marle's diary

[marle]

It's been a little more than two weeks, and I feel pretty much the same way about the situation. I feel very grateful that I have this person as my roommate. I know that it didn't have to be this way. I know other people have some horror stories about roommates. I hope she stays on for a long time.

I would describe our relationship as congenial. She's nice, I'm polite, we rarely speak. I'm sure it has as much to do with my own demeanor as anything else. She probably thinks I want to be left completely alone. We don't even know many of the basics about each other, like where the other is from. I told her I'll be gone for most of this week, but I didn't even tell her where I'm going (visiting family in Georgia)! But like I said before, it's hard to get a hold of her to say something... neither of us really hang out in the 'common area.'

I can only hope there will be opportunities that come up. You'd think there would be. Despite what I'm saying here, I'm still very introverted. I don't want to socialize that much. I like being alone most of the time and being able to decompress. But if I could relate to people just a little bit that would be better.

I'm thinking of showing some of the comics I've drawn. To either the roommate (who has a sense of humor), or her 15 year old daughter. Since the 15 year old LARPs (Live Action Role Play), that makes me more comfortable sharing with her my nerdy habit. However, the topic would have to come up somehow. Maybe one day.

[marle]

This is a pretty long post this time, so feel free to ignore....

On a social basis, the situation with my roommate hasn't changed. Obviously, as time goes on the more remote the possibility seems that any of that will change. Our lease recently came up for renewal. She did not want to commit to another year, so I signed it for just myself and we agreed that she will decide in a few months (when the current one officially ends) if she wants to continue on. So it's very much in the air whether she'll still be my roommate at the end of January. It's not very encouraging, socially, if she's likely to be gone in a few months. There will be less reason for either of us to talk to each other, I guess. It does concern me if she leaves, because I don't know what kind of luck I will have with the next roommate or if I find anyone at all. Like I have said, she has been very considerate.

She is "outgoing", although not with me. I guess she is the kind of person who needs other outgoing people to be outgoing. I am so shut off, and she sees no point in engaging with me. I probably give off strong "please don't talk to me" vibes even though it's just shyness. She is being respectful and minding her own business, unfortunately for me...

In other news... I am leaving my therapist. It is long overdue. Of course she told me I shouldn't do this. I agreed to see her one last time and that's it. It is true, like she said, that she is the only person I talk to. But other than that, it's pointless. To be honest, I don't want 90% of her input. I don't know if it's personal with her, or if it's just "therapist" input I don't want. It's really hard to tell. At any rate, I hate sitting there every week, having to fill up an hour when I don't have much to say, and often repeating myself (and her repeating herself). Even if I do have more to say, I usually have those thoughts in my quiet, alone moments. Not when I am in her office forcing myself to drone on about my week. I really need a break from that.

Also... I am losing weight. Some time ago I had talked about how I was having no luck with that. Well now, it's actually happening, although I have a long way to go to reach my goal. Most of the weight loss may be due to the fact that I'm no longer pouring cream in my coffee or adding oil/cheese to my pasta (I'm now adding mushrooms), as simple and dumb as that sounds. I have lost 23 lbs so far in the past 4 months. I need to lose as much as possible for my back. It has been increasingly bothering me for the past few years, when I stand or walk for more than about 20 minutes. It's really messed up that it's bothering me so much at my age (31). It seems to be a mostly hereditary thing, but weight certainly plays a factor. It honestly kind of scares me. What will it be like when I'm 40? I'm afraid the only way I won't become disabled in my 40s is to become rail-thin (which I have never been) or have personal gym trainer strength lower back muscles, or both. I can't afford to be disabled, especially since I will probably remain friendless and my parents will die someday. I'm being a bit doomsday-ish, but my point is I really have to work on this, somehow....

[puppet]

I hope your roommate stays with you.
And good work in losing your weight!

[marle]

Just received a text from her that she's leaving, and will be moved out within two days. I feel a little blind-sided, although I thought she was likely to leave within a few months. Hopefully her decision is not a huge reflection on me. Of course I do think about that- did she think I was unfriendly? It's possible. It hurts to think about that. More likely there were other factors that were much more important. Anyway, she said she sent another text earlier that didn't get through. Not sure how long ago she sent that one.

Well, the roommate search continues...

^Thank you, Puppet, for the encouragement

[marle]

Yep, one text and less than two days later the place is emptied out.

