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Post by robini123 on Oct 14, 2017 5:35:35 GMT -5
Shyness is simply caring too much what others think about you. As for a deeper cause, I am not sure but I suspect that being torn down as a kid by those who have influence over you as opposed to being built up could be a causal link.
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Post by robini123 on Oct 14, 2017 5:27:05 GMT -5
How others judge you says more about them than you. Do not take on their negative judgment as doing so is a brick in the path to a miserable life. At work do your best, adapt, learn and progress as an employee. If your boss needs you to make some improvements then objectively examine options for improvement. If your boss is a bit of a butthead then remember that how your boss judges you personally says more about him/her than it says about you. Do not take on the negative judgments of others or you will continue to be unhappy.
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Post by robini123 on Oct 14, 2017 4:50:45 GMT -5
I was painfully shy and had social anxiety for much of my life. Today as an old man (52) I am still introverted but no longer shy beyond brief moments that get fewer as I get older. First, what is the cause of shyness? Shyness is simply a function of an extreme and unreasonable fear of the negative judgments of others.
So how does one overcome shyness? The short answer is care less what others think of you. While we are all unique individuals there is a common thread that runs between us all and that thread is emotion. Once one comes to objectivity understand that we are all insecure to one degree or another, this makes ones own insecurities seem ordinary, common and not as scary as when one errantly assumes that they are insecure while others are not.
Next a few words on confidence. Confidence comes from caring little what others think specifically about you. We need to care what others think in general, but caring about what others think specifically of you should be limited and contextual. It is good to care about what others think about us but not to the point where one bases their self-esteem and sense of self-worth upon the subjective views of others. The good thing about becoming confident is that it is not about trying really hard to be confident, it is simply a matter of caring less what others think of you which will inexorably lead to confidence. Note that there is a distinct difference between being confident and being cocky. Confidence largely comes from not placing much value upon the subjective judgments of others while cockiness is overcompensating for ones insecurity by wearing a facade of confidence without possessing the actual confidence to pull it off.
Once you objectively understand that how one judges another says more about the judge than the judged, you will come to see how silly it is to take on the subjective labels (judgments) that others try to apply to you. Becoming confident does not happen over night and will likely take an extended period of time for you to largely shed your insecurities.
I learned what I know largely through the study of philosophy. If you choose to take my route, do not approach philosophy in an academic way, approach philosophy in a practical way and read what philosophers have to say about fear, confidence, anger, etc., and see what teachings the philosophers taught that can make your life better.
One last thing. This will likely be the hardest thing that you have ever done in your life so make a choice, to continue on as you are or overcome shyness. I lived for decades as a shy guy and I am here to tell you that overcoming my shyness has massively increased my quality of life and happiness! If I could do it I have no doubt that you can too!
Best of luck my friends.
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Post by robini123 on Apr 29, 2014 1:46:16 GMT -5
I may seem weird but what you've just wrote had me smiling. I'm really happy for your friend as it shows there's a chance after all If I may ask, who did the first move? Was it him or his wife? I actually do not know who made the first move. I have never met his wife but she seems a bit reserved. My wife is shy and I find that shy or reserved couples work well together. In my relationship it was my wife that made the first move.
