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Post by ItsNotAPorkChop on Mar 23, 2010 17:52:41 GMT -5
My boyfriend would like a wedding, but I couldn't think of anything worse. I have never wanted a wedding and I don't like the thought of being the centre of attention, there being so many people around, and as my parents are separated and hate eachother, all the stress! I would love to be my boyfriends wife, I just dont want the big wedding and the big party like he does. He's Irish you see, so he has a HUGE family and everything is done bigger and they always have huge parties etc. He tells me he's not bothered about having a wedding now because I have told him how I feel about it, but I know he really does care. He says we could have just a small ceremony in a registry office or something, but even that scares me! Am I alone? Do other people feel this way? I know I shouldn't care about what other people will be thinking as it should be my day but just the thought of everyones eyes being on me just terrifies me! Its not like hes proposed or anything, I'm just talking about the future here. If he's always wanted to get married, surely he can't just not want to get married because of what I've said, just like that, can he? I just love him so much and would absolutely love to be his wife. I just don't want him to think that me not wanting a wedding means I don't want him enough kinda thing. Argh!  |
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Post by ItsNotAPorkChop on Mar 23, 2010 17:55:21 GMT -5
I just don't want him to have regrets in so many years time (if we're still together that is) like him wishing he'd left me for someone else to marry and have children. Yeah, thats another thing I never want - kids! I feel like I'm just ruining his dreams. Maybe I will feel different about it in the future though... I guess I'm still young. |
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Post by outgoingbutshy on Mar 23, 2010 19:31:25 GMT -5
Hi there and welcome to the forum, by the way ;D! I just read your two posts, and after reading especially your second one, I felt I just HAD to reply. We may be far apart on the age spectrum (I'm 47), but we are SO alike in feelings. I too have an aversion to this type of thing, being the centre of attention in this manner. I don't mind being the centre of attention in playing and singing my songs (many of which are on here, hint hint  ), but being the centre of attention in even my own wedding i would find very stressful too! Yes I can relate. I am seeing someone (well it's a long distance relationship!) so mostly now we're just emailing, yahoo chat, and now talking on the phone. And i also, do not want to have any children. So yes, i can relate to what you have said in this area also. I like kids, i just am very high strung with a lot of other mental/emotional problems: depression, OCD, etc. and I just want to (if it ever happens, as I have been married before and gotten divorced in 1999) have a mate (husband) and it just be the two of us...making each other happy, supporting each other emotionally, all the things that are involved in a good marriage. So I can relate to your situation. I am worried myself that I might be holding him back from having a better married situation, if that should be our future (as our relationship has only recently began), as he would like offspring, and i just don't feel up to that part of it. All the best to you and hope you and your bf tie the knot (without the stress of being "on display") in the future!!! Take care  . |
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Post by ItsNotAPorkChop on Mar 24, 2010 5:24:18 GMT -5
Ah yes, we are in a long distance relationship too, we've been going for just over two years and he will be finally moving into mine in a couple of weeks. So as thats the big first step I guess thats the reason I've been thinking a lot about the future. Right now I would rather just run off to Vegas and get married by Elvis LOL. That would be fine with me, just the three of us! I would love to give him the wedding he wants though, I just need to get more confident and try get rid of my shyness... if that happens in a couple of years time then who knows what will happen. But I really don't see that happening tbh, I think its with me forever. Thanks for the post anyways and I shall check out your music. ;D |
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Post by outgoingbutshy on Mar 24, 2010 19:47:25 GMT -5
Thx ;D for now all i can provide are just the words to my songs, but i hope u like them anyway . take care. |
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Mar 31, 2010 23:50:57 GMT -5
