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Post by Audio the obscure on Dec 10, 2016 23:10:03 GMT -5
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Post by Audio the obscure on Sept 20, 2016 12:18:33 GMT -5
Well, I finally got in to see my family physician. She was on vacation when I telephoned the office, so I left a message. I spoke to the secretary yesterday, and apparently I had an appointment for that very day (office had called, but I was out). I didn't feel like going, but she gave me a few hours to makse up my mind since I hadn't known about the appointment in the first place and I don't go that often to see the doctor. So I got straightened around to get ready, and when I realized I definitely was going, I left her a message on the voicemail letting her (secretary) know and that I'd be getting a cab there (because of my trouble walking, leg pain, etc.).
Well I got there, and usually I'm waiting a long time to see her, but not yesterday. I probably was waiting no more than 15 minutes total (maybe less), and the secretary ushered me into one of the doctor's office rooms to wait for her. She arrived in less than 5 minutes and we got down to business (so to speak).
I had written down my main symptoms and troubles, she read through this, asked me some questions about my pain, etc. and ,then she palpated parts of my leg, knees, etc. She had me go up on the small examining bed, did some measuring of both legs (to rule out possible clots), felt each of my feet to get the pulse, and then helped me back to where we were sitting.
She gave me a couple prescriptions for pain/inflammation and muscle relaxing and she's sending me to the hospital for blood work and leg/back x-rays, and then we'll take it from there. Based on what I mentioned, my answers, and her exam of me, she thought maybe later I might have to go to physiotherapy. She had also asked me if I had back pain (I hadn't mentioned it because I was having so much problem and pain in my legs, that that overshadowed my back troubles). I said yes, my back went into a spasm the night before around 8 or so pm and was still hurting me at bedtime (around midnight). She mentioned that sometimes pain in the back will feel like it's somewhere other than there. And then I said that I read or heard somewhere about "referred pain", so we were definitely meeting minds there.
So after the appointment, I made an appointment with the secretary as the doctor wants to see me next month. Then I asked her to call me a taxi to the grocery store very close to where I live now as it has a pharmacy section. So I got my prescriptions filled, picked up some food and juice, and went home (home is only a few steps from Sobeys).
I guess that's it for now. I'll keep you posted after the tests, etc.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Aug 31, 2016 18:07:38 GMT -5
Here is the link (below). They are planning to start filming it in September, and it is supposed to be out either this year or next year (I hope!). I am glad Charles Band hasn't given up on the idea of another PM film. This will be number 11.
www.upcominghorrormovies.com/movie/puppet-master-axis-termination
puppet-master.wikia.com/wiki/Puppet_Master:_Axis_Termination
www.imdb.com/title/tt5257554/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
Don't know if anyone is interested on an update re: myself or not....In May my computer stopped working, and I haven't really gone shopping for a new one as I have had some health concerns that have been bothering me. Nothing serious (as far as I know - I'm hoping to see the doctor in Sept or October, whenever she can fit me in). Right now (since April) I've been in research mode at the public library, trying to find some herbal remedies that might help. If I find anything out, or have anything new to report - if I'm not feeling too bad, I'll keep you posted.
I know this next part should be on another thread, but I'm too fatigued right now so I will just add it here: I did get out to see the newest Star Trek movie. It was pretty good. I did manage to be able to sit through it without too much discomfort (Part of my health concerns alluded to earlier).
Whatever this health concern turns out to be (causation of my symptoms), here's hoping it isn't something serious, because I really am anxiously awaiting this new Puppet Master movie and I do want to see it (even if it's just online, as when I had seen Axis Rising a few years ago. LOL.)
Well take care everybody. Sorry I haven't posted for awhile. If I get feeling better enough to go ahead and purchase a home computer (I have the money, just not the inclination), I'll probably come back and do more posts and try to contribute more to SU morale.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 18, 2016 10:45:04 GMT -5
www.freesimon.org/
Played this game a few minutes ago. It's like the one from the 80s that my dad got me for a xmas present in 1983. I use it to help my memory not get worse. Plus the lights are relaxing to look at also.