[Outcast]

Hope you feel better Marle and find a new roommate soon. Don't try to take it too personally. Just try to remember that we can't please everyone. I'm sure you'll be able to find someone you can get along with in the future.

[marle]

I'm going to make another update here. Mainly because my boredom is pretty bad right now. I've had a week and a half off from work and have been able to manage so far. That sounds funny, I know- being able to manage having nothing to do. As I mentioned in my "video", I went to a UConn womens basketball game- in fact, I went to two of them. But I haven't done anything else significant. I sometimes think of things I can do... but I just don't feel like it. Of course, on Monday all of the Holiday time off will be over with... but I do have a problem making good use of my extra time, like after hours and weekends. I should be doing constructive things, like working on job skills. I am continually stuck in a rut in that area of my life.

With the roommate search, I continue to look, hoping an opportunity shows up. This is one reason I wish I lived in a larger metro area. There seem to be way more opportunities to find a roommate, among other things.

As far as the roommate who left, I have since found out (through her Facebook page) that she got back together with her ex-husband. So that would explain why she left. I had suspected she left due to outside factors like that, but it's good to know for sure.

I'm still losing weight, although very very slowly. The vacations and Holidays have messed with my normal routine. I expect to get into gear on Monday. I also joined a weight loss competition (it's a meetup group, but I only meet them for starting and final weigh-ins. They also have a Facebook group). We had an 8-week competition a few months ago, and to my surprise, I won. So I will be doing this a second time. I believe weight loss needs to be a long-term strategy, but I've joined this group just for the fun of it (and the prize at the end ). I don't see friendship possibilities in the group, and they're women who are mostly 20 years older who live more than an hour away, so it's not really an avenue for that. But regardless, it seems worth doing. Oh yeah... and my back is feeling noticeably better. I've been able to stand/walk for longer periods of time without discomfort. But it still needs to improve.

[Zoe]

Hi Marle, how are you? How is the weight loss meet up group going? Hope you had some success with finding a new room mate?

[marle]

Jan 25, 2015 8:12:11 GMT -5 Zoe said:

Hi Marle, how are you? How is the weight loss meet up group going? Hope you had some success with finding a new room mate?

Hi Zoe, thanks for replying.

I started the weight loss competition two weeks ago, which is when I met the group for the initial weigh-in. Honestly, the group has very little to do with my weight loss. But I'm doing it because I don't have a reason not to. As far as the social aspect of it, I didn't really chat with them when we met up. There's a Facebook group for it that people don't use too much, and I post to that once in awhile. Also, I felt uncomfortable with the idea that I might win again, so I promised the group in a Facebook post that I would give away half my prize if I win again.

So I don't have a lot at stake with this group. However, as far as my weight loss goes, I'm still losing, but slowly. When my previous roommate moved in, that threw off my normal routine a little and I stopped exercising. I don't know if that affects my weight loss in a significant way, but I'm trying to start that up again. It's hard to put my finger on it, but I can feel a difference when I exercise regularly. It also helps me catch up on my audiobooks/reading when I'm on my exercise bike.

Now as far as the roommate search goes- unfortunately no luck there. I even posted my ad on my company's message board last week, but haven't heard from anyone.

How about you, Zoe? Are we going to get an update from you? How is it going at your work, if you don't mind me asking?

[marle]

New roommate is moving in right now. He responded to the ad at my workplace. He's late 20s-ish, a new hire, although I don't work with him directly. The fact that I know where he works puts me more at ease than finding somebody on craigslist.

It's nice to share the rent again, and it will be nice if this doesn't become a case of being complete strangers. I would never expect friendship, but something above stranger-that-I-somehow-trust-living-with would be nice.

Although I don't expect it. I just hope this goes smoothly.

[Zoe]

Hi Marle, how did the first week go living with your new room mate?

[marle]

So now it's been two weeks. I kind of prefer not to dwell on the first few days, because I don't expect them to represent the normal experience. Certainly in the first days there is more interaction, because there has to be.

Overall, it's been going fine with this roommate. It's been fairly smooth going. Don't know how often we'll have reason to interact. There isn't much of it now, and honestly I don't know if I feel motivated to go out of my way to make an effort. His normal work schedule has him going to work early, so he goes to bed at a decent time which I appreciate because it means no roommate noise preventing me from sleeping... I always like that.

I would certainly like it if we had more conversational moments, although unfortunately I guess my normal demeanor is toxic to that. Don't have much to say and don't have a tendency to smile.

