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Post by Strawberry on Jun 23, 2014 21:30:28 GMT -5
Well. I have a similar thought process. Like you, I don't think I'll ever be happy. I'm yet to find a passion. I'm yet to find something to pour my heart into. I have yet to find people to be with. I believe my point of view is so tainted that I see the negative in all things. Sometime, I think I am in a continuous state of depression. I do believe world isn't fair. And the society is even less fair. There was a whole period of time where I thought only of all that was wrong. All that wasn't made for our well-being but only for money and other stuff like that. In the end, even without thinking about that my life isn't worth it. ^^ I don't want any children. I don't want anyone to receive my cursed genes or to live what I live or worse. For those who have children and mess up... Well, I'm thinking parents should receive a diploma before being allowed to procreate. Well. I hope you haven't caught anything nasty. A bit tipsy here. I hope I didn't write anything (too) strange. Cheers. Nah, nothing strange to me. And, regardless, I think some tipsy people are kind of the best anyway. Many people have kids who don't deserve them, that's for sure. I can't even stand to think of the various horrible ways some kids get treated by their own parents. Through my job even, I've heard a lot of stories, and it just sickens me. I really hate thinking about that stuff. :S I felt a teeeeeeensy bit better the day following this. Lately, I just seem very sleep-deprived, which is only worsening my mood...I think this is currently the main component. But I apparently like being mean to myself, considering I can't seem to get myself to bed at a decent time. Like now...I told myself I'd be in bed around 9ish, at least...and I still need to shower....and tear myself away from my comp...and stuff. ugh...hopefully by 10:30 tonight. Anyway, I appreciate your response.
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Post by puppet on Jun 24, 2014 3:02:21 GMT -5
I wish I was one of those people. But drinking makes me sleepy. Anyway, it's nice to read you are a teensy bit better. ^^ Yes. Being sleep-deprived is a big component to my mood too. I tend to sleep a lot when I can just to compensate for my daily life. Even though it feels like throwing time away, I think less that way. I know that well. It's hard to go to sleep knowing what's coming tomorrow. Well, at least in my case. I don't know if it is the same for others. With time, I've disciplined myself to sleep early. it is still hard from time to time when I'm feeling down. My pleasure. ^^
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Post by Outcast on Jun 25, 2014 12:04:17 GMT -5
I think being content and appreciating what you have is a good first step to developing a positive attitude/view towards life in general and being happy. I think this is what most people with sickness, cancers and disabilities do. While the opposite of which, that of thinking/looking at what you don't have in life and comparing yourself with others is a sure way of making yourself feel sorry and sad for yourself. Unless of course, you decide to do something about it.
But i know that appreciating what we have, and appreciating the simple things in life are somewhat passive ways of going about it. When we still feel down about life, it's probably because you want something more. And i think it would help if you can write what those things are for you to review and try to think of ways on how to achieve them. The hard part now is in maintaining the discipline and the desire to keep doing those steps one step at a time. It requires a lot of work and patience to do it, but i believe that most people who are successful and happy in life go through this as well. Even if it's just one step, the simple fact that you know you are trying to do something about it is enough reason to feel good about yourself.
Acceptance is word i find helpful. Accepting life's ups and downs. Accepting whatever life may throw at us and just trying to roll with the punches. I believe we need to be more adapatable not only physically but emotionally as well. It's a method i've learned to use to overcome the certain stress, fears and worries in life. It also helps to combine this sometimes with a positive and hopeful attitude towards everything.
But i also think that happiness is a choice. It's either we choose to be happy and positive or we let ourselves succumb easily to sadness and depression. But if you make this commitment to yourself that you want to have a positive and happy view of your life, i believe you will find the strength to do whatever it takes to block those feelings of sadness and depression before they can even start. Well, it also helps to know that feeling sad or depress doesn't really do you any good but on the contrary will only make things worse.
Another way i've found that helps me feel good about myself is to do some regular exercise daily. Some say there's a scientific explanation for this. It's said that when you exercise, your body produces these hormones to fight/counter other hormones like cortisol which are produced in times of stress and so on. I'm no scientist or doctor, but i do think that it does help.
