Friend? - More than?

[reason]

Hi all, newbie here.

Been looking for a website like this for years. It's nice to know I'm not alone in all these problems.

So, there is a young lady who I've known a little over the past few months, who I have become much closer with in the past few weeks. We enjoy each others company when together and have been out once or twice.

The thing is, I still can't tell if it's just as friends or not? I've really fallen for her and would like to be more, but I simply can't read her at all. My shyness has always lead me to have a "comedy shell" in that I make fun and jokes of almost everything as it's my way of getting through. Not sure if because of that, I'm just that "funny friend" (which several other people have labeled me as, in a nice way and I don't mind that) or she could see me as something more.

I'm very seriously thinking of asking her. Strange as it may seem, I'm not worried about her rejecting me (though that would be a HUGE disappointment as she is amazing) but that things might then become awkward between us and the whole thing ends up going backwards. I hope that makes sense? At the very worst, I hope she says she likes me a lot but is not ready now, or is undecided but things at least stay as they are. for the time being. Then I still have time to try and work some magic! I have friends that had to ask their partner out 3 or more times before they said yes and they've remained together for many years!

It's better regret something you have done that something you haven't and she's very much worth it, so I think I have to do this. Any thoughts from anyone here as I know there is some very intelligent people here from the posts I've been reading over the past day or so I've been looking around so there is bound to be some useful advice. I'm betting someone has already been through something similar.

And yes, before anyone requests to know, she isn't shy like us and she does have more friends than me! Hopefully that will not be a factor.

[MrNice]

she isn't shy like us and she does have more friends than me

first of all this doesn't matter a single bit

as far as what to do, there is nothing to ask
since you two are already cool to hang out together, you just need to try and take it a step further while you are hanging out - like take her hand or go for a kiss. If she shares your feelings she will let you and if not, she will brush it off. And try to steer the conversation towards something romantic.

[Sweet Pea]

Dec 6, 2008 11:38:57 GMT -5 reason said:

I have friends that had to ask their partner out 3 or more times before they said yes and they've remained together for many years!

well, that's nice. unfortunately i once liked a shy man alot who i was very persistent with, and it didn't work out. i musta asked that guy out like seven times! i never got him to do anything. so i guess it doesn't always turn out the way you like. at some point you start to feel like you're being abusive, calling attention to his shyness, being pushy where it's not wanted, even demasculinating him. in your case, since you're the shy one, you're in a better position to be persistent. so what the heck, give it a try. some women do like to feel sure that a guy is really sincerely interested and not just playing games. good luck!

[rukryM]

I'd say you ask her and see what she says. Maybe all she really needs is more time to think, or maybe she's just waiting for you to ask her out? Hopefully you're not like me who considers a rejection a personal loss.

You haven't considered asking her friends, if you know them?

[MrNice]

You haven't considered asking her friends

don't do this
don't make it more complicated then necessary

[rukryM]

It doesn't need to make things more complicated by doing that, but perhaps more awkward. The reason I suggested this was if you know them well enough to make sure they don't tell her.

[nelo]

The friends are bad. Do not talk to them at all.

[rukryM]

Meh, don't listen to my suggestions, then; I'm seemingly incompetent when it comes to things like that .

[reason]

I had actually thought about the friends thing, but discounted it as I don't really know them well enough to be able to trust them and thus, didn't want to risk making the issue bigger than it really was. Cheers for the advice though.

I can't tell if she wants anything more, but as rukryM has suggested, it might be that she hasn't really thought of me in that way yet. I didn't when I first met her. I thought she was cute but didn't really have feelings in that way until later on. We have a good time when together and I seem to be able to make her laugh on cue (and no, that's not me boasting I'm funny - I guess she just gets my sense of humour).