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Post by robini123 on Apr 18, 2014 22:59:18 GMT -5
I think it's a nice list that may be helpful. I especially like ''not being someone's preference'' part. However, sometimes I kind of think that not everyone is destined to find someone About number four- Insecurity can be problematic, that's the truth. I may be wrong but to me guys have it harder than girls as they're expected to make the first moves (or at least the very first one). BTW it's great you've managed to overcome your shyness Thanks. The saying "There is someone out there for everyone" does sound like it belongs on a Hallmark card, but I more or less think it is a fairly accurate statement. I have an old friend named Mike. I have known him since the 80's and am still friends with him today. Mike was/is a chubby guy and not very attractive. On top of that he was/is socially awkward and not good around women. I considered myself a shy awkward dude back in the 80's, but Mike was WAY more shy and awkward than I was. I thought for sure that Mike would never find a woman... but I was wrong... it took him many years... but when he was 49 he found a good woman and got married. They have been together for 6 years and Mike is happier than I have ever seen him! The point in the telling of this story about my friend Mike is that we never know what the future may hold. Who you are now is not going to be the same as who you will be in 10 years from now. We mature, get wiser, more confident, we grow in so many ways... so never write off all hope because none of us know what the future holds. In the mean time, work on bettering yourself, building your confidence, and perhaps in time a mate may enter your life and change your whole world! As for me, married my first wife at age 27... marriage fell apart after 16 years... met and married my current wife and the love of my life at 46. Sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for... so take your time... there is no rush... and know this... no one knows what the future holds for them... so don't count yourself out just yet!
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Post by robini123 on Apr 15, 2014 15:22:58 GMT -5
1) The best dating advice there is... is to be yourself and realize that you cannot be all things to all women/men. Rejection is not a reflection of you, its the other person expressing that you are not their preference... and there is nothing wrong with that!
2) Dating is a marathon, not a sprint... so take your time.
3) Confidence is attractive but cannot be faked... so don't even try to fake it or you will just come off as even more awkward. Confidence is something that with time and effort can be developed. Confidence is about standing upon your own principles and being comfortable with yourself.
4) Everyone is insecure to one degree or another. Those who appear confident are just really good at limiting, managing, and masking their insecurity.
5) Make a list of "relationship musts", such as "must be tolerant of others"... etc. Keep the list short as if it is too long the bar will be set so high that no one could measure up to it... but do not have it so low that you end up settling for a mate who is not a good match for you. 6) Make a list of "deal breakers", such as "will not date a judgmental person"... etc. Again keep the list short as if it is too long the bar will be set so high that no one could measure up to it... but do not have it so low that you end up settling for a mate who is not a good match for you.
7) Lighten up... its only dating... have fun with it!
Best of luck!
P.S. Why should anyone listen to me? Well as an old man (49 y/o) who has overcome his shyness to a large degree and who has successfully dated... I have learned some things, made some observations and am happy to share my knowledge with any who may be helped by it.
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Post by robini123 on Apr 12, 2014 15:37:45 GMT -5
I would say "kool, whatcha have in mind?"
This would leave it up to the other person to better clarify if they are looking to hang out or to go on a date.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 28, 2012 14:25:21 GMT -5
I am blessed as I just could not care less what people think about the way I look. I enjoy the rare compliment, but just blow off negative comments... again which are rare. Because of this I can smile freely.
As for my fake smile... I hate the whole fake smile thing. My family does it all the time. To me its like putting lipstick on a pig... it hides nothing and just makes one look ridiculous. I can still do a fake smile, but only in situations where people would rather hide behind their facade that be real... those types I avoid in general, but hard to avoid family.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 26, 2012 15:23:58 GMT -5
