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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 22, 2009 16:47:00 GMT -5
Ok let's have a vote.
4 years in a relationship and one person won't commit.
Should the reluctant one Shit or get off the pot?
Should the keen one Stick around or move on?
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Post by rukryM on Jan 22, 2009 17:28:13 GMT -5
The keen one should stick and ask the reluctant why things are like they are. Perhaps try to find out why the person is afraid of commitment. I'd also like to add that you can have a relationship for more than four years and still marry^^.
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Post by Sweet Pea on Jan 22, 2009 19:21:40 GMT -5
i say thumbs down. if you want to get married, look for someone who does want to get married like you do. guys who don't really want to get married make bad husbands.  |
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Post by nelo on Jan 22, 2009 19:54:13 GMT -5
4 years...is this a trick question?
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 23, 2009 3:03:08 GMT -5
4 years...is this a trick question? No |
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Post by Bodhi on Jan 23, 2009 11:25:23 GMT -5
By commit, are you talking marriage? Some people are reluctant to get married for a variety of reasons, and still might want to be with the person and love the person. If you are living together and the person just doesn't want to get married yet, I think stay with them.
I think you have to tell us more about the situation for anyone to give you good advice.
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 23, 2009 15:01:04 GMT -5
i say thumbs down. if you want to get married, look for someone who does want to get married like you do. guys who don't really want to get married make bad husbands. Seems like today many just want the benefits of a quasi wife without making any commitment on their part. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 23, 2009 15:01:50 GMT -5
The keen one should stick and ask the reluctant why things are like they are. Perhaps try to find out why the person is afraid of commitment. I'd also like to add that you can have a relationship for more than four years and still marry^^. Asking would be a good thing but can you really expect an honest answer? |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 23, 2009 15:03:25 GMT -5
By commit, are you talking marriage? Some people are reluctant to get married for a variety of reasons, and still might want to be with the person and love the person. If you are living together and the person just doesn't want to get married yet, I think stay with them. I think you have to tell us more about the situation for anyone to give you good advice. No, the reluctant one doesn't want to live together either. Not sure what else to say about it. |
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Post by Sigh on Jan 23, 2009 15:16:47 GMT -5
If someone doesn't want to even live with you nor want to marry you, and you want both those things, then I don't think that bodes well for any real kind of future.
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Post by rukryM on Jan 23, 2009 15:57:14 GMT -5
Asking would be a good thing but can you really expect an honest answer? Don't know, the only thing that will show is time if the reluctant one gives a time for when her or she'll commit. Trust is a keyword in this setting. |
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xanadu
Junior Member
Posts: 66
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Post by xanadu on Jan 23, 2009 17:17:06 GMT -5
Listen very carefully to what I am about to say. If someone doesn't want to marry you then they doesn't love you at the highest level they ought to love you, especially if intimacy is involved. There is nothing wrong with being "old fashioned", except the phrase itself. For in longing for marriage one is simply respecting the highest definition of love, and that being self-sacrificing, other-centered love. Obviously, the reluctant one is incapable of loving you at the highest level, and since that is what all relationships deserve, you need to move on and find someone less selfish and more honourable of your character. Sorry, but the reluctant doesn't love you no matter what anyone else says. For love is not a feeling as much is it is an action. And by action I am referring to thinking of your honour, dignity, and value as being important enough to commit their life to you and you to them. It is one thing for a man to say "I love you and I will always be there for you," from the back seat of a car and quite another in front of a group of witnesses. The former expression men use just to get their way with you and the second is called "putting your money where your mouth is," i.e., marriage. The solution is quite simple. Start dating other people. You don't have to leave him but the rules are a man loses his exclusive option to a woman when he refuses to commit. He has told her he doesn't want to commit to her through his non-action but will gladly keep her around until something better comes along. Why put up with that. Being exclusive isn't a commitment in itself. It is meant to explore the relationship before making a more permanent commitment i.e., living together or marriage. After 4 years he should know if he wants that or not and I'm sorry to say that he doesn't. Do not pressure or push but let him know that you will give him all the time he needs to decide and then go out and date others. Life is much too short to not get what you really want.
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Post by skyhint on Jan 23, 2009 21:53:26 GMT -5
i say thumbs down. if you want to get married, look for someone who does want to get married like you do. guys who don't really want to get married make bad husbands. I cast my ballot for this as well. It seems like for one person marriage is really important and for the other it is not. They seem to be two people with different values. Neither person is in the wrong. |
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Post by Sweet Pea on Jan 24, 2009 11:51:10 GMT -5
just because someone is shy, that doesn't mean everything they do is okay or excusable. always putting your self and your wants first at the expense of others is selfish, whether you're shy or not. i have seen and heard of shy people doing exactly the same things in relationships that other people do - cheating, taking advantage, etc. - and then excusing it with shyness, social anxiety, fearfulness or whatever. "but i can't xyz cuz i'm shy!"
i think even when it is difficult for us, we still have to do the right things in our relationships. we are still responsible. shyness doesn't get us off the hook.
so if you have a shy bf or gf who's stringing you along, you should deal with it as anyone else would. give them more time if you wish, that's perfectly reasonable. but long-term i think you shouldn't accept behavior from a shy person that you wouldn't accept from anyone else.
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 24, 2009 15:45:14 GMT -5
If someone doesn't want to even live with you nor want to marry you, and you want both those things, then I don't think that bodes well for any real kind of future. No it doesn't does it. |
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