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Post by anothershy1 on Aug 15, 2008 18:18:35 GMT -5
umum not so sure about this I want to take one of the girls I work with for lunch but not to sure how to approach it. I mean we small talk and trade emails (we kinda of wind each other up) I keep calling her Missy she does not seem to mind I think. I have done little things for her and she has bought me little gifts to say thanks.
Question is she into me or does she see me as a friend personally I don't mind either. On our last email exchange she asked me what music I'm into, so I am thinking when back at work do I say "would you like to continue our music tastes discussion over lunch if your free", question is phone email or in person.
Thanks for any advice
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Post by Sweet Pea on Aug 15, 2008 18:23:19 GMT -5
mum not so sure about this I want to take one of the girls I work with for lunch but not to sure how to approach it. I mean we small talk and trade emails (we kinda of wind each other up) I keep calling her Missy she does not seem to mind I think. I have done little things for her and she has bought me little gifts to say thanks. Question is she into me or does she see me as a friend personally I don't mind either. On our last email exchange she asked me what music I'm into, so I am thinking when back at work do I say "would you like to continue our music tastes discussion over lunch if your free", question is phone email or in person. Thanks for any advice from what you've said here, i don't think it matters...whatever is easiest for you is fine. sounds like things have gotten to the point that it's perfectly okay to invite her to lunch...she shouldn't be taken aback by it or anything. just don't freak out if the answer isn't the one you want. there's always that possibility, but it's better to ask and move on if she's not interested than it is to not do things out of fear of rejection. |
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Post by anothershy1 on Aug 18, 2008 16:09:24 GMT -5
well I tried, and could not even make eye contact with her today... as we had a brief chat this morning. How do I get over myself and do such a simple thing?
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Post by Sweet Pea on Aug 18, 2008 22:16:46 GMT -5
well I tried, and could not even make eye contact with her today... as we had a brief chat this morning. How do I get over myself and do such a simple thing? do you have difficulty with eye contact in general, or is it just with her? |
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Post by anothershy1 on Aug 19, 2008 13:42:11 GMT -5
To be honest it's anyone female, but defo her aswell
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Post by cyclopse on Aug 21, 2008 15:07:18 GMT -5
next time you guys talk about music maybe throw in thier a place you could go to listen to it and say maybe we could run into each other thier. Thats kind of how it going with a friend/girl i hang out with that i work with. The weekend rolls around and we say hey maybe i call you and well accidently meet up at bar tonite. Just use it as music though
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Post by Sweet Pea on Aug 21, 2008 19:53:07 GMT -5
To be honest it's anyone female, but defo her aswell since you have a problem giving eye contact to females, you've probably been largely avoiding it for a long time. this means you're not getting any practice at it. the ability to give eye contact is not a magical gift only some people are born with. this is a skill you can learn. in fact, you would have learned it by now if you hadn't learned instead to avoid it. but that's water under the bridge. you could undoubtedly benefit by systematically desensitizing yourself to the anxiety eye contact produces. how you do that is you construct what's called an anxiety hierarchy. sit down with a piece of paper and put some woman at the top of the page who you feel little anxiety giving eye contact to. then put your current fantasy girl who you can't give eye contact to worth a damn at the bottom of the page. now fill in the space between with progressively more difficult females to give eye contact to. you should choose people who you actually see and talk to on an everyday basis, where a short conversational exchange is the norm. you should ideally choose people who you normally do exchange at least brief conversation with, but whom you don't normally make much effort to make eye contact with while speaking to them. it should look something like this: grandma nice lady at laundromat math teacher waitress at pizza place best friend's cousin julie sherry, girl next door cute redhead that rides my bus tracy, the girl of my dreams you can make it longer and more gradual than that, but you get the picture. now start at the top of your anxiety hierarchy and begin to increase the length of time you can maintain eye contact comfortably with each of these women. just practice each of them one at a time down the list until you reach the bottom. this is a one step at a time, baby steps kinda thing. don't try to rush to dream girl. and don't move onto the next more difficult female until you feel truly comfortable with holding normal eye contact for a reasonable period of time...say, a short conversation. everytime you do this and don't die, the anxiety reaction is weakened. as you move down your list you will be able to maintain eye contact for longer periods and with less anxiety. practice practice practice.  there are more elaborate and difficult to understand systematic desensitization formats, but this simpler version is worth a try first because a lot of people might find it overwhelming & need a counselor's help to execute the more elaborate schemes. i'll post a link anyway though, in case anyone's interested in taking a look: self-administered systematic desensitization procedure |
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Post by anothershy1 on Sept 5, 2008 13:46:56 GMT -5
well she said yes to my request but because we are both so busy with work at the moment it's "rain check" but she did say it would be nice!
Over the first hurdle I think.
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Post by Sweet Pea on Sept 5, 2008 19:05:50 GMT -5
well she said yes to my request but because we are both so busy with work at the moment it's "rain check" but she did say it would be nice! Over the first hurdle I think. a positive response is good. what exactly did you ask her? |
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Post by anothershy1 on Sept 11, 2008 15:18:05 GMT -5
Just out to lunch if she wanted, (However maybe I should have tried somthing a bit differnt) Before I asked I forgot her parents arrived this week. So at least I know it wasn't a no.
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Post by cocoon4bhs on Oct 6, 2008 23:04:57 GMT -5
 ok, i've been humbled after reading what sweet pea had 2 say, but i do have some tid-bits 4 u. keep in mind, i haven't tried ALL these out as an addition 2 sweet pea's eye contact tips, u can use a some tricks i learned. first, u may want some help in looking at all. like i said u can use this along with the paper clippings excersise. NOW... u see that portion of the person's head ABOVE THE TIP OF THEIR NOSE? even when ur talking, u may feel anxiety rise in the middle of the conversation. u can focus ur eyes to that area of their head to rest ur eyes and take a break. this can speed up ur proggression with the pictures AND pull u back from the grip of fear with a live person... and they won't even conciously see the difference! DON'T USE THIS TO REPLACE ACTUAL CONTACT. i'm saying this mainly because paying attention to their eyes will help u connect 2 what they're feeling which leads me to my next bit: the right eye communication! the best 2 for this context would be FRIENDLY (smiling) EYES and PLAYFUL EYES. its simple, really. when u smile, your eyes take a shape, angle etc. that lines up with it. so the next time u have a genuine smile ;D, remember the feel of you eyes in that position, or in the heat of the moment, start 2 smile, and and let your eyes do the rest if u think a whole smile would be out of context (sometimes, people who seem 2 nice have a shady feel 2 them). do the same when ur in a playful mood. adding a pinch of michief won't hurt.  also, a little 2 look out 4. when we see someone we're attracted 2, we tend 2 QUICKLY look them from top 2 bottom (checkin them out). if u see this, u might want 2 look deeper into this. if ur talking 2 someone, and they like what they see, the black dot in their eyes will open up to let more light in their eyes 4 a better view. this is usually coupled with more BLINKING. since more light comes in, the optic nerve needs 2 take more breaks. AND when we blink more, the eyes tend to water. u can look 4 this 2. remember there are different factors that can trigger these cues. so DON'T make snap decisions  . just put 2and 2 together the LAST thing i want 2 leave u with is that if ur communicating, and u catch her eyes rapidly flicking repeatedly from one of ur eyes 2 the other, i've been told that this is one of the biggest signs that they want 2 be kissed  anyway, if u have any feed-back, i'd really appreciate it.
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ok, i've been humbled after reading what sweet pea had 2 say, but i do have some tid-bits 4 u. keep in mind, i haven't tried ALL these out
. just put 2and 2 together