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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 24, 2009 15:47:41 GMT -5
Don't know, the only thing that will show is time if the reluctant one gives a time for when her or she'll commit. Trust is a keyword in this setting. The keen one has asked for a time frame and none was given. The response was something like not ready yet or don't know if they want to marry or not but then in general conversation the reluctant one doesn't rule marriage out. I think it is more a matter of the reluctant one wants to marry but not to the keen one. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 24, 2009 15:49:18 GMT -5
After 4 years he should know if he wants that or not and I'm sorry to say that he doesn't. Do not pressure or push but let him know that you will give him all the time he needs to decide and then go out and date others. Life is much too short to not get what you really want. I didn't want to quote all you said but you do make sense. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 24, 2009 15:50:37 GMT -5
I cast my ballot for this as well. It seems like for one person marriage is really important and for the other it is not. They seem to be two people with different values. Neither person is in the wrong. It doesn't seem very fair for one person to continue on in a relationship knowing one wants marriage and they don't does it. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 24, 2009 15:59:10 GMT -5
just because someone is shy, that doesn't mean everything they do is okay or excusable. always putting your self and your wants first at the expense of others is selfish, whether you're shy or not. i have seen and heard of shy people doing exactly the same things in relationships that other people do - cheating, taking advantage, etc. - and then excusing it with shyness, social anxiety, fearfulness or whatever. "but i can't xyz cuz i'm shy!" i think even when it is difficult for us, we still have to do the right things in our relationships. we are still responsible. shyness doesn't get us off the hook. so if you have a shy bf or gf who's stringing you along, you should deal with it as anyone else would. give them more time if you wish, that's perfectly reasonable. but long-term i think you shouldn't accept behavior from a shy person that you wouldn't accept from anyone else. 4 years is plenty of time. Really it should have been 2. I suppose the keen one believed the reluctant one when the conversation came up a couple years back and they said they weren't ready yet and they needed more time. The time has past and nothing has changed. Instead of moving the relationship towards permanent coupledom, the reluctant one stills acts very much single and does put their needs first. Nobody likes the feeling of being strung along and take advantage of. |
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Post by madiocre on Jan 24, 2009 19:48:19 GMT -5
a friend of mine has a similar issue she is in what seems a wondeful relationship they both r in love and they kinda even act like married couple since they virtually live together they have been togather for 3 years and grew up together as childhood friends . however the guy says he doesnt believe in marraige and doesnt want kids ever.....this is an opinion he has had for a while . her resolution is to basically stay with him til a certain time and if he doesnt change his mind she'll have to leave him because currently they are only in their early twenties and she doesnt quite want kids now and she is blissfully happy with him in the present it just the future that causes the worry .Also his refusal to accept marriage does seem strange since the way inwhich they are with one another is basically like a mariage (without the actual commitment if that even makes sense ) many ppl even joke and call them hubbby and wife .it seems like his refusal at this point is more just him being stubborn and wanting to look like he isnt going to give in to his old values.
see in this situation its hard to say what to do i mean it depends on some logistical things like age . if the said people are older then yeah maybe the person who wants to commit should try and let go and find someone else to build a relationship with and get married etc with . also what is the reason that the other person won'y copmmit and is that going to change. i think also is it that the person who wants to commit wants really badly to be with that person forever or do they just want to be in a stable steady relationship commited to a person ....hmm not sure how to say what im gettin at ..... ok put it this way do they value that said person more or their plans to be commited .
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Post by madiocre on Jan 24, 2009 19:49:07 GMT -5
o also with the person who doesnt want to commit right now its easy to jump to the conclusion that its because they dont feel enough love but that may not be the case it might be they just feel very uncertain aboutthe future or like some people they just flat out dont think about it .
