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Post by ms_shy on Nov 4, 2009 5:41:58 GMT -5
Hello everyone, I am new to this site and am glad to see others who are like me! I'm 26 and never been in relationship...and ive been feeling really depressed (and sometimes angry) that all my friends around me are in relationships, getting engaged, married...i feel like everyone around me is leaving me and moving on with their lives and I really wish I could do the same  Whenever i talk to my friends about why im upset and how i feel so alone, they would always say "it's because you are so shy!!!" I have shy friends who have guys approach them and tell that they like them etc...so im beginning to think its not because im shy...so most of the time i feel really ugly and depressed about myself and that makes me even more shy about myself around people (i hope that makes sense)... it just seems like these kind of things never happen to me while i watch everyone around me be happy...anyone else feel just as hopeless as me? *sigh* |
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Post by Tal on Nov 4, 2009 13:12:59 GMT -5
Welcome to the site msshy.
I know how you feel. I'm 25 and in a similar situation. It does feel hopeless most of the time and quite depressing. The only solution I know of is to try and talk to more people...easier said than done I admit, but it increases the odds of finding someone who will like and accept you.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 5, 2009 5:21:00 GMT -5
Hello and welcome to SU...
Everything you said makes sense, and I think a lot of people can relate, me included. It's really difficult to feel as though you're just standing in the same position never advancing while everyone around you seems to be continually moving forward and getting somewhere.
I've never been in a relationship, I'm 22. I don't imagine it'll happen anytime soon. I have too many problems at this point anyway, lol. But I do often feel hopeless and depressed.
One thing you should think about though, is how much you actually put yourself out there or make yourself available, like what Tal said. It may not have anything at all to do with how you look. Maybe you just aren't in situations, or not in enough, to the point where someone would get the chance to approach you or get to know you.
Take me for example. I've complained about not having friends....but I become more and more aware just how much I don't even try. I've basically become a recluse, always doing things on my own, never talking to anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. So, of course I'm not going to meet new people or make any new friends or form any sort of relationship with anyone. I don't even give people a chance to get to know me, nor do I really even allow myself to get to know them I suppose.
Maybe that is sort of stating the obvious...I don't know. Shyness does make these things much more difficult, though. Not impossible, just more difficult....you may have to put forth much more effort than it seems your friends do.
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Post by ms_shy on Nov 5, 2009 21:09:18 GMT -5
Thank you Tal and Strawnanas! for taking the time to reply to my post! I really appreciate it!  Strawnanas, i agree with everything you said...my friends tell me that there is nothing wrong with the way I look but more of the "vibe" I give off...like I want to be left alone and not bothered. Most of the time I am not even aware that I am giving off that vibe!! I guess I am in my own little world too much that I'm not even aware of it? I dont really know how to change that though...i dont want to smile all the time and put on "a happy face" to make myself more approachable though...so either way im doomed.  I have met new people through other friends before and after a while when i feel comfortable, i do become friendly/chatty with them...but things never just happen for me...i have other friends who meet new people and then suddenly they are dating or have a boyfriend...i just often wonder why cant these things just come easily to me??? im beginning to think that i am just destined to be alone... anyway, enough of my rambling...thanks for the replies once again and i wish you two have much better luck than me! |
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 6, 2009 5:56:05 GMT -5
You're welcome. Strawnanas, i agree with everything you said...my friends tell me that there is nothing wrong with the way I look but more of the "vibe" I give off...like I want to be left alone and not bothered. Most of the time I am not even aware that I am giving off that vibe!! I guess I am in my own little world too much that I'm not even aware of it? I dont really know how to change that though...i dont want to smile all the time and put on "a happy face" to make myself more approachable though...so either way im doomed. yeah, this can be really hard to change especially if you're not aware of doing it. This past summer, there was a girl in one of my classes that appeared to be, to a degree, more anxious/shy than me. She definitely gave off a bad "vibe." Even though she confessed to being "introverted" and even later on "painfully shy," this still wasn't enough to offset her standoffish behavior...we all know most people don't get shyness to this degree unless they've experienced it themselves. But yeah, one day she wasn't there and one of the other girls made the comment that she thought she hated us. Me, being the doofus that I am, didn't say anything.  