Edit: Had the sound off on the laptop because I was listening to the tv lol. Sounds are relaxing on this game also. I actually did better on this game after I turned the sound back on because I can match the sounds easier than I can the lights:).
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 17, 2016 10:33:00 GMT -5
I was at the library last night reading "Manufacturing Depression" by Gary Greenberg. It contains a lot of interesting information/history, psychiatric history (history of mental hospitals' treatments for mental illnesses, etc.). He mentions in the book about his own struggles with depression which made it seem (to me) a very empathetic book for persons like myself. I had started reading it in the afternoon there, then took a break and went to get a hamburger for supper, bought a couple non food items in the mini-mall, and then returned to the library where I resumed reading said book. I found it a very hard to put down book and was reading it for close to 2 hours nonstop. Would have stayed longer, but had to go and get some more potatoes at the grocery store to bring home, so decided to take it out to read at home here (along with the Corey Hart and 2 Chicago music CDs ).
I still have "Flowers for Algernon" here, and I'm on the home stretch to finishing this.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 17, 2016 10:21:41 GMT -5
I'm currently listening to Corey Hart The Singles CD I got yesterday at the library. Right now "Never Surrender" is on, one of my favourites, from his 1985 album "Boy in the Box" - which title track I also like. "Sunglasses at Night" was the first one I'd heard by him and it remains a favourite also.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 16, 2016 12:00:08 GMT -5
I heard (and even my aunt told me this years ago) that pyridoxine or vitamin b-6 helps depression. I'm not sure if it helps with severe depression, but I am at my wit's end. I suppose I could try some supplements and start small and build up. I have some extra money now with living in this place. I'm apprehensive to try because if it doesn't work, I won't know what else to try.
I have almost all the listed symptoms of it:
pennstatehershey.adam.com/content.aspx?productId=107&pid=33&gid=000337
The only symptom listed that I don't have is problems with concentration. I can concentrate for hours, as long as it's a subject that I'm interested in.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 16, 2016 11:35:09 GMT -5
I hate this depression. I'm so tired of trying to find ways to get my mind off it or to change my mood. I've tried changing my diet, eating healthier. I've even given up that fluffy bread that I've been addicted to for years (now I just eat the non addictive dense sourdough - very small 70 calorie slices, one slice for a snack or meal). I've been eating salads. Cooked vegetables for supper. I rarely eat sweets now. I don't drink (well not enough to matter - for example, I still have one old wine cooler from when I was at my old place, and it's still sitting in the fridge!). I don't smoke. I don't use drugs. I'm even down to one cup of tea a day (in the morning!). I don't know what else to try as far as my diet is concerned.
I actually don't think it was my diet before that was causing my depression. I'm doing a lot of things correctly now diet-wise, and I'm still suffering. My feet continue to bother me and that is upsetting to me. Because I hate where I live now because it's too hot (yes when I get an air conditioner and it gets installed, that will help, but the big windows depress me no matter what the room temperature is!). I don't like staying in this apartment, but when my feet hurt, it's hard not to.
If I just had some relatives or friends that would care about me in the offline world, that would help. That's what I need: someone to care about me, and I don't mean a man either. I've tried that, and there just isn't anyone. I've tried Plenty of Fish and there are some nice guys on there, and a few jerks, but overall they just don't find me attractive; or, if there's someone I find attractive, usually they don't find me attractive. I'm not going to bother trying anymore to find someone. I've just gotten too old that's all. I've never really been that pretty and age is not going to make me look any better so what's the use. My aunt still treats me like I'm a stranger. My mother's younger sister! I have one sister that I haven't seen since we were kids. I've tried to contact her, but she won't contact me back. I don't even know where she lives now or I would try again. I looked for her name on facebook, but there's nothing. And if she's gotten married, I don't know her married name. Her maiden name does not show up on facebook.
