Comfortable in my Loneliness

[Bodhi]

I realized today I think I've become used to being lonely and single. I feel less anxious and nervous and more comfortable when I don't have anywhere to go or dates to go on or anything to do. Its when I want to ask a girl out or go on a date that I get intense anxiety and nervousness and can't think about anything else and just have an unsettled feeling. Yet when I have no prospects about doing anything social I feel to some degree good. I can actually concentrate on other things in my life and enjoy the little things like watching movies or writing that I'm too distracted to enjoy when I have things going on.

I'm scared I've become too used to being lonely and single and that I'll just continue along this road since breaking out of it is too difficult. I want with everything to have a girlfriend that I'm totally comfortable with, but getting there is too difficult and I think I'm just too comfortable being single and not going through that hell. I've tried it before and in every single case its ended up badly. Its a total contradiction though that I want it so much and yet feel more comfortable not going after what I want. Anyone else feel this way?

[Crashtastic]

Sure I do.....I'm socially anxious and all. Its easier to stay away from the situations that make us anxious, but it gets you no where really

[Bodhi]

crashandburn said:

Its easier to stay away from the situations that make us anxious, but it gets you no where really

Yeah, I fully agree, that's what is making me scared that I'm getting in this groove.

[pnoopiepnats]

Did you tell the girl you went out with a few times that you really liked her?

But yeah I do know what you mean. It is easier to stay in your comfort zone.

Relationships, shy or not are hard work anyway. I think everyone has fears and anxieties about them. When you are single you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself You don't have to think of or consider anyone but yourself.

In a relationship you have to try to do what is good for the other person as well as yourself. You have to think of them too and try to keep things going to show them you care. Your priorities change.

[theinfiniteabyss84]

bodhi395 said:

I realized today I think I've become used to being lonely and single.
Its a total contradiction though that I want it so much and yet feel more comfortable not going after what I want. Anyone else feel this way?

I know how you feel. I noticed lately I have been walking down the street or on the train or wherever thinking that this is how its going to be and I just better get used to it. That I should focus on photography and music and writing and film and stuff instead of having the "no boyfriend" thing hovering above my head all the time. At times I am quite comfortable, but other times it really hurts.
I do want it so much, but I am way to anxious and nervous to actually do anything about it.

~i.a.

[Paulinus]

I've felt like that for most of my life. It took the envy of seeing my brother with a girlfriend to make me worry about it and feel lonely and that was at the age of 22. I think I'm slipping back into the way I was before now. I'm not sure if thats good or bad really but at least before I didnt ever feel depressed even if it was a comfort zone.

The more I think about it the more I think the whole idea of getting into and maintaining relationships is too complex for me to deal with. I'm not sure the benefits of relationships would be worth the shear amount of effort it probably would take for me to get into one

[MrNice]

try commiting youself to doing something next time - not like 'I will see how it goes' but 'I am definitely doing it no matter what, even if I scare the girl off'

[mistercookie]

bodhi395 said:

Its when I want to ask a girl out or go on a date that I get intense anxiety and nervousness and can't think about anything else and just have an unsettled feeling. Anyone else feel this way?

Yep, exactly what happened last nite. There is this girl who works at the local DVD rental place that I go to. She's really cute and friendly, and we have bit of small talk everytime I see her there.

For a few months now, my inability to step up and ask her out has been driving me nuts. So I took the plunge yesterday. I rang up the shop number knowing that she would be there and asked her if she wanted to head out for a drink. She said she has a boyfriend

That's 0 from 2 for me in 26 years. A bit disappointed, but I would have been more disappointed if I did not ask. And I am more disappointed at the fact that I have only asked 2 girls out.

Just before I called, my stomach was churning, legs fidgetting. And I told myself - it's 9.30 now, I will pick up the phone and dial this number when the clock hits 9.45 no matter what. I ended up doing it at 9.50pm.

Though disappointed, i was relieved. I guess I just have to do this more regularly. The more I do the more I should become comfortable with it and become better at it, even the rejection part, just like how some of yous are comfortable with being alone for so long now.

I dont want to settle for what I have now. I want more. The only way I can get more is to step away from what is comfortable and take the plunge.

I guess the more effort you put in toward something, the more you will value it when you actually get it.

Now I am thinking whether I should make myself ask at least 1 girl out every month and also about expanding my social activities like joining a canoeing club or going dancing (not clubbing).

[griffins]

bodhi395 said:

I realized today I think I've become used to being lonely and single. I feel less anxious and nervous and more comfortable when I don't have anywhere to go or dates to go on or anything to do. Its when I want to ask a girl out or go on a date that I get intense anxiety and nervousness and can't think about anything else and just have an unsettled feeling. Yet when I have no prospects about doing anything social I feel to some degree good. I can actually concentrate on other things in my life and enjoy the little things like watching movies or writing that I'm too distracted to enjoy when I have things going on.

