:59:52 GMT -5
Yeah it varies.
Usually If i find a guy unatractive to begin with
then he stays that way i mean my opinion of his personality can make huim seem a little better looking or worse but it generally stays the same.
But then sometimes there are guys that i just cant decid upon like ill look at them and sometimes think they are hot then otherdays they seem totally disgusting . But im sure thats just a me thing .
but getting back to original topic he seems like he is genuninely intersted . I guess one approach would be to explain the issue to him that yeah you find it difficult to talk and that when he tells you to, it makes you worse . Just try not to worry about it too much and just try to get in the moment and no i don't think being with a shy guy would be any easier. also think of it this way sometimes when it quiet with someone else it doesnt nesesarily have to be a bad awkward thing . I know that personally being a shy person when it is quiet i tend to blame myself and get anxious but what im learning is that yes the "normal non shy people have those experience too and its not your fault its just a part of life and there can be very nice quiet moments spent with people . Perhaps if you find talking challenging try non verbal communication .
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Post by redbandana on Aug 25, 2008 15:44:28 GMT -5
Thank you guys for all your advice...sorry its taken me so long to reply but it really is much appreciated.. As far as the fear of rejection thing is concerned, you really need to be more comfortable with yourself in order to overcome that. Try to identify what's making you feel insecure and then plan to either change it, improve it or accept it and move forward. I just find myself acting differently around different people...like with my uni friends I can be all loud and chatty but then the minute I'm around him or some other people I just switch to my quiet self. I don't know what's making me do this..just feels like my brain is making a sub conscious decision not to talk. And then I've realised I'm such a competitive person..and I'll compare myself to others around and put myself down...I have got to stop doing that and just accept me for me before anyone else can I guess. So I would suggest that you acknowledge and then defy and push past the voice or part of you that tells you to push him away or withdraw. Because if you don't start to do that there is a danger of ending up alone. Plus, it's exhilarating to push past a boundary that you didn't know you could pass! Its good to hear you could push past that boundary...I don't know what's making me pull away from people but I think I've done it too many times that its starting to become a habit...sadly most of the guys just lose interest after a while but this one has been pretty persistent..I guess that he means he must really like me Anyway trying to live life without anymore regrets so I'll try my best to give it go and see what happens.. But cannot the physical attraction grow in time? Seems like with most women they start out slow, but build up in time as they become more comfortable with the man. I didn't think it could..usually if I find a guy unattractive, he'll remain unattractive but now I don't know...I wasn't really physically attracted to this guy before but I actually think hes grown me...weird. also think of it this way sometimes when it quiet with someone else it doesnt nesesarily have to be a bad awkward thing . I know that personally being a shy person when it is quiet i tend to blame myself and get anxious but what im learning is that yes the "normal non shy people have those experience too and its not your fault its just a part of life and there can be very nice quiet moments spent with people . I think you're right....'true friendship is when silence between two people is comfortable' I think someone gave me something with that on once But you can have really nice quiet moments with people and sometimes it feels a bit more intimate that way. I've stopped feeling the need to fill in the conversation spaces and just appreciate their company instead.. |
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gaia
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Post by gaia on Aug 25, 2008 18:50:28 GMT -5
As far as the fear of rejection thing is concerned, you really need to be more comfortable with yourself in order to overcome that. Try to identify what's making you feel insecure and then plan to either change it, improve it or accept it and move forward. I just find myself acting differently around different people...like with my uni friends I can be all loud and chatty but then the minute I'm around him or some other people I just switch to my quiet self. I don't know what's making me do this..just feels like my brain is making a sub conscious decision not to talk. And then I've realised I'm such a competitive person..and I'll compare myself to others around and put myself down...I have got to stop doing that and just accept me for me before anyone else can I guess. Do you think your "quiet self" comes out when you're around people whose respect you seek? I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it's a very easy thing to do. I think you're absolutely right when you say you need to "accept me for me before anyone else can". Once you start accepting yourself, the vibe you give out will change positively. And that then will alter how other people behave around you.. which, in turn, makes you feel better. Nothing negative comes out of self-acceptance.  Comparing yourself to others doesn't do you any favours, by the way. People naturally tend to find evidence that will support their beliefs, not go against them. If you are already experiencing low self-esteem, looking at other people will only make you feel that you're justified in being that way. And one final thing - I know it's a cliche but you have to remember that you are your own worst critic. Something you see 'wrong' with you, might not even be noticed by others. |
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Post by redbandana on Oct 23, 2011 17:37:53 GMT -5
Its been a while since I've posted on here but every now and then I do come back to the forum and read a few of the threads. There's something comforting knowing that you're not alone in what you feel and reading things you can relate to. I started this thread a while back but just wanted to come on here and say thank you to the people who replied me with their thoughts and advice. The guy in question is now my boyfriend, of two years and though its long distance and has its complications, I feel happy |
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Post by Scotty on Oct 23, 2011 19:00:18 GMT -5
Its been a while since I've posted on here but every now and then I do come back to the forum and read a few of the threads. There's something comforting knowing that you're not alone in what you feel and reading things you can relate to. I started this thread a while back but just wanted to come on here and say thank you to the people who replied me with their thoughts and advice. The guy in question is now my boyfriend, of two years and though its long distance and has its complications, I feel happy That's awesome! ;D |
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