If I could feel like I have some hope, but there isn't. That's what put me in the hospital in 1993 in the first place. Of course back then it was a shock. One day I'm depressed, but not too bad. The next morning, I have a panic attack that lasts for 4 months (I lost about 22 pounds at the time). I couldn't eat or sleep. I knew exactly what it was that caused the symptoms. And I still have it (hopelessness and fear of the future and certainty of my ultimate future). So far, I've been able to keep this from becoming a full blown severe panic attack. I still have control over my ability to eat (so far). It's tiring trying to block my mind when the hopelessness is so pervasive and prevalent. I want to believe "This too shall pass". But I don't. If only I hadn't become a failure. I know, I know. Thoughts determine reality. I understand that. But I can't just "think myself a success". In order to succeed where I live, I have to be proficient in the French language. I have no desire to learn French. I had immersion from grade 3 onward in school. There is a real debate going on in our province over this very thing. One security guard was not proficient in French so he lost his job. Then the government was going on about having French EMT or ambulance drivers. Now the discussion has been on separate school buses for French students. Where will it end?! The whole thing depresses me. That's one reason why some people in my province have left to try to get work out west or anywhere else in Canada. I wish the bilingualism thing were scrapped! NB is the only officially bilingual province in all of Canada! There are French classes but they cost money. And I am not motivated. You know the carrot or stick motivation. Well I'm feeling rather "stick motivated". No, nobody's pushing me, but having no desire to learn enough French to pass the NB oral French proficiency test to have bilingual certification - the lack of desire and feeling like a failure for not being bilingual is my "stick", as it were. I don't even drive, for crying out loud. If I did, I would just take off and leave! I've thought of trying to get my driver's license, but ruminating about that and checking places out (driver's ed, etc.) online - all that there depresses me also. It's not about doing the work. It's "What if I spend all that money on driver's ed - which I'd have to save up for in the first place - and still not be able to pass the motor test?" I'm sure I could pass the written test if I put my mind to it and really hunkered down and studied all the materials: the road signs, the right of way rules, and the rest of it. I'm nervous and that can really affect the ability to drive. My friend Brent took the road test years ago, and didn't pass because of nervousness. And he's a calmer person than I am!!!
It would help SO MUCH if that aunt of mine, the snob across the river, would visit me. She knows my new address. I have never seen a relative as mean as her to me in my entire life! I wrote a card for her daughter, who's handicapped severely with some money in it for her to get something she might like to have. I asked my aunt if she didn't mind to read the card to her (in hopes that later on when she perhaps is better, she may remember I had written her, that she will know someday that I care about her). I included a self stamped envelope because I wanted my aunt to write me the address and phone number of a couple of relatives (another aunt, and a cousin). I've still not heard back from her. It's pretty damn depressing when I feel I have to supply a stamped envelope to an aunt that most certainly is not poor! She is a mean austere woman where I am concerned, with no generosity of spirit or anything else toward me. I am so tired of reaching out to her and getting nothing back. She continues to treat me like a stranger. Maybe she treats strangers better than me, I don't know. That hurts so much! I might as well be dead. What's the use of living. I'm able to care about others. But I need someone to care about me. I'm not a philanthropist. I can't just give without it being reciprocated. I don't have it in me to be that unselfish. I'm a selfish person. I wish I just hadn't wasted my life 30 years of it in a church when I could have been doing other things, when I still had the youth and strength to do them. That's why I am so turned off of religion! I wish I had never gotten involved 30 years ago in religion! I wish I had been atheist, I really do. Because I'm sure I would be happy today! I can't just turn it off and say I don't believe there's a God. If I could, that would be different. If I could, I wouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling that because I've lived an unsuccessful life my future is probably that I am going to hell. And it takes every bit of will to try not to let that thought take such a hold on me (as it did in 1993 causing the panic attacks that spawned the not eating that put me in the hospital) that I end up sick in the hospital again. Because if I end up in the hospital, without any hope at all, and without any relative and friend support, I fear I may not get out. I can't even go to the doctor. I'm afraid to go. I'm afraid I won't be able to hold in just how badly I