|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Sept 22, 2010 3:50:02 GMT -5
A very weak moment....yet another.....*sigh* I really do not want to undo the good that I have been able to manage for myself (up until now)....but it's not looking good. I have such a bleak outlook on my own life. Like......gah, it's horrible. Yet people, I have all the hope in the world for you. YOU ALL CAN GET BETTER. But when it comes to my own life, I really truly deep down feel like it won't. UGH........WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING? This is so wrong. How can I feel like this? I've felt like this forever.........so, so crappy about myself! The thoughts won't go away, they just won't! HOW DO I GET RID OF THEM?!?!?!? No matter what is going on..........even if something good happens, it doesn't seem to be enough. I see through it. Deep down I don't feel good enough for it....I don't feel worthy or deserving of any good. There has to be some excuse for it....or something darker around the corner that then makes me think it was just some sort of false hope all along. I'M SO SICK OF THIS. I feel sick. I've made myself sick. Thinking about the future....MY future.....makes me sick. I am clearly sick! Sick, sick, sick....in the demented sense. WHY AM I EVEN HERE? Why am I sharing my thoughts? I don't know. I'll probably delete this later. I feel really crappy. I hate myself. Really, I think I always have. Even as a little girl, a small child, I remember always looking up to other people....wishing I could be like someone else....thinking that everyone else had it right....that somehow, in some way, I was always wrong..... That feeling has never gone away. I am a goddamn "grown-up" now, dammit! Why doesn't anything make any sense yet? Why can't I get my shit together? Why am I here all alone...just getting sicker and sicker? There's always been something there that's allowed me to enable myself. But I'm losing that crutch. After so long, it can't last. And it's finally catching up to me. Am I finally going to lose it? No one knows what's going on with me really....in my day-to-day life, that is. None of my family realizes how fricking miserable I am, and even if I tried to explain they wouldn't understand. From time to time, I wonder....should I tell someone? Should I let someone in? Buuuut....I convince myself not to do so. Why should I? Why should I burden others? In the end, I know it really won't do me any good. No one can make that feeling about myself go away.....no one can help me to ever feel like I can really "fit in".....no one can wave a magic wand my way and make all the bad in my life disappear. What good would it do? IN THE MOMENT it may feel like a weight's been lifted off of my shoulder....finally getting something off my chest. But in the end, I'm still on my own, left to battle the demons on my own.........and eventually, once the 'newness' of letting someone in wears off, it'll seem as though that person feels as though they have to walk on eggshells around me. I don't want that. That'll just bother me even more. *sigh* So, what does one do? There's no help here that exists, at least not the kind I think I need.... It just sucks. I'm terrified of everything at this point. I just don't feel I have it in me. Certain things can provide relief to a degree.....but it doesn't seem to be enough lately. "normal ways" of taking your mind off of something doesn't necessarily seem to work for me. The thoughts just keep flooding my head, and won't shut up! Which is the point I just start thinking of ways in which I could numb the pain...shut up the thoughts. But those are not good ways. I'm trying so hard not to completely sabotage myself...to not completely destroy myself. But sometimes I can't help it. I fall back. And lately I just keep slipping. I'm afraid I'm going to fall completely down one of these days. It's that slippery slope. And sometimes it feels as though I'm trying to climb a very muddy hill in a torrential downpour... ugh....I'm sounding dumb...not making sense....blah, blah, blah... I just wish it would all go away. But I also know that that is just a wish that'll never be granted. Most likely, these are all life-long issues I will be dealing with. Perhaps that's what's most crushing. There is no end. I have these therapy tracks that I listen to....about changing your thoughts. I listen to them while I go for walks....yet, even then, my own thoughts don't shut up. I don't necessarily agree with the info that's being offered to me. I still can't see what worth I have. I lack ability. I just don't see very much good to me, and what I do see just doesn't seem to matter. It doesn't get me anywhere. And if I can't ever communicate with others properly, how am I ever going to be able to do anything? I am just too awkward. And too stupid. I just don't know what to do. I've felt this way for forever and these feelings don't seem as though they'll ever go away. I'm not supposed to be thinking like this....or even communicating this probably. Supposedly I'm supposed to find some sort of "distraction" to ignore these thoughts. But they are just always there no matter what, popping up at anytime. I can't get rid of them. I know what I need to do. I'm just scared and don't feel capable. ugh, I know....such a pathetic excuse! JUST DO SOMETHING, DAMMIT! I'm tired. Well, I should be tired....and I should go to bed. I've got myself all keyed up, though. So much for changing shifts in an attempt to sleep more "normal" hours. Anyway, please excuse this. Sorry for poisoning the forum with negativity. Again. Hopefully I'll delete it eventually...after I start feeling stupid for sharing these thoughts. I know I can't get any "solutions" to my problems. Which is precisely why I don't feel like I should even really try talking about them anymore. It's just the same sh*t over and over....and over again.