Am I alone? Do other people feel this way? I know I shouldn't care about what other people will be thinking as it should be my day but just the thought of everyones eyes being on me just terrifies me! Its not like hes proposed or anything, I'm just talking about the future here. If he's always wanted to get married, surely he can't just not want to get married because of what I've said, just like that, can he? I just love him so much and would absolutely love to be his wife. I just don't want him to think that me not wanting a wedding means I don't want him enough kinda thing. Argh! Nah, you're not alone. It's an interesting thing to think about. I've thought about asking this question before. I think when I was younger, I just assumed I'd have a somewhat big wedding because that's what seemed normal. And it is nice. It's a lovely idea to have a big gathering to celebrate two people coming together to share their lives and to have a fancy celebration to mark such a special day. But like you, for one, I don't really care to be the center of attention either. But also, it’s now gotten to the point where it’s like, who in the world would I be inviting anyway? I do sort of have a big family, but other than that, there may be like less than a handful of people outside of my family that I'd even want to be there, lol. What has come to annoy me most about weddings, though, is just what it takes to go through with it...all the stress, all the planning, all the money...yikes! Spending $10,000...or however much it costs these days on ONE day....none of that really appeals to me at all. I suppose if you have the money to spend, great. But I wouldn't want to dig myself further into debt for it. (*cough* …As a side note, though, if I were to spend loads of money in celebration, I'd much prefer to spend it towards a kick-a** honeymoon. ;D) So, I suppose I came to the conclusion a while back that I would personally prefer to have a small, intimate ceremony with close family and friends (would definitely be less intimidating). Then again, lately with seeing the way I’m reacting to just even anticipating ‘celebrating’ my graduation, I have to think that the Vegas idea possibly sounds most appealing at this point too, lol.  Further though, I have to wonder why I've speculated about this sort of thing at all. May very well be something I never have to worry about. Anyway...in response to your last question...I'm really not sure. I suppose having a big wedding can really matter a great deal to some people, but it seems funny to me that if two people really loved each other that such a thing could get in the way. It should just matter to be together. I mean, a wedding is for one day. Marriage is for a lifetime. Compatibility is most important. Or maybe agreeing on such a thing partly signifies compatibility, I don't know. But the kid thing...that is something you really want to agree on beforehand. One of my old friends got married last August, and apparently they're in agreement that they don't want kids. Which is fine, as long as they're in total agreement. It's just bad if one holds back and makes a commitment expecting the other to change their mind eventually. I suppose it would also be unfortunate if one were to change their mind down the road, since they are so young…but that’s not something to be predicted anyway.  If I were you, though, I'd try not to stress too much about it at this point. You may change your mind down the road or other things may change. Who knows. Que sera, sera!--yep, had to throw that in there. |
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Post by skyhint on Apr 1, 2010 0:28:23 GMT -5
I don't want a wedding either. Not because I dislike attention just because I dislike ceremonies. If I were you I would not wonder what he thinks about weddings and children, I would ask. I think these kindsa things need to be discussed.
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Post by ItsNotAPorkChop on Apr 1, 2010 5:56:08 GMT -5
I don't want a wedding either. Not because I dislike attention just because I dislike ceremonies. If I were you I would not wonder what he thinks about weddings and children, I would ask. I think these kindsa things need to be discussed. Believe me, we have gone over the subject sooooo many times. We finally came to an agreement yesterday though. I told him I will give him a wedding, because I've been thinking about it a lot lately and when I block out all the scary thoughts from my head, it actually quite excites me. When I thought about the fact that I would never get proposed to, never be married, always be his girlfriend and never his wife - this all made me feel quite shit! We have decided on a compromise, I said not to have a huge wedding, and to not over spend on it as its only one day and, like Strawberry said, I would rather spend more on the honeymoon! He said hes gone off the idea of having a huge wedding anyways, and that we'll do whatever I am comfortable with. I also told him that if I were to get married, I wouldn't want to look back on the day and think things like 'I'm glad we got that over with' or 'I felt horrible that day'. I want to actually enjoy it and I don't know if it will be possible for me to. He said no, you wouldn't enjoy it right now, but hes gonna help me build up my confidence and stuff... maybe I'll get therapy and stuff... because I am so fed up of being scared and worrying about what other people think. It should be my day, not theirs! So were still talking way in the future but I'm glad we've cleared things up and I'm not totally shattering his dreams now. :/ About the children thing, neither of us have made our mind up about that yet. I'm still too young, I'd say we will see if anything changes in a couple of years time and then talk about it. I really can't see myself changing my mind though. Thanks for the replies guys. ;D |
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Post by HybridMoment on Apr 1, 2010 18:44:23 GMT -5
There is always the choice of eloping, but if your boyfriend would like to have a wedding ceremony you probably should. When you think about it most prospective grooms probably don't care about the ceremony very much either, but they do it for their future wives anyway.