Some of the female friends I know seem very confident and you would of thought that they were the same in relationships but I've found out over the years that's not the case. They have told me they will not make it openly clear they like someone until the man makes the first move. They've said 100% they will never make the first move - that's the mans job to get rejected :-)

[rukryM]

Dec 6, 2008 18:28:11 GMT -5 reason said:

They've said 100% they will never make the first move - that's the mans job to get rejected :-)

Oh yeah, that's how wonderful the world is . Better hope there will appear a girl who's willing to make the first move someday^^.

[MrNice]

They've said 100% they will never make the first move - that's the mans job to get rejected

making the first move means something explicit
usually when a girl likes a guy she gives him extra attention

it might be that she hasn't really thought of me in that way yet.

she knows you just as well as you know her
if you have feelings for her based on that and she does not this is not good
people don't all of a sudden start having feelings for other people because they find out those other people are interested
how much you like her doesn't matter
she either likes you, right now or she doesn't
if she doesn't, the fact that you are going to reveal your feelings will not make a difference

since you have known her for several month she has plenty of things to base her decision on. If she rejects you all you can do in the future is give her MORE OF THE SAME (with the added discomfort and tension). Why do you think she will change her mind?

as far your female friends go, yeah they will not openly let someone know, but depending on how much they actually like the guy there is a whole lot of leeway there. In the end, if truly very interested the feelings will cut through the 'i will not make the first move' mantra. The thing is people usually don't let those sorts of feelings develop without any reciprocation, so it doesn't get to that point and you won't get any 'open' invitations. Extra attention is always there though if the girl is interested.

at this point you got to try to take things to the next level. invite her to hang out somewhere and just force yourself to do it. Doesn't matter what - as long as its explicit in saying you are interested in more then friendship. As I already mentioned, taking her hand or going for a kiss. Going for a kiss requires a bit more of a setup.

[reason]

Well this is where all the confusion for me has come from as I see her while doing other activities and we started to spend more time together, both inside and outside of that. In fact, it was her that asked me out to see films, pub nights etc. just us two together.

Which was to be honest, the whole point of my post really. The fact she asked me out like that and I know she enjoys spending time with me (as I do her), was my confusion as to whether we are just very good friends or there could be more.

I think unless I do ask, I will never know will spend the time I spend with her regretting not asking. On the other hand, I had the concern in the back of my mind that if I do ask and she turns me down, will it get awkward? Maybe I'm concerned over nothing as I did ask someone who I had become friends with several years ago who did say yes, but subsequently changed her mind. We remained just as good friends as we were before, in fact, we're probably closer friends now than ever.

[MrNice]

if I do ask and she turns me down, will it get awkward?

it depends entirely on you and your reaction to it
if you pull a 'maybe things can happen in the future I'll just hang around and endure the pain' things can get very awkward. One sure way to make things less awkward is to go after other girls. Then you won't focus on this girl as your girlfriend and she won't feel pressured by you.

[deadendphilosopher]

Dec 6, 2008 19:06:36 GMT -5 MrNice said:

people don't all of a sudden start having feelings for other people because they find out those other people are interested
how much you like her doesn't matter

This isn't necessarily true in my experience. Sometimes finding out someone is interested can make one start to view them in a different light.

[deadendphilosopher]

Dec 7, 2008 12:07:02 GMT -5 reason said:

Well this is where all the confusion for me has come from as I see her while doing other activities and we started to spend more time together, both inside and outside of that. In fact, it was her that asked me out to see films, pub nights etc. just us two together.

Which was to be honest, the whole point of my post really. The fact she asked me out like that and I know she enjoys spending time with me (as I do her), was my confusion as to whether we are just very good friends or there could be more.

I think unless I do ask, I will never know will spend the time I spend with her regretting not asking. On the other hand, I had the concern in the back of my mind that if I do ask and she turns me down, will it get awkward? Maybe I'm concerned over nothing as I did ask someone who I had become friends with several years ago who did say yes, but subsequently changed her mind. We remained just as good friends as we were before, in fact, we're probably closer friends now than ever.

Do you flirt with her? You could try gradually increasing your flirtiness and see how she responds. That seems like the least awkward way to go.