|
|
|
Post by geekguy on Sept 22, 2010 4:54:17 GMT -5
Please don't, otherwise how are we supposed to help you? Need to take some time to read through this... Ok, now I've read all of it. I'm not going to try and address everything you've said but I would like to focus on the main bits and point out a few things. You talk about letting someone in, which I think is absolutely the best thing you can do right now. When you say that you know it won't do you any good, you're effectively shooting yourself down before you give yourself a chance. There's nothing to be ashamed of letting someone in to your situation so that they may lend a hand. I have a friend that I confide in on a regular basis about some of the fuck-ups that I perceive in my life, and he doesn't have to tip-toe around me because of it. Right now, I genuinely want to lend you a hand the way my friend lent me a hand just a few weeks ago. Would you deny me this because you 'assume' it won't work? Obviously I live on the other side of the planet but the Internet is wondrous after all. I want to draw attention to your signature quickly too. - "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."----Plato - This is exactly right. Not everyone fights the SAME battle but everyone fights a battle of some sort. My friend that lives a few days drive north of me, has 0 friends up where he lives, has nothing to do, and though I think he won't admit it, is quite depressed. His only way to draw attention away from his situation is video games. My other friend has very rich successful parents, a luxurious house, all the gadgets etc, fancy car yada yada. Think he's happy? He is actually not, and is prone to being depressed because of how stressful his life is due to his parents forcing a heavily materialistic way of living upon him, which he lives out but never finds real happiness from because to him happiness is buying more shit. I am truly worried about that family. We all have a battle, mine is coping with chronic depression whilst living in a world with ideals I despise, with people who don't understand me and are unwilling to change their thinking slightly to try and see the world through my eyes (parents included, I wished they were dead the other day and as bad as that sounds I meant it, at least at the time), and longing for an existence where I can just go about my day peacefully with as minimal stress as possible. It's not the most insane dilemma in the world, but it has its moments that's for sure. Your battle is slightly harder to clearly define with less than 1 paragraph, but it will be easier if you do let us in and allow us time to fully flesh out the things that burden you. When someone comes offering to listen to your plight and try to help you however they can, you aren't just lumping all your burdens onto them by letting them in, and they won't run away or not help you (unless they're really shitty friends to be honest, and I know a couple of people like that who just get on my nerves). The choice to do so is ultimately yours, but I have to ask of you to please let us in to allow us to help. Just being able to talk to someone about things is actually really helpful. I don't want to suddenly take the focus to myself too much but I would like to use this example: About only a week ago, I was feeling very suicidal. My train of thought had spiralled out of control about how worthless my existence has been, how I'm not going anywhere, how I'll never live up to my brother etc, and this, combined with probably my hormones, as well as recent events, made me feel ridiculously sick and paralysed with fear and regret. I opened msn, and told my friend everything that was going on. He proceeded to talk me down, point out all the areas of my rant where I was actually quite wrong, and just generally soothe me until I could think clearly again and realize "It's not nearly as bad as I thought it was." We addressed the triggers to this and helped me to come up with a plan on how to deal with the few things that actually were problems and now I am feeling better again. Because I let my friend help me, I am now ok again for the time being. That's the last Im going to talk about that but in the end, your choice to accept help or not. I can relate to this a lot. If I have something that I know I need to do, I will decide to do it tomorrow or something like that. The best way, though cliche, is to stop yourself and say "Lets do it NOW," and yes this has worked for me before. And honestly you say you don't think you're capable but you are (and think to yourself as you read that "oh he's just saying that" because I know you will think that ). If we just go for it we are capable of anything really, which is why more and more I'm leaning towards taking some sort of new unique career direction involving video games because f*** it, I like games, I'll work with games, end of discussion. You're a young, attractive (yes you are, really!), intelligent woman with a blank slate where anything can be written should you pick up the chalk. Haha maybe I'm starting to overdo these metaphors and cliches now but whatever this is my (hopefully) helpful post and I'll do what I want! Umm I'm not actually sure at this point what other specific points to address buuuuuuuut just try and relax I guess for now. Slow deep breathes and consciously release the tension in your muscles. Your brain cannot relax properly until your body is relaxed so just take a breather, relax your muscles and relax your mind. Think about nothing and just feel tranquil for a while. Being out amongst nature helps too. Anyway, I think I'll wrap this up here. I have to get to work so I'll be gone for about 8-9 hours (5 hour shift + the travel and prep time) but I will be on msn when I get home if you want to be online and talk (Just remember my timezone is +8 GMT, and I get home at about 3am which is 8 hours from now)
