Do opposites really attract?

[jai]

Well its been 2 months with my girlfriend and I'm surprised we lasted this long. We are to opposites, I am shy and she is very confident. She can talk to anyone even if she's met them for the first time as if they've known each other for years. I don't even know why she's with me but with me shes alot calmer. But as soon as her friends are there she's a different person.

I wonder sometimes whether it will last. I'm trying to boost my confidence and I can say I've definitely changed in the last few months. But I get the feeling she wants me to be more confident with her friends and talk to them. Thing is all of her friends are like her, very confident and with very strong viewpoints.

I can't argue with her if I don't like something I can't tell her. It will only cause arguments because she doesn't like being wrong. But there are somethings I have talked to her about which I dislike but it only led to rows. I have strong viewpoints but if someone doesn't agree with me I don't really care they can think what they like as long as they don't try and change my way of thinking I'm laid back. She wants me to become more confident but be the same person. I can't do that because I can feel the more confident I become the more I feel the need to argue my point if someone doesn't listen to me. I listen to everything she says do it. I treat her so good and she's told me. But when I ask her to do a simple thing for me, I'm not asking her to change her personality completely, she doesn't like it. Its not fair, a relationship is two way not one way. I feel used I feel like she's only with me to boost her confidence with intimacy issues with guys. I don't know who to trust, I can only trust you guys and girls like me out there...

[Tal]

It's a good question. I've always assumed that for those of us who are shy finding someone with a similar personality (though not necessarily shy) is the best thing. I guess a lot of us are insecure in one way or another so one would think we'd get on better with partners who don't aggrivate our insecurities. That said a slightly more confident partner could be beneficial in pulling us out of our comfort zones, but I can't really see how someone who's not in the least bit shy would be compatible with your average shy person.

That said, some outgoing girls/guys find shyness in a partner attractive, so that could explain it. I do wonder if they would get bored of it over time if it restricts their social life etc.

I dunno how to advise you really. I'd say if you're hating it then get out - I'm sure it's better to be single than in a bad relationship. If it's tolerable but you don't think it'll last then hang in there and see what happens. I can't believe intimacy issues are the only reason she's in the relationship.

[strawberrysweetie]

On the question of, "Do opposites really attract?" I've consulted my handy-dandy Social Psychology textbook, and picked some things out of it....

Regarding relationships, in general:

"'Birds of a feather flock together' vs. 'Opposites attract' --Research evidence proves that it is overwhelmingly similarity and not complementarity that draws people together.

Types of similarities: interests, experiences, attitudes, values, background, personality, opinions...

Interpersonal Style: In one study, people were attracted to peers who were similar to them in how they thought about people and how they liked to talk about interpersonal interactions. High-skill people saw social interactions as complicated and complex; they focused on the psychological aspects of the interaction and valued communication with others that included this psychological component. Low-skill people saw social interactions in a more straightforward, less complicated way; they focused on the instrumental aspects of the interaction (e.g., what can be accomplished and what actually happened) and were less interested in the personalities or motivation of the participants. Pairs of friends had similar levels of communication skill--low with low, high with high. In fact, researchers have found that relationships with people who do not share your interpersonal communication style are frustrating and less likely to flourish. This is probably a great predictor of satisfaction in relationships and marriage--and of breakups and divorce.

Why is similarity so important to attraction? At least 3 possibilities:

1. We tend to think people who are similar to us will also like us, so we are likely to initiate a relationship.
2. People who are similar validate our own characteristics and beliefs--that is, they provide us with a feeling that we are right.
3. We make negative inferences about someone who disagrees with us on important issues. We suspect that the individual's opinion is indicative of the kind of person whom we have found to be unpleasant, immoral, weak, or thoughtless.