Though one woman did say, "She's just really shy." Anyway....if I didn't have or wasn't aware of shyness or social anxiety, I probably would've felt the same, misunderstanding her for just not liking us. She just never appeared to want to be there at all; she didn't seem interested in anything that was being said. She'd rarely make eye contact. Gave very short statements in response to anyone's questions. She often seemed to sit off kind of by herself, and looking down doodling rather than looking at whoever was talking at the time, giving off the impression that she didn't care and wasn't listening at all. Oddly enough, for the most part, I felt pretty comfortable in this class....but I could recognize some of those behaviors in myself, things I've done a lot in the past. And have probably started doing again here recently.  Anyway, I'm just trying to point out certain things that give off a bad "vibe." To get on people's good side, one must, in the very least, act interested in the other person. Make eye contact, actively listen and show it, ask questions, smile at least occasionally or when appropriate, etc. Once you realize what it is you do that gives off a bad vibe, you are capable of correcting it; it just may take some effort and time. But if you really want to, you can. You are NOT doomed. I have met new people through other friends before and after a while when i feel comfortable, i do become friendly/chatty with them...but things never just happen for me...i have other friends who meet new people and then suddenly they are dating or have a boyfriend...i just often wonder why cant these things just come easily to me??? im beginning to think that i am just destined to be alone... It is really frustrating especially when it seems so easy for other people. I don't really get it either. They're probably more flirtatious and proactive in maintaining contact with new people they like, which makes it easier on the other person too and lets them know for sure they are liked. But just because nothing's happened for you yet, doesn't mean nothing will ever happen in the future. Perhaps you could give online dating a chance? That way, you'd both be on a similar page to begin with, aware of what you're wanting, the desire to find a partner. |
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Post by ms_shy on Nov 6, 2009 22:03:21 GMT -5
Thanks strawnanas! a lot for your reply again! I think the reason why I give off this bad vibe is that I automatically assume that new people wouldnt like me/doesnt like me so thats why im so standoffish in the beginning...i know its weird, but its something that i cant control  Another big problem that i have is that whenever i meet someone that i do like, i cant be myself around that person! I suddenly feel like there is a big flashing sign over my head that says "Hey I like you!" I get really nervous and i start blushing when that person starts talking to me!! argh!! and then i find myself always trying to avoid that person cause i dont want to put myself in embarrassing situations!!! im sure even if that person did have interest in me, i must have scared that person away Do you have the same problem as me? Just wondering... |
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 7, 2009 2:54:03 GMT -5
Thanks strawnanas! a lot for your reply again! I think the reason why I give off this bad vibe is that I automatically assume that new people wouldnt like me/doesnt like me so thats why im so standoffish in the beginning...i know its weird, but its something that i cant control Another big problem that i have is that whenever i meet someone that i do like, i cant be myself around that person! I suddenly feel like there is a big flashing sign over my head that says "Hey I like you!" I get really nervous and i start blushing when that person starts talking to me!! argh!! and then i find myself always trying to avoid that person cause i dont want to put myself in embarrassing situations!!! im sure even if that person did have interest in me, i must have scared that person away Do you have the same problem as me? Just wondering... I can relate very, very much to everything that you just said. I always have an assumption people aren't going to like me. I think I have a tendency to act in such a way that cuts people off before they can really get to know me. I'm really super scared that I just have a fear of getting too close to people....because I think I fear that in the end, I'll end up losing them anyway. And if I have a crush on somebody....I pretty much avoid them like the plague. I just have too low a self-esteem. I really think there's no way the feeling could be mutual, and so act in such a way that probably makes me appear like I don't like whoever it is. Lately, it's made me think about the "avoidant personality" again and how much I relate to that concept. This scares me further. I don't know. I'm really sorry you have similar feelings/behaviors. It's really complicated. In the very least, I think we just have to hang onto some kind of hope....and believe that change can happen. |
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Post by ms_shy on Nov 7, 2009 4:47:39 GMT -5
oh wow i never heard of "avoidant personality disorder"...so i googled it and yikes...i have a lot of the symptoms...that was depressing to read...
ive wanted to ask you, are you only shy at first but then after awhile you become comfortable and then become talkative/chatty? i know its sort of a random question but im just curious...