I found this article interesting as well as vindicating. A story of Carmen Electra and her regret for being drawn to badboys. As a young man, I knew many a young woman who were like a moth to a flame, drawn to the badboy... then when they got burned, I was the kind "safe" friend who's shoulder they would cry on. Today I am thankful for this experience, as it has shaped my respectful view of women and made me a better man and a better husband... but circa 1988 it felt horrible because I was in love with one girl in particular who continually chose to be burned by the flame rather than be safe and secure with me. For years now I have been preaching that the badboys are all smoke and mirrors, hiding behind a wall of macho attitude all in an effort to mask their insecurities... the same insecurities we all have. I am still friends with a "reformed" badboy... a guy who had the looks of a Rocker version of the Marlboro Man, and could charm any woman out of her cloths with a word and a smile. Back in the 80's I watched the revolving door of women he was with, and heard the sadness in his voice and saw the pain in his eyes... he was empty all the while bedding the best looking women in town. In the end it nearly cost him his family, friends, and life. He became addicted to... well, many things, nearly to his ruin. Some see strength in hiding weakness... all I see in that attitude is the presence of a profound weakness. Here is the story from The National Ledger; (The still sexy actress-and-model admits she always dated ''macho'' men when she first moved to Hollywood at the age of 18, and she now feels ''foolish'' for believing guys had to be tough.) (She said: ''I had been brought up with macho guys. All my four older brothers were karate black belts. A lot of guys do not want to show they are vulnerable because they regard it as weakness.) (''So I ignored that for a time. I was foolish. But at 18 I was attracted to bad boys. I watched what went on around me in Hollywood and wanted to learn.'') (Speaking to The Sun newspaper, she added: ''Am I still interested in a guy's body? Now I have grown up, I am much more of a 'vibe' kind of person! If a man has a good body, that is an added plus. But I do not think it is the most important.) (''A big turn-on to me is a guy who can have any girl he wants but says no. He has self-control. Not the guy with all the chicks who is insecure.'') www.nationalledger.com/pop-culture-news/carmen-electra-was-attracted-to-270665.shtml#.UNtSaaz2F8M
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Post by robini123 on Dec 23, 2012 21:09:17 GMT -5
I hear ya. It is rare for me to comment on a hot button topic, but I did recently and lost an old friend just because he did not like my views. He actually posted on his FB page that any who agree with --- ------- should remove him as a friend.
I thought... really? Over a single controversial issue? Can't friends respect the others view even if they disagree? To him a friend is anyone who thinks like he does... ack!
Opinions are like bellybuttons... we all have one. (Clean version).
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Post by robini123 on Dec 23, 2012 21:02:13 GMT -5
I randomly wonder... how the homeless find the will to continue, on nights when it is cold and rainy like tonight.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 23, 2012 20:59:22 GMT -5
-How did you find Shy United?
General web search.
-Why did you choose your username?
Ex use to call robini, I just added the 123 for security reasons.
-Do people have "nicknames" for you?
As a young man "scarecrow" because I was tall and skinny. But now I am tall and husky so the name no longer really applies.
-If you could choose a nickname for yourself, what would it be (other than your Shy United username)?
Murdoc... it just sounds tough.
-Age?
47
-Gender?
Male
-Height?
6'4"
-Build (skinny, muscular, overweight, etc.)?
I say I am a little over weight, friends and family laugh and say I am skinny.
-Hair color?
Brown
-Hair length/style?
Long
-Eye color?
Green
-Skin tone?
Fair, but I tan well.
-Facial hair?
No, use to sport a goatee.
-Describe any tattoos or piercings:
RAM tattoo as I am an Aries.
-What do you like most about the way you look.
My long hair. It says I am not afraid to step outside the social norm, I make my own path rather than follow the herd.
-Do you wear glasses?
Yup.
-Wear any hats?
Just when I am out and its windy or raining.
-How would you describe your personal style in terms of how you dress?
Casual
-Do you speak with a regional accent.
Nope
-What region of your country do you live?
BC Canada
-What countries have you visited?
I am from the U.S. been to Mexico, Japan, and now living in Canada.
-What languages do you speak?
English and bad English... and I have only mastered one.
-Any pets?
Not at the moment, like cats though.
-Do you smoke?
No
-What is your living arrangement
Live with wife.
-How do you decorate your living space (like posters and such)?
Wife is in charge of that area. Lots of pics she has taken over the years.
-What is your relationship status?
Married
-When was your first kiss? Or have you experienced that yet?
Wow, gotta jump back in the time machine to remember that one... 1981, and I was told that I sucked... no surprise as I had no idea how to do it. Who thought it could be so complex!
-Are you a virgin?
Nope.
-Do you consider yourself straight, gay or bi?
Straight.
-What is your "type"?