feel. If she sees it, she may put me in the hospital against my will. I won't go through that again. I did everything they said. I took every pill they gave me. I went to all the therapy groups they put me in. And what was the result? The psychiatrist says: Mary, you are not making any effort to get better!!!" And if I hadn't been so terrified of him I probably would have told him to go square flying!!!! Dr. Omotayo Ifabumuyi, I did everything you told me to do. I took every pill you prescribed me. I went to all the groups: occupational therapy, foundation therapy, creative expressions group, relax group, fun group, grief group, etc. etc. etc. and you have the unmitigated gall to tell me that I am 'not making any effort to get better'?!? I hate Fredericton! It is the most hypocritical city I have ever encountered in my life. Politically correct. Believe me, if I could do it, I would move. It's a little difficult for me right now with my feet bothering me. Plus I have nobody to help me. Not one soul. And my longtime friend from the mutual village where we each lived - she unfriended me on facebook without even an email telling me what I said that offended her. And you've got to understand she was one of my best friends. She was the friend of both my parents and myself. My mum helped her out with food for her and her kids. And she helped my mum and I move when we were in the process of moving from the country to Saint John (she already had moved to Saint John before we did). I used to babysit her kids. I lived with her for a few months in 1979 and babysat her kids. We were close knit. And she does this to me?! Surely you can see how emotionally this would affect me. She was no stranger. It hurt me deeply when I discovered her not in my friends list. And she won't return my emails. I email her once in a while asking if we can talk and touch base, etc. I tell her I miss her. I don't do it everyday. I do it every so often so she can see that I miss her but that I don't want to harass her.
I want to write more but I'm tired. My back is sore from sitting typing this. Sorry about the religion talk. I promised I would never preach on here. And I believe I have kept my promise. I feel I have to make reference to it sometimes, but only when discussing my life, and how religion played a part, and how it's affecting me now (worrying about the future, etc.). But that is all I will do in that regard.
One piece of good news, though (but not about anything I wrote above):
I got a cheque yesterday for the damage deposit I had paid on my old apartment. I actually got the full amount back, which I hadn't expected. I wasn't even sure I'd get anything back, or at best that some would have been taken out (I hadn't damaged anything, but still, some landlords like to retain what they can). I'm a bit of a hoarder regarding money (only because I've been poor all my adult life, and I like to save up just mostly for trying to move). Four hundred and eighty dollars back!
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 10, 2016 14:12:31 GMT -5
Well the maintenance guy came and put one of those lens thingys in my apt door so that I can see who it is if someone rings the doorbell. It took him no time at all.
We had spoken on the telephone earlier, and I had asked him he could find out how much it would cost me to have a new air conditioner installed. He said he would get the info and let me know when he arrived (after 1 pm today).
I have good news: he told me it would be covered by those running the subsidized apartment building and that I would not have to pay. All I have to do is call maintenance when I buy the AC and they'll get someone to come over and install it for me. So at least that is a a bit of a worry off my shoulders.
Still somewhat hot in the place here of course it is the 7th floor and Fredericton is inland, not a coastal city like Saint John, so obviously it's not going to be cool. I'm running two fans (one in the bedroom window and one in the livingroom one). So I hope I can get this air conditioner business taken care of before it gets warmer. The sooner the better. There is a lady friend that has a lead on a used AC and hopefully it will be enough BTUs to do the job. I called her after maintenance left to give her the good news and also to mention that with the big window I have in the livingroom a higher than 5,000 btu might be better (7,000 or 8,000 ideally: the existing non working AC I checked the specs listed on the side of it and it said it was 8,000 BTUs).
Well I guess that`s it for now. I`ll keep you posted of any new developments.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 10, 2016 14:00:49 GMT -5
Hello and welcome:).
I understand where you're coming from.
I, too have difficulty in verbal conversations. I almost don't like to talk because of the way I fear I come across. In real life outside of the online world, I hem and haw and stammer and so forth, no matter who I'm conversing with. It can be a friend, it can be a professional, or it can be an acquaintance (although I do a tad better with a stranger than with people I know, probably because they don't know me yet so I don't feel intimidated by them as I do with people I know or with people in authority).