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jan 24, 2009 21:50:52 GMT -5
^ I agree that many factors need to be considered, such as age. I would assume, though, that in most cases...after 4 years of being in a relationship with someone, one should know whether or not they want to get married to that person. If it were only two years into the relationship, I would probably say give it some time....but that's already occurred and that's what you did. So yeah...it seems as though you have completely different visions at this point in your lives. Not a good sign, imho.  just because someone is shy, that doesn't mean everything they do is okay or excusable. always putting your self and your wants first at the expense of others is selfish, whether you're shy or not. i have seen and heard of shy people doing exactly the same things in relationships that other people do - cheating, taking advantage, etc. - and then excusing it with shyness, social anxiety, fearfulness or whatever. "but i can't xyz cuz i'm shy!" i think even when it is difficult for us, we still have to do the right things in our relationships. we are still responsible. shyness doesn't get us off the hook. so if you have a shy bf or gf who's stringing you along, you should deal with it as anyone else would. give them more time if you wish, that's perfectly reasonable. but long-term i think you shouldn't accept behavior from a shy person that you wouldn't accept from anyone else. hmm...I'm surprised people make such excuses.--"I'm shy, so I cheated..." or "It's okay that I cheated, because I'm shy..." ??That makes absolutely no sense to me.  Strange. I really don't think shyness could have anything to do with making a commitment to someone. Anyway...just had to comment to that.  |
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Post by nelo on Jan 24, 2009 23:48:20 GMT -5
Most shy people are very loyal as far as I'm aware...maybe its another mental defect.
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Post by madiocre on Jan 25, 2009 0:32:29 GMT -5
i dont think being shy means anything more then that you are shy you can't say that because a person is shy they are anything else aswell for example you cant presume that because someone is shy they like to read or that they are deep in their thoughts ....etc
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 25, 2009 1:30:42 GMT -5
To answer the questions about age, the youngest person in this is in their late 20s.
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Post by rukryM on Jan 25, 2009 8:10:37 GMT -5
4 years is plenty of time. Really it should have been 2. Two years in a relationship and then marry? I'd say that's too short, you need to spend more time together. Engagement might be appropriate in such a timeframe though. |
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Post by Sweet Pea on Jan 25, 2009 14:11:13 GMT -5
4 years is plenty of time. Really it should have been 2. Two years in a relationship and then marry? I'd say that's too short, you need to spend more time together. Engagement might be appropriate in such a timeframe though. really? i don't know anybody who waited more than two years to marry. |
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Post by Bodhi on Jan 25, 2009 16:13:00 GMT -5
Two years in a relationship and then marry? I'd say that's too short, you need to spend more time together. Engagement might be appropriate in such a timeframe though. really? i don't know anybody who waited more than two years to marry. I've known a number of people who have waited more than 2 years to marry, its not unusual. 4 years might be getting a little up there, but even that happens depending on the circumstances. I think for young people in there 20's, there is less an incentive to get married than for someone older. Alot of people in their 20's date for a number of years before even thinking of marriage. |
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Post by Sweet Pea on Jan 25, 2009 16:22:56 GMT -5
really? i don't know anybody who waited more than two years to marry. I've known a number of people who have waited more than 2 years to marry, its not unusual. 4 years might be getting a little up there, but even that happens depending on the circumstances. I think for young people in there 20's, there is less an incentive to get married than for someone older. Alot of people in their 20's date for a number of years before even thinking of marriage. maybe it's a regional difference or something. i checked online and it looks like the average is a little more than a year for the engagement period in the US. the bride usually has about a year to plan the wedding. i waited two years to get married. i also didn't have my first kid til i was 23. but i was very unusual in the area i come from. my own parents were engaged within a few weeks of meeting. most people i knew were married within a year of meeting...married and had children a lot younger too. when people find the person they want to be with, they tend to jump on it oftentimes.  |
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Post by urbanspaceman on Jan 25, 2009 16:24:12 GMT -5
really? i don't know anybody who waited more than two years to marry. An old school friend of mine has been with his girlfriend for....11 years this year I think? They met at university and seem fine with the whole not getting married thing. I mean they met when they were both 18, so it's a different situation to Jessica's (I still want to call you Pnats, lol) and have chosen to concentrate on careers, financial security, etc I think. For the time being in any case. So I guess it does happen and can work. I don't really have much more to offer on this from a personal viewpoint, other than if it worries you a lot, best just to be upfront and as blunt as possible in asking your other half. Do they want to get married? A negative or indecisive reply, and you have your answer. Not a nice thing to hear I imagine, but you'd know for certain. Hopefully you'd get a positive reaction though! I'm sure the waiting and wondering if they'll ever commit will only weigh on your mind more and more as it seems to matter a great deal to you. It ain't good to have such worry on your shoulders. I hope things work out for you.  |
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Strange.