I can see why you would hate to be in a wedding though; I'd rather get a root canal then get married.
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Post by ItsNotAPorkChop on Apr 2, 2010 4:29:56 GMT -5
There is always the choice of eloping, but if your boyfriend would like to have a wedding ceremony you probably should. When you think about it most prospective grooms probably don't care about the ceremony very much either, but they do it for their future wives anyway. I can see why you would hate to be in a wedding though; I'd rather get a root canal then get married. Yes I was quite surprised to hear how much he wants a wedding, as its usually the girl. If I focus on the point of the wedding, and not the party, I'm okay with it, even excited for it. It is gonna take time and I'm hoping for my SA to get a lot better by then. I'm sick of it dominating my life! |
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Post by Stranger on Apr 5, 2010 1:59:56 GMT -5
I have never wanted a wedding and I don't like the thought of being the centre of attention, there being so many people around, and as my parents are separated and hate eachother, all the stress! ... Am I alone? Do other people feel this way? Heh, I'd totally feel the same way... Sounds like you two came to a great compromise, though, and you seem awesome together. Congratz on the engagement! What has come to annoy me most about weddings, though, is just what it takes to go through with it...all the stress, all the planning, all the money...yikes! Spending $10,000...or however much it costs these days on ONE day....none of that really appeals to me at all. I suppose if you have the money to spend, great. But I wouldn't want to dig myself further into debt for it. (*cough* …As a side note, though, if I were to spend loads of money in celebration, I'd much prefer to spend it towards a kick-a** honeymoon. ;D) Totally! ;D Anyway...in response to your last question...I'm really not sure. I suppose having a big wedding can really matter a great deal to some people, but it seems funny to me that if two people really loved each other that such a thing could get in the way. It should just matter to be together. I mean, a wedding is for one day. Marriage is for a lifetime. Compatibility is most important. Or maybe agreeing on such a thing partly signifies compatibility, I don't know. I think it depends on what marriage means to the people involved. Some view it as a lifelong commitment, and will go to great lengths to ensure compatibility before, and patch things over after if things ever go sour. Others I guess treat it as a symbol of intent in the present to stay together forever, but will divorce if things ever get rocky, or if they find they're incompatible, with no lasting harm done. And sometimes there are other factors involved. I don't know much about ItsNotAPorkChop's situation, but I know in looooong-distance relationships, visa stipulations can keep a couple apart unless they marry. I personally think it's reasonable to do it if the only alternative is to be physically separated indefinitely or break up. In the end, if both people are happy with what the marriage means to the other, then that's all that matters. This can also extend to the kid thing I think. Normally, I'd ask why rush into marriage if you're still very young, and aren't certain yet if you'll be "kid-compatible." But if it's a case of marry or be apart, I'd say don't worry about it. If you find down the line it's not going to work, the knot can still be untied with no regrets. And as you say, one's thoughts on these matters can easily change given a few years. |
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Post by mousemarie on Apr 9, 2010 20:02:44 GMT -5
My husband and I both felt the sameway before our wedding, we dreaded the idea of being the center of attention. I was willing to go thru with it anyway because I always wanted a wedding. If you don't want a wedding then that is something the two of you should discuss at the right time. Maybe you could come to some kind of compromise that will make you happy and him too. I'm not sure what that compromise could be but after some discussion who knows what ideas might come up.
The one issue that I would worry about more is that you don't want kids and he probably does. Maybe you are too young to think about it now but it's very important to have these talks BEFORE you get married. If he feels he is ready to have kids before you than it is probably best not to get married.
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peekaboo
Full Member
I can fly, I can fly!!