Just wanted to come in and say welcome and that you are not alone in the shyness and communication struggle.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 6, 2016 13:21:43 GMT -5
Knowing that people have been worse off, instead of better off, as a result of our paths intersecting. Knowing that ultimately I have no future.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 6, 2016 12:31:07 GMT -5
Well, I don't know how many more entries I will make. They say that things you say to yourself about yourself are "self fulfilling prophecies". I'd written a lot of songs when I was 15 and 16 about being lonely; and now they've come true in the 21st century. I'm at the point I'm apprehensive to write anymore along this line (songs about being alone, etc.)
Last night I played some on the guitar, some covers, a few of my own songs, such as they are. I even did a stripped down (acoustic version) of Overpowered. Sounded (to me at least) pretty good at the time (almost felt as if I were in concert: sorry I know I sound like Zaphod Beeblebrox lol (((egotistical))).
But I am in a depression also. Perhaps I am bipolar (albeit perhaps the hypomania type)
Ongoing feelings of loneliness persist. If the loneliness were gone, I think the depression would not exist (perhaps not).
I've met very few people in my long life. Extremely very few of all I've met I have had some kind of relationship (i.e. friendship or other) with. Most of these people have ended up hating me. I'm at the point I'm afraid to meet and have any sort of relationship, even a friendship, with anyone for fear that the same outcome may/will happen. The only person I hang around with now is my best friend Marion. I have no satisfying peer friendships. My friend Brent is the only one that is (so far) not negative toward me. The ongoing loneliness-depression is a vicious circle/cycle causing me to neglect some of my peer friends (female). Brent doesn't mind if we don't touch base for weeks or months because he's even more introverted than I am and prefers solitude when he's not working. One friend was upset with me about two years ago because I had (not on purpose, but because of my deep depression) neglected getting together with her. I fear the same thing has happened again. I telephoned her a few weeks ago at a time when I knew she would be at work. The reason being she has diabetes and is very tired when she gets home from work. My reasoning was (she has call display or caller ID) that, if she saw my number on her phone, she could telephone me at a time in the evening which was convenient for her. I meant well, I really did, but I think I may have unknowingly at the time offended her. I've been wanting to telephone her again, THIS time at a time when I know her to be at home (not at work); but I can't get myself to do it. I thought of emailing her, and trying to explain, but I can't get myself to do that. Her mother lives in the same building that I said I just moved into a couple of months ago. I had made some sweets a few weeks ago, and rang her doorbell. There was no answer, so I left the wrapped up sweets (fudge) in a plastic bag and hung it on her outside apartment door, with a note saying they were from me and what apartment I was in. There was no reply back nor phone call. I take that to mean that either I've upset one or the other or both of them, though I had no desire to offend either of them.
Throughout the years, the few guys that I had "gone out with", have eventually also ended up hating me. One in particular lives in Fredericton; and though we ended our "going together" in friendship, the last couple of years he no longer speaks to me, and if he sees me around the city, snubs me. I have no idea why because I've not been rude nor said anything mean to him or about him. I'm not promiscuous. I keep to myself. So I don't know why he's treating me this way. He is on his second marriage now and he has a child from his first marriage. I've not interfered with him in any way.
If this is all there is going to be to my life for the rest of my life, then I'd be better off dead. I hate where I have moved. It is a senior's apartment building; but there is an undercurrent of hostility toward the younger seniors (such as myself who are not old enough yet to get the old age pension). I avoid almost everyone since figuring this out. My friend Brent warned me about this place, about the downstairs "lounge" being a gossip centre which is why he will not apply to move into this building (his dad lived here until he died). The apartment which is on the 7th floor is very hot. I still need to purchase an air conditioner as the existing one (here when I moved in) was not working. The previous tenant who lived here for at least 4 years probably had to use it a lot so I'm sure that's why it longer functions. It's no problem BUYING another air conditioner; maintenance said I need to get one that's the same measurement as the one which no longer works. It is quite big as the windows, designed for a wheelchair accessible apartment, are quite big. This was the only apartment available to me, so I had to take it or refuse it. I've searched online and locally for an air conditioner with the right dimensions, without success. I may have to buy one with smaller dimensions, inform maintenance, and hope that whatever company they get to install it won't charge me "an arm and a leg" to do the work.
