Congrats on calling your old job!! I know how hard it is to pick up the stupid phone and make a request. I wish the world understood this better so that people would recognize making a phone call as the great achievement it actually is. ;D I'm betting that if you worked at this place several years ago, it's probably not that they don't
want to give you a reference, but rather they may not remember you and your work well enough to talk specifics. Even if they remember generally that you were a good employee, they may feel that faint praise would be more of a hindrance than a help, and that providing only the dates of employment is more "neutral" because other employers can at least assume that they
never give out more info than that. A good idea for the future (if you already did this, please disregard) might be to get the personal contact details of manager and coworkers before you leave your next job. If you make it more of an off-the-clock social call than a professional request, it may help them remember their positive, human feelings toward you (I know, I know XP--I have yet to do this myself but it seems to be the "done thing." I'm steeling myself to try it in the future, but yeah--grain of salt).
Thanks.
Yeah, it did cross my mind that they may not even have remembered me at all.
My dad did tell me, though, that some places are getting pretty selective about what information they give out, as apparently there have been some issues where people who were given references blamed their references for not getting a job, or whatever...so supposedly some places just do it to protect themselves.
I'm pretty sure they didn't remember me, though.
I did (oddly and luckily) get the e-mail address from my former supervisor of my most recent job--I had to get it for the off-chance that I'd apply to a volunteer type postion I was considering. And, I just noticed today, that I received an e-mail from her, saying I could list her. That's all she said, though, so I'm not sure if that's so great. :S But oh well, I guess. I'll take what I can get.
. . . I was feeling pretty mopey last night for exactly that reason: talking to another relative about the college-goer's experience brought up some painful memories and regrets
(though it was good to know this kid isn't limiting himself like I did; that would be worse, as I know from seeing another relative experience something similar).
Yeah, I've realized that, too. I'm pretty happy for my siblings and other relatives who seem to be doing quite well socially and whatnot. I feel sooo sorry for myself, though (which makes me feel completely pathetic), being completely regretful and all....but I suppose at least, it's given me more appreciation for what they do. For example, I see how much my little sister is already taking on, and I'm really quite proud of her for it. It's also nice noticing how the activities she's involved in, seem to be helping her gain confidence. I just know that it's completely odd, however, how a lot of this stuff seems so foreign to me. :S Even the simplest of things. I've majorly lacked friends from 6th grade on upward (well, honestly...my whole life really)...and it's just amazing to me how important that aspect really is in growing and learning about the world. I need to stop before I depress myself more.
I hate thinking about all the things I would have liked to experience in the past, but didn't because I was too frickin' anxious.
In some ways it helps to remind myself that in most of those scenarios, I wouldn't have been able to have the enjoyment that I've seen other people getting out of it and that I imagine myself experiencing. Take homecoming or prom: on the one hand I didn't and don't care about either, but on the other hand I can see the appeal of working on a parade float with your friends and getting all dressed up just to spend an evening having fun, dancing, carefree. But I didn't really have the big prerequisite that would have made those events worth it (friends
). And when I went to a couple of similar events in middle school, it was a socially traumatic experience that not only ruined my week, but squashed even the
fantasy of participation for a year or more afterward. So I tell myself that I simply didn't have the tools to enjoy most of the stuff I wish I could have enjoyed back then, but that I have more insight now and am better equipped to enjoy stuff in the
future. For instance, the company party I went to earlier this year was actually pretty fun, even though I burnt out quickly and left after an hour. Success!
Yeah, I do realize that a lot of the time. That even had I gone out for stuff, or tried to participate in things, I may have not enjoyed it at all. I remember going to a couple of middle school dances, for example, and feeling really...just pathetic, and socially unable, etc. I suppose I'd just like to think that things could've been different, had I at least TRIED
more. I just never even gave myself the chance. And, really, I still don't. :S
I can relate to a lot of what you've said here, though.
Congrats on your success with the party.
