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Post by marle on May 7, 2011 16:49:57 GMT -5
I didn't know where to put this, so I'm just going to write it here...
I was crying thinking about how it has come to this.
My cousin was like a friend during my childhood. Our mom's put us together as toddlers. I would regularly go to her house and play. When we were lying in bed at night on a sleep-over, we'd have interesting conversations (or as much as one could expect from children). When I would come back for summer vacations we would hang out at the boardwalk and amusement rides. I always thought she was so cool.
When I was back this time to attend another grandparent's funeral, we didn't speak to each other. I was too shy, but she apparently just didn't see a reason to greet me. Since our young childhood years (and long after I moved away) I have had less and less to say to her. I simply didn't relate to her or know how to have conversations. Now she is still close friends with another cousin, and today I have spoken so little to her that my presence isn't worth a cursory acknowledgment.
I just hope she knows that it's because I'm shy and not blowing her or others off.
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Post by marle on May 21, 2011 14:21:43 GMT -5
I get used to not talking to anyone. It almost feels like someone is listening to my thoughts. I always know very clearly that this is not the case, but it can feel otherwise. It is no one in particular, and they do not have a voice. It's like an undifferentiated, voiceless peer listens to my thoughts. I don't know if that's a normal internal thought experience or not. I haven't asked anyone. I do know that over time, it has become easier to not have anyone to talk to. If I were to be locked up in a room with no human interaction for 6 months or so, emotionally/mentally I probably would come out the same as when I came in. Hmm, maybe there's a job that qualifies me for. I'm not happy with my situation, but 95% of the time I'm able to not feel too depressed. I'm kind of numbly getting by. I'm trying to appreciate what little I can get out of life, and not judge my life's worth by comparing it to others. I have to work within my own abilities, making gains where I know I can and in my own way. The important thing at any moment is to move my life in a better direction... not to have everything I want right now.
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Post by marle on May 24, 2011 20:14:41 GMT -5
I stopped drinking alcohol over 2 years ago. I had an unhealthy relationship with it - I would binge a couple of days a week. I knew it was screwing up my health. It's still a mystery to me how I was able to quit -I had tried unsuccessfully 6 times before. But thank goodness I did! Because I came up with a new drinking game today. My job performance evaluation is coming up, and I came up with a list of words to have a shot each time they appear. Here is the list: proactive (be more) participate (more) verbal (be more) contribute (to the team) communicative (be more) team (be more involved with) I am going to do this, except I am going to switch the alcohol shot with a cup of kombucha. That will make me high, but in a healthy way (like drinking tea), not an addictive way. The evaluation is only based on my first couple of months at the job so I don't really know if it will take too negative a direction. Don't want to get drunk on the 'booch. |
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Post by Scotty on May 24, 2011 22:41:04 GMT -5
First, congrats on giving up alcohol, I know that can be hard for some people.  As a shy person, it's easy to expect negative comments from others. Hopefully your evaluation will be better than you think. |
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Post by marle on May 25, 2011 16:51:26 GMT -5
Thanks Scotty.
My evaluation was today and it went a little better than I expected. I didn't think it would be as bad as my drinking game suggested. I have a tendency to think about the worst possible outcome to prepare myself emotionally.
A couple of the drinking words came up, as I would expect (proactive, communicate). Their criticism about my being quiet was more about communicating how I feel about my job so far, what issues I have, what direction I'm trying to go in. And like I said, I've only had this job for a few months so I think they were trying not to be too critical. My manager did say things like "I know we have to respect the kind of person you are..." and "not everyone has to be the life of the party" which obviously means he was concerned but he didn't think it was a prerequisite to be talkative. But it does mean I have to excel in other areas.
Going to drink more kombucha tonight.
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Post by marle on Jun 20, 2011 20:25:26 GMT -5
This has been going on before the death of my grandparents: In the past couple of years, death has been on my mind a lot. My sense of time has changed. The idea of being old, even if it's 50 years from now, feels very real to me. I think about my parents being dead in the future, and there's an eery realness to it. I almost feel like I am from the future when my parents are dead, and I am peeking back in time to experience what it was like when my parents were alive (now). But also, it feels like the past is just as real. It seems like my childhood exists somewhere, even though I'm not experiencing it in this moment. Unlike the future, that's a thought that comforts me because I had a great childhood with great friends. I've come to think that the reason for all of this is because I now see where my life is headed. I can imagine what the rest of my life will be like, so I am able to have a "whole" perspective of my life. Before, I always knew there was another stage to my life. Graduating school, college, getting a job, a career, moving away from my parents (things might get different when "X" happens). Now, there isn't a clear "next step." Retirement just means more free time, and who knows when I'll be able to afford to retire. I can just very easily see things not changing very much, so what my life will be/had been at the time of my death doesn't seem so mysterious. But even so, what I see is where my life is *probably* headed. I don't know with 100% certainty what is actually going to happen. My life can get better. I might make a real life friend between now and my death. I might be doing something more fulfilling with my life. There is a glimmer of hope, and it is a combination of luck and the potential in myself that there is any reason for hope.
