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Post by Bodhi on Jan 30, 2008 8:11:53 GMT -5
But, when it comes to real life with a girl I'm not completely comfortable with, I freeze up. Its not so much I don't know what to do, its I get this intense anxiety when the situation comes up and end up not really saying anything. Have you ever tried affirmations? Before you go to parties, try repeating something to yourself like, "I will not get nervous when I flirt with girls." Do that for five minutes. Does that actually work?
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konnor
Junior Member
Posts: 90
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Post by konnor on Jan 30, 2008 12:39:21 GMT -5
I am no longer convinced that you can really love another person if you don't love yourself. So I'll work on myself first on becoming a better person. Besides, the whole idea of happiness being somewhere outside myself (e.g. another person is the source of my happines) seems wrong and destructive. But not in the beginning [of a reletionship] of course. A partner is a bonus, a convinience, not a must for happiness. If I have one that's cool, if not that's cool too. Right on the money. I would explore the online dating possibilities if your more comfortable with it. Good luck!
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Post by Richard Cunningham on Jan 30, 2008 13:20:00 GMT -5
Have you ever tried affirmations? Before you go to parties, try repeating something to yourself like, "I will not get nervous when I flirt with girls." Do that for five minutes. Does that actually work? No.
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Post by lennythegiant on Jan 30, 2008 15:20:05 GMT -5
Why not try the online personals? Because reading some of those can be pretty dream shattering. Most of the ones I read they say they want someone who has a job... (okay I'm trying to fix that) ...has a car and can get themselves places... (okay I'm getting there, just gotta learn to tackle the freeway so I'm not limited to my town and the two or three adjacent ones) ...and isn't living with mom and dad. Damn. That could be a hell of a long time, since I live in an area where living expenses are insane.
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 30, 2008 18:18:22 GMT -5
Why not try the online personals? Because reading some of those can be pretty dream shattering. Most of the ones I read they say they want someone who has a job... (okay I'm trying to fix that) ...has a car and can get themselves places... (okay I'm getting there, just gotta learn to tackle the freeway so I'm not limited to my town and the two or three adjacent ones) ...and isn't living with mom and dad. Damn. That could be a hell of a long time, since I live in an area where living expenses are insane. Are you saying that basically you aren't ready to date? Not every ad says those things. Pick one that don't say that. Problem solved. You know that women say that is because we expect you to be an adult. If you can't fend for yourself, then how will you fend for a woman and potential children?
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Post by airburst on Jan 30, 2008 18:56:10 GMT -5
Have you ever tried affirmations? Before you go to parties, try repeating something to yourself like, "I will not get nervous when I flirt with girls." Do that for five minutes. Does that actually work? It did for me, somewhat. It didn't get rid of my nervousness completely, but it did make it a lot easier to cope with.
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Post by lennythegiant on Jan 30, 2008 21:19:46 GMT -5
Because reading some of those can be pretty dream shattering. Most of the ones I read they say they want someone who has a job... (okay I'm trying to fix that) ...has a car and can get themselves places... (okay I'm getting there, just gotta learn to tackle the freeway so I'm not limited to my town and the two or three adjacent ones) ...and isn't living with mom and dad. Damn. That could be a hell of a long time, since I live in an area where living expenses are insane. Are you saying that basically you aren't ready to date? Not every ad says those things. Pick one that don't say that. Problem solved. You know that women say that is because we expect you to be an adult. If you can't fend for yourself, then how will you fend for a woman and potential children? -Possibly. -Maybe, but I mainly stick to the listings with pictures, and typically those ones seem to be pickiest (some of them look like they could afford to be). Not that I'm shallow, it just makes the listings more interesting and I'm not at a point where I am looking at the listings with any seriousness anyway. -I'm not looking to have people depend on me anytime soon. I'm years away from being serious about a family or anything like that. I'm just wondering how the other guys my age are able to get girls, when some of them probably aren't doing so hot financially either. Although maybe some of them saved money and have more than three months of work experience. Yeah, I'm not ready, but at the same time I have people saying I could start whenever I wanted to. I don't know who is right.