For depression, i would advice keeping yourself busy either doing work, something fun or just something interesting to keep your mind busy and not think about negative things. It's said that the mind has difficulty trying to think of two things at the same time. So i think that may help. What i do sometimes is i try to picture this blank wall in my mind. Imagining this blank wall sort of helps me clear my thoughts and prevents me from thinking of other things.
Lastly, remember to be good to yourself and take care of yourself. Don't neglect yourself and try to talk to some people when you can. When we're depressed, we usually neglect ourselves and prefer to be alone and not talk to people. So, by doing the opposite. You will be acting as if not depressed and they say our feelings sometimes follows our actions.
Hope that helps.
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Post by Strawberry on Jul 30, 2014 21:45:31 GMT -5
^ I had intended on responding to your post outcast. And I think I still will...I've done a little better these days than I have in the past. I might expand on this more later. An interesting little update: I recently met someone else in real life that I had initially encountered on this forum. That makes 4 people from this forum now. Whoooooo's neeeeeeeeext? You know...if anyone ever passes through Kansas...or even Denver/CO. The plus side there is that we could get high, Rocky Mountain style. HA.HA.HA (humorous to no one but myself, no doubt ) Or elsewhere. I love meeting people from here. A very surreal feeling, meant in a good way.
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Post by Outcast on Jul 31, 2014 10:39:27 GMT -5
I'm glad you're feeling a little better this time Strawberry. I think it's great that you were able to meet someone here in real life. Hope things continue for the best for you. Was your joke a reference to John Denver's song? Rocky Mountain High? I have an office mate who loves the song and John Denver of course. That's why i'm familiar with the song.
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Post by puppet on Jul 31, 2014 11:47:13 GMT -5
It must be nice to put a face and a voice on other members.
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Post by Strawberry on Aug 5, 2014 19:37:41 GMT -5
Was your joke a reference to John Denver's song? Rocky Mountain High? I have an office mate who loves the song and John Denver of course. That's why i'm familiar with the song. Well....it had several references for me... that song...cannabis (now that it's legalized there)... and simply just the general higher altitude there. ----------------------- At work today, a man that works there (obviously...) asked me something along the lines of (after asking how I was feeling): "...are you not happy? It seems to me you used to smile a lot more, and you don't seem to smile much any more." Thankfully other people walked in right away, since I basically wanted to burst into tears. And I could stare back at the computer, trying to work instead. Oh, the joy of semi-working with people who know psychiatric diagnoses...and know how to recognize mood/behavior. Considering I was upset when I read this article about the infamous bridge, because I see it as limiting my options for the future...I suppose I am not happy, though I've always known that. The one thing I'm surprised about is the fact that I apparently smiled enough at some point to make people think I was.
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Post by Outcast on Aug 7, 2014 10:43:58 GMT -5
I often get a somewhat similar reaction from some co-workers. Some of them think i'm too serious. And when it comes to smiling when my picture is being taken, i sometimes have a hard time trying to smile subtly. I do sometimes find myself cracking a few jokes here and there at work. But it usually depends on the person i'm interacting with. I react differently with those people i'm comfortable with, and those i'm not so comfortable with.
So i think it is possible that you could have smiled to some people more often compared to other people.
Try not to let what people say get to you though. Well, that's what i try to do nowadays. More or less i think all that negative thinking i did in the past came so naturally to me, probably because of my bad habit of doing so, and entertaining such thoughts. Currently though, i'm just more motivated to break that habit of mine.
I'm not sure why you are unhappy. But i hope that will change in the near future.
For me, happiness can also be achieved by appreciating what you have rather than focusing on the things that you don't have. I do understand that people will have their own dreams to aspire for. I think it's ok to have such desires too. But too much of anything can be bad. It can be a source of unhappiness and frustration if you become too attached to such desires. That's just me though. I've often been criticized by my father, brother and sister as having no ambition and easily contented. So i might be wrong in thinking this way. Don't get me wrong though, there are still some goals (though not as big/grand) that i would like to achieve some day. It's just that i try not to get too upset when i have trouble achieving them.
All i can say is, try not to think/dwell about the negative stuff. When i do think about problems, i try to think more in terms on what i can do to solve the problem.