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Post by Farouche on Jun 26, 2011 2:33:55 GMT -5
I almost feel like I am from the future when my parents are dead, and I am peeking back in time to experience what it was like when my parents were alive (now). I know EXACTLY what you mean!  I identify with your whole post, actually, but it's really weird to see this particular thought articulated by another person. Good to know it's not just me who thinks like that. But also, it feels like the past is just as real. It seems like my childhood exists somewhere, even though I'm not experiencing it in this moment. Yes, this too, definitely. I remember reading a while ago was that in your twenties and thirties (or something like that), your brain starts to consolidate your childhood memories somehow, bringing them more into focus, I guess. I dunno where I saw that, but I wish I'd paid more attention to it. Every now and then I'll be sitting at work and get a really vivid flash of a childhood memory that has nothing to do with the present situation. It's nice to re-experience those moments, and it really does create an odd sensation like that part of history still "exists" somewhere. I've come to think that the reason for all of this is because I now see where my life is headed. I can imagine what the rest of my life will be like, so I am able to have a "whole" perspective of my life. Before, I always knew there was another stage to my life. Graduating school, college, getting a job, a career, moving away from my parents (things might get different when "X" happens). Now, there isn't a clear "next step." Retirement just means more free time, and who knows when I'll be able to afford to retire. I can just very easily see things not changing very much, so what my life will be/had been at the time of my death doesn't seem so mysterious. Yep, your assessment makes a lot of sense. One thing that's struck me recently is how rare surprises have become. Everything is a surprise when you're a kid: what you learn at school; what your parents make for dinner; where you go or who you visit on school breaks; what you get for Christmas; whether your favorite shirt is clean. On top of all that, like you say, you pretty much get to start a whole new phase of life every few years: elementary, middle, and high school, then college, then work (you could end up doing ANYTHING... so they tell you)--or grad school, then work, in your case. Every school year is a huge change from the last, and in some of the schools I went to, you got an entirely new set of classes up to four times a school year. PLUS you're growing and getting better at everything all the time because your capacity (in a lot of subjects, anyway) just keeps increasing as you mature. Now I have to consciously think about any change in routine, and work tends to be the same slightly different situation again and again, pretty much by definition. And I wouldn't even want to change jobs every year even if it weren't sorta frowned upon. Too much hassle. I think I like life a lot more now than I did as a kid, but yeah, I really miss that "anything can happen" feeling. Even though there's certainly still a lot that can happen, and I have much more freedom to try things as long as I'm willing to put in the effort. I guess part of it is simply that reaching adulthood is a bit of an anticlimax after all the buildup and hype it got from school and parents. But even so, what I see is where my life is *probably* headed. I don't know with 100% certainty what is actually going to happen. My life can get better. I might make a real life friend between now and my death. I might be doing something more fulfilling with my life. There is a glimmer of hope, and it is a combination of luck and the potential in myself that there is any reason for hope. Yes, there's plenty of reason to expect good change in the future! Even if you're definitely headed down a clear path, the specifics are the interesting part. |
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Post by marle on Jun 26, 2011 20:30:36 GMT -5
Hi Farouche, I'm glad someone found something to relate to in my writings. Every now and then I'll be sitting at work and get a really vivid flash of a childhood memory that has nothing to do with the present situation. It's nice to re-experience those moments, and it really does create an odd sensation like that part of history still "exists" somewhere. It's interesting that you're experiencing your childhood memories more vividly. In my own case, I can't say my memories are more vivid, but there's an attitudinal change (and a 'sense' about them). I'm used to accepting the premise that the past doesn't exist. The current popular attitude, especially in New Age thinking (and traditionally in Buddhism), is that the past doesn't matter. Most people say the past doesn't exist. I understand the importance of focusing on the present, because that is what we can control. However, in a more objective sense I think the past is just as real. I'm not sure if the future is also real, but it certainly seems more real to me than it ever has been. Certainly some things about the future are real- some events definitely will happen (for instance, death). Things like that seem just as real to me as the past. But like you said, when it comes to the future we don't know all the details. One thing that's struck me recently is how rare surprises have become. Everything is a surprise when you're a kid Exactly. This is partly why I don't understand why other people have such a constantly high enthusiasm level, at least the people I'm around day-to-day. I'm very even keel, I don't have a very strong reaction to what is going on around me. A lot of people seem very excitable and highly reactive when it comes to other people and the environment they're in. I'm often thinking "I don't see what the big deal is." I think I had enthusiasm when I was a kid. I wish I had more of that - although not too much. I also wish I had the creativity I had when I was younger. Maybe there was more to be inspired by at that age? Of course being a loner and not being in a relationship or having children I'm going to have less inspiration to draw from than other adults. I look at my diary from my 12-14 year old years and I see so many entries, along with lots of drawings and comics. Although I was just as quiet back then, I wish I could have some of that creative spark today. |
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Post by marle on Jul 15, 2011 22:18:40 GMT -5
I found out the annoying extroverted guy at work's brother authored one of my favorite books of all time about one of my old hobbies. When I first realized it today, I really wanted to speak to him about it (he wasn't hanging around at the time). I felt a rush of adrenaline. A lot of nervous energy. Any feelings of fear or normal discomfort of speaking to a person conversationally would have been no match for my desire to bring this up. I'm pretty sure I would have walked up to and spoken to him if I knew where he sat. A few hours passed by, and my excitement cooled down just a little bit. He came by my group area near the end of the day and talked to my co-workers. It was then that I brought up his brother and told him his book was one of my favorites. I was pretty 'cool' about it - didn't talk about it with the excitement I felt earlier. I also didn't say much because my other coworkers were there and I didn't want to look silly. I'm not too concerned about this because he might bring this up in the future, so I'll probably get to say more about it.