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Sept 24, 2010 3:52:26 GMT -5
oh my.....it's so weird. I posted this just 2 days ago, and already while going back over it I think I sound like a total psycho freak. Wondering what the hell possessed me the past couple of days. Why does that happen? Because when I woke up yesterday....and started going about the day as usual, trying to put the day before (which was me in a fog) past me, I started feeling sliiiiiightly better. Not as crazy. A little more sane. Right now, I feel.........ok, I guess. My ok. The okay I'm used to. Somewhat sane. :S But the strange thing is, is that nothing has actually changed. I can still go back and read that and agree with what I said, but my mood is different now than at the time I wrote that.....not as terribly tortured. Still bummed that I am still me, but a bit more calm. Granted, I didn't exactly cope properly and totally screwed up the day before, though. So, I don't know. Why do I get possessed like that? It's as though something else is in control of me sometimes. Which is a scary thought. Anyway....yeah.....atm, I'm slightly better. Thanks for your response gg, I do appreciate it. I really do feel though, that my problems are beyond normal help. I know there are people I can come online to talk to, and that can be a very comforting thing, but I've really just talked/analyzed my problems to death already. When it comes to actual change, I know that it all comes down to me....forcing myself out into the world. Which is what I'm struggling with. I can't seem to get it together to even try. I really need a new job. My current job is driving me mad. Been there 2 years and can't understand how some of the other workers have been there as long as they have. I know it's bad when I leave work and the instant I get in the car, I have the urge to scream. :S But the isolation in general is the worst--it is driving me even more insane. I am amazed at how I've managed to become as isolated from the world as I have. I need to find ways to connect with people in the real world. This should really be my #1 goal. (how fantastic it is to fear that very thing, though : I once saw a counselor who said to me that "it sounds as though you're trying to rub yourself out of existence..." or something like that. That just randomly came back into my mind the other day, and it seems so true in a way. Not that I'm intentionally doing, but it's just happening because of how I avoid everything. Yesterday, I was also thinking....gosh, does anyone really even know me? Like my family. I don't think they're very aware of what's going on with me (obviously, because I don't go around expressing my problems). And I've realized......I define myself by my problems. Who am I without these problems? I really don't know. I've become so consumed with all my issues, I really don't see any other side to me. :S Which seems incredibly sad. Surely, I am more than my problems? But I'm not sure what else there is to me. But in realizing that....I really don't think any of my family members really know me. I can only wonder what they might think of me. Or maybe they don't think of me at all. Everyone seems so busy. But yeah....if I disappeared tomorrow, I don't think anyone would know for quite some time. Which is kind of a scary thought, even though I fantasize about that very thing sometimes. It's just that, I'm really not connected with anyone here in the town I'm living in. There's no one around to care. Come to think of it....I do even have extended family in town, I just hardly ever see them or communicate with them. Speaking of which, I do have a family gathering sort of thing coming up soon that I've been worried about. Maybe that's the trigger for setting me off lately. bleh...seems totally ridiculous, though. Anyway, I've just gotten to a stage where I feel like nothing and feel as though there is nothing in my life, that it's going nowhere. I'm having trouble figuring out what there is to look forward to. My mind can just develop such a cynical attitude and lately, I've been wondering if there is anything to truly look forward to....as though, somehow, every single thing in life is at least slightly overrated. It sort of doesn't help going back home, because my dad seems to have gotten very negative. Not to blame him or anything, but I do think it's rubbed off on me some. :S Ah well, I suppose it's the depressive symptoms, too. I don't know.....I really didn't intend to write too much more. oops :S Life is just massively frustrating. But that's just the way it is, I guess. No way around it but to figure out how to deal with it. A continuing process.