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Post by Strawberry on Aug 10, 2014 18:03:36 GMT -5
I often get a somewhat similar reaction from some co-workers. Some of them think i'm too serious. And when it comes to smiling when my picture is being taken, i sometimes have a hard time trying to smile subtly. I do sometimes find myself cracking a few jokes here and there at work. But it usually depends on the person i'm interacting with. I react differently with those people i'm comfortable with, and those i'm not so comfortable with. So i think it is possible that you could have smiled to some people more often compared to other people. Try not to let what people say get to you though. Well, that's what i try to do nowadays. More or less i think all that negative thinking i did in the past came so naturally to me, probably because of my bad habit of doing so, and entertaining such thoughts. Currently though, i'm just more motivated to break that habit of mine. I'm not sure why you are unhappy. But i hope that will change in the near future. For me, happiness can also be achieved by appreciating what you have rather than focusing on the things that you don't have. I do understand that people will have their own dreams to aspire for. I think it's ok to have such desires too. But too much of anything can be bad. It can be a source of unhappiness and frustration if you become too attached to such desires. That's just me though. I've often been criticized by my father, brother and sister as having no ambition and easily contented. So i might be wrong in thinking this way. Don't get me wrong though, there are still some goals (though not as big/grand) that i would like to achieve some day. It's just that i try not to get too upset when i have trouble achieving them. All i can say is, try not to think/dwell about the negative stuff. When i do think about problems, i try to think more in terms on what i can do to solve the problem. Thank you for your thoughts, outcast. Dwelling on the past and negative thinking are certainly bad habits of mine. I don't know why I let such thinking nag at my brain. I think perhaps my biggest frustration at the moment is not knowing what I want. I'm all too capable of seeing the pros and cons to EVERYTHING. I hate it. I really do. There are times I've tried living in the moment...sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. :/ Sometimes, even if I feel I've thought something all the way through, it doesn't work out the way I imagine it to. Sometimes, I feel like I can't even predict my own reactions to things anymore. And often, I see things in such black-and-white terms. If I do *this*...it means I won't EVER be able to do *that.* ...and then the thoughts spiral with whatever life-changing decision I may or may not even ever make. Maybe it's not even just seeing black-and-white...it's also imagining all the possibilities--all the gray areas--that make me even more nuts. I drive myself crazy. Sometimes, I feel like my feelings can be kept under control/maintained...achieve at least a degree of mental stability...through diet and exercise. Especially exercise. When I'm doing really well and stay committed, it really does help. I can feel the difference so much. Lately, it hasn't been consistent enough, and I realize that. I feel it. I know it's something I'm going to have to keep up with, even if I end up not having the time to keep it up to the degree I'd like to. I don't know...it's weird for me. It's like...the length of time I workout and/or the intensity are what can keep the extremely depressive thoughts at bay. Even though, I've felt like...sometimes I reach an amount of time/intensity...and over time, it's as though I "level out" to a degree. The "high" can still be experienced, but it's not as intense as I first felt, if that makes sense...which then makes me believe I have to do more and more to achieve the same effect. I had gotten to the point of averaging about 90 minute workouts, noticing that I don't even feel that much of an effect (mental benefit) until about 45 minutes in. With work and other things, I haven't been consistent with this dedication lately. Maybe sharing this will make me feel more motivated to get with it again, on a more consistent basis. I've noticed I've had a shit ton of weird thoughts lately, though. Also, a few of the most bizarre, fucked-up dreams. :S But with the weird thinking...some if it's as though I'm addicted to drugs, even though I'm not. I've never used anything aside from alcohol. And while sometimes I think going out and getting wasted is much needed...I've also had thoughts of just picturing myself standing/sitting alone in a corner smoking a cigarette, though I've never even had one puff in my life. Not because I think it's a "cool" thing, but because I imagine myself just engaging in self-pity and deep thought and feeling rather pathetic much of the time (no offense to anyone is intended). Then again...I wonder if this thinking just makes me human. Average. Ordinary. And maybe I hate that a bit. Maybe I used to think I was somewhat "special" and above all of this. I remember jumping down someone's throat (for lack of a better phrase) on this very forum (several years ago), because they had shared that they were thinking of getting into using drugs. I couldn't at all understand why someone would *choose* to use drugs, hard drugs, under the knowledge that you can become extremely addicted to it. These thoughts, I'm probably overthinking...again. The more I think about it, the more it probably feeds them and makes me think there's a real desire there. Perhaps. Though I did realize one day a woman made a similar comment...she said something like..."I'm thinking of taking up smoking..." when a few people were around. When someone asked why, she stated, "Because I see these people coming back from their breaks, and they look like they feel so much better." I'm pretty sure she was joking, but I understood where she was coming from. Maybe I used to *know* drugs were used as an escape by many people. I've always recognized that. But I didn't really understand the thought of someone in their mid to late twenties (or later) actually choosing to try it or get into it. Growing up, you're only really informed about peer pressure. I think it's still a horrible decision. But I feel like I really understand it now (even if I really don't want to). The need to escape. The need for a high. The need to just check out because maybe you just don't care anymore...because you wonder what the point of anything is and get to believing there isn't one at all. I think these things are dumb on a conscious level. So, I don't know why I've had so many thoughts about them. I should consider myself lucky, as I mostly have gotten involved with mostly decent people who aren't involved in such activity. *ugh* I just hate my thoughts. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I should appreciate what I have now. I know things can change so rapidly. My father has said the same thing to me more than once, actually. I'm apparently very bad at this, though, and even recognizing this makes me feel really sad. Many of my thoughts make me feel nauseous. I am an idiot.