I have other things to worry about though. I've been thinking about work and the upcoming performance review. They might notice that I haven't had much to do in recent months. My review last year was very positive so I'm not worried that it will be terrible. But if they don't think I've done enough it might create some awkwardness. I usually am very bad at predicting these things, though. And I still need to work on building my programming skills. I have an incredibly hard time being self-motivated. It's my biggest fault. I'm just sleep-walking through work and my life for the most part.

[marle]

So a little update...

Mar 14, 2015 20:57:30 GMT -5 marle said:

I've been thinking about work and the upcoming performance review. They might notice that I haven't had much to do in recent months. My review last year was very positive so I'm not worried that it will be terrible. But if they don't think I've done enough it might create some awkwardness. I usually am very bad at predicting these things, though. And I still need to work on building my programming skills. I have an incredibly hard time being self-motivated. It's my biggest fault. I'm just sleep-walking through work and my life for the most part.

The performance review I was concerned about actually went very well. I know for a fact that I haven't done as much in the past year... yet my manager did not seem to have any awareness of this. I am not just saying this- it is due in part with the management structure I'm under. There's a bit of a "left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing" when it comes to my supervisors and how work comes to me. I won't get into the details too much but trust me. However, I don't want to sound like I'm a complete fraud. I do work on things at times and I'm often helping people.

And I'm actually working on some programming right now. I'm a little bit concerned that the programming language I'm working with is not exactly in demand in the marketplace. ...but it's something. I need the experience. The reason I started this is not because I was handed an assignment- I actually wanted to improve some functionality (querying) in the software, and my immediate work supervisor is OK with me working on it. This is one of those very unusual cases where I actually feel strongly about something, and it is leading me somewhere (not saying that what I'm doing is a gigantic deal). It just seems really important to find and zero in on what you feel passionate about. I am not a naturally engaged, self-starter with many interests like so many other people. It's a real challenge for me. I need to find those few things I'm interested in, like needles in a haystack, and get into those things as much as I can. Because otherwise, with all my apathy (and laziness), it will be nearly impossible for me move forward on anything.

[puppet]

I kind of feel the same about my previous performance reviews. I don't understand why they are so positive.
Maybe we are too harsh on ourselves and we don't see the real value of our work?

Jul 5, 2015 18:48:10 GMT -5 marle said:

I am not a naturally engaged, self-starter with many interests like so many other people. It's a real challenge for me.

I'm like that too. Well, I don't have many interests and get easily bored... It's like there is nothing to keep me going forward.

Anyway, even if you feel you may not deserve it, congrats on your review!
And good luck with the assignment !

[marle]

Well, my past week was different than usual.

I want to post more on this site and in my diary. I think a reason I don't is that I don't want to dwell on stuff that's happened to me. And when I am best in a position to write thoughtful posts, I'm usually at home wanting to relax- not wanting to dwell on or work through my issues.

But back to my diary entry. This past week I traveled to attend a 4 day long conference for my job. A co-worker also attended, and we stayed in the same hotel (different rooms). This person has been my co-worker for as long as I've worked at my job. We work on different floors so we don't see each other most days, although we work in the same department, and we've had some business communications.

I'd call him an extrovert - he craves socializing, but with people he's at least somewhat familiar with. Our travel situation reminded me of a hypothetical situation I've thought (somewhat fantasized?) about before - being stuck on an island, or in a room with one other person which essentially forces us to socialize with each other. Of course this was a less extreme situation. But we did text a bit, we watched TV one night in my room, and had a quick bite to eat at the hotel bar another day.

I think the texting went OK. I am certain that when we met up (my room, and the bar) that I was very boring and quiet. He would have had a much better time with someone else. However, I feel like it could have been worse. It may have been "meh" (particularly for him), but it wasn't terrible. That's probably as good as it was going to get, especially since I can't drink alcohol.

I learned that it's helpful to have the TV on. It makes silences easier, and occasionally spurs conversation. It's odd that I would only find that out now. I was in social situations before with the TV on, but it was with multiple other people who were friends with each other so they just talked amongst themselves.

We're supposed to report back what we learned at the conference. I may have to create a write-up. I'm nervous about that- I feel like much of the conference did not relate directly with my job (unlike my co-worker, who I'm sure will have an easier time of it). And maybe they will think I did not make enough connections at the conference with the software support vendor.

So I'm nervous about that - I just want this conference to be behind me. But I think having the new social experiences was good. Although it doesn't change much in the scheme of things.