I'm so quiet that this is the first time at work I even brought up a non-work topic. And even though I was excited about it, it amounted to about 2-3 sentences and I didn't even convey my enthusiasm. There has to be extreme motivation for me to do something like that. It's been this way since I was very young. I am in the ultimate worst case situation - I am very unmotivated to speak my thoughts to people (introverted), I am afraid to speak conversationally with people (shy), and I am not good at expressing my thoughts in real-time (socially mentally disabled). If I could get rid of one of those problems I feel like I could be at the level of a 'normal' shy or introverted person. I wish I was like a typical 'shy' person whose main problem is getting dates and not having more than one or two friends. I haven't had a 'real-life' friend to talk to since I was about 9 years old and the idea of dating/seeing someone is in another universe.
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Post by marle on Jul 15, 2011 22:30:30 GMT -5
Also, I was checking to see where the Annoying Guy sat and it was in a corner somewhere, with a couple of other people around. They all looked they were Very Quietly Seriously Doing Work (if only my area was like that). This didn't surprise me- I had a theory going that a reason he was coming by our area and chatting so much was that his own area was quiet, and an extroverted person has an overwhelming urge to chat so we were his outlet. Even though this didn't surprise me too much, it looked so sad with him sitting there in that quiet space. I felt slight pity in that moment.
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Post by marle on Jul 19, 2011 17:03:26 GMT -5
For years I have been feeling tired with brain fog and low motivation. Today my doctor told me I have hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid). I am going to take prescription hormone replacement pills. I'll see if this changes my mood. This is a bright spot of hope - I've identified a problem and can now take steps to address it.
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Post by missklew on Jul 20, 2011 6:41:59 GMT -5
For years I have been feeling tired with brain fog and low motivation. Today my doctor told me I have hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid). I am going to take prescription hormone replacement pills. I'll see if this changes my mood. This is a bright spot of hope - I've identified a problem and can now take steps to address it. That is good they figured out what it is. I hear you start to feel better on the meds quite soon. |
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Post by marle on Jul 20, 2011 22:02:57 GMT -5
I hear you start to feel better on the meds quite soon. Here's hoping. Any improvement will be much appreciated. Having low energy affects everything in ones life. |
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Post by marle on Aug 30, 2011 19:16:24 GMT -5
I don't understand why almost everyone seems to maintain a constant stream of chatter. Why don't I? Are my thoughts not geared to socially acceptable popular things? Is it just my lack of interests? When I have a thought, do I simply forget to have the urge "oh, I must share this thought with another person"?
I wonder do people genuinely find most of the small-talk interesting? Is it the content, the person speaking, or the general social aspect of it that holds their interest?
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Post by Crashtastic on Aug 30, 2011 19:28:58 GMT -5
I don't understand why almost everyone seems to maintain a constant stream of chatter. Why don't I? Are my thoughts not geared to socially acceptable popular things? Is it just my lack of interests? When I have a thought, do I simply forget to have the urge "oh, I must share this thought with another person"? I wonder do people genuinely find most of the small-talk interesting? Is it the content, the person speaking, or the general social aspect of it that holds their interest? I guess small talk is sometimes just gibber, but other times it can lead to other conversations. It helps to connect to other people in a small way. Find out about them....kinda like an ice breaker, I suppose. I'm not the greatest at it most days but with my work I have to engage in small talk on a somewhat frequent basis, and every now and then I find out some interesting things. |
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I identify with your whole post, actually, but it's really weird to see this particular thought articulated by another person. Good to know it's not just me who thinks like that.
