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Post by Grayback on Feb 11, 2011 5:03:10 GMT -5
Okay I'll admit that was a terrible wordplay between ranted/rented. So then what shall I rant about ? Who am I ? What the frack am I doing on this planet ? Am I an alien ? Am I just a sorry excuse for a human being ? Why am I 23, alone, still a virgin, never kissed a girl in my life ? Will there be an end to this for me and if so what this will end be ? Death ?
There are just so many questions like this running in my head and I can find so little answers. So many people think when they see me that I am very calm, relaxed, peaceful and that might be true to some degree. The truth is that my mind is like a volcano and so, while on the outside everything is quiet, inside me there are sometimes boiling rivers of magma tearing me apart.
I have such a low self-esteem that it sometimes feels ridiculous even to me. How can I possibly hate myself so much sometimes ? I don't always feel that bad but when I do, it's not easy to get out, to snap out of it, it's like my own strength is being absorbed and I feel so weak and tired.
That is probably why I spend most of my day behind a computer screen, at least when I'm playing games I stop thinking about myself and those endless questions... There are a few other forums in which I participate but there I hide the truth about my extreme shyness because I could never say it without feeling so ashamed and so I pretend to be an outgoing kind of guy and of course it's such a big lie... At least here I can say the truth and not feel bad about myself because there are others who suffer as I do.
I realise that being alone doesn't help my situation, it certainly makes it worse. I just don't know if I will ever be able to connect with others again as the truth is ( as sad and pathetic as that will sound ) I have found a kind of sick comfort in being such a loner. Finding someone to love/be loved seems even more impossible to me. I mean, what kind of girl could possibly love someone as broken as me ? She would most certainly have to like jigsaws ;D.
At least I still have a sense of humor and that's probably the one thing that keeps me from really drowning... That and walking outside in nature where there is just peace and quiet.
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Post by Wednesday on Feb 11, 2011 10:44:45 GMT -5
Grayback, You are not alone on this. Although, as bad as you're feeling I do have to ask: Why are guys so bothered to be a virgin at whatever age? I mean, would you rather not be? And have given it up for someone who wasn't really important? Ok. I know. That sounds like a girls thought. But that's how I feel. I don't care about things like that, they don't bother me. About you not never having a gf. I think she just hasn't come along. Other than that, Grayback, I think our feelings is something we need to work on. I personally enjoy being shy. I know this sounds weird, but when we learn to accept ourselves as we are, we can kinda start being ourselves in our shy way. People then start to value us as something much more than just "this shy person" It's just about knowing the right people. And I realize that's where the issue might be… Where to get to know this people, but they are out there. We just need to push ourselves a little. I wish I could tell you how to do that, or how to work your feelings out, but I obviously don't have the answer for that. Otherwise, I'd be doing it myself too. ;D If I am glad about one thing though, it's that you're being honest in this forum. Everyone here is damaged in their own way, so there's no need to hide. And I'm also glad that you still have a sense of humor. That's a great quality to have. Hope the rest of your day/night goes better.
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Post by Grayback on Feb 11, 2011 14:31:17 GMT -5
Thank you for answering to my rant Wednesday, it feels good to know that there are others out there that can understand me and what I'm going through. You are obviously right when you say that it's better for me to still be a virgin than to have lost it to someone who was not important. I guess it's just a bit harder for us guys because people ( mostly guys but a few girls too ) tend to make fun of male virgins. I do believe that there are truly good people ( and some really bad too ;D ) out there but I have the feeling that it takes one shy person to truly understand another shy person. I mean, the non-shy person could be really nice, respectful and even understanding but he/she can't possibly conceive what it is like to be really shy. Yep, my sense of humor is one of the few things I'm proud about and, as I said in another post, making others feel better helps me quite a bit .
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Feb 12, 2011 5:45:34 GMT -5
Okay I'll admit that was a terrible wordplay between ranted/rented. I like it! So many people think when they see me that I am very calm, relaxed, peaceful and that might be true to some degree. The truth is that my mind is like a volcano and so, while on the outside everything is quiet, inside me there are sometimes boiling rivers of magma tearing me apart. I have a feeling people see me the same way, it's strange... I've had a few people make some sort of reference to the point that I must have no problems. Annoys the heck out of me. And the couple of times I went to see a counselor, I just felt like they looked at me weird, as though, things shouldn't be so hard for me. I realise that being alone doesn't help my situation, it certainly makes it worse. I just don't know if I will ever be able to connect with others again as the truth is ( as sad and pathetic as that will sound ) I have found a kind of sick comfort in being such a loner. Finding someone to love/be loved seems even more impossible to me. I mean, what kind of girl could possibly love someone as broken as me ? She would most certainly have to like jigsaws ;D. I've related to much of what you said in your post, but this statement really stuck out to me. Considering I've yet to do anything to better my situation, I have to wonder if I'm at the same point. I mean, I do feel mostly very uncomfortable nowadays, but obviously there still must be a bit of comfort here, since it's obviously so hard to break away from it. Anyway...welcome to the forum.