|
|
|
Post by Stranger on Sept 26, 2010 3:02:38 GMT -5
I once saw a counselor who said to me that "it sounds as though you're trying to rub yourself out of existence..." or something like that. That just randomly came back into my mind the other day, and it seems so true in a way. Not that I'm intentionally doing, but it's just happening because of how I avoid everything. Yesterday, I was also thinking....gosh, does anyone really even know me? Like my family. I don't think they're very aware of what's going on with me (obviously, because I don't go around expressing my problems). And I've realized......I define myself by my problems. Who am I without these problems? I really don't know. I've become so consumed with all my issues, I really don't see any other side to me. :S Which seems incredibly sad. Surely, I am more than my problems? But I'm not sure what else there is to me. But in realizing that....I really don't think any of my family members really know me. I can only wonder what they might think of me. Or maybe they don't think of me at all. Everyone seems so busy. That's a pretty big realization. How would you "define" others? By what they do? What they're interested in? What they feel strongly about? Their personality? Whatever it is, could you use the same questions to define yourself? I understand what you mean; reflecting on one's own problems enough to the point where it's the #1 thing on your mind is definitely past the point of being constructive. Perhaps you could allow yourself a couple of hours a day for this sort of inward reflection, but then try to preoccupy your mind for the rest of the day with something else? Not to trivialize what you're going through. In fact, I've often wanted to say something in reply to your posts, but never really known how to respond. I guess I tend to avoid giving a generic "hang in there" type reply only 'cause I feel I'd find it frustrating if people said that to me, lol. But if it means anything: please do hang in there!
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Sept 27, 2010 1:37:39 GMT -5
I once saw a counselor who said to me that "it sounds as though you're trying to rub yourself out of existence..." or something like that. That just randomly came back into my mind the other day, and it seems so true in a way. Not that I'm intentionally doing, but it's just happening because of how I avoid everything. Yesterday, I was also thinking....gosh, does anyone really even know me? Like my family. I don't think they're very aware of what's going on with me (obviously, because I don't go around expressing my problems). And I've realized......I define myself by my problems. Who am I without these problems? I really don't know. I've become so consumed with all my issues, I really don't see any other side to me. :S Which seems incredibly sad. Surely, I am more than my problems? But I'm not sure what else there is to me. But in realizing that....I really don't think any of my family members really know me. I can only wonder what they might think of me. Or maybe they don't think of me at all. Everyone seems so busy. That's a pretty big realization. How would you "define" others? By what they do? What they're interested in? What they feel strongly about? Their personality? Whatever it is, could you use the same questions to define yourself? That is a really good question. I was wondering the same thing as I wrote it. In one way, it seems it should be a simple question, but on the other hand, I wonder if there can ever really be a satisfying way to answer it. Maybe it's just my head and the way I think about things...overthinking. It's probably simple for other people? I don't know. Some people certainly appear to have it all together, though. But...hmm... I think when I wrote it, I was just thinking more along the lines of interests. I don't feel like a very well-developed person. My problems seem to have interfered with growth. And they've prevented me....or I've prevented myself, I guess you could say ....from fully developing in all areas of life. Even with hobbies, I've always either been slightly interested in something but never gave myself the chance to try it (or let fear stand in the way) or I just didn't keep up with anything (sometimes for the same reason: fear). ugh. And I just let it continue on it seems. And now it's to the point that I question whether or not I fully enjoy anything. There's a lot out there, too...maybe too much, and I'm not so sure where to begin. It's like I haven't even been able to rule stuff out. :S I know it sounds crazy...how can a person not even be sure of what interests them? Low mood and low self-esteem probably, assuming I wouldn't be good at anything anyway...so why even try to like anything. Dumb. I understand what you mean; reflecting on one's own problems enough to the point where it's the #1 thing on your mind is definitely past the point of being constructive. Perhaps you could allow yourself a couple of hours a day for this sort of inward reflection, but then try to preoccupy your mind for the rest of the day with something else? yeah, you're definitely right. Problem is....is that currently I spend basically 99.99% of my time on my own...alone with my crazy thoughts. Driving myself nuts. :S Currently living alone, kind of away from close family, and with a job that consists of no interaction with others basically. I've really dug myself quite the hole. I just need to find something new (?) and go for it............ Not to trivialize what you're going through. In fact, I've often wanted to say something in reply to your posts, but never really known how to respond. I guess I tend to avoid giving a generic "hang in there" type reply only 'cause I feel I'd find it frustrating if people said that to me, lol. But if it means anything: please do hang in there! yeah, no worries. I definitely appreciate your response. In writing this stuff, I knew not much could be said in response and so didn't really expect to get any at all. I think I mainly want to feel like I'm being heard in some way. Bottle up and then explode in some way, is what it seems I've done. :S So many questions, yet so few answers...and I know the answers that I need will probably have to ultimately come from me at some point. Hopefully I'll get things figured out anyway! But yeah, thanks again, Stranger. . . . Surely, I am more than my problems? But I'm not sure what else there is to me. But in realizing that....I really don't think any of my family members really know me. I can only wonder what they might think of me. Or maybe they don't think of me at all. Everyone seems so busy. I figure I should correct myself here. I'm not being very fair at all, and this weekend proved that to me. I don't give my family enough credit. To begin with, I haven't let them in in the first place, so they couldn't possibly know what's going on. But I realize they do care about me, and I know they'd help me in any way if they could. I just know that they can't really. While I know they are there, we still have to lead separate lives.
