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Post by robini123 on Nov 29, 2012 18:49:09 GMT -5
well.. i,ve dated online most of my life i,ve had a handful of online boyfriends which all ended in breakups some i,m still friends with some of them well heres my dilemma i met a guy recently and its working out so amazingly well i,m so in-love with him and hes so inlove with me hes never talked to a girl in person or ever dated one in person or had a girlfriend and either have i he told me today he originally wanted to see what its like to have a girlfriend and said now he fell in-love with me and i know he couldn't picture himself with any other girl but me ;D but the problem is i,m very shy with him at times i,ve talked on the microphone to him and on the telephone sometimes i wasn't shy on mic sometimes i am he told me to buy a cam at first i wouldn't but then i did hes in another country for his job right now when he gets home he,ll want to see me on cam eventually microphones easier for me then being on cam i,ve never owned a cam or have i ever been on one with anyone especially a guy i,m afraid i,ll look very shy on a cam and hide my face like a child or blush or look a darn fool lol on the cam hhaha what should i do if one day he asks me to go that cam i make up excuses i say its not hooked up yet which its not and i dont know how to hook it and only my stepdad does which those are all true theories but also excuses ;D that i make so i dont have go on cam cus i am so shy of going cam for him arggg what should do when the time comes and he asks me go on cam and he dont take my excuses anymore and overcome my shyness with him period?? advice please First off be honest with him. Quit stalling on the webcam thing and just tell him that you are nervous. If you are not ready for the webcam tell him you need some time to build up to that. If he really cares about you he will understand. A relationship MUST be based on honesty... anything less, and you will have a dysfunctional mess. As for your shyness, perhaps you are putting the horse before the cart. What I mean by that is perhaps you need to work on the shyness more before diving into a relationship. I am not saying you are... but its something to consider... if you have not already. Speaking for myself... I can fall in love at the drop of a hat. Seriously, I married the first woman who hit on me at 27... biggest mistake of my life because I married her for all the wrong reasons... she hit on me and I was lonely and desperate for affection. Love is a complex thing when it comes to romantic relations. It fills us with euphoria while at the same time it blinds us. You say that you have had a handful of online boyfriends which all ended in breakups. Have you looked at your online dating failures to identify any possible problems that need some attention? If not then you risk making the same mistake over and over... believe me, I speak from personal experience here. I don't know you so I cannot speak intelligently on your predicament, but I do hope that something I said has been a help.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 29, 2012 18:25:41 GMT -5
As many of you know, I play guitar. Well, this past September I performed on stage for the first time.,..... and then again earlier this month... Actually, I think I'm kinda becoming addicted to performing. Strange thing is, I'm still at pretty much the same place socially. I have little problem going on stage and playing guitar and singing. Yet, holding a decent conversation is still a problem... Then again, I suppose I'm trying to rationalize an irrational fear. Which is just silly! I am soooo jealous! I have been playing guitar since 1987, and in all that time, very few people have actually seen me play. Heck, the last time I was on stage (80's) I was single and these two absolutely beautiful women sat right in-front of me looking and smiling at me... I choked... and I have never performed in public again. But that was a negative, so let me tell of a positive. One of my greatest victories in beating back shyness is knowing that EVERYONE is insecure to one degree or another... it is just that many are really good at hiding it. This knowledge makes it much easier for me to talk to new people or be in a crowd where I don't know many people.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 29, 2012 18:14:45 GMT -5
Don't let others define you!
I am a 47 y/o man who has largely overcome my shyness... largely but not completely. And one of the biggest tips I could pass on is to not base your self worth on what others say about you.
I use to be a slave to what others thought of me. For example if I got a compliment I would be ecstatic, but if I got criticism I would be crushed. So unconsciously what I would do is act in a way that I thought others would like. I became a chameleon in an effort to become everything to everybody... and in the process I lost touch with who I am.
Sadly by trying to be a people pleaser in an effort to be accepted and liked... in the end I was still alone and nearly ended up drinking myself to death. It is an exercise in futility trying to please everyone and leads only to pain.
Now days I have a well developed filter for what others say. For example, I am a man with long hair. If someone on the streets makes a negative comment... well I just could not care less... and why should I? Am I to run to the barber, cut my hair, all in an effort to not offend someones shallow and superficial judgment?
I no longer need the approval of others to feel good about myself... it is nice to receive praise, but it is not necessary. As for criticism, I am by no means closed to it, but I run the criticism through the filter of my own take on morality and ethics... and if I am in the wrong I promptly admit it and set things right. But if someone tells me I look like a ex-con with my long hair, I tell them that people should be judged upon the content of their character and not solely on how they look.
It is important to know yourself. What do "I" like? What are "my" thoughts and opinions? What is "my" views on wrong and right? What are "my" thoughts on morality and ethics? If you have not asked yourself these questions... then perhaps you should! YOU should be the one defining who you are and what you stand for... not others!
It is OK to stand on your own morality and ethics, even if they conflict with another person's views... and this WILL happen, and it is OK. We all do not have to agree, it is OK to say "I respect your view but I see it another way".