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Post by carboncopy on Jan 31, 2008 1:14:23 GMT -5
I've read the 'how can I meet a woman' post and was very dissapointed that is just became a pointless argument with no real advice. So I'm starting a thread where people can give actual advice on getting a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I'm interested in what people's advice is on taking the relationship to the girlfriend/boyfriend level. There are lots of advice on how to find people, but I want to know what to do once I do find someone. How to intiate things on a more serious level. Like say there is a girl at work or in a class that you have a crush on, how do you approach her, talk to her, ask her out, etc... How do you come across in a way that she will see you as a potential partner, not just some guy. I know there are guys that are good at that, I'm not one of them, so I need advice. I know I can be a good boyfriend once I get into a relationship, but I just can't seem to figure out the skills or ways to get into one. Please post if anyone has advice. And PLEASE don't argue with each other! It's a difficult topic and the answers are not easy to digest. Any guy who is reading this has one major disadvantage already - he is shy enough to realize that he has a problem. What this implies is that his (your?) social life is below average in scope to the point where he needed to seek advice or external remedy. Unfortunately that's an indication of a major deterent in relationships. The old adage of "rich get richer" applies here as well. A person who doesn't have a large or at least moderate network of friends/aquaintances will have a tough tough time to break out of the cycle. Women don't want to talk to loners or guys who hang out in male-only crowds. They make a swift and somewhat valid analysis that if someone wasn't able to gain acceptance of a sizable group of people then he is not worth bothering with. There are exceptions here for guys who have something going for them such as imposing physical build, piles of cash or celebrity status of some sort. Those guys can successfully play a "lone wolf" angle and attract rather than repel women with their solitude. I really can't emphasize enough how important it is for a man to be tall. Next time you walk out on the street or stand in line at a grocery store take a look at which men have wedding rings on their fingers. I really didn't want to, but had to accept some very depressing conclusions based on those observations. The biggest problem here is obviously that one cannot do anything to change it. An analogy could be drawn here that roughly the same level of difficulty occurs in finding relationships for short men as it does for obese women. Both struggle mightily although of course obesity can usually be remedied. If you see a girl that you like, then like some others have said, you have to act quickly. Realize ahead of time that watching her from afar even for years on end will not diminish the anxiety of initial contact. I am sure you have gone through that as well - romanticized a girl for months, or even years, only to let her vanish from your life without you ever taking a chance. That will never work. There won't be any miracle that will bring you together. You won't accidentaly eat the same piece of spaghetti - ever. When you do go on a hot date, the problem is obvious. You are a shy person so this is basically the chance of a lifetime. You realize that you may not have an opportunity this good for the next few years - maybe never. It's like an athlete going for gold in his one and only shot at olympic glory... and they expect you to be cool and relaxed... what a larf!! Don't be needy - they say!!
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kmfdm
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by kmfdm on Feb 14, 2008 11:47:21 GMT -5
I need to actually have a girl as a friend before I can even think about dating. Never really had a female acquantice in my whole life.
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Post by annaa on Feb 14, 2008 17:02:13 GMT -5
^ I'll be your friend.
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Post by lennythegiant on Feb 14, 2008 19:19:44 GMT -5
I think having a crush on someone at work and school and mulling over what to say to them for months before doing anything is the worst way to meet someone. Why not try the online personals? All the online personals I've read have people that are really picky. Okay, I can understand feeling iffy about someone who doesn't have a job, but sometimes they really go into how good looking a person they want. I already answered this didn't I? I didn't realize that I had read this thread already. I agree with the work one, although that may be because I believe in focusing on one's work when you are in the workplace. Maybe it's a little different with office jobs, and I don't want to sound like I'm unfriendly with coworkers, but when I'm working I'm usually in kind of a zone where I just want to focus on what I have to do.
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Post by annaa on Feb 14, 2008 19:28:36 GMT -5
Online personals, as lenny said, tend to have very picky people on there / people with unrealistc ideas. I saw a guy that I almost messaged, until I saw he wrote his ideal mate was to weigh 90 - 130 pounds. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry. ....An analogy could be drawn here that roughly the same level of difficulty occurs in finding relationships for short men as it does for obese women. Both struggle mightily although of course obesity can usually be remedied.... I agree with that principle - however I think there are much more complex issues with big girls than there are short guys.
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Post by lennythegiant on Feb 14, 2008 19:41:33 GMT -5
Online personals, as lenny said, tend to have very picky people on there / people with unrealistc ideas. I saw a guy that I almost messaged, until I saw he wrote his ideal mate was to weigh 90 - 130 pounds. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry. ....An analogy could be drawn here that roughly the same level of difficulty occurs in finding relationships for short men as it does for obese women. Both struggle mightily although of course obesity can usually be remedied.... I agree with that principle - however I think there are much more complex issues with big girls than there are short guys. I guess cry for the poor girl that hooks up with that guy if he puts on pressure about that ideal. I see a lot of "must be this tall" in personals. I guess that's at least one thing that won't be a problem for me. One thing that isn't a problem, so many other things that are.
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Post by MrNice on Feb 15, 2008 9:30:46 GMT -5
the issue is really simple - extra weight is not attractive
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Post by Sweet Pea on Feb 15, 2008 9:58:15 GMT -5
the issue is really simple - extra weight is not attractive to some people it is, to some people it isn't. the point is that people come in all shapes and sizes, and they shouldn't wait until they magically transform themselves to a different body type before they begin to live their lives. i recommend reaching out to people who find you attractive as you are, and ignoring those who don't. there's nothing wrong with trying to make yourself as attractive as possible, but too often 'unattractiveness' is just an excuse for hiding at home alone. throughout their lives, everybody is unattractive to large numbers of people for some reason or other - age, maturity level, income, education, "baggage" like kids, debt, handicap or disease, location, availability, etc. with the internet as a tool available to most of us, it has never been easier to find people who find us uniquely attractive. you just have to put yourself out there and be honest about who you are.
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