Post by soulelectroluv on Dec 9, 2010 12:30:00 GMT -5
I have always been called ugly by guys who I actually wanted. I mean I could never find the shy guys, there were never to be found...at lease the ones I wanted. 
I remember my first love, I was 12years old and unfortunately he's came back to mind after years of not thinking about him and him not remembering my face at all.
So I looked him up on facebook...and couldn't find him of course, who could find a natural born felon on fb!!! He's been stealing cars since he was 9yrs of age.
I did see his little brother and it sent chills down my spin; he seriously looks demonic...*shudders*
Since he was my "first" love, my aunt also took the liberty into adopting him (I thank her first making my first love, my damn cousin)...ANYWAYS!!!
I realized he is the reason why I'm attracted to a certain look, type or even...unfortunately...crappy personality that I confuse for confidence.
I titled my thread "Ugly By Default" because I used to have terribly low self esteem, I don't really talk to people because I've been hurt so much rather it was intentional or not. Sometimes the feelings still linger on but I've learned to brush it off and be humble...even if I look in the mirror a bit "too long" or wonder why someone is "jealous" I still look to the good and understand that it was so hard for me.
People do tell me I'm beautiful, that I should model but has anyone realized that I just wanted to experience one LTR...something I've never had in my life.
Its something I feel is a challenge for me and I guess that's why I've obsessed over it for so many years.
What makes things worse, I get a lot of men who are "ugly" I don't mean by societal standards, I mean like don't even try to take care of themselves.
Maybe I am not beautiful....
Even if people think I'm beautiful, I have the Tyra Banks syndrome: I used to get picked on my forehead a lot so I thought since I can't change my forehead than I saw it as a deformity and no one will ever really want me.
I was called "ugly" by the first love, the last time he saw me, I was called "ugly" by a guy, in the 8th grade who I actually wrote a love letter to, he showed EVERYONE and then told everyone that he felt bad for me because of my feelings for him.
Most recently, IN COLLEGE, I received a letter from a guy calling me ugly because I asked him to please stop trying to hook me up with his friend, who I was not interested in.
Its gotten to the point where I thought about doing voodoo on some of these guys but I know there are dere consequences because I also believe in karma...
when it comes to love, my karma has been bad enough...what should I do? Whats the worst that even, black magic, can do that I haven't already experienced?!
....suicide was once a thought, it has come agian. I wondered if I killed myself would these guys notice me then?!
Yes, its a crazy thing to do, but I just want to experience love, to at lease know if I want it or not. gesh.
(Sorry, if there are any typos)
I remember my first love, I was 12years old and unfortunately he's came back to mind after years of not thinking about him and him not remembering my face at all.
So I looked him up on facebook...and couldn't find him of course, who could find a natural born felon on fb!!! He's been stealing cars since he was 9yrs of age.
I did see his little brother and it sent chills down my spin; he seriously looks demonic...*shudders*
Since he was my "first" love, my aunt also took the liberty into adopting him (I thank her first making my first love, my damn cousin)...ANYWAYS!!!
I realized he is the reason why I'm attracted to a certain look, type or even...unfortunately...crappy personality that I confuse for confidence.
I titled my thread "Ugly By Default" because I used to have terribly low self esteem, I don't really talk to people because I've been hurt so much rather it was intentional or not. Sometimes the feelings still linger on but I've learned to brush it off and be humble...even if I look in the mirror a bit "too long" or wonder why someone is "jealous" I still look to the good and understand that it was so hard for me.
People do tell me I'm beautiful, that I should model but has anyone realized that I just wanted to experience one LTR...something I've never had in my life.
Its something I feel is a challenge for me and I guess that's why I've obsessed over it for so many years.
What makes things worse, I get a lot of men who are "ugly" I don't mean by societal standards, I mean like don't even try to take care of themselves.
Maybe I am not beautiful....
Even if people think I'm beautiful, I have the Tyra Banks syndrome: I used to get picked on my forehead a lot so I thought since I can't change my forehead than I saw it as a deformity and no one will ever really want me.
I was called "ugly" by the first love, the last time he saw me, I was called "ugly" by a guy, in the 8th grade who I actually wrote a love letter to, he showed EVERYONE and then told everyone that he felt bad for me because of my feelings for him.
Most recently, IN COLLEGE, I received a letter from a guy calling me ugly because I asked him to please stop trying to hook me up with his friend, who I was not interested in.
Its gotten to the point where I thought about doing voodoo on some of these guys but I know there are dere consequences because I also believe in karma...
when it comes to love, my karma has been bad enough...what should I do? Whats the worst that even, black magic, can do that I haven't already experienced?!
....suicide was once a thought, it has come agian. I wondered if I killed myself would these guys notice me then?!
Yes, its a crazy thing to do, but I just want to experience love, to at lease know if I want it or not. gesh.
(Sorry, if there are any typos)
