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Post by sushiboat on Jan 26, 2006 13:50:44 GMT -5
Earlier you were worrying about talking to two girls at the same time. Now you can see why there is nothing wrong with that. You never know how things will turn out. If you can, you should start with a large number of prospects. Along the way, a lot of them will be eliminated, either by their choice or by yours. When you have more than one prospect, you are less likely to invest an inappropriate amount of emotion in any one of them.
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Post by Bodhi on Jan 26, 2006 15:38:20 GMT -5
Though I understand your aversion to phones, I would of at least talked to her once on the phone before meeting her, if at least to confirm everything and get a better sense of who I was dealing with. You can tell alot more about a person by their tone of voice, etc. then you can by just words on a screen. So if there was something not right, you may of been able to pick that up by talking to her on the phone. True, but if I would of came on here and told you I wasn't going to meet her because she didn't seem quite right over the phone, you would have told me I'm making excuses and being avoident. you wait too long to act the longer you wait the more depressing it is afterwards I don't think I waited too long. It was one day short of a month yesterday since we started talking. I even about two weeks into talking hinted at coming to gauge her reaction. I think I did a pretty good job of waiting the right amount of time. I mean if the first week we started talking I ask to meet she might be a bit freaked out, considering we don't live in the same town and it is a hassle to get to NYC. I think for where we live I didn't act too late. Yet the other girl I'm talking to lives in my same town so I think I will act much sooner, although now I'm wallowing in self-pity and have little confidence to plan another date with anyone. I need to get over this, I know, but its hard when for the first time in years you are set to go on a date and then get stood up.
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Post by MrNice on Jan 26, 2006 17:52:43 GMT -5
well, you asked what you did wrong, and I am absolutely positively sure that you have waited about a month too long
now is the perfect time to act, while you are wallowing in self pity, you have the wonderful advantage of having nothing to lose and having no expectations
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 26, 2006 18:18:45 GMT -5
Don't beat yourself up too badly. I think you did your best. She just happened to be a flake. Girls at 19 are notoriously fickle and flaky. Don't put too much emotion into chat friends. Girls are notoriously flaky with online stuff.
Here are some tips for the future.
Exchange phone numbers fairly early and talk to them a few times on the phone before meeting.
Exchange photos early. Get a web cam and use it with good lighting. It would be good if the girl had one too. That way you will both know what each other looks like.
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Post by Bodhi on Jan 26, 2006 19:40:43 GMT -5
well, you asked what you did wrong, and I am absolutely positively sure that you have waited about a month too long What? So the first time I chat with a girl online I should ask to meet her? Even if she lives 2 hours away?
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Post by pansy on Jan 26, 2006 22:21:47 GMT -5
well, you asked what you did wrong, and I am absolutely positively sure that you have waited about a month too long What? So the first time I chat with a girl online I should ask to meet her? Even if she lives 2 hours away? i don't think you did anything wrong really. the only part that i'd like to see change is the part where you feel bad about yourself for trying just because it wasn't wildly successful right off the bat. i'd like to see you give yourself a break.
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Post by zaab on Jan 26, 2006 22:44:21 GMT -5
I agree with Pnats and Pansy that there is nothing to be ashamed of here. I just noted the phone thing because it is a better way to get a feel for another person than online, but its by no means perfect and I say that from experience. Regardless, I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think you could have predicted what happened.
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Post by Bodhi on Jan 26, 2006 23:06:51 GMT -5
Well I talked to her again tonight, and this time asked her more about what happened, specifically why she didn't just wait for me in the Starbucks. She then said she was nervous and not thinking logically and left because she thought she would see me walking from the train station. I'm thinking she is very shy and meeting me got her very nervous and she just didn't like sitting there in the shop waiting and thought it would be less nervewracking if she went outside and waited. And she thought she'd see me outside so it wasn't like she just left. I think just sitting there got to her. She is shy and has very little dating experience, thus I can see her getting nervous meeting me. I'm really hoping this is the reason and not that she was being flaky and just didn't really care.