It is YOUR life, do not lets others define it for you... else your risk being empty and depressed. Forge your own path.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 29, 2012 14:32:54 GMT -5
" Being emotionally open, and not being afraid to show your weak points is in fact a very admirable quality. Emotionally healthy women find that attractive. Don't forget, that if you're shy, you might also be better than a lot of those seemingly macho guys at understanding, talking openly and be better placed to relate to people's emotions. This is a HUGE bonus. To a lot of women, that would in fact come as a refreshing change. Indeed. My wife comments on how refreshing it is to have a man who can listen and cares about her feelings. She brags about me every chance she gets. To me, it only makes sense, if I want to be listened to, my feelings to be respected, then I need to listen to my wife and respect her feelings and opinions. A relationship is a two way street.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 19:44:49 GMT -5
LOL great thread... made me think of a funny story from High School. I was in a class that had two cheerleaders in it. One day after class they blocked the isle and one of them said "where have you been my whole life sexy" dripping with obvious sarcasm. My reply was "where I belong" which left the two girls speechless. Normally I would not be so bold... but that day for some reason it just really got to me... then I went through the day wondering if they would have their boyfriends beat me up... but all was well, I never got beat up and the cheerleaders never game me any grief after that incident.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 17:38:52 GMT -5
Many, not all, but many women like badboys. Why? I have no clear idea... but I have a few opinions. A few years ago I was dating. I get mistaken for a badboy because I am 6'4" long hair, have a tattoo, and been playing Heavy Metal guitar since 1987. At first glance this can give a woman the illusion that I am a badboy... but I assure you that I am not.
IMO the worship of the proverbial badboy is about sex. Like only badboys know how to get wild in bed. But in reality... after talking with many women over time, many so called badboys are very selfish lovers... while us more "sensitive types" are much better lovers because we are considerate lovers. Men, you want to drive a woman wild? It is simple, find out what she likes, listen... I mean really listen... not only to her words. A woman can say a thousand words through body language, while the self absorbed badboy may miss this, us more sensitive types seem better at picking this up.
Being shy sucks, no doubt about it, but there some good points to be made about to being sensitive so long as its not to the oversensitive shy extreme.
But rather than pondering why some women are like a moth to the flame in their desire for the badboys... forget the badboys... look for a sensible woman who wants stability and happiness... not chaos and drama.
And here is a little secret from an aging shy guy... the uber confident macho badboys use their badboy image as a mask to hide all their insecurities... its all smoke and mirrors folks. I would rather be sensitive and emotionally open, then egotistical and emotionally closed off.
I laugh at the thought of badboys now days... they see themselves as strong... I see them as shallow afraid and weak. A real man sees his limitations and is not afraid to admit it... while the badboy hides behind a facade hoping that the skeletons in his closet never see the light of day.
Just my opinion though.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 17:07:01 GMT -5
When I was in my 20's I did it a couple times... and my delivery was so awful because of my nervousness that I was doomed from the start. In my 40's after the end of my first marriage, I started dating again. I found that my shyness had significantly reduces from when I was a young man. I met women on a dating site where it was easier and safer to ask a woman to meet. I would just say "lets meet for coffee or a soda". The hard part was when a woman said yes and I would have to do a face to face. I would get nervous on the way to the meeting, but somehow I was always able to mask my nervousness... hack I would even give a woman a kiss on the cheek!
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 17:00:09 GMT -5
Where to meet nice girls? It can happen anywhere and at anytime. The problem with being shy is that we have to be able to seize the opportunity when it presents itself.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 16:25:53 GMT -5
There is a difference in constructive criticism and destructive criticism. If you are in recovery then you have to look at the worst parts of yourself, identify them, and work to overcome them... our negatives are the reason we drank, so looking at and overcoming our negatives is a must in recovery. Just focusing on the positive and blowing sunshine up each others dairy aire is a band-aid... a temporary solution to a long term problem. Change can be painful, and focusing on our negatives, to identify and overcome them is not a pleasant experience... bit it is a necessary experience.
Destructive criticism is callously tearing someone down for no good reason. This I am resolutely against.
To recover from addiction, you have to take a wreaking ball to your old life, only then can a firm foundation for a better life be built on.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 16:07:59 GMT -5
OP,
You are not alone buddy! And there is hope!
First off, congrats on 10 months of sobriety! I quit drinking and drugging in the 80's. When I sobered up and started to examine the reasons I drank so much I saw that my shyness was the culprit. If I drank enough I would fit in with the boys... perhaps I was just drunk and delusional, but it did not matter because I felt like I fit in while I was drunk or high. I still could not talk to a girl, but at least I could be in the same room with one without making a complete fool of myself... but again I was drunk and could have been delusional. Once I quit abusing drugs and alcohol and started focusing on bettering myself, my life got WAY better... but it still took years for me to get to a point where I was in a relationship.
I agree with the no new relationship rule. For a decade I helped addicts and alcoholics recover from their addiction and in that time I have seen countless people relapse over a new relationship. How can one hope to have a functional relationship until they work on their own flaws, better themselves. Heck when I was 10 months sober I did not know my head from a hole in the ground... it took a couple years for the fog to clear before I could see clearly.