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Post by marle on Aug 10, 2014 21:19:08 GMT -5
I'm glad to hear that you're exercising, Strawberry. From everything that I've read/heard, it has a very positive impact on mental health and well being. Obviously you have experienced some benefit. It not only has short-term impact, but also long-term psychological benefits (If anyone is interested, there is a book on the subject titled Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain). I don't know...it's weird for me. It's like...the length of time I workout and/or the intensity are what can keep the extremely depressive thoughts at bay. Even though, I've felt like...sometimes I reach an amount of time/intensity...and over time, it's as though I "level out" to a degree. The "high" can still be experienced, but it's not as intense as I first felt, if that makes sense...which then makes me believe I have to do more and more to achieve the same effect. I had gotten to the point of averaging about 90 minute workouts, noticing that I don't even feel that much of an effect (mental benefit) until about 45 minutes in. Are the work-outs feeling easier to do? It makes sense to me that as you get more fit, there's less of a noticeable effect from the exercise. Over time you will need to increase the intensity of your workouts... When it comes to making important decisions, I do know what you mean to some extent about seeing the pros and cons to everything. For myself, it seems that I make those decisions after an extended period of time. At first, I am doing the conscious thinking of all the possible ramifications and feel confused. Then after awhile (how long this takes will vary) I start to settle on a decision. During this time I am not really consciously directing my thoughts, it is more that I am instinctually drawn to a choice. I think it is good to do both, to actively consider all the possibilities and their likelihoods, and then trust what your instinct is telling you the right decision is. At least that's been my experience.
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Post by Outcast on Aug 12, 2014 10:01:04 GMT -5
I think a lot of people have similar problems about not knowing what they want. Making life changing decisions are difficult because of the fact that there is that factor of change which almost all people have difficulty with. Being capable to see the pros and cons to everything doesn't seem that bad to me. I think it will only help you make the right kind of decisions. Though i think it all depends on what your priorities are. But i know even this can be difficult. I'm not really good at decision making myself. Well, like what Marle had said, i generally find the results favorable and more to my liking when i put some faith in myself in making those decisions which i think is right/good for me. Rather than following one, which i am uncertain with or have doubts with. In the end, it will be you who knows yourself, knows what you want and what's good for you. We know our body, our personality more than any other person. So it's only us who are in a better position to make the right decisions for ourselves eventually. Well, that's what i believe at the moment. It doesn't make it any less difficult, but i think we just have to trust ourselves on this. It's good to know that you have found exercising beneficial to you in some way. Staying committed to something does take a lot of work and patience. I usually find that setting some time for the things i would like to do, making a schedule or plan helps me get more things done compared to when i act or do things on impulse. I think thinking negatively, feeling sad or depressed is definitely what makes us human. But all of us i believe are unique and special in our own way. I don't particularly have much faith in using drugs to heal the body myself. Especially when it comes to treating depression and such. I believe it only makes things worse, and would advice more natural ways to overcome them. Like exercise, positive thinking, or doing things that capture your interest. Doing other things that interests us can be a form of escape as well. But like most things, this should have some form of control or limit. Too much of anything...well you know the saying. Negative thoughts, all of us have them i think. They can creep into our minds anytime. What i usually do is try to catch myself when i start doing it, and just cut it short. I just tell myself to stop and then try to think of other things or do other things to keep my mind from thinking about it more. These thoughts have the tendency to have this snowball effect if you let it go on. It might not always work, for instance if the cause of these thoughts are a person or environment you just can't get away from right there and there. But most of the time, i find that it works and helps me a lot. Yeah, try to make a habit of cutting those negative self talk off or interrupting them before they even have a chance to start or finish a sentence.
