Tired of everything

[christine220]

I'm tired of all of it. I just wish I never had to be in public again. I always feel inferior and I'm so sick of it. At work the other day, the woman I sit by (I always talk to her) and I were talking. I always listen to her stories (she is alot older than me if that matters) We both have dogs that were rescues and we talk about them and stuff as well as other things. Well I was talking to her (I'd asked her a question and was telling her a story about why I was asking the question) and in the middle of it, someone else walked up to her and started saying something like I wasn't even there. Then she just started talking to the other person and ignored me and when she was done she turned her back and started working on something and never asked me to finish the story.

It just makes me give up. Why even bother talking to people? I thought we had a good rapport and she just ignores me. This isn't the first time someone has done this. It happens a lot. I am a very good listener and some people tell me everything (way too much information). I work with another woman who will just come up to me and start blabbing about her grandkids or her marital problems and even things I don't want to hear about (like hemroids or something) and yet I am polite and try to appear interested and ask questions and stuff. But I don't get the same courtesy from anyone. That is probably why I don't talk much and don't tell people very much about me.

The other problem is my fiance has a group of work friends that he likes to hang out with. I've gone to bonfires with them and its a little uncomfortable because they don't even speak to me and I try to talk to them and they give one word answers and keep talking amongst themselves. And then they tell him (or say it to me ) that I"m SO QUIET! That I hardly ever talk. Well what am I supposed to do sit there and have a conversation with myself?? I've tried to talk about things they like to talk about but that never goes anywhere. My fiance says I'm too worried about it. I think he'd prefer it if I just stayed home.

The other day (when he was mad at me for something) he told me that his friends don't like me. THat they always tell him he should break up with me. He told me the one guy (who we go to his house for bonfires) wanted to set him up with his daughter (who is married but hates her husband) this is while we are ENGAGED. My fiance said we were fighting at the time so that is why his friend suggested that. That nothing was ever done about it and the girl is still married. My fiance assures me he wasn't interested but didn't stand up to his friend and tell him to shove it. Now that I know all this (I have never done any thing to these people) it is VERY awkward to be around them. My fiance says I shouldn't care what they think becasue he doesn't care what they think and it doesn'/t affect how HE feels about me. He said he normally tells them the bad things (they have bitch sessions about their wives) and everyone tells him to leave me before we are married and he is "stuck". I'm attractive, I have a good paying job, my fiance and i usually have a great time together. I don't understand why his friends hate me and I don't know why people could care less about what I have to say but yet they are always nagging me about not talking. I"m just really tired of all of it!

[skyhint]

What your fiancee said makes no sense. If he doesn't care what these people think, then why are they his friends?

[strawberrysweetie]

I don't know what to say really, except that I understand your frustration with the whole people ignoring you thing. It's like a slap in the face when you're in the middle of sharing something and then some sort of interruption occurs, and afterwards the other person is as though they weren't listening before and just forgot you were trying to share a story and proceeds to do something else...or worse, goes into one of their own stories again. I also get to the point where it's as though 'why bother if no one cares?'

I find that the majority of people seem to be pretty much selfish, entirely into their own business, not truly caring about other people's lives unless it's something that has to do with them specifically or they are in a nosy-to-be-nosy, gossipy sort of mood. I mean, everyone has to be 'selfish' to an extent, but it shouldn't be to the point where they can't learn to reciprocate with listening and caring and whatnot. It is annoying and very rude.

but yeah...don't know what to say about the whole fiance and his friends issue. That's tough. I must say, though, that I think his 'friend' is totally out of line in trying to set up his married daughter with your fiance. It doesn't matter if she hates her husband, they are married for christ's sake...which obviously means she's not available until otherwise. And it doesn't matter if you and your fiance are having troubles, you are still in a relationship. It's rude of him to try to interfere in lives like that, and it's not his decision to try to break people up. Strange.

I would like to add, though, that I think you should be proud of yourself for at least trying to get along with his friends. You've made an effort, and that's all one can really do. Screw them.

[zerosum]

I agree with Skyhint and Strawnanas.

I also commend you trying to socialise with your fiance's friends. There's nothing wrong with the way you behaved. If anything, it was they who were rude and unwelcoming. They hardly made an effort.

How rude and interfering of his friend to try and set him up with his daughter. This is you and your fiance's relationship, not his. Have you told your fiance about how upset this is making you? I mean, if you had said that your friend had offered to set you up with someone else, how would he feel? Frankly, I find it unacceptable that you are being put through this bull and he's not saying anything to his friends. No wonder you're tired of it! I really hope things get better.