Hopefully you have a good support group, if so, LISTEN to the directions from those who are sober and happy... ask them how they did it... then FOLLOW their directions. For many who successfully get sober it means surrendering control to another trusted person for a while until the fog clears enough so we can make good decisions on our own... like I said, in my case this took a couple years... but I am a stubborn blockhead.
As for sex and a girlfriend... it is worth waiting until you are ready psychologically and the time is right. I lost my virginity at 21. I was then celibate (not by choice) until I met my first wife at 27. I married her for all the wrong reasons (she hit on me and I was desperate for love and affection)... the marrage ended 16 years later and in reality it was over 5 years after we got married, but we rode it out for another 11 years.
When I left my first wife I did a lot of self reflection, looking at why my marriage failed, and seeing that the marriage was doomed from the start. So I made a list or what I want in a woman, kind, caring, laid back, honest... etc. Then I joined a dating website, made an honest profile where I did not cast a wide net, but a focused net, and it took 2 years, but I met and fell in love with the most wounder woman on the planet.
As for sex... like I said, don't worry about it. Why you may ask? Because I am 47 and enjoying the best sex of my life. Sorry to gross you out, but I think it is important to point out that sex has no shelf life.
At 47 am I shy man... yes, but to a small degree. When I was 25 if a woman looked my way I would get red in the face and lose the ability to speak in any understandable language.
You know what I have learned in my 47 years? Life is a trip so try to enjoy the ride, and what you see, think, and feel now will be different from what you see, think, and feel in 10, 20, 0r 30 years from now. Heck, for all you know, when you are my age you may be rocking some lucky woman's world several times a week and enjoying a loving and amazing life with the girl of your dreams.
Don't quit before the miracle happens... although I do admit that waiting years for the miracle to happen sucks... but in my case it was well worth the wait.
Good luck my friend... and remember, there IS hope!!!
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2012 15:19:27 GMT -5
I was wondering cos i think ive been doing things wrong. Can someone give me an example of what to write in an approach to a woman i like. As i think ive been doing it wrong cos not getting many comeback. I mean should i try and flatter them? It may not be your approach in posting a message. When you message someone on a dating site, the first thing they will do is go check out your profile... and if they like it, they will probably message you back... if for whatever reason your profile does not grab them, you will probably not hear from them. I would look over your profile, ask others to look at it objectively and ask for input. PoF does peer reviews for dating profiles.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 4, 2003 6:01:18 GMT -5
"I have read a few posts on here that talked about recovering by simply saying to hell with it and not caring what anyone thinks anymore and doing your own thing."
I am one of those people but it is not quite that simple.
"Some of you questioned the validity of something that seemed easier said than done,"
In my experience, recovering from shyness was an excruciating process.
"I realized lately that I have been recovering. For me, it's a very slow process. I try to find people or places (outside of my room) that can make me feel comfortable and use that as a starting point."
This is a good starting point.
"I begin to get more confidence when talking to customers. As I said, it's coming along slowly, but I can really tell a difference. I can talk to guys without blushing, I can make trivial conversation, and I even find myself making conversation with clerks when I'm the customer (this used to be unthinkable!)."
I applaud you and say keep it up.
Robert
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2003 11:14:57 GMT -5
"I can't stand to look in the mirror sometimes. I hate myself due to severe lack of self esteem."
I know exactly how you feel.
shane mckay said "Body image is a massive cause of people having a low opinion of themselves. I was thin all throughout school and I hated looking at my naked body. As I have grown older, I'm not so worried now. I have learnt to like myself the way I am. As 2 shy said, smile as you look at yourself. Pick out something you like about yourself. Something that makes you unique."
shane mckay's story is much the same as mine.
Fat or thin.
Attractive or not.
Young or old.
Shyness knows no bounds.
Being is a state of mind.
I have met many beautiful people that were ugly inside.
And I have met many unattractive people that were beautiful inside.
Which would you rather be?
I would rather be physically unattractive but BEAUTIFUL on the inside!!!
"I hate the way I look. I always want to be thinner, prettier, etc., and probably always will."
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
"How do I learn to accept myself? Sounds like a dumb question, but every time I try to like who I see in the mirror, or think positively about myself, I simply can't."
Quit basing your self-esteem on your physical appearance!!!
Are you good to your family and friends. How do the people that LOVE YOU speak of you?
Looks are not everything my friend... (although they seem to be, to teenagers)
Your friend... Robert.
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Post by robini123 on Nov 27, 2003 10:51:43 GMT -5
"or maybe now we could call you "minimally shy?" I like that phrase CaryGrant. It is fitting. "It's great to have much less shy people here to help those of us more toward the shy end of the scale.” Thank you. And if there is anything that I can do, please let me know. Robert
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Post by robini123 on Dec 4, 2003 6:11:51 GMT -5
"hi Boblouie and robert for the good advices you gave me... id try to do it when i start a conversation... i hope i can overcome this or maybe lessen it... thank you guys" NP my friend. The process to overcome shyness can be a long road, but I overcame my extreme shyness and say if I can do it, then anyone can. I'm pulling for you Siri. Robert
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