How long did it take you to feel comfortable at this volleyball game? Have you outlasted your anxiety before this, and did it take you a similar amount of time? I really want to get out there and do stuff, but one thing I've realized is that I tend to be anxious until shortly before the
end of any experience--it's a percentage thing for me: that last 20% is the sweet spot.
This applies to short events like seeing friends or going to a party, as well as long experiences like middle school, high school, and college. The deciding factor is a definite, inflexible end point. This makes me wonder if I can trick my brain somehow to create and sustain the 20% effect. Like maybe forcing myself to see friends more
often but only for an hour to two hours tops. Maybe that could help get my brain more used to 20% time. (This is one of those areas where I really see this as more of an avoidance/anxiety issue more than a shyness issue, per se. Which is a good distinction I believe you made a while back.)
Well, I think it sort of depends on how you'd define "comfortable."
As I think I was uncomfortable, in some way, virtually the whole time. :S
But as for that near-panic-attack super anxious/emotional phase...that could have been around 30 min. I was so very in my head most of the time, that I wasn't really keeping track of the time. But, I do know that we swapped seats after the A game. And then swapped seats again after the B game. I wasn't there for the whole A game...I had walked in probably 40 min into it, and there was probably about 20 min left that I watched. When I first walked in, was probably my most anxious moment. :S The place seemed smaller (they had less stands out for the game to make it look more crowded), and I had to search for where my parents were sitting.
I felt somewhat relieved after we switched seats the first time. And then, even more so, after we switched seats the 2nd time....which is so we could watch my sister finally play on the other side of the gym, which was way less crowded. I think I even felt more at ease when my other sister showed up with her two kids. For some reason. :S
But anyway...
This is all sounding even strange, somewhat foreign to me. I thought that in situations like this, I had gotten over anxiety such as this. I mean, crowds don't normally bother me. If this was some big stadium, and I had no idea who the other people were, besides whoever I was going with, then I probably wouldn't have had a problem at all.
I think my biggest issue here...is the fact that...I just feel like the biggest pathetic loser ever, simply put. I'm not comfortable with the postion I'm in and feel like I'm losing even more confidence with each passing day (I had gained a little at some point, or so I thought, but even then, nothing much was there to begin with I suppose). And this is a very small town I'm in. I spent most of my life in this place....but I absolutely hate it. And I HATE running into people that I *know* (am acquainted with) even more. I suppose because....I feel like they're in more of a judging position then say, a complete stranger. And I feel like I'm more concerned about their opinions of me. I've ALWAYS felt this way really. :S So, I feel suffocated in this town to begin with. And just...being in such close quarters, in my old school, with the potential to run into people that I don't necessarily want to run into....plus my emotional state as of late. It just makes for a really bad mix.
oh my god...I don't think I've answered your question yet. :S
Okay, so hmm...
Well, as for if I've outlasted my anxiety before....I don't know. I mean, I usually don't run away, because I can't. I've only had a couple of real panic attacks before even, and those were really short. Those were both back in high school, I think, and the worst of it was over within a few minutes.
But it's hard to really say, mostly because....my biggest method of coping has been avoidance, I'm afraid.
I just don't put myself through a whole lot to begin with. My life has turned out in such a way, that I've always had an easy way out, so to speak...there's always been the chance of doing something in order to enable myself and avoid, and I've usually always gone that route. *ashamed* The decision to avoid is always the worst decision ever. I realize this, but I still do it...because it's become such a bad habit.
But now it's like, all of it's caught up now. I can't continue to run and hide, if I want any sort of life. It's just that, it's like I'm paralyzed now. Because of my stupid avoidance all these years, I don't have the experiences and social ability to have enough confidence to go through with things. :S
Anyway...your 20% description is interesting.
I feel like, at times I've been better (meaning, taking shyness/anxiety out of the picture)....I then realize that it's my introversion that causes a lot of issues for me alone. Most my world is within my head, for sure. I'm not used to expressing myself around people, so it's hard for me to. So unless I know someone very well, or feel really comfortable around them, then I'm typically never at complete ease.