But back to my life as it is emotionally.
The loneliness is unbearable. I've taken up knitting to try to get my mind off it. But it still persists. Knitting helps, for awhile; but I can't keep knitting all the time. I have other things that must be done; housework, cooking, bathing, etc. and the loneliness persists from the time I awake til I go to sleep (and I sleep very little as the sun beats in upon sunrise and if I'm not awake before then, I awake soon after).
I know I probably need to make some kind of amends to the female friend I mentioned earlier, whose mum lives in this building. It's exhausting trying to come up with the right words to say that she will be satisfied with and forgive me. Part of me is angry that the onus is on ME to make amends when I never really was that important to this person in the first place. I am not her stated "best friend" and she told me in the past that she does not believe in the concept of "best friends". Actually, emotionally I've somewhat "pulled away" from her because I am deeply disappointed in our fractured "friendship". But of course, I can't tell her this. Even at best, she wants the control, the high end of any relationship with me. And I am the lowest, if I am at all, in her life. Even her cats are more important than myself. Sorry about how this sounds, but this thread is the Excuse This thread. It infuriates me how people put their animals above human relationships. It infuriates me that they care so much about stray animals, but care very little for stray humans i.e. the homeless. And yes of course I know why. Nothing more on this needs to be said by me.
I wish I had not been born. I have nothing positive to offer anyone. Most people, upon getting to know me, at best placate me and patronize me (which I abhor) or ignore me (middle ground), or they expect too much of me without being willing to do the same thing - or if I tell them something about a problem I'm having about a relationship with other people or a person (unnamed, in confidence), and they'll act all sympathetic saying, "Oh that person shouldn't be that way!" But if the confidante behaves in the same manner, and if I point it out to them, they justify their actions (or inactions) saying essentially it is their right, and then put me in the wrong. Hypocrites! Bloody hypocrisy! That is one main reason I've given up religion. I can't live up to it. The price is too high. And there is no "opium" in return for my "efforts", so there it is.
I would have to do something drastic to get the very few people I've had relationships (friendships, I mean, not S. O. relationships, mind you) with to like me again. It would take something really big. It probably would have to be a case of if their life was in danger, and I saved it. Sorry again for how this sounds. I just mean that friendship-wise (not religious wise! mind you) it feels like I have to atone for the bad friendship. But I am just not sure it is worth the effort. If this person (the lady I mentioned) is going to continually hold this over my head about my depression causing me to neglect (not on purpose is my neglect) the friendship; which friendship is not really that close - I don't think it is anyway. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere. I just want it all to stop. I've begged God (again, no I'm not religious anymore, I don't go to church; I just say this out of exasperation, stress, desperation, etc.) to just take my life because I've failed. I've failed religiously, I've failed occupationally, I've failed in friendships. I wish I had never been born. Yes I know I already said this earlier. There have been times I almost died (when I was a baby: erythroblastosis fetalis); when I was 11 (almost drowned, a neighbour - a father of one of my school mates - saved my life. Plus a few preschool times (ages 3-5) I could have died also, but obviously I hadn't.
I guess the only thing people could possibly learn FROM ME is how NOT to live. "Look upon a failed life, and do not emulate it." - THAT should be on my headstone - IF I get a headstone. Chances are I won't even have a burial but will have to be cremated - pls excuse the morbidity; again this is the "excuse this" thread (((wry laugh at myself))).
There is no other purpose for my life. And that's such a negative purpose. Not worthy of even talking about.
I wish instead I could have been a success that people could see and perhaps read about and admire. That would have been worthy to discuss.
In all my trying, I have failed miserably.
Some day it will for me all be over. It is the waiting and suffering and knowing that is difficult to bear.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 6, 2016 11:42:41 GMT -5
Good on you, Puppet for going through with participating playing the djembe:).
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 6, 2016 11:06:51 GMT -5
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 6, 2016 10:26:54 GMT -5
Suicide Squad - I've read a couple of volumes so far, seems pretty cool, though also very dark. The title sounds dark. Hmmm, maybe I'll check them out.
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