Ugh

[misssarah]

I'm 28. I've never had a real relationship (I had cancer through most of my 20's, dating was kind of disfunctional at best). I finally met a guy I really liked. We have everything in common. We met online, emailed for a few months. Met in person, and my shy monster emerged. I've always been kind of shy, but around him it's terrible. We hang out every week or so. It's been several months and I have feelings for him and he's the only person I've ever felt close to in any kind of way, yet he hesitates being in a relationship with me. I know it's because of my shyness. It's like half of my brain shuts off the minute I see him. I'm so afraid I'll say the wrong thing or I'll piss him off (which I won't, we love the same things and he's nice), that I don't even try. To make make matters worse, he sees that I'm able to talk with other people, just not him. Gah.

Any ideas?

[Farouche]

Well, first off: big congrats on fighting off the cancer, and welcome to the board! It's hard to give relationship advice without knowing you, but I'll throw some ideas out there.

I'd think it's a very good sign that you're able to talk to other people fairly normally. That suggests that your shyness may only be part of the initial "butterflies in the stomach" phase, in which case you may just need him to stick around long enough for you to ride it out. How often do you talk to him online? I assume you're not as shy in email as you are with him in person, so you're communicating in some way, at least; just not in RL--is that right? Do you ever IM each other instead of emailing? Have you told him about how seeing him in person makes you feel shy?

Besides waiting it out, another idea would be to try doing activities that take the pressure off the conversation. For instance, maybe go on a tennis date or play a fast-paced board game: get the adrenaline pumping and ride the high, together. Maybe make him watch the worst movie you've ever seen and rip it to pieces over dinner, or go on a World of Warcraft raid side-by-side in the same room, if that's the kind of thing you're into. Better yet, focus on activities that relate to one or more of your shared interests. If you can distract your brain a little bit when you're together, you may be able to relax and let down your guard more quickly and start to feel as comfortable with the real guy as you are with him online.

It's also important, I think, to force yourself to at least try to talk to him, even in the face of your fears about saying the wrong thing. Come prepared with a list of conversation topics in your head if you have to. Or, if you don't have a snappy reply to something he says, maybe grant yourself an extra moment to reflect and then tell him what you actually think, rather than just accepting that you have nothing ready to say.

If you can talk to other people and you can talk to this guy online, the signs are very positive that you'll be able to get over the shyness hurdle in your real life encounters, too.

[misssarah]

Thanks for replying. We don't talk online since we've met in person. I do have things I want to talk about with him (topics), tons of things I want to ask him, but as soon as I see him I just don't spit them out. I just end up playing with me fingers and running the ideas through my head, and getting upset the minute I'm away from him that I didn't say anything. I hate so much that I can't connect with someone on such a basic human level that I feel so close to.

[Farouche]

Do you talk to him on the phone much? And if so, is it easier or harder than talking to him in person or online?

It might be easier to bring yourself to say what you want to say over the phone, if you haven't tried that already. You might also try continuing to email back and forth with him in between dates. IMing could also be useful, since you can have an almost real-time conversation, but without a lot of the pressure of in-person or phone conversations.

Have you told him that you feel shy around him?

[misssarah]

We don't talk on the phone unless it's to find each other in a crowd, and we no longer email since we've met. I think he's mostly given up on me.

Learn from me! My inability to just get over being so shy completely f'ed it all up with a really great guy.

[gals]

Apr 23, 2010 18:25:17 GMT -5 misssarah said:

I'm 28. I've never had a real relationship (I had cancer through most of my 20's, dating was kind of disfunctional at best). I finally met a guy I really liked. We have everything in common. We met online, emailed for a few months. Met in person, and my shy monster emerged. I've always been kind of shy, but around him it's terrible. We hang out every week or so. It's been several months and I have feelings for him and he's the only person I've ever felt close to in any kind of way, yet he hesitates being in a relationship with me. I know it's because of my shyness. It's like half of my brain shuts off the minute I see him. I'm so afraid I'll say the wrong thing or I'll piss him off (which I won't, we love the same things and he's nice), that I don't even try. To make make matters worse, he sees that I'm able to talk with other people, just not him. Gah.

Any ideas?

Yes, congrats for conquering that disease indeed.

Bear in mind that since you bravely fought that disease, it means you're a survivor and that you can even conquer even more challenges--one of them is your shyness.

And just come out of your shell gradually, and if it helps, tell him of your cancer history--so that he'll be more understanding of your situation--perhaps it adds to your shyness.

It's quite normal to feel shy when we're around people we like. Just reciprocate his feelings and be there for him and be nice to him