[arizona]

I fully identify with the "being ignored" thing, it has happened to me often. But I see a red flag with your fiance, and you should think about it. If you and he marry, you should come first in his life--should be that way already. Sooooooo......why is he continuing to hang out with a bunch of boneheads who are trying to break you up? If he keeps that up, he may start LISTENING to them.....which may not be as bad as it sounds. Y'see, it sounds to me like he isn't ready to put you first in his life before his friends, and men in this mindset are not ready for marriage, and/or are poor marriage material. Ponder this, it may be a blessing in disguise you discovered this trait in him BEFORE you married---it would be more difficult to deal with after.

[dave76]

I feel the same way about the public also. I also agree with what Strawnanas! said also. I remember going through High School and being slapped with labels. I hated it. People would ignore me. Others would pretend to be my friends just so they could steal from me or pressure me into stuff. People would belittle me and say I was stupid or claim something else. One guy I would talk too in one class told me I got on his nerves. I took that pretty personally thinking I needed to work on myself to be less annoying. Some told me they could not be seen talking to me because I would damage their rep.

Then the next year of High School, I was in classes with other people that I did not know and people that straight out disliked me. I kept to myself out of fear of offending people. No one seemed to care to talk to me anyways so that year of school was pretty boreing. I would have an occasional jerk respond pretty nasty to me when I would say something like hey he talked. When my senior year rolled around, I was a total wreck. Teachers labeled me of having no self esteem. People considered me shy etc. I felt heavily insulted because these people acted like they did not want anything to do with me in the first place. Made me feel like I was unwanted. I again felt like I needed to work on myself. Talking was pretty hard for me because I was not used to starting conversations. I did not know what to say to people or felt like I could not relate to people because I was pretty used to being a loner.

I got my first job that year and my first car. I was graduating that year so I felt that things would get better for me. All I got was snubbed on the job when I would try to say something to someone with a look like you are talking to me, go away. They also slapped the you are shy, you do not talk to anyone label on me, you have no self esteem. I was on the verge on a mental breakdown. My parents acted like they did not care about me just as long as I did not get in their hair. I also remember getting the look at you belittling comments when I would say something or stick up for myself. These people treated me like garbage. Deep down I felt like it was my fault and that I should work on being less annoying or try to be more talkative. I finally got so stressed out that I walked out on that job and quit on the spot after the store manager started belittling me. I got another job feeling I was going to try and do better, same old crap. It was pretty difficult trying to build my confidence with people wrecking it all the time.

It took me years to get to the point where I started to feel more comfortable around people. I started to realize things thinking back also. That the whole ordeal was not my fault, just people trying to feel superior by pushing me down. It has left a pretty big mental scar on me and everytime I think back, I just get angry. Sorry for the whole story stuff. It might help you or it might not. You just might want to get away from your finace and his group of friends and find someone else because it sounds like they are trying to be superior. Working on yourself, could be a waste of time and another way for them to hurt you. I would take some time and seriously think about your life with this person because what you are going through now, could very well stick with you for the rest of your life and not change. Just my thoughts.

[audio]

Christine, I can't add anything extra to what everyone else has said.

I definitely can relate to the talking thing. It has happened to me so many times - what you described; and it makes one feel very small or inferior.

In regard to your finance, I agree with Arizona. I see a "red flag" also. I was married once; and before we had gotten married, he was putting people before me. I didn't think much of it because I thought, once we're married, it will change. It didn't. I got very resentful; we grew apart, and separated, and eventually got divorced. So if I were you, I would get it straight with your fiance - before tying the knot. Marriage is hard work, and even harder if you have to compete for his attention. Take care.

[robbie]

I know how you feel today at work I asked someone who wasn't doing anything atm- is there anything else i can do? and she definatly heared me but she just ignored me, that would have got me pretty down but since this guy named Chris was standing there I said hey Chris how you doin? and he smiled since he thought it was funny she didn't answer me and he was doing great. People act rude to other people when they're in a bad mood thats just the way it is, and there's alot of things at work that can put you in a bad mood.

[rudy]

i feel your pain. that happened to me all the time when i'll be trying to have a meaningful conversation with some one out of my comfort zone, and then someone barges in out of nowhere and fucks it up. it was like i don't even exist.