Tips on starting a relationship

[Bodhi]

I've read the 'how can I meet a woman' post and was very dissapointed that is just became a pointless argument with no real advice. So I'm starting a thread where people can give actual advice on getting a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I'm interested in what people's advice is on taking the relationship to the girlfriend/boyfriend level. There are lots of advice on how to find people, but I want to know what to do once I do find someone. How to intiate things on a more serious level. Like say there is a girl at work or in a class that you have a crush on, how do you approach her, talk to her, ask her out, etc... How do you come across in a way that she will see you as a potential partner, not just some guy. I know there are guys that are good at that, I'm not one of them, so I need advice.

I know I can be a good boyfriend once I get into a relationship, but I just can't seem to figure out the skills or ways to get into one. Please post if anyone has advice. And PLEASE don't argue with each other!

[annaa]

The 'how can I meet a woman' thread wasn't much of a success as we 'shybees' aren't people that are really worth asking. A lot of us on this board have very little/no experience with relationships, so it's quite unrealistic to expect some good advice from us.

I disagree with what you said about advice on finding people. I can't see that there's any advice on how to find someone at all, which is another reason why not many on SU can give advice on taking it to the next level - a lot of us have never had that chance.

To be honest I think that taking it to the next level is something only you can work out for yourself by trying. People could give you pages of advice in this thread, but honestly, when you're very anxious and about to approach someone, I doubt you'll remember any of it. You need to persevere - and not necessarily with the same girl. If somebody doesn't like you the way you like them, move on.

Which leads to my final point... you need to make sure (before trying to make any sort of relationship) you're in a place in your own mind where you are secure and happy. You need to be prepared for rejection and hurt, and if you're already "fragile" then it's just not wise to go after someone.

[pnoopiepnats]

I think having a crush on someone at work and school and mulling over what to say to them for months before doing anything is the worst way to meet someone.

Why not try the online personals?

[airburst]

Here's my advice, for what it's worth.

Introduce yourself, and maybe follow this with something like, "How long have you been working here? How many classes are you taking? What's your major? et al."
Once you introduce each other, just talk to her like she's a friend. Find things you have in common.
Flirt with her. See how she responds to it. If she seems to like it and flirts back, ask her out. IMO, flirting is how you take the relationship beyond "just friends."
And try and be funny. Funny is always a plus.

[MrNice]

There are lots of advice on how to find people, but I want to know what to do once I do find someone. How to intiate things on a more serious level. Like say there is a girl at work or in a class that you have a crush on, how do you approach her, talk to her, ask her out, etc...

you can not go from being some guy to a serious relationship in one step
what you are trying to do is figure out step 10 when the trouble starts at step 1
approach a girl BEFORE you have a crush on her
she will see you as some guy at first - its ok - and as you approach her talk to her and spend time with her things will change

things go from less serious->more serious
you can't just circumvent everything and jump right to the end.

* things are different if some girl has a crush on you
then you can pretty much just sweep her off her feet
unfortunately you probably don't like her

[annaa]

airburst said:

...Flirt with her. See how she responds to it. If she seems to like it and flirts back, ask her out. IMO, flirting is how you take the relationship beyond "just friends."...

Don't think i'm doubting you, 'cause i'm not.
I was just going to ask, how do you flirt with girls? Some shy guys (and girls ) find it difficult to know 'how to flirt', so it would be good to get some advice from someone who knows our situation.

lsdima said:

...you have to be LESS serious in the beginning
its impossible to flirt when you are thinking that your life will suck if you don't get this girl...

I think he's right.

[Naptaq]

I am no longer convinced that you can really love another person if you don't love yourself. So I'll work on myself first on becoming a better person. Besides, the whole idea of happiness being somewhere outside myself (e.g. another person is the source of my happines) seems wrong and destructive. But not in the beginning [of a reletionship] of course. A partner is a bonus, a convinience, not a must for happiness.

If I have one that's cool, if not that's cool too.

[Bodhi]

annaa said:

airburst said:

...Flirt with her. See how she responds to it. If she seems to like it and flirts back, ask her out. IMO, flirting is how you take the relationship beyond "just friends."...

Don't think i'm doubting you, 'cause i'm not.
I was just going to ask, how do you flirt with girls? Some shy guys (and girls ) find it difficult to know 'how to flirt', so it would be good to get some advice from someone who knows our situation.

Yes, flirting is what alot of us shy people are bad at. Any advice on flirting would be helpful.

And in response to lsdima, I don't want to skip to step 10, I want to know ALL the steps to get to that point.

[MrNice]

I take it you are unsatisfied with all the flirting advice the internet has to offer?

here is the first result from google
www.wikihow.com/Flirt

with the exception of a couple of things its pretty good

pay particular attention to step 1

# Lower your expectations. Flirting is fun, but only if you don't take it too seriously. Most of the time, you'll just flirt with someone for a short time and then maybe never talk to them again. If you always go in to flirting expecting to date, sleep with, or even marry the person you're flirting with, you're going to be very disappointed--and you'll probably seem a little desperate. Remember, you're just flirting.