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Post by Wednesday on Feb 12, 2011 19:27:27 GMT -5
You are obviously right when you say that it's better for me to still be a virgin than to have lost it to someone who was not important. I guess it's just a bit harder for us guys because people ( mostly guys but a few girls too ) tend to make fun of male virgins. Eh, they just think they can help themselves feel better by putting others down. I do believe that there are truly good people ( and some really bad too ;D ) out there but I have the feeling that it takes one shy person to truly understand another shy person. I mean, the non-shy person could be really nice, respectful and even understanding but he/she can't possibly conceive what it is like to be really shy. You'd be surprised. Anyway...welcome to the forum. And... what she said.
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Post by Grayback on Feb 13, 2011 6:06:15 GMT -5
Thank you both for making me feel welcome . Thanks Wednesday for your kind and comforting words. Believe me Strawberry, I know how you feel. Some people outside of my close family think the same about me. They probably think that because everything seems "normal" on the outside and so it must be as well on the inside. It's just so hard to break away from this vicious circle and, of course, the more time flows by, the harder it becomes. The worse thing in this is part of me realise I have wasted and continue to waste my life but I just can't seem to act on this... I never had a real adolescence, I never went to a nightclub or into a party for that matter. I was almost always alone during my high school years and, while it was very hard for me at the beginning, I started to "like it" after the first year, probably because after all this time, it was the only thing left I could do to "survive". I will stop my rambling for now because it's twelve O'clock and I'm starting to get hungry ;D.
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Post by Grayback on Feb 13, 2011 12:05:35 GMT -5
So, where was I then ? Ah yes, talking about poor little me ;D.
Okay then, this is going to get pretty negative ( not that it was really positive before ;D ) and I apologise in advance for those who might be looking for something a little more encouraging but the truth is that writing these feelings in here is a bit liberating for me...
There are times in my life when I really feel so bad that I think about committing suicide ( Thankfully it is not something that happens often ). However, I have never crossed ( and I hope I never will ) the line that separates just thinking about it and acting upon it. I think there are three main reasons for that. 1) I know it would hurt my family badly. 2) I am afraid not of death itself but of the pain I could/would feel before I die. 3) I could fail my suicide and the consequences of that would make my life even more miserable.
Perhaps there is still hope for me, I do not know. I try and keep surviving every day ( this word again, survive, as if for me it would be impossible to simply live life as it would imply at least a small measure of enjoying it ) and telling myself that one of these day this will all make sense, that I didn't go through all this for nothing. I suppose in the end that is all I have left : Hope, as dim as a distant light on a foggy day...
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Post by Scotty on Feb 13, 2011 12:35:29 GMT -5
There are times in my life when I really feel so bad that I think about committing suicide ( Thankfully it is not something that happens often ). However, I have never crossed ( and I hope I never will ) the line that separates just thinking about it and acting upon it. I think there are three main reasons for that. 1) I know it would hurt my family badly. 2) I am afraid not of death itself but of the pain I could/would feel before I die. 3) I could fail my suicide and the consequences of that would make my life even more miserable. I often think about suicide, but yeah, like you, I've never really come close to actually acting on those thoughts. You're reasons for not doing it are pretty much the same as mine.
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Post by Grayback on Feb 16, 2011 15:07:55 GMT -5
There are times in my life when I really feel so bad that I think about committing suicide ( Thankfully it is not something that happens often ). However, I have never crossed ( and I hope I never will ) the line that separates just thinking about it and acting upon it. I think there are three main reasons for that. 1) I know it would hurt my family badly. 2) I am afraid not of death itself but of the pain I could/would feel before I die. 3) I could fail my suicide and the consequences of that would make my life even more miserable. I often think about suicide, but yeah, like you, I've never really come close to actually acting on those thoughts. You're reasons for not doing it are pretty much the same as mine. I'm sorry to hear that you have those kind of dark thoughts as well. It's surprising that we share the same reasons for not doing it though ;D. Another thing that bothers me to no end is that it's so much easier for me to discuss with people on the web. From what I have read in this forum, I'm far from being the only one in this case but still, I can't help but wonder at how different I can be on the Internet. As I said on a previous post, I participate on a few other forums as well and on these I can without too much difficulty make friends with other people. Some of them have given me their e-mail adress ( often Msn ) and I discuss with them on a variety of topics. I have even been trusted enough that a few gave me their telephone number ( without me asking ! ). That would be great if I wasn't so shy but the fact is I could never phone to them, it would be way too awkward... ( The phone is probably my number one enemy, in fact it's even harder for me to phone to anyone than it is to talk to someone face to face ! ) That makes me so angry against myself because if I can make friends on the web why can't I make friends in my real life... The answer of course is because I'm so fucked up .
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Post by Grayback on Feb 21, 2011 14:01:08 GMT -5
Today has been one of those bad day I seem to suffer from every once in a while. I kept asking myself what it is I was doing in this world and, as usual, I couldn't find any answer. I can't seem to find any kind of meaning in this life. I endure as I have for most of my time on this world but I am just so damn mentally tired and, as a result, my body feels so weak as well.