I'm scared I've become too used to being lonely and single and that I'll just continue along this road since breaking out of it is too difficult. I want with everything to have a girlfriend that I'm totally comfortable with, but getting there is too difficult and I think I'm just too comfortable being single and not going through that hell. I've tried it before and in every single case its ended up badly. Its a total contradiction though that I want it so much and yet feel more comfortable not going after what I want. Anyone else feel this way?

we seem very similar Bodhi...I feel the same way but I try not to get too comfortable. The feeling of being totally uncomfortable is good sometimes because it atleast means you're pushing yourself.

“Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they are afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it is much easier to procrastinate and live on the 'someday I'll' philosophy.” Denis Waitley
-Not sure how this applies but it just seemed to fit in my mind. Just substitute procrastination with whatever is holding us back.

Mr. Cookie: congrats...good for you for asking...at least you tried. Regret feels worse than rejection so at least you know.
It would have been better if you asked in person
- You: Hey when do you get out of work? We should go out for drinks.
-Her: Oh I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend
-You: okay, but he can't come =)

I don't know but that's how I imagine it

[pnoopiepnats]

MCookie, it is good that you asked. Just keep asking girls.

You know me and you have talked on the phone heaps of times and you are personable and interesting and able to carry a conversation; so yeah keep trying.

[mistercookie]

pnoopiepnats said:

you are personable and interesting and able to carry a conversation

Hah, wait till you see me in action when asking a girl out. I laugh at myself when I look back on the two occassions when I tried.

It's quite funny how I transform into a nervous wreck and do silly things like getting a speeding fine while on the way to meet the girl ;D

But thanks for the comments and will definitely do it again, soon

[I am Jack's wasted life]

bodhi395 said:

I realized today I think I've become used to being lonely and single. I feel less anxious and nervous and more comfortable when I don't have anywhere to go or dates to go on or anything to do. Its when I want to ask a girl out or go on a date that I get intense anxiety and nervousness and can't think about anything else and just have an unsettled feeling. Yet when I have no prospects about doing anything social I feel to some degree good. I can actually concentrate on other things in my life and enjoy the little things like watching movies or writing that I'm too distracted to enjoy when I have things going on.

I'm scared I've become too used to being lonely and single and that I'll just continue along this road since breaking out of it is too difficult. I want with everything to have a girlfriend that I'm totally comfortable with, but getting there is too difficult and I think I'm just too comfortable being single and not going through that hell. I've tried it before and in every single case its ended up badly. Its a total contradiction though that I want it so much and yet feel more comfortable not going after what I want. Anyone else feel this way?

Yeah i feel the same way.

[traveler]

yeah it is true to stay away. that is how i feel.

[saynothing]

bodhi395 said:

I realized today I think I've become used to being lonely and single. I feel less anxious and nervous and more comfortable when I don't have anywhere to go or dates to go on or anything to do. Its when I want to ask a girl out or go on a date that I get intense anxiety and nervousness and can't think about anything else and just have an unsettled feeling. Yet when I have no prospects about doing anything social I feel to some degree good. I can actually concentrate on other things in my life and enjoy the little things like watching movies or writing that I'm too distracted to enjoy when I have things going on.

I'm scared I've become too used to being lonely and single and that I'll just continue along this road since breaking out of it is too difficult. I want with everything to have a girlfriend that I'm totally comfortable with, but getting there is too difficult and I think I'm just too comfortable being single and not going through that hell. I've tried it before and in every single case its ended up badly. Its a total contradiction though that I want it so much and yet feel more comfortable not going after what I want. Anyone else feel this way?

I feel this way too. I could have written this myself. As much as I hate being alone, I have to force myself to take any little step to deal with the loneliness. I keep telling myself "Ill do something tomorrow" but 'tomorrow' never comes. Also, when I'm alone, I'm not open to being hurt by people and I don't like leaving this comfort zone.

[theinfiniteabyss84]

saynothing said:

bodhi395 said:

I realized today I think I've become used to being lonely and single. I feel less anxious and nervous and more comfortable when I don't have anywhere to go or dates to go on or anything to do. Its when I want to ask a girl out or go on a date that I get intense anxiety and nervousness and can't think about anything else and just have an unsettled feeling. Yet when I have no prospects about doing anything social I feel to some degree good. I can actually concentrate on other things in my life and enjoy the little things like watching movies or writing that I'm too distracted to enjoy when I have things going on.

I'm scared I've become too used to being lonely and single and that I'll just continue along this road since breaking out of it is too difficult. I want with everything to have a girlfriend that I'm totally comfortable with, but getting there is too difficult and I think I'm just too comfortable being single and not going through that hell. I've tried it before and in every single case its ended up badly. Its a total contradiction though that I want it so much and yet feel more comfortable not going after what I want. Anyone else feel this way?

I feel this way too. I could have written this myself. As much as I hate being alone, I have to force myself to take any little step to deal with the loneliness. I keep telling myself "Ill do something tomorrow" but 'tomorrow' never comes. Also, when I'm alone, I'm not open to being hurt by people and I don't like leaving this comfort zone.

"I'll do something tomorrow" is a popular one with me. I never end up doing anything.

I am afraid of being hurt and other people ultimately being disappointed. I know I must leave this comfort zone...I get nervous at the thought of it

~i.a.