[pnoopiepnats]

I would say most of the advice is true in the wiki article.

People flirt all the time and mostly it means nothing.

If you save up flirting for the girl you have been swooning over for 6 months as you know if she just would notice you are alive, she would be your soulmate, then you are going about it the wrong way.

Flirting means you have to get your head out of your ass and pay attention to someone other than yourself for a minute or 2. ;D

You have to practice it. Flirt with the cashier or whoever.

I see people sort of flirting on here all the time. They always respond to certain people's posts and sometimes make slightly suggestive comments.

Guys flirt with me all the time. It means nothing.

I think the real problem is you are so wrapped up in your own thoughts, you fail to interact with people at all.

[phoenixferret]

There's some very useful advice on this thread.

airburst said:

Here's my advice, for what it's worth.

Introduce yourself, and maybe follow this with something like, "How long have you been working here? How many classes are you taking? What's your major? et al."
Once you introduce each other, just talk to her like she's a friend. Find things you have in common.
Flirt with her. See how she responds to it. If she seems to like it and flirts back, ask her out. IMO, flirting is how you take the relationship beyond "just friends."
And try and be funny. Funny is always a plus.

A good summary, I think. Flirting often comes right out of ordinary conversation, and when you're attracted to another person, you sort of naturally want to do what might be considered flirtatious things, like holding their eye contact, smiling, trying to make the other person smile, maybe talking and joking more about you and them than about some other specific topic; even touching them. And as others have said, usually flirting doesn't mean anything, really; partly because the line between "I'd love to see this person naked" and "golly gee, talking to this person is fun" can be so fuzzy, lol. But the ambiguity can be part of the fun.

If you and the person (of the sex you're attracted to) are talking and clearly having a really good time at it, you've as good as flirted, really. If suggestive comments have come into the mix and you're interested, you can ask them out, flirt with them more on your date, and repeat until you date one single partner long enough that you can start to call it a relationship. Even dating itself a lot of times doesn't "mean" much, and you just have to keep on trying till someone you like sticks around. Don't wallow in despair and tell yourself you'll never get anyone just because a few dates didn't go anywhere or you got turned down a few times. You really have to keep practicing, and keep trying.

[airburst]

bodhi395 said:

annaa said:

Don't think i'm doubting you, 'cause i'm not.
I was just going to ask, how do you flirt with girls? Some shy guys (and girls ) find it difficult to know 'how to flirt', so it would be good to get some advice from someone who knows our situation.

Yes, flirting is what alot of us shy people are bad at. Any advice on flirting would be helpful.

My idea of flirting is playfully teasing and joking with her. That's all I really do and it seems to work pretty well.

Edit to add: I might post some examples later, but right now I have to go to work.

[airburst]

phoenixferret said:

Even dating itself a lot of times doesn't "mean" much, and you just have to keep on trying till someone you like sticks around. Don't wallow in despair and tell yourself you'll never get anyone just because a few dates didn't go anywhere or you got turned down a few times. You really have to keep practicing, and keep trying.

This is a very good post. I think whether or not you and a potential partner will stay together really depends on how well your personalities "click" and finding someone that you click with can take a very long time.

[Bodhi]

lsdima said:

I take it you are unsatisfied with all the flirting advice the internet has to offer?

here is the first result from google
www.wikihow.com/Flirt

with the exception of a couple of things its pretty good

pay particular attention to step 1

# Lower your expectations. Flirting is fun, but only if you don't take it too seriously. Most of the time, you'll just flirt with someone for a short time and then maybe never talk to them again. If you always go in to flirting expecting to date, sleep with, or even marry the person you're flirting with, you're going to be very disappointed--and you'll probably seem a little desperate. Remember, you're just flirting.

That was good advice. I can usually flirt if I'm very comfortable with a girl, and can do it much easier online. But, when it comes to real life with a girl I'm not completely comfortable with, I freeze up. Its not so much I don't know what to do, its I get this intense anxiety when the situation comes up and end up not really saying anything. I went to a party over the weekend and there were a number of girls I had the opportunity to flirt with, but I didn't. At one point I was standing next to a girl and didn't say anything to her because i just felt too anxious. I guess in addition to knowing what to do, I need to find a way to get over my anxiety and actually do it.

BTW, I thought this piece of advice on that website was funny, "Funerals, for example, are generally not good places to flirt. "

[airburst]

bodhi395 said:

But, when it comes to real life with a girl I'm not completely comfortable with, I freeze up. Its not so much I don't know what to do, its I get this intense anxiety when the situation comes up and end up not really saying anything.

Have you ever tried affirmations? Before you go to parties, try repeating something to yourself like, "I will not get nervous when I flirt with girls." Do that for five minutes.