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Post by fightingspirit on Jul 16, 2009 20:00:16 GMT -5
yes you are missing something you actually can ask a girl out it is not too forward its only too forward if she is not attracted to you if she is attracted to you then its not too forward friends first thing is just wrong as a strategy it will not get you anywhere Actually if you read the whole context of the conversation in this thread, you'll probably see that I was being a little sarcastic. Naturally, the typical way that things proceed is that a guy sees a girl, finds her appearance (looks, voice, laugh, movement) attractive, and he proceeds to interact with her in a romantically charged way right off the bat. A guy is rarely afforded the opportunity to explore the personality of a girl he likes before he's virtually forced to make a move. Like You said, becoming friends first will get a guy nowhere in this competitive world of ours. She'll be snatched up before he can say "how are you?" in his friendly non-threatening way. all it takes is a little bit of conversation for her to determine whether she would accept an invitation for a date you are completely overestimating the importance of flirting or asking a girl for a phone number or a date Well, some people like to keep it extremely casual when asking others out. I don't. I prefer for it to be a bit of an experience, even if it proves to be nerve wracking, rather than becoming a drone who desensitized himself to everything. The only thing that I do differently now than I did in the past is that I learned the importance of taking the matter into my own hands and acting quickly. Dwelling on a crush for years is a bad thing, which I found out the hard way in my teenage years. again, if you make a bad impression on a girl and ask her out then its all about being too foraward or whatever but if you make a good impression she will gladly hang out with you a date is nothing more then hanging out with a romantic touch - its not a big commitemnt from either side I pretty much agree with that. The romantic touch being the key word, which is important to prevent things from being too asexual. why is it that you know right away that you are attracted to a girl but you need to jump through hoops and pretend to be friends for her to be attracted to you? just put yourself in a situation where a girl is attracted to you but you don't know about it - for example you think she is beyond your reach - if she were to ask you out and you found her attractive would you tell her that she is being too forward or that you should become good friends first before considering anything romantic? or would you just go out with her? its the same the other way around It's definitely not the same. Men and women operate very differently in the dating world with women being conditioned from a young age that they are commodities to be pursued and that heaps of suitors are just waiting around any corner. It's a lot easier for a woman to dismiss a potential dating partner than it is for a man. Men can only pretend to be at the same level. It's just an inherent unfairness that has been present for a long time and it has actually become exaggerated now that the world has become a smaller place due to plethora of transportation modes. Once again, I personally don't think that I need to pretend to be friends with a girl I am attracted to before I take further action. It is of course possible that I'll see something in a platonic female friend that will make me attracted to her, but my life experience so far has been that it never really happened. Either I feel attracted or I don't. |
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Post by madiocre on Jul 17, 2009 1:50:20 GMT -5
Different folks different strokes.
That makes it really hard for you guys toknow how to act but thats the way it is.
I personally know I get weird and feel deceited when a man does the whole stay friends first thing. I had a guy do that because we met when I already had a boyfriend. He asked me out to lunch the week after my bf left me then said it was just a platonic thing and that he just likes taking friends to lunch. Things got in the way and we never made it to lunch. Talking online he had said he thought I was "just cute and fun" but nothing more. Then once I started dating another guy and became commited to him he confessed that he thought more of me but he thought that i was out of his league. Now I still talk to him sparingly but I always fel guilty like maybe it was my fault and that I should have not been so blind. I also feel guilty that I didnt feel what he did. Mostly though our friendship is strained because I can't help but feel I was lied to and that he misled me and that he isn't to be trusted and that I should be on guard around him.
My current bf ( who I love dearly) I met at a friend's Mexican party. We both at first thought each to be untouchable property in that he thought that his friend was interested and I thought he was my friend's ex. both of us were wrong which we worked out through the night through observation basically. Any way once we had establsihed this we really hit it off. There was chemiatry and a date followed and eventually after dating a few time we decided to be together yada yada .
Now thats how i operate there is an instant connection and dating follows then eventually comitment of some type. others are different. Some of my friends understand this and work the same . Others find it funny and weird. They will criticise this .I had one friend laugh that I was interested in a guy i only met once. Others I know are either with childhood friends or people they crushed over for ages then there was a confession and this was confirmed by another party and commitment was made.
I think there are diferent schools of thoughts.
For the op I guess you have already acted or not acted but i would take the advise farouche gave and just send a note that hints .