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Post by pansy on Jan 26, 2006 23:10:56 GMT -5
Well I talked to her again tonight, and this time asked her more about what happened, specifically why she didn't just wait for me in the Starbucks. She then said she was nervous and not thinking logically and left because she thought she would see me walking from the train station. I'm thinking she is very shy and meeting me got her very nervous and she just didn't like sitting there in the shop waiting and thought it would be less nervewracking if she went outside and waited. And she thought she'd see me outside so it wasn't like she just left. I think just sitting there got to her. She is shy and has very little dating experience, thus I can see her getting nervous meeting me. I'm really hoping this is the reason and not that she was being flaky and just didn't really care. well, no one can tell you how to feel or what to do, but i can share my own philosophy on stuff like this. i feel that since i'm shy and have a history of doing weird things as a result of my shyness, it's only fair that i be patient with other shy people. so i personally would give her the benefit of the doubt, and give her another chance to meet. but it's your call.
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Post by sushiboat on Jan 26, 2006 23:33:27 GMT -5
well, no one can tell you how to feel or what to do, but i can share my own philosophy on stuff like this. i feel that since i'm shy and have a history of doing weird things as a result of my shyness, it's only fair that i be patient with other shy people. so i personally would give her the benefit of the doubt, and give her another chance to meet. but it's your call. Sure ... if she makes the effort by coming to his door. If she flakes out again, he wouldn't lose any time. Edit: On second thought, I would make one concession. If she comes by bus or train, picking her up at the station when she calls would be OK.
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Post by pansy on Jan 26, 2006 23:49:10 GMT -5
well, i just think it wouldn't hurt us to search our hearts and minds when in doubt, and remember all the times that we as shy people have done things that may have hurt others. i mean, haven't we all done that? being shy is tough. really tough. and for that reason, i will always give a shy person another chance. the important thing to me, is that someone be straight with me. if that makes me a sap, oh well. don't care.
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Post by Bodhi on Jan 26, 2006 23:59:32 GMT -5
well, i just think it wouldn't hurt us to search our hearts and minds when in doubt, and remember all the times that we as shy people have done things that may have hurt others. i mean, haven't we all done that? being shy is tough. really tough. and for that reason, i will always give a shy person another chance. the important thing to me, is that someone be straight with me. if that makes me a sap, oh well. don't care. I agree Pansy, I mean I've acted very strange with girls I like, they must have thought I hated them when I had a huge crush on them. And if I try to meet again I will make it foolproof: exact place, exact time, and cell phone numbers. That way there will be no excuses or doubt. She will either show up or not, and if she doesn't I know for sure she doesn't like me.
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Post by zaab on Jan 27, 2006 0:27:45 GMT -5
Yup, I'm a sap too. I'd give her another chance making sure I took a few more precautions as you mentioned. Those dreaded shy nerves can make people do strange things. I can vouch for that.
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Post by pansy on Jan 27, 2006 0:43:20 GMT -5
well, i just think it wouldn't hurt us to search our hearts and minds when in doubt, and remember all the times that we as shy people have done things that may have hurt others. i mean, haven't we all done that? being shy is tough. really tough. and for that reason, i will always give a shy person another chance. the important thing to me, is that someone be straight with me. if that makes me a sap, oh well. don't care. I agree Pansy, I mean I've acted very strange with girls I like, they must have thought I hated them when I had a huge crush on them. And if I try to meet again I will make it foolproof: exact place, exact time, and cell phone numbers. That way there will be no excuses or doubt. She will either show up or not, and if she doesn't I know for sure she doesn't like me. yeah, i hear ya. there's this one guy i've had a monster crush on for a very long time, and there's been times i've literally run away from him. i've done all kinds of weird things to that poor guy. things like staring blankly when he winked at me instead of smiling back. and i regret every single one of them. sigh... it's heartbreaking really. so needless to say, i would forgive him for just about any 'shy mistake' he could ever possibly make. i mean, if shy people can't be patient with each other, why should we expect anyone to be patient with us? ps - and no, if she's shy you still won't know for sure she doesn't like you...lol. but at least you'll be clear on the fact that she's probably going to consistently act that way.
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Post by sushiboat on Jan 27, 2006 7:10:41 GMT -5
I am not saying that a second chance is completely out of order. I am saying that it's her turn to make some effort. Bodhi made a round trip of 3 or 4 hours to see her. Is she willing to do the same for him?
Sometimes people travel across the country or across the world to meet each other. It is one thing if your shyness is hurting only yourself. But when other people make a commitment and are counting on you, you had better do your part. If you won't, you aren't ready for dating or holding a job or much of anything.
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