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Post by Strawberry on Dec 30, 2022 18:22:43 GMT -5
I'm sitting here; it's quiet. I want to say I'm not sure what to feel at the moment, but that's not quite right. SU is (or was) unique....it was a refuge, a lighthouse in the storm. I felt I had a voice – it was probably the only time (at the time) it felt like anything I said mattered, the only way I felt heard. Even then, I didn't realize, or think that the connections formed would be temporary (most anyway). I didn't realize the impact it had on me. I didn't think of it going away. I guess I thought it would always be here. I mean, it is, but it's not. What used to be is no more. I thought it would keep going somehow. In a way, I'm glad I'm not the only one that re-visits the site. What happened to those that used to frequent the site but never check in? I can only assume that's a good thing – I do hope they're well! I am glad I'm not the only one for whom SU meant a great deal. It really was a short-lived thing, wasn't it? So much time has passed since the beginning really. (It's nearly 19 years now since I first came here?!-- 2004, sometime) And yet I still check it every now and then. I thought by this age, things would be different (I mean, I guess they are – but not in the way I thought they would be!) – but I look at others' lives and also see that what you think you want, what you (or I, rather), thought entailed perfection, isn't always so anyway. As always, what works out for some, doesn't necessarily work out for others. Negative me wants to say nothing ever works out for me – but that isn't true really. Saying 'ALWAYS' is never accurate. And sometimes things work out, just differently. There are things that have occurred in my life for which I'm very grateful. It's been a while since I've done this, really. In the early times of SU, I did this a lot, -- sitting down with my thoughts, and in this house even, trying to formulate my thoughts in a well-written post before hitting 'send.' I'm struggling – but not in the way I expected. I'm at an age where people are typically married and/or have kids --- busy, busy. And yet, I feel busy anyway – like there's not enough time, even for just myself. I don't seem to have enough time for all the things I'm 'supposed' to do. I'm tired as hell, but it's not for the reasons I expected. I'm dizzy, due to medication. Anymore, I think the most I can hope for is to maintain my independence – but even that, I'm well aware, isn't guaranteed, regardless of what I do. (negative, I know...but seems realistic!) So here I sit – on 'vacation' – with tears in my eyes writing this (especially in recognizing that!). A new year is soon upon us. My parents are getting older; I'm getting older. I'm terrified, to be honest. Aren't I too young to feel this way? 35 – and feeling hopeless. Like everything's downhill from here? Like there's nothing to truly look forward to, perhaps. :S I feel like I just need to be content with what I have now. Easier said than done, of course. It's always easier to look at the things one doesn't have. But there are people with a whole hell of a lot less, too. I have a full-time job and a part-time job at the minute. I'm lucky to be able to work really. I'm lucky to have had the main job for as long as I've had. (for however long that lasts. :S) I have a warm apartment, warm bed, food, and water...two parents, all my siblings, all my nephews and nieces. I am very grateful for all those things. I can see. I can think and formulate my thoughts, still type and write. I can easily breathe. I don't have pain. I can drive. I can walk (albeit with a limp, probably looking like an extra from the Walking Dead. ) Life right now is good, really. Right now, yeah, life is fairly good, all things considered. ^^Written late Wednesday night (12/28/22), I think. Smartened up in a way, typing it in another document so as not to lose it. And parts seem a bit dramatic, but it is what it is. I am okay really. *Deep breaths* Also – I really wasn't sure where to post this. It seems too negative, in parts, for a few other areas. I don't think it's a good idea to read my old posts. I thought about it, saw a few --- but too frustrated in how things are now, and what I took for granted at the time. :S I will likely feel the same about these posts now at some point – but good to have some sort of record, too. (contradictions all over the place! lol)
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