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Post by Stranger on Jan 25, 2009 16:36:33 GMT -5
I don't think I've known anyone to get married within 2 years either, and I've known plenty who have broken up after 2 years. I wouldn't even have any expectations after 4 myself. Especially when it's very long distance where you're lucky if you can spend 3 months a year physically together at first. I think what's more relevant than some unspoken time rule is the fact that this is obviously something that means a lot to you, and yet he doesn't seem to care about it. What's the reason he's giving for not wanting to do it? When two people care about each other, they care when the other is upset, or feels short-changed, and they do what they can (within reason) to help each other out. I don't know much about your relationship, but from the few drips you've let leak out over the years, I've gotten the impression it was kinda one-sided. PM me if you want me to expand on that--I don't want to reveal anything too personal. Point is, when things get unbalanced, it's only natural that one's going to feel taken advantage of, and you probably need to be able to put the emotions aside in order to see it for what it is. It'd have to be a big decision after 4 years and an intercontinential relocation, so I'm not going to give a flippant yes/no vote. It's very much something that has to be entirely your decision. Good luck with that.  |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 25, 2009 16:38:04 GMT -5
maybe it's a regional difference or something. i checked online and it looks like the average is a little more than a year for the engagement period in the US. the bride usually has about a year to plan the wedding. i waited two years to get married. i also didn't have my first kid til i was 23. but i was very unusual in the area i come from. my own parents were engaged within a few weeks of meeting. most people i knew were married within a year of meeting...married and had children a lot younger too. when people find the person they want to be with, they tend to jump on it oftentimes.  Ok I am thinking about all the people I know who have gotten married. Since I work with men, I'll post what I have found. I am going to say 80% of the guys were age 24 - 25 getting married. My ex husband 1st got married age of 24. My dad was 27. One of my sisters 19. My old work in the US All of the developers were in their 20s. Only 1 was single. They got married ages 24-26. My first team here in Aus. In the 6 months I was there, 4 engagements. They had been dating their gfs less than 2 years. My former boss met someone in March, brought her back to Aus and married her in October. Two women I talked to had long term relationships with bfs for 5 years. First one, the guy was just using her to get citizenship and never planned to marry her. Beautiful smart girl too. She met someone else and he proposed 6 months into the relationship. The 2nd, relationship for 5 years. He was dragging his feet on marriage. She dumped him. Met someone else a month later. Were engaged less than a year later. Now they married close to 8 years. Anyway, the issue at hand is a 4 year relationship; not 2 years. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 25, 2009 16:59:16 GMT -5
I'm sure the waiting and wondering if they'll ever commit will only weigh on your mind more and more as it seems to matter a great deal to you. It ain't good to have such worry on your shoulders. I hope things work out for you. Thanks Slink. You really hit the nail on the head with how I feel. |
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Post by rukryM on Jan 25, 2009 17:21:06 GMT -5
really? i don't know anybody who waited more than two years to marry. There's quite a few, committing in the form of engagement is just a confirmation of staying together and is therefore also sort of a sign that two people want each other. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Jan 25, 2009 19:35:06 GMT -5
I think what's more relevant than some unspoken time rule is the fact that this is obviously something that means a lot to you, and yet he doesn't seem to care about it. What's the reason he's giving for not wanting to do it? When two people care about each other, they care when the other is upset, or feels short-changed, and they do what they can (within reason) to help each other out. You know, you've brought up something important here and I think this quote kind of sums it up nicely. "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" |
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xanadu
Junior Member
Posts: 66
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Post by xanadu on Jan 26, 2009 2:49:17 GMT -5
Most shy people are very loyal as far as I'm aware...maybe its another mental defect. I think they are loyal out of fear and because they feel they don't have any other options. |
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xanadu
Junior Member
Posts: 66
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Post by xanadu on Jan 26, 2009 2:57:17 GMT -5
just because someone is shy, that doesn't mean everything they do is okay or excusable. always putting your self and your wants first at the expense of others is selfish, whether you're shy or not. i have seen and heard of shy people doing exactly the same things in relationships that other people do - cheating, taking advantage, etc. - and then excusing it with shyness, social anxiety, fearfulness or whatever. "but i can't xyz cuz i'm shy!" I do think some people use their shyness to make excuses. I had this friend who was much more shy than I and he used his shyness to put zero effort into our friendship. I flew to Sydney to visit one time and he wouldn't fly to visit me. He said he was too frightened to fly and too scared to ask for time off work. Funny thing is that several months later he got on a plane to visit someone else and asked for the time off for that. He was just lying and using his shyness as an excuse. Same friend wouldn't spend the money to take a taxi to pick me up because he said it was too expensive but two days after I was there, he spends $100 on computer games for himself. Needless to say he isn't my friend anymore. |
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