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Post by MrNice on Jul 17, 2009 11:55:07 GMT -5
a guy is not forced to do anything
it only seems that way to you because you allow yourself to develop feelings for someone that has no clue until its too painful not to act and then everything feels forced and nerve wrecking
if you actually decrease the importance of making any sort of move, don't worry - it won't turn you into a robot - thats just an excuse not to change yourself - the interaction with the girl will be fun right off the bat and asking her out will be fun and exciting instead of nervewrecking
you can explore the personality of a girl in a romantic context
a date is nothing more then hanging out with a romantic tocuh - it doesn't prevent you from exploring her personality
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Post by arizona on Jul 19, 2009 17:49:47 GMT -5
I won't even pretend I understood all that.
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Post by fightingspirit on Jul 19, 2009 17:53:39 GMT -5
a guy is not forced to do anything it only seems that way to you because you allow yourself to develop feelings for someone that has no clue until its too painful not to act and then everything feels forced and nerve wrecking I disagree. A guy has to do something in a timely manner if he hopes to achieve something with a particular girl that he likes. Contrary to what the PUA drones would have You believe, the other person does not have to like you before you like them first. That's just the crux of the matter. I know that there is this whole concept of not investing all of your feelings in one girl for a long time or not even one at a given time, but that's a fallacy meant to barricade oneself from any kind of emotional investment. I do not agree with that principle as given, although I have learned the importance of not being in a state of one-sided attachment for too long. I think that a strong emotional involvement is almost a prerequisite for a significant relationship. No pain - no gain as they say. Even if You manage to get a girlfriend through casual interaction, she simply will not raise the same kind of butterflies in your stomach. There's something within our psyche that precludes it. For the same reason, a man cannot be friends with a woman first or else the magic is lost (or never developed). We can't help, but follow a certain path of progression towards a truly satisfying romantic relationship. if you actually decrease the importance of making any sort of move, don't worry - it won't turn you into a robot - thats just an excuse not to change yourself - the interaction with the girl will be fun right off the bat and asking her out will be fun and exciting instead of nervewrecking you can explore the personality of a girl in a romantic context a date is nothing more then hanging out with a romantic tocuh - it doesn't prevent you from exploring her personality You can only decrease the importance to the level where it doesn't become crippling. A "fun" interaction is not the same as that of a budding romance. It's a completely different experience where You can talk to a girl and forget about her existence before your head hits the pillow. It's quite another when You have given it some serious thought and consider it, however secretly, important to your well being for the foreseeable future. If you desensitize yourself, fine, you may get off lightly and brush everything off easily, but you willingly give up the chance of living through something special. In such case you know that all you can hope for is mediocrity. I think that a healthy balance is the most important thing. There is nothing wrong with developing strong feelings, but it's important to act upon them quickly and not let them drive you into a pathological situation where one person spends months or even years without giving the object of their affection as much as a hint that they want something more. |
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Post by brightestdark on Jul 22, 2009 17:34:51 GMT -5
My advice is just to ask her to meet up. I don't know if she's gone already but if not say 'maybe we can meet up at some point after you've left' and make sure you get her number or email address. Then when she's gone leave it a week or so and then get in touch and see how she's doing in her new job, ask if she wants to meet up to catch up so she can tell you all about her new job and what's been happening. If she's left already and you have an email address, email her and ask if she wants to meet up. I also think that letter wouldn't have gone down well. It was too heavy (even without meaning to be). That said I also think Farouche's note was a bit much - I mean the 'I'd like to take you out for coffee when you get back from your trip and see where things go' bit seems too heavy for me. It's like you're saying already you are interested and want things to go somewhere. If she only liked you as a friend I think it might freak her out. It is easier just to ask if she wants to meet up and then just see how you get on while you're together.
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Post by anothershy1 on Aug 14, 2009 18:34:38 GMT -5
My advice is just to ask her to meet up. I don't know if she's gone already but if not say 'maybe we can meet up at some point after you've left' and make sure you get her number or email address. Then when she's gone leave it a week or so and then get in touch and see how she's doing in her new job, ask if she wants to meet up to catch up so she can tell you all about her new job and what's been happening. If she's left already and you have an email address, email her and ask if she wants to meet up. I also think that letter wouldn't have gone down well. It was too heavy (even without meaning to be). That said I also think Farouche's note was a bit much - I mean the 'I'd like to take you out for coffee when you get back from your trip and see where things go' bit seems too heavy for me. It's like you're saying already you are interested and want things to go somewhere. If she only liked you as a friend I think it might freak her out. It is easier just to ask if she wants to meet up and then just see how you get on while you're together. Yep shes left however still got the standard comms via face monkey (book) like everything these days and still banter which is all good |
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