Another maybe: maybe we should start a thread where we all try to hack each other's brains? Anyone who's interested could explain the weird ways they experience anxiety, and other people could work from an outsider's perspective to help each individual come up with and implement brain tricks. Do you reckon that'd be useful?
Yeah, I'm sure any advice would be useful.
One last thing (omg, how long is this freaking post?! I won't bother apologizing because if I were truly repentant I would edit it down): do you do a lot of photography for a hobby? What kind of camera do you use (point-and-shoot or DSLR)? I ask 'cause just started using a DSLR, and I'm loving the crap out of it. This is a brand of fun I didn't realize existed till now. Only downside is that I'm shy and paranoid of taking it outside, lol.
haha...well, I don't mind long responses back at all. Just so long as you realize you'll most likely get an even longer response back from me. :S
Well, I wouldn't say I necessarily do a lot of photography, but I love taking pictures...of either family, or whenever I'm somewhere, or see something that looks photo-worthy.
I just have a point-and-shoot camera. Nothing fancy really, but mine has a fairly decent zoom feature, which I love. I've had some people compliment me on some of the pictures I've taken...but I feel like a lot of credit goes to the camera itself, since it adjusts itself, lol. And I tend to take a ton of pictures, so usually there are at least a few really good ones that come out of it. I've never bothered to learn manual settings, though I wish I'd learn. I particularly felt that way at the v-ball game, actually....considering, for some reason, all the pictures turned out dark. I tried a few different things with the automatic settings, but none of them came out right. And I realized later, after adding them to the computer, that it didn't even focus right.
So, I'm just a complete amateur really, lol.
Anyway, thanks a bunch for your response, Farouche.
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As though I haven't written enough for tonight....
A thought occurred to me, about loneliness.
Perhaps what's worse than current/present loneliness....is the loneliness you find in realizing that most all your experiences are purely your own. That there's no other witness to something that you've been through. No one to sit there and reminisce with. No one who really completely understands you and where you've been, who you are, where you've come from.
I had an appointment yesterday in the town that I was previously living in. It's kind of a long drive, and I went alone (which is kind of what I needed, I think :S)...but anyway, I went, and also spent the day visiting the main places I frequented...the old place I lived, the nature trail I came to frequent...drove past my university, drove some of my old routes. Used the same store (where I knew where everything was!), gas station....which possibly sounds quite boring. But I found it kind of nice. Kind of like a final 'goodbye,' perhaps.
Part of me felt a bit of peace in doing that. Yet, at some point, I started feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness. Here I was, thinking of the things I used to do, the places I used to go to...and yet, I had no one to share them with. I never really had anyone there with me to share with. My experiences were all my own.
A normal person would've probably visited friends they'd made. But I had lost all of mine, mostly.
So I was left with myself. With my own thoughts. My own perceptions. Like it's always been. And I think I realized that that's what I'm most of afraid of. That this is how it will always be for me.
I mean...even within my own family, I feel that way sometimes. I don't think anyone in my own family even completely understands where I'm coming from, who I am. There are things that I remember, a certain way that I perceived things, that I feel like no one
completely understands. There's no way they could.
Which I suppose goes along with the idea that "every man is an island."
I don't think that necessarily has to be true. But, maybe for some people, maybe for me, that's just how it's going to be. It takes me waaaay too long, an absurd amount of time, to even start feeling comfortable around people. The world doesn't wait. People lose patience. Anytime I feel like I've made a friend, it's like I lose them soon after. It's painful to get close, only to have it taken away from you at some point. I feel like I haven't got the energy to keep doing this. People coming, then going.
But at the same time, this loneliness has got to be equally as painful, if not more so.
I can't imagine just allowing myself to be a complete shut-in, never giving myself the chance. In a lot of ways, a life like that (what I've been really) seems a hell of a lot scarier.
Sometimes I wish I couldn't see the "big picture," though...and would instead just focus on the present time, today. Stop obsessing about the past, stop over-analyzing things, stop worrying about the future. And just live...day-by-day, man.
ok, I be done now