|
|
|
Post by Stranger on Oct 9, 2010 17:14:42 GMT -5
I think when I wrote it, I was just thinking more along the lines of interests. I don't feel like a very well-developed person. My problems seem to have interfered with growth. And they've prevented me....or I've prevented myself, I guess you could say ....from fully developing in all areas of life. Even with hobbies, I've always either been slightly interested in something but never gave myself the chance to try it (or let fear stand in the way) or I just didn't keep up with anything (sometimes for the same reason: fear). ugh. And I just let it continue on it seems. And now it's to the point that I question whether or not I fully enjoy anything. There's a lot out there, too...maybe too much, and I'm not so sure where to begin. It's like I haven't even been able to rule stuff out. :S I know it sounds crazy...how can a person not even be sure of what interests them? Low mood and low self-esteem probably, assuming I wouldn't be good at anything anyway...so why even try to like anything. Dumb. I think I can understand it. When one thing doesn't stand out more than the rest, it's hard to decide what you want to get into more. I guess the important thing is to try something. Preferrably one thing at a time, too, like maybe pick something each month to explore more, and eventually something might catch on. Actually I feel like my interests are too narrow at the moment; maybe I'll try that, lol. As for fear, I like to think everyone has their own fears. The successful ones just manage to do what they want in the face of it all. You've probably heard those sayings like "bravery is doing things in the face of fear" or "feeling the fear and doing it anyway." I think it's really true, and we could all benefit enormously from taking that to heart. yeah, you're definitely right. Problem is....is that currently I spend basically 99.99% of my time on my own...alone with my crazy thoughts. Driving myself nuts. :S Currently living alone, kind of away from close family, and with a job that consists of no interaction with others basically. I've really dug myself quite the hole. I just need to find something new (?) and go for it............ Yeah, being alone certainly provides a good breeding ground for "crazy thoughts." It'd be good to find some way to get a bit more contact with people - hard as it is.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Oct 17, 2010 2:04:33 GMT -5
OMG, OMG, OMG...... yeah, I've not done anything yet. uuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhh and just noticed it's been very close to a month since I started this thread. Already. Seriously? man oh man....I am so scared for myself. I HAVE WASTED SO MUCH TIME. And I just keep letting more and more slip away. I need an answer as to what I should do as the next step. AND YET, NOTHING. I think of various things that I could do............but then I just keep thinking I'm not even capable of anything whatsoever. Go back to school? but for what.....whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? AHHHH. And would that seriously help anyway....if I don't know what I want..... Last weekend I tried to sit down and really, really think about what I'd love to do. Well, no specific answer as always.....but through brainstorming and making a few lists and writing a few things down.....I did realize the only thing that's ever stuck out to me. The only thing that means anything to me at all...the only thing that ever makes me feel as though I have a purpose. And that is.........to help people in some way. I like being of assistance to others. It makes me feel useful in some sort of way. If I don't feel like I'm being of help to others, I have nothing...I don't feel good about myself. I feel useless and pointless, which is probably why I've been slowly going insane...all throughout my life really, but even more so now, considering how isolated I am at the moment. But does that even freakin' make any sense with the way that I am? I am very introverted, at the extreme end (must be)...and incredibly reserved by nature. Add shyness/social anxiety to that.....and....umm.....how could I ever survive a really social type of job? Yet that's the only type that would ever give me meaning? Honestly, with the way things are now with me, I almost wish I didn't care about people....that helping people wasn't something that interests me. I don't know.....I sort of wish that I loved something that just didn't involve people so much. Yeah, it'd be enabling myself again.......but then, I sort of wish I'd just be content with that, with the way I am. But I'm not. Sooooooooo.......... I guess this so called life is always going to be a difficult road. Oh....woe is me. As though it's not difficult for everyone else. Sorry people, for all this negative crap I keep spouting off. I just don't know what to do with myself. And am feeling so very frustrated with myself. *sigh* ugh....reading that back over....just brings me back to the thought of....wtf is wrong with me, seriously? This seems waaay beyond what is normal, even for others with SA. I still come back to the thought that I have an avoidant personality--like I was broken to begin with and can't be repaired. But then I think all these labels are very dangerous and that stupid self-fulfilling prophecy concept comes to mind. But man......the way I've been, the way I've avoided things and continue to avoid things just scares the hell out of me. I don't even know how I've managed to avoid so much up to this point. I amaze myself in not so good ways. Seriously wish I wouldn't have completely wasted these past 4 years at college. If anyone out there younger than me is reading this and feeling similar in avoidance and still has the opportunties available....DO SOMETHING NOW. For real. Just do something...a study group, a club, volunteer. Start making connections as soon as you can. Because now graduated with a crappy degree and no connections really is a HORRIBLE feeling. I just feel even more stupid and pathetic for it now than ever before. Because now I'm faced with the consequences. YAY!!!!!!! Sorry again.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Nov 22, 2010 2:59:03 GMT -5
