Lost

[Sigh]

I feel like I'm drowning and no one can see it, or no one cares to anymore. I feel I’ve driven the whole world away and I want to open my mouth and scream help! But the words don't come and what would be the point in asking? Maybe I don't deserve help or kindness or anything good. Maybe I’m just not worthy. Who cares about the stupid agoraphobic who can't even do something stupidly simple. Who can't even have a job. I'm just a drain... a drain on everything and everyone. I wish I had support but it seems everyone is tired of supporting me. The empty yawning chasm of depression threatens to drag me under and there is no hand held out to stop my fall. Not this time.

I fear you'll all read this and think I’m foolish or pathetic or needy or useless or just crying for attention and that I’m a whiny little attention seeker. I'm not just being dramatic or something; I just honestly feel utterly lost and have no idea what to do anymore. I fear I am broken beyond fixing. I fear no one trusts me and everyone thinks me dishonest, a liar. I fear everyone thinks ill of me and that I deserve to be thought ill of

I just feel so alone in the world, more alone than I could ever convey. Misunderstood, unwanted, lost.

Am I the only person who feels this way? Trapped inside of all this fear, darkness... like somewhere inside is the person I’m supposed to be; the better person but instead all I feel like is a lost little girl whose mummy and daddy don't really care or love her. Who fears that if they couldn't feel those things for her, who ever could. Who fears it's all her fault, that she did something wrong and now she's denied those things for all of time. How do you fix that?

I'm so tired of it all. Maybe everyone should just stay away from me because I ruin everything.

[Zoe]

Hi Sigh....don't give up on yourself. I'm sorry to hear the sadness and frustrations that you have been feeling. I have felt this way last December and whilst i must admit it isn't easy to get back on track... it is possible with very very tiny baby steps.

I personally think you are brave to admit that you need help and that you are also a funny and friendly person to hang around with. Please feel free to PM me, i will try my best to reply as soon as I can.

You are not alone.... Us, shybies are behind you for support like how you are when we need help....

It will get better

[missklew]

You do have us here. Some of us deal with depression and anxiety and agoraphobia.

It is hard not to be hard on yourself when things get so disappointing and feel like you let people down and things like that.

I do think we are way harder on ourselves than anyone else would be.

One thing that helps me even when nothing is going right and I can't seem to move as I am frozen from fear is to say, it is possible. I don't even have to believe it but I just say it for the small hope that it will stick somewhere and bring a bit of courage.

If you want to get some help for the agoraphobia you can. I don't know if there are counsellors by phone to start with.

I know even the smallest step seems impossible at the time. I was supposed to go to the doctor to get more anxiety medicine and I couldn't go. I didn't call them or anything. I haven't been to work in a week. I've been outside a couple time. I am slipping into the abyss.

Gosh I wish I knew something to say. I feel I am rambling useless ramble to you in trying to reach out from another who has suffered for years with this rubbish.

But, I will still say, it is possible even though it doesn't feel that way.

I don't know what things you have tried yet but see if you can find an online counsellor to start with.

[residentweevil]

This is going to sound crazy but:

a) Have you seen the movie Fight Club, or read the book of the same name?
In it, the protagonist can't sleep, so he joins random support groups for diseases which he does not have

b) Or you can look into Buddhism. The main idea is that to live is to suffer and that suffering is created by our desires for things that can never be satisfied. To free oneself from these needs, one frees oneself.
It's a pretty interesting theory.
Buddha never intended it to be a religion but rather just a way of living, but people turned it into a religion anyway, such sheep we are.

c) You'll only be happy with people like yourself or people who've been where you are. Most people don't get it. They'll never get it. You don't need such people.

[sara7]

Honestly... I'm really realizing how sad my life is. I have some really amazing friends, ones that I can laugh effortlessly with. But my dad doesnt let me hangout with them because we were caught smoking weed together.. But honestly, those friends are amazing, they are harmless, and I know they are the ones that will always be there for me. The ones he does let me hangout with.... I really dont want to be friends with at all any more. We have been friends for 10 years, (theres two of them). They are both depressed, they self harm... and this has been going on for three years. I simply cannot be surrounded by these types of people anymore. It is simply too hard on me The only solution I can think of is trying to be more social and make new friends. But I cant. I dont know how. I get really really anxious around people I dont really know. Thoughts start going through my mind like "Talk to them, what should I say? what if I say it but then I wont know what to say after? What if there's an awkward silence cause I wont know how to continue the conversation? Just relax, the words should come naturally." I tell myself to relax, but I cant. No matter what I do. I get really pumped when I`m by myself, and I just wanna get out into the world and meet new people and make new friends. Not the ones who can only drink to have fun (like the self harming ones). But when the time comes and I`m faced in a situation where I have to talk to new people, I just freeze up. My mind goes blank. I come off like a total b***h. I`ve been dealing with this for about seven months. I try to give it time..... let the relationship grow... but it`s like I cant do it. It`s not possible. It doesnt matter how long it takes, I dont know how to break the awkward barrier. Does anyone else feel this wayÉ please please please someone give me some feedback I am really starting to struggle with this.

[jwn57030]

I have taken a bit of time to try to think about your dilemmas. My initial thought to both posts was just to try to "remain positive." You can probably guess I have not been in such a negative frame of mind for such a long time that I can hardly remember what its like being in either of your positions. So I thought about it more and realized that when I was greatly depressed many years ago a cliche like "remain positive" would not have helped at all, when a good day for me was when I got through the entire day without thinking about killing myself.

Going through that I can say if you can push through and survive it makes you a stronger person and life does get better. I know when I was in that place I didn't really have any hope or idea that life could get better. Through some dumb luck, learning from mistakes, and some concious decisions I was able to improve my life a lot. I still have things in my personality and life that I am working on fixing a little at a time. I have a larger goal in mind , but I have split it up into many little pieces that are achievable. Once I have accomplished all the small pieces I should be at my larger goal.

That being said I will try to be more specific to both main posts. I'll start with sara7's as thats a bit easier to respond to. I think the best way you can make new friends is the way you made the original ones. Most likely by letting things take their course and not trying to force anything. As someone who finds it difficult to talk to new people I understand how hard it can be. You sound like you are probably school age. If you are in school I would suggest seeing what activities or clubs are available that you might have interest in. This will give you the opportunity to meet and talk to others about something you have interest in or to learn about something completely new. Hopefully that will naturally move into making acquaintances and then friends.