Shy laid back tomboys.
-Do you have a celebrity crush?
Not really, loved Brook Shields as a kid.
-Favorite (multiple answers possible) ..snack food(s):
Popcorn
..dessert(s):
Cheese Cake
..alcoholic beverage(s):
A good dark Porter beer.
..non-alcoholic beverage(s):
Coke
-Describe your dream pizza:
Lots of meat and cheese.
-Do you follow any particular diet?
I am on the see food diet.
Is there any food or drink you like, that others might find strange?
Sushi.
-What are your hobbies?
Playing guitar and video games.
-What do you do when you're bored?
Play my guitar or video games.
-What are your obsessions?
Playing guitar and my video games. (I see a pattern developing here).
-What are your phobias?
Sharks... they just freak me out!
-What genres of music do you like?
Mainly Heavy Metal
-What are some of your favorite movies?
The Matrix, Cloverfield, LoTR.
-What kind of television shows do you watch, and what draws you to them? What shows have you been watching recently?
Wife loves crime drama, got me into Criminal Minds. I am more into Sons of Anarchy and The Walking Dead.
-What type of books do you read, if any? What do you like about them?
Anything by R.A. Salvatore, Tracy Hickman or Margaret Weis (all are fantasy authors). I have read some political books and books on the current war.
-What fictional character do you most identify with and why (if any)?
The Invisible Man. I am not shy like I use to be, but I don't really fit in with the social norm either.
-What magazines do you read?
I don't anymore.
-What websites do you visit?
IGN, NBC News, a Political debate forum, Youtube, Face Book, Shy United.
-What was (or is) your favorite academic subject?
Statistics. It taught me to see things from a different perspective, logic oriented, things are not always as they appear.
-Is there anyone famous you idolize or look up to?
Gandhi. Stopped the mighty British Empire in its tracks by simply going on a hunger strike. Broke the will of the British through non violent civil disobedience.
-What was your favorite "kid's show"?
The Electric Company.
-What did you want to be when you grew up?
I had no clue.
-What religion were you raised in, if any?
Christian
-Do you believe in ghosts?
No, but I have seen one... I know, makes no sense... long story.
-Do you cuss a lot?
Bleep ya!
-Any words or phrases that you overuse?
Nebulous.
-What is the best compliment you have ever received?
My wife telling me that I am the most kind and caring man she has ever known.
-If you had one million dollars to give to charity, who would you give it to.
The Salvation Army. They just do a lot of good for a lot of people.
That was fun, I do not talk about myself much.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 20, 2012 15:57:01 GMT -5
Hello and welcome!
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Post by robini123 on Dec 20, 2012 15:50:18 GMT -5
It is human nature to mock, tease and antagonize that which is different. Why? Hell if I know, but it is my experience. At the height of my shyness I worked evening janitorial, where I worked alone. In my early 20's I made some major changes in my life, started to come out of my shell, and found people started to treat me normally. It bothers me that people that are different from the crowd get picked on. It makes no sense to me, but none the less it is the way it is. If you are extremely reserved, soft spoken and shy... the treatment you had in your health care jobs will probably be the norm no matter where you go.
With that said, not every company is the same. Some companies have better ethics and work environment. I wish I had some words of encouragement, but people can be cruel, I hate it, but there is nothing I can do about it. We can only control ourselves and are by in large powerless over others.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 20, 2012 1:03:46 GMT -5
Completely agree. There have been some things in my life that I was initially very fearrful and nervous to do, but once I finally decided to act my life was so much better. After you are able to do something in spite of your fear, it gets easier and easier the more you do it. I should also say that I have been lucky enough to have friends that pushed me in social situations to do things I would have not done by myself because I was to scared. I greatly thank them for pushing me and showing me that some things that I had in my head as scary was not really that big of a deal. Since you gave a quote, I'll give my favorite quote on fear as well: "Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it." —Mark Twain Well said, and great quote!
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