hmm....dunno what this is really. My "endless, pathetic ranting thread" that I said I'd create a long time ago? Perhaps. Or did I already say that somewhere in my crazy ranting from above? Probably. All my thoughts anymore are probably just recycled. Somewhat random, but have just been thinking... In my Psychology of Personality class...that I took last Spring, I believe...for obvious reasons, neurotism was brought up. Okay, so I inspired myself to go through some of my old papers, so that I could confirm what I was thinking as accurate......am very tired tonight, so I'm not so sure this will make too much sense, but oh well.... Anyway, I had remembered her (my teacher) talking about the difference between 'who you want to be' and 'who you actually are' or rather....the "ideal self" vs. the "real self." And that the difference...or incongruence...is what creates neurosis. And this was demonstrated by creating two circles....in one you would write all the things you wish you were and in the other you would write all the things you actually are. And linking the two together, hopefully there is some congruence.....or.....in other words, normalcy. And I was just thinking about this....furthering depressing myself.....and realize that my "ideal self" is very, very far off from my "real self." And I have to wonder.....is it possible for me to make a complete 180 degree turn on my life? Ok....so there's a warning against perfectionism, too. Maybe not a complete 180 degree turn, I definitely don't expect myself to ever be the life of a party! (nor would I even really want to really) But still.....the things I wish, the things I admire in other people....the qualities and characteristics that I wish I had......just seem so far off. And it's devastating. In this class, I had also taken an online test over the 'five dimensions of personality'.....Neuroticism was one of them. And you know what? Surprise, surprise....I scored like fantastically high on every single freakin' facet/subdivision of it (anxiety, anger, depression, self-consciousness, immoderation, and vulnerability). To be quite honest, the anger facet (tho my 'lowest' score of the facets) probably surprised me most of all. Never had considered myself to be an angry person really (though I had figured out it's kind of counteracted by my high agreeableness score). And I suppose depression has been known to be "anger turned inward"...soo...yeah. I don't know. Anyway...why am I doing this again? Why am I trying to analyze myself? When I know it's not going to work? I've done it enough. I know where I stand with all my shit. I know I have to take action. I'm just going over the same thoughts over and over and over and over again....and it's just tiring me out. Wearing me down. I'm beating myself up. What do I need? An answer? A reason to ship my butt of to the nearest mental institution so I don't have to deal with any crap anymore? This little rant or elaboration or whatever it is I'm doing is not even heading in the direction I thought it was. Again. I'm very strange. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I BELONG. Anywhere. Where do I fit in? I just don't know. And it's scary. Frightening. To feel like....I just, don't know who I am? Where I'm headed? To not know what I even want anymore? To feel like everything's pointless? To just think, my god...someone just shoot me already? I scored exceptionally low on self-efficacy (confidence in one's ability to accomplish things). And you know....that is such an important thing. And I've recognized this a lot lately in myself. All throughout college really....trying to pick out a major, a career path...hell, even in choosing from simple jobs that are out there available to pursue. I just don't feel capable of anything, even the simplest of tasks really. I feel like a complete moron. How can I go out into the world with all these negative feelings? I've felt this way my entire life. I've never truly felt good at anything. I've never been good at interacting with people. I've never believed in myself. I've always, always, wanted to be someone else....to possess the confidence and postive qualities I've seen in others. And I know, I know, I know.........I should not be going over these thoughts in my head all the time. I know, it's come a time when I have to put the past away and move on and just try very, very hard to get myself out of this rut....to take one little step out of my comfort zone....to just do something, anything....to stop this ridiculous madness. I'm so tired right now. In every way possible. Exhausted. I really need to start getting to sleep earlier. What the hell did I just write? ugh. I'm just so mad at myself. I'm sick of being me, feeling completely worthless and detached from the vast majority of people. I need to find a way to get connected. Same crap said, a billion times over. When's it gonna stop? Or rather, when will I make it stop? I am so tired.... *sigh*...Another useless rant!