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 7, 2009 8:19:50 GMT -5
oh wow i never heard of "avoidant personality disorder"...so i googled it and yikes...i have a lot of the symptoms...that was depressing to read... ive wanted to ask you, are you only shy at first but then after awhile you become comfortable and then become talkative/chatty? i know its sort of a random question but im just curious... It is depressing, sorry! To your question.....this may seem strange, but I find it kind of a difficult one to answer. Sometimes, I get confused about myself. Like, a lot of what I do and how I think, doesn't make much sense at all. I may think one thing about myself, then do something that totally contradicts that. I'm not making sense.... I think it all really depends....on the particular situations, the certain people involved, etc. For one, there are some people that I just feel comfortable around...or at least feel more at ease with them compared to others. Sometimes, I think that I'm more comfortable with talking with strangers or talking with someone for the very first time, especially in knowing that I may never see them again. BUT here, the initial contact is not so anxiety provoking. And usually it's the other person that starts any conversation, though I'm sometimes okay in starting by making some simple comment on my own. However, the longer I'm there with someone brand new, I think the more I get anxious...and start thinking negative things about myself and want to hold back/monitor myself. Or just simply think I've run out of things to say. It's like, with a complete stranger, if they seem normal and whatnot and I'm comfortable with them, then I'm okay.....however, if it's someone I run into again, I start getting more anxious, like I think about things more, start feeling bad about myself, and am afraid of that person somehow all of a sudden changing their mind about me or something. Don't know if I'm making sense....but it's also why I think I'm very uncomfortable with "acquaintences"...it's like built on not much. umm...I'm having trouble describing it. Anyway, I'm pretty uncomfortable with someone new for quite a long time....until it gets to the point where I trust them, feel like they know me, and feel like even in knowing me, they still like me. It generally takes a VERY LONG TIME for me to get to this point with someone, though. So, it can go from being comfortable, to being uncomfortable for a long time, and then to being really, really comfortable around someone. Unfortunately, it's been pretty rare for me to get to this point with someone, though. I think anytime before the "really, really comfortable" stage is a time where I'm apt to avoid the person...I guess the avoidance is out of fear they'll stop liking me for whatever reason; I'll sometimes pull away before they even get the chance to reject me, I guess. It's why I have such trouble just in making friends. And of course with some people, I never get comfortable around them or am never comfortable even to begin with. Some people seem too different, or not understanding, and I never feel completely at ease around them. It really depends, I think. As for being "talkative/chatty," I'm not so sure I'd ever describe myself as that. I can get to the point where I'm very comfortable with someone....feel like I can say almost whatever I want, even sing around them (that really means I'm comfortable)....but still, I just don't think I'm the "talkative/chatty" type. I can't just go on and on about everything like some people seem to do, even if I'm comfortable. Sometimes maybe a random talkative spurt comes, but I would never use those adjectives to describe me. This is why I think it's so very complicated. And I think my problem is more than being socially anxious/shy. Because I think once people get past their initial socially anxious feelings, they're okay. But I obviously, still have low self-worth and trust issues. It gets to the point where introversion/shyness/social anxiety/avoidance sometimes seems blurred to me. Like they all blend in together, and I get confused as to who I am or what I'm really about. But I do think I just have a tendency to be inhibited and reserved in nature to begin with.....so that's why I think I could never be "talkative/chatty." Right now, even in describing this, I am sooooo confused. Because I don't really think much of it makes much sense. Now I bet you're sorry you asked the question, lol. I always think I scare people away with analysis like this.  I was about to add that I hope at least some of what I said makes sense. But, then again, I hope for your sake NONE of what I just said makes any sense at all! |
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Post by agenericgirl on Nov 7, 2009 12:54:02 GMT -5
Loneliness is the worst. Not having anyone to talk to who you can really connect with sucks.