Romantic Relationships:

When we begin a romantic relationship, we typically want a serious, committed relationship--but sometimes, we just want a "fling." Amodio and Showers (2005) found that whether it was similarity or comlementarity that was important depended on the level of commitment that research participants felt toward their romantic partner and their relationship. If participants wanted a committed relationship, they chose a similar partner; however, if they felt a low level of commitment to the relationship, they favored dissimilar partners. Thus, in low commitment relationships, we may purposefully choose someone who is strikingly different from us. A relationship with this sort of person represents an "adventure" or an "exploration," as we experience someone totally different and new; however. . . relationships based on differences, rather than similarities, can be very difficult to maintain.

"fatal attractions" - the very qualities that were initially attractive became the very reasons why the relationship ended ("He's so unusual and different" becomes "He and I have nothing in common" or "She's so exciting and unpredictable" becomes "I can never count on her."). . . . . Although people in relationships will always differ from each other to some extent, these differences are not always the reason they were attracted to each other initially. When they are the reason, the attraction could turn out to be 'fatal.'"

In my notes, I also wrote down that most recent research shows "conflict resolution" style is the best indicator of a relationship. Communication styles seem to be so very important, especially for long-term compatibility/happiness.

Sorry, I think I got carried away. One of the few classes I think I actually miss. Probably more than you wanted, but hopefully it helps in answering the question. And it is an interesting question.

I think it is important to point out that similarities go beyond "shyness" vs. "outgoing." Plus, you have to determine to what extent the differences are, and their impact on the relationship, the importance of them. I think it really depends on the individuals.

--------
In regards to your situation specifically, it reminds me of this:

"equity theory: the idea that people are happiest with relationships in which the rewards and costs experienced and the contributions made by both parties are roughly equal. "

Only you can determine the rewards and costs of the relationship you are in and decide if it's working out.

I would imagine it's very difficult to be in a relationship in which you cannot express yourself properly. If she makes you feel like crap continually, it's probably not going to be a very healthy relationship. You're right that a relationship is a two-way street. They take work, and it takes each partner to be willing to make it work. It takes compromise.

I agree with Tal, that she's probably not with you just because of intimacy issues. Your own insecurities may be affecting the way you view the relationship, and may also be a reason why you don't trust her enough. Has she ever given you a true reason to not trust her? Just something to think about. Because trust is another important component of a healthy relationship.

You haven't been together for very long, though. If it doesn't work out, try to at least consider it a really good experience to have had.

[gaia]

She's pushing you out of your comfort zone.
Is she doing it deliberately? If so, she's probably thinking she's doing you a favour and has your best interest at heart. If she's not, is she aware of how uncomfortable she's making you? She can't read your mind. You have to communicate.
That sounds like the key to what you were saying about being unable to argue - you need to learn to speak up. The one way you can guarantee this won't last is to hold back. Eventually you'll get fed up of her treating you in a way you perceive as unfair and you'll flip, or she'll find out how unhappy you've been and feel lied to and she'll flip... something will happen.
You've taken a step in deciding to be in a relationship. You have to take the next step now in order to grow.

Oh and with reguards to your original question - I think opposites can attract.
Lately i've been seeing this guy (nothing official yet, plus he's now on holiday for 3 weeks, so now I reeeeally don't know what's going to happen).. but anyway, he's opposite to me in quite some significant ways. And it's a good thing. I'm so emotional and serious, I think if I went out with someone like myself we'd both drown. It's good to have someone to balance you out, find the yin to your yang (or yang to your yin ).

[brightestdark]

Re. do opposites attract? I knew a guy who was really outgoing, super-chatty and friendly to everyone - and he would flirt with me (shy). He WAS attracted to me. He was actually in a relationship so nothing really happened - but he definitely flirted a hell of a lot and did seem really into me. Also because he was so chatty to me I talked more to him. If someone spends time to get to know me then I become less shy. So yeah, I think opposites can attract.

[madiocre]

it depends .
some parts different some parts similar is best i think

[mixie]

I think opposites can attract. My friend and her boyfriend are two complete opposites. She is really outgoing and he's really quiet. But in their case both of them listen to each other. If they don't agree on something they try and talk it out and resolve it. Does she know that she's making you feel uncomfortable? Maybe you could try addressing how you feel about the situation. If she gets all offensive about then maybe you should think if this relationship is the best thing for you.