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 1, 2011 4:37:26 GMT -5
^ Thank you very much for your response...
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Feb 10, 2011 13:50:08 GMT -5
After reading everything that you have posted here in this topic Strawberry ( and they are not useless rants, quite the contrary ), I find myself surprised because there are a number of things in which I can recognize myself.
I do not know if it is the same for you, but there are moments where I indeed feel like what you have written on your first post and then there are other moments where I feel not quite good but almost and as such my mood can often change multiple times in the same day. Are those only mood swings or something worse ? I don't know and I'm not sure I want to...
Another thing we seem to be having in common is the need to help others. I have been ( and still am ) a loner for almost nine years and yet, if and when I can help others I do it without second thought. I also appreciate when I can make others laugh with jokes because if I can help others feel better when I can't, I must be worth something...
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 12, 2011 5:22:09 GMT -5
Thank you for the response, Grayback! I am very sorry to hear you can relate, though. I do not know if it is the same for you, but there are moments where I indeed feel like what you have written on your first post and then there are other moments where I feel not quite good but almost and as such my mood can often change multiple times in the same day. Are those only mood swings or something worse ? I don't know and I'm not sure I want to... hmm...it's hard to say. My mood really can vary, just depending. It's mostly on what's going on...life circumstances and how I'm perceiving things at the time. Which I suppose is sort of normal? I mean, if something good happens, I tend to be able to feel okay or decent at least (unless I'm having some sort of major depressive episode) and then when something bad happens, I of course sink back into feeling not so great. Actually, I'm most consistently feeling at a low mood, though. I suppose it depends on how extreme the mood differences are, perhaps, the reason for them (esp. if there seems to be no apparent reason) and how it affects you. Actual mood disorders are what make it tricky, though, and that's where you'd want to seek help. I do have problems with major depression now and again (though, over this past year, I'm convinced exercise has seriously helped me from sinking into another episode). I still think I may have something along the lines of atypical depression or dysthymia, though. Another big reason for mood fluctuations, I think, for me at least, is in my thinking. I can get pretty moody/emotional...and certain days just feel really irritable. Varying things may contribute. But a big deal is in how I perceive things...what I'm thinking about at the time...how negative my mind is being and whatnot. It is something that can potentially be changed, I suppose...but it just takes A LOT of work/energy to try and change thoughts. That's what I find for myself, anyway. And I've been struggling with this a great deal...for all my life, really, lol. But yeah, sometimes my mood feels somewhat stable...then my mind gets racing for whatever reason, and that itself can just yank me down. :S I'm not sure what to say about it that can help you, though. I think if you are worried about it, maybe you can see someone about it and get some sort of assessment done? When I think of going from one extreme to the next, I think of bipolar disorder...or its mild version: cyclothymia. Something maybe worth checking into. If it were extreme, it's probably better to know what it is, so that you could try to get help for it. (I feel like a hypocrite, though, because I don't necessarily get real treatment for any of my issues...) The way you explained it, though, it doesn't seem as though you have the extremes, so I bet neither of these apply to you. Maybe you are just more similar to what I experience. Another thing we seem to be having in common is the need to help others. I have been ( and still am ) a loner for almost nine years and yet, if and when I can help others I do it without second thought. I also appreciate when I can make others laugh with jokes because if I can help others feel better when I can't, I must be worth something...Of course you're worth something! Only I'm allowed to hate on myself!
|
|
|
Post by Grayback on Feb 13, 2011 5:21:08 GMT -5
I have thought about bipolar disorder too ( that's in fact what I meant when I said something worse ) but I don't think my mood swings are that extreme and, like you, I'm much more often in a low mood than in a good one.