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Post by ms_shy on Nov 8, 2009 2:18:48 GMT -5
strawnanas, i think i know what you are talking about...it really depends on the situation/the person...i find myself complicated as well...with some people i can be very open with and can just sense that the person will like me (not very often though) and with some people, i just feel like closing myself off...its just all so weird and complicated...
i hope this isnt too straightforward to ask...but im just wondering where does your low self-esteem/worth come from? were you like this your whole life or did something happen? im sure you must have something that you like about yourself!!
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 8, 2009 4:51:10 GMT -5
i hope this isnt too straightforward to ask...but im just wondering where does your low self-esteem/worth come from? were you like this your whole life or did something happen? im sure you must have something that you like about yourself!! lol...I don't mind answering questions at all really. I just don't want your thread to turn into me whining about my problems (I think most have had enough of mine)... Low self-esteem/self-worth stem from? I'm not sure. I wasn't ever physically or mentally or sexually abused or anything. Even as a child I was very inhibited and quiet, would be more of an observer. I can remember far back as pre-school feeling left out and different; I was so shy while most others seemed very carefree, playful. Even at home. Age gaps were just too large between me and my sibs growing up...either too young or too old to fully relate to any of them. So, I'd say I guess a lot of my perception of myself is what my own mind created....I was overly sensitive, inhibited/quiet, felt like the odd ball out most the time, so that's just not a good combo. I guess it all just spirals into a progressively worse problem. Something to like about myself? Not really. I hate the way I look, though it could at least be improved in some ways, if I can get that to happen. I really have no talents or abilities. The only thing postive I can say is that I care about others, or stuff similar to that. I've gone on too much. Really, hopefully if nothing else, you feel better about yourself now! lol ;D |
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Post by ms_shy on Nov 8, 2009 7:04:48 GMT -5
no no i dont mind...i wanted to know so thats why i asked! to me, you sound like a lovely person, i dont know why you would be so harsh on yourself!! i feel sad reading about how you think about yourself... i also dont like the way i look...i always think if i was really pretty, it wouldnt matter to guys if I had that bad "vibe" at all...people always say im really nice, caring, sweet (i dont mean to sound like im bragging about myself but this is what my friends say about me) but it always breaks my heart when i realize that the guys i know dont seem to appreciate that...and always goes for someone else...its just never me. i think thats where i get my low self confidence from...i think something is wrong with me, thats why no one ever chooses me... i know this is totally random but sometimes i think to myself, we only have one life...why spend so much time of it being unhappy and worrying about things that we cant control (like what people think about us)...it works for me from time to time... |
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 8, 2009 22:18:21 GMT -5
i know this is totally random but sometimes i think to myself, we only have one life...why spend so much time of it being unhappy and worrying about things that we cant control (like what people think about us)...it works for me from time to time... Definitely. Sometimes it seems so silly to worry so much and take everything so serious all the time. Especially when our worries are often based on distorted perceptions of ourselves and of situations and on inaccurate assumptions. |
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Post by cyclopse on Nov 8, 2009 22:22:21 GMT -5
i will be 30 this year and have never been in a relationship. It really frustrating but it's one of those things were we have to put ourselves out thier more. I go out actively with friends. Just recently i joined a dating website and actually met a girl. It didnt work out i think due to distance which we lived. I actually did some speed dating but the age ranges didnt match to well. Just have to keep trying. Im tired of everyone asking why im not married or dont have a g/f. Hell last nite I went to a high school football game and a guy I hadnt seen in 10 years tried introducing me to his daughter.
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Whenever i talk to my friends about why im upset and how i feel so alone, they would always say "it's because you are so shy!!!" I have shy friends who have guys approach them and tell that they like them etc...so im beginning to think its not because im shy...so most of the time i feel really ugly and depressed about myself and that makes me even more shy about myself around people (i hope that makes sense)...
Though one woman did say, "She's just really shy." 
