Post by strawberrysweetie on Dec 22, 2011 9:53:24 GMT -5
Dec 20, 2011 18:18:12 GMT -5 @strawberrysweetie said:
I think I sometimes wish that people would just start treating me like the piece of shit that I (think I) am.
Why are people (generally) so nice to me??
This seems like the dumbest, most ridiculous thing to complain about, I know....but, I just find it annoying sometimes. I hate myself so much sometimes, that I just can't understand how (so it seems anyway) I seem to make a decent impression on people. Or at least they're that way to me to my face.
Sometimes compliments bother me. General comments can even bother me. It's just like....I don't believe it? Maybe that's all it is. I don't see it. I don't see what the fuck some people are talking about when they say anything nice to me. I don't feel it. I take anything said to me, with a grain of salt, I guess? I don't know.
And I also think that if people were more harsh to me, it would be so much easier to do away with everything.
shut up!! *kicks you*
pay attention people. you are witnessing the birth of a masochist!! ;D
Thank you, ma'am...may I have another??
haha....this made me smile and laugh a bit. (not that it's true, mind you, but....hell, I'm just going nuts, I think. )
Anyway, that was an extra bad day. Reading it back, I'd like to think at least half of what I thought/wrote isn't true. Especially about the stuff about wanting people to treat me like shit. :S
I think what it comes down to is just.......sometimes, I just feel like everything is complete and utter bullshit. The things that people say and/or the way they behave around each other. How I notice that people ARE nice to others around them, while later saying nasty things behind their backs. It's like....I just wonder sometimes, if that's not also what's being done to me. Or just, people saying nice things in a way to be either manipulative or just being suck-ups. Which, regarding some people at my workplace, that's very likely and the nature of the job...something I'll have to deal with from day-to-day. I just never know what to believe anymore. Both from unordinary and ordinary people, though.
Kind of like this song....pay close attention to the lyrics: Smiling Faces Sometimes
Even if people are just nice to my face, though...I know I should consider myself lucky in some regards, probably anyway. I must have some sort of likeable quality about me that makes people generally be that way with me. Which should be a positive sign, I guess. But it also makes me wonder why I've always had/continue to have problems. Why I always feel like I never really fit in. And wondering, if people think I'm decent enough to be nice to....why don't they ever REALLY want anything to do with me? I'm just there. Here. Existing. I don't have any significant impact on anyone. I just exist and don't matter a great deal. I know people say things sometimes...and don't follow through with things they say they'll do. Often. It just is a really crappy feeling to feel like no one really truly cares all that much.
I'm just some sort of a last resort, in all regards. Something I've recognized about myself for a very long time...but I'm not so sure I'll ever feel completely okay with it.
It's just...seeing things as total bullshit, sometimes, I do wish people would just be completely honest. And like I said before...I don't really necessarily believe the 'nice' things people say about me. So I sometimes only associate 'truth'/reality...with negativity and mostly bad things. That all good things must be some sort of an illusion. So why can't people just drop the act and be straight about things? Why put on a show? Why act nice and then turn around and say something bad about you? I'm sort of all over the place with these thoughts. But...at work, for example....it just seems completely inappropriate and unprofessional to me to be saying negative stuff about each other behind their backs constantly. People are just so unaccepting of others sometimes. Like people just say shit to say shit....to be dramatic, like they can't just shut up and put up with people's differences.
I know why it happens to some degree, as some people truly are annoying or lazy...but that doesn't mean it has to be talked about all the time. Not everyone has to know everything about everyone. I just find certain things ridiculous.
Rant done. For now.