I suppose it's more probably a type of depression and, searching the web it could indeed be a Major depression, especially since there have been antecedent in my family. I don't feel like seeing someone for it though because talking can help for a moment but it never lasts for very long... ( I did see someone during my high school years so I talk from my own experience but perhaps it can help others ? )
As for antidepressants, no thanks, the person in my family that used to suffer from major depressive disorder had those and it didn't help her as she had to take more and more of the pills to feel better and it became an addiction. Anyway, she eventually managed to get better but only thanks to her strength of will...
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on May 8, 2011 4:33:37 GMT -5
SSDD....or for those who don't know...."Same Shit, Different Day" That pretty much sums up my life. It's nearing about 8 months now since I first started this thread. And guess what........................................I'm pretty much still in the same damn situation. Nothing's changed. It's really no wonder, though, as I've basically done nothing to change. I'm just in this routine. Of not doing very much. Or just doing basic stuff and not getting anything figured out about my life. I'm losing time in deciding stuff. I know I don't have forever. Seriously wish I wouldn't have completely wasted these past 4 years at college. If anyone out there younger than me is reading this and feeling similar in avoidance and still has the opportunties available....DO SOMETHING NOW. For real. Just do something...a study group, a club, volunteer. Start making connections as soon as you can. Because now graduated with a crappy degree and no connections really is a HORRIBLE feeling. I just feel even more stupid and pathetic for it now than ever before. Because now I'm faced with the consequences. YAY!!!!!!! I'm very close now to being a year past my college graduation. Do I even need to state how completely pathetic I feel for the position that I'm in right now? Meh. I really may as well just go around the forum quoting myself everywhere. I don't have much new to say, which is partly why I haven't posted all that much in recent months. What's the point in saying something that's been said a billion times over? I'm really lonely. I'm really sad. I don't know where I'm going. I have like, no career drive whatsoever. Just, meh. I lead a very quiet life. Perhaps as quiet as it can get without being some sort of monk, or something. I was invited to take part in a wedding, though...so, I've partly had that to occupy my mind in recent months. It's at least a bit of proof that I've apparently meant something to someone I know in real life. I think that's helped me a lot lately actually. But after that takes place, I just don't know. Lots of decisions I need to be making. Decisions I really don't want to make. I don't really have any answers for myself. Now this is feeling pointless, lol. I've not be journaling at all for a long while now. And I don't even feel like I rant too terribly much here anymore. It's weird. I guess it's just gotten to a point where it doesn't necessarily help me anymore. At least not much. Analysis has all been done. I just basically go about my days with a big..."MEH" feeling. Or "bleh." All routine. Very, very boring. Which reminds me of something.... I used to (since high school) be very into Avril Lavigne's music....pre-whatever that song was.."Girlfriend"? (found that song hella annoying and so never bothered with her recent albums). But I loved/still love some of her old stuff. And STILL relate to it really....even as young as some of her songs sound!! But yeah, one of my favorites is: Anything But Ordinary - Avril Lavigne And my theme song, basically: Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne Awesome songs that have struck a chord with me personally. I love music. It's always, always there. And now it's past 4 AM. Well, I've successfully pissed away yet another day. *sigh* I'm going to wake up tomorrow/today hating myself (again) for being completely nonproductive (yet again).
|
|
1229
Full Member
Posts: 182
|
Post by 1229 on May 8, 2011 10:10:23 GMT -5
I'll bet that that's actually just one example OF MANY where you mean something to someone. I know it's really easy to buy into the feeling of wasting time and just kinda drifting along without any purpose or feeling "meh" about anything. I think a lot of us here can relate to that, I know I certainly can. With that in mind, there's comfort (and safety in numbers. Maybe something you're saying here has really helped someone who can't bring themselves (for whatever reason) to post or de-lurk and join in. So even though on the surface it doesn't seem like you're being helpful, you never know what's going on behind the scenes. And this applies to real life as well. Just keep moving... forward, sideways... backward (sometimes one step back helps you leap two steps forward).
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on May 11, 2011 4:47:53 GMT -5
^ Thanks for the positivity, 1229.
|
|