Posts: 149
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Post by peekaboo on Aug 4, 2010 22:05:12 GMT -5
We share the same dilemma my bf and I have been together for three years and although he has not proposed we have talked about marriage he wants a big wedding with family and friends however, like you I am to shy and I hate to be the center of attention. Even if I wanted a wedding I wouldn't have any friends to invite only close relatives soooo sometimes I wonder if I am the woman for him. Anyway if the day came that he proposed I think I would suggest the Storybook wedding in LA and call it a day and use the money for a house instead of a big wedding. Most people who have big extravagant weddings, marriages don't last for more than three years...so I mean really you have to do what makes you happy and content. Good Luck to us both! |
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Post by fightingspirit on Aug 16, 2010 1:09:22 GMT -5
We share the same dilemma my bf and I have been together for three years and although he has not proposed we have talked about marriage he wants a big wedding with family and friends however, like you I am to shy and I hate to be the center of attention. Even if I wanted a wedding I wouldn't have any friends to invite only close relatives soooo sometimes I wonder if I am the woman for him. Anyway if the day came that he proposed I think I would suggest the Storybook wedding in LA and call it a day and use the money for a house instead of a big wedding. Most people who have big extravagant weddings, marriages don't last for more than three years...so I mean really you have to do what makes you happy and content. Good Luck to us both! That sounds like the opposite of most weddings where it's typically the bride that pushes for opulent nuptials. Most likely that's a good thing. Surely you can meet somewhere in the middle and have a decent sized event, but not exorbitantly expensive. |
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Post by madiocre on Nov 24, 2010 7:43:18 GMT -5
My situation is that ive been with my bf 2 years.
We have been living together for about 6 months and its a serious thing.
He has the idea that because his parent got married after a 5 year relationship thats what his time frame will be too. Thats neither here or there because i feel this is forevr and in terms of forver waiting 2 yrs/5yrs/ 10 yrs dosnt really matter. We both want kids that has been spoken about he even says if we were to have an"accident" now he would be ok even happy because this feels secure . I would totally freak personally though because im a student and a full time worker theres no room for a baby in my schedule right now.
As for the wedding bit ...that scares me. We havnt planned anything off course but its something ive thought about and i dont like that i think about it. I hated the whole idea of the big whit wedding and the bridzilla. I cringe at wedding movies and really really hate that movies have the big thing about it being HER day not THEIRS. this in mind i guess i feel im betraying my own ideals when i daydream of it ... i never thought about that stuff before its so freaking annoying. I have this whole ideal of wearing a white yet casual hippy dress and him in a very formal suit....
See ive even though of the freaking dress!!!
Ive thought about the guest too just close one.....
I Hate that i think about it i feel like im proving all those freaking stupid movies right that all women want to do is go get married so they can play house.....it really scares me .
but really what it is is that everyone is different some people do want that some don't
My flat mates are sweet hearts so to speak. They grew up together as friends thourgh going to scouts. At about 19 they messed arouns a bti and now are together have been for 3 years and really love each other they are good couple. He dosnt want marriage or children ever though and is adamant about it. She does so has decided that they will stay together for a few more years (there is an actual age she has set i forget what it is.)If he dosnt change his mind she says she will leave but for now she is just living in the moment. This is sad because they are well matched and its a very tricky thing .
I know another girl who really dosnt want marriage because of her failed poarent mariage and dosnt reallly like the idea of children at all . She isnt even sure she even wants to give up her virginity,
I guess its just a case of its different for everyone and allthough all you really see in all those movies or media and wedding is that big white "bride" idea thats not the reality at all.
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), but being the centre of attention in even my own wedding i would find very stressful too! Yes I can relate. I am seeing someone (well it's a long distance relationship!) so mostly now we're just emailing, yahoo chat, and now talking on the phone. And i also, do not want to have any children. So yes, i can relate to what you have said in this area also. I like kids, i just am very high strung with a lot of other mental/emotional problems: depression, OCD, etc. and I just want to (if it ever happens, as I have been married before and gotten divorced in 1999) have a mate (husband) and it just be the two of us...making each other happy, supporting each other emotionally, all the things that are involved in a good marriage. So I can relate to your situation. I am worried myself that I might be holding him back from having a better married situation, if that should be our future (as our relationship has only recently began), as he would like offspring, and i just don't feel up to that part of it. 
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Further though, I have to wonder why I've speculated about this sort of thing at all. May very well be something I never have to worry about. 
