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Post by sweetness on Jun 3, 2003 15:18:01 GMT -5
The last few weeks i have been thinking a lot about my life, my direction in life and my relationships. It starts to get through to me that i have a lot of problems with relationships in general. I m not sure if it s because of shyness or a part of it or something else, but i have difficulties to speak out my opinion in relationships, or in a fight. The last few years a couple -who i thought where -good frienships have ended. I am not able to speak my mind when something a friend does or doesnt bothers me. I just let it like it is-unspoken, and there have been times that relations just ended that way. We didnt contact each other anymore and that was it. I am someone that keeps everything inside and when i think someone has crossed a line i am not able to tell, i close up instead. This is also something that gives problems at work. I just block whenever i feel that my boss is unreasonable. I try to speak out better at work for example to get holidays but f e i am not able to ask for a raise. Yet at home i get angry coz i still work at the salary of 2 years ago when i was starting. It seems i lack assertivity-but on the other hand i have this anger build up inside.I know that i have to change about my attitude -in therapy?-or does it show that i still have to mature a lot ? and that i have to let go of past negative experiences and not let them get in the way of new ones.. I ve always put a lot in pleasing other people and being helpfull -- maybe as a lack of self confidence.
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Post by urbanspaceman on Jun 4, 2003 7:27:57 GMT -5
I think I see a lot of myself in what you have posted sweetness. I have always kept things locked up and hidden from people, not daring to speak my mind in case they get upset, or I start an argument, that kind of thing. Of course, you should be able to speak your mind and not feel like you're bound to say the wrong thing, but it is a hard cycle to get out of. In the various jobs I've done, I tended just to keep quiet. If there was something I felt I should say, or put my opinion forward in the workplace, I tried to build myself up to do it, then don't, if that makes any sense. Like I've made such a bit deal in my own head about something I should just come out and say.
I've found the same thing with friends and family. If I get into an argument with a friend, then don't see them for a while, the next time I do see them the previous argument gets kind of swept under the carpet, which I don't think is particularly healthy. But I don't have the courage to bring it up again in case the whole problem flares up.
I guess I'm that way with my mum as well. She's quite quiet and sensitive like me, so if I don't agree with something she's said or done, I tend to just leave it as I think I'll end up upsetting her which has happened in the past.
Don't know whether it's down to needing to mature, or whether therapy could help (I certainly think it can't do any harm), but you're definitely not alone in feeling this way a lot of the time.
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Post by Twice-Shy on Jun 4, 2003 14:05:54 GMT -5
When I am having a bad day, I tend to take it out on myself rather than on the person who caused me to have a bad day. I wish I could just grab the bull by the horns and be more assertive - but I can't. I go to the gym 4 times a week to get rid of that anger / stress.
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Post by inkysoftwhispers on Jun 4, 2003 16:47:00 GMT -5
I'm the same. I don't want people to dislike me so I always avoid arguments...except with my family. Argh. Even if I'm having a discussion with someone where we've both got fairly strong opinions I always end up thinking they've got a point and probably know better rather than being assertive.
At my school some kids used to have one-to-one 'speech and drama' lessons from the first year, and they ended up being the most outspoken, opinionated kids in the year. I don't really know what therapy would entail, but it's definitely worth a try.
I think lots of people go to the gym for the same reason Shane. You get some very fearsome looking types pounding away on the treadmill. They can be quite scary!
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Post by spitzig on Jun 4, 2003 19:10:29 GMT -5
I'm the same. I don't want people to dislike me so I always avoid arguments...except with my family. Argh. Even if I'm having a discussion with someone where we've both got fairly strong opinions I always end up thinking they've got a point and probably know better rather than being assertive. Well, an opinion can't be "wrong". I do think it's good to see that someone with a different opinion "has a point", otherwise you're ignoring that opinions can't be wrong, just as you are doing by assuming they "know better". |
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Post by mugatea on Jun 5, 2003 17:44:08 GMT -5
Hey sweetness,
You are helpful and pleasing to others cause you're a great person not just cause your shy. Most shy peeps are in fact great people. Very thoughtful, considerate and modest so we are.
yeah, I'm having big probs at the mo being assertive cause I'm just so passive and cant say no to anyone and never challenge anyone elses desicion etc. I guess that can only be overcome thru practise. We have to practise saying what we want to say, learn how to say now etc. Its really the only way, but its not as hard as it seems otherwise everyone would be like we are.
anywayz
take care
jamie
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Post by NewOrleansLady on Jun 6, 2003 0:56:40 GMT -5
Sweetness, you and I are a lot alike. I self diagnosed myself as having Social Phobia. I'm afraid to speak my mind even if the topic isn't contorversial and just casual conversion. You are certainly not alone. I think most of us here, if not all, can completly sympathize with you. This is a great site for moral support and has helped me to begin to overcome my shyness (at least a little bit so far).
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Post by glenn on Jun 6, 2003 6:49:38 GMT -5
i am a bit like u to.
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Post by inkysoftwhispers on Jun 6, 2003 14:27:04 GMT -5
mm..I know spitzig. It's a bit ridiculous really. But it's hard to get out of that frame of mind.
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Post by sweetness on Jun 8, 2003 7:19:20 GMT -5
Thank you for all your replies..it did me something.
The reason i dont speak out at work is because when i would -i think that the atmosphere would be ruined, i would feel uncomfortable around them, maybe even afraid to loose my job.
With friends i dont want to loose them or i dont want a confrontation. The same i wouldnt know how to act afterwards.
I know that it is wrong and yet i dont seem to be able to change it!
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Post by moogle on Jun 8, 2003 8:46:53 GMT -5
maybe you should just try starting small. start with your friends, since, hopefully you're more comfortable around them, and try to be assertive without being rude. and disagree about something simple, for example what you want to have for dinner instead of politics or religion.
when i start at a new job, i often have trouble pointing out problems. so i usually begin by making a suggestion to fix the problem, instead of blatantly pointing it out.
the more you work at the small stuff, the easier it will be when something is really bothering you.
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Post by ASolitarySoul on Jun 8, 2003 8:50:35 GMT -5
I think my biggest problem is that, in general conversations, I don’t so much have a problem speaking my mind so much as I have nothing on my mind to speak of in the first place. I talk with people and I just draw a blank - I don’t have any comment on whatever it is that they are talking about, and I’m the type that if I have nothing to say, then I don’t say anything. Solitary Soul -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/----------------------------------------------------- |
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Post by ASolitarySoul on Jun 8, 2003 8:57:17 GMT -5
Hey sweetness, You are helpful and pleasing to others cause you're a great person not just cause your shy. Most shy peeps are in fact great people. Very thoughtful, considerate and modest so we are. yeah, I'm having big probs at the mo being assertive cause I'm just so passive and cant say no to anyone and never challenge anyone elses desicion etc. I guess that can only be overcome thru practise. We have to practise saying what we want to say, learn how to say now etc. Its really the only way, but its not as hard as it seems otherwise everyone would be like we are. There is more to it than just challenging someone with whom you disagree. You also need to learn a certain amount of tact and diplomacy, how to state things in a non-confrontational manner, and not to offend the person to whom you are having the disagreement with. I have a BIG problem in that I’m very direct and straightforward, very blunt to the point in that I come off as brusk and abrasive. I’m working on it though, and I’m getting better over time. Solitary Soul -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/----------------------------------------------------- |
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