I have come to accept my shyness but in a very bad way, like a curse or something from which I will never recover. I can't find anything good about my shyness as it has ruined my life and that is why I cannot accept it in a good way. I just feel so empty sometimes, I hunger for something and yet I do not know what it is I hunger for. Peace and quiet ? Love ? Something else entirely perhaps ?
It's so ironic when I think about it but I have always been good for making others feel better whenever something bad happened in their life but I am powerless to help myself... It is one of the many mysteries this life seem to have in store for me.
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Post by Grayback on Feb 25, 2011 14:27:05 GMT -5
Having read my previous post again, I realize that I really hate it when I'm so depressed, though there is always a good amount of facts to reflect on between all this self-loathing. Thankfully, those last few days have gone better for me and I'm back to my usual self for an unknown amount of time. I hope that it will be a while before I fall in such a dark mood again but the truth is that it doesn't take much for me to fall into this bottomless pit that is despair... I have to continue to try and fight against all those bad feelings ( even if it sometimes feel as though I'm bringing a sword to a gun battle ) because the day I completely give up on life might very well be the day where my reasons for not committing suicide ( which I have mentioned on a previous post ) are not enough... I wonder if one day I will feel "normal" but I don't think that this will ever happen. Instead I will have to settle for the hope that I can learn to live with myself, not always being afraid that others judge me, being able to stand the look of others on me without feeling ashamed or guilty of something. ( of what am I guilty anyway ? ) I must say I have enjoyed writing my thoughts in here and I hope that I will still have more to write in the days to come ( hopefully less sad things but let's not ask too much too quickly ;D ) but more importantly, if my ramblings/rantings have allowed to make a few of my readers realize that they are not alone in this constant struggle that is extreme shyness, I will have the satisfaction of knowing I did some good .
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Post by Tal on Feb 28, 2011 13:56:57 GMT -5
I have found a kind of sick comfort in being such a loner. Finding someone to love/be loved seems even more impossible to me. Yeah, I guess its about sticking to your comfort zone. Everyday I tell myself I should go on dating sites and try and talk to more girls yet I keep putting it off because its difficult. Being alone is in some ways easier...no need to put yourself in difficult social situations or deal with complicated relationships or have to take sides in arguments or go to all these social occassions etc. I do envy people who don't have much desire for friendship or love and are happy to live by themselves. At least I still have a sense of humor and that's probably the one thing that keeps me from really drowning... That and walking outside in nature where there is just peace and quiet. Yep, same here. My sense of humour is one of the few good attributes I have. I can usually find something to laugh about even when I'm depressed. I think its one of the best attributes to have but sadly its not enough on its own to make one happy. Grayback, You are not alone on this. Although, as bad as you're feeling I do have to ask: Why are guys so bothered to be a virgin at whatever age? I mean, would you rather not be? And have given it up for someone who wasn't really important? Ok. I know. That sounds like a girls thought. But that's how I feel. I don't care about things like that, they don't bother me. Your lucky if it doesn't bother you. Its not a male or female thing imo...plenty of females who remain long-time virgins are probably desperate for sex too (but the number of men in this situation far outnumbers women so it seems like a male thing). Many probably feel inferior and like their missing out for not having it. I totally understand why someone wouldn't want to wait for the right partner. I certainly don't. I definitely beginning to think living for the moment is the best way to go if you can do so.
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Post by Grayback on Mar 1, 2011 13:51:09 GMT -5
I do envy people who don't have much desire for friendship or love and are happy to live by themselves. I hear you but I have to wonder if it is really possible. Is it merely a facade or can someone really be happy without others ? I know I can't, even if I tell my family that I'm alright, that being always alone doesn't bother me, it's a lie. I have learned to live with this loneliness, but it certainly doesn't make me happy... Yep, same here. My sense of humour is one of the few good attributes I have. I can usually find something to laugh about even when I'm depressed. I think its one of the best attributes to have but sadly its not enough on its own to make one happy. I certainly agree with you on that. It's indeed sadly not enough but well, we have to make the best with what little we were gifted with, right ?
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Post by Tal on Mar 2, 2011 15:38:01 GMT -5
I do envy people who don't have much desire for friendship or love and are happy to live by themselves. I hear you but I have to wonder if it is really possible. Is it merely a facade or can someone really be happy without others ? I know I can't, even if I tell my family that I'm alright, that being always alone doesn't bother me, it's a lie. I have learned to live with this loneliness, but it certainly doesn't make me happy... Well it's a good question, but since we can't experience what others experience I guess all we can do is accept whatever they say.
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Post by spinky on Mar 8, 2011 12:47:59 GMT -5
I've lived 13 years without a single friend, and just over 9 without a girl. Am i happy @ the tender age of 33? When i was in my early-to-mid 20's, i guess i was. Playing games, watching cable, maxing out credit cards on the internet, porn etc. All of those things kept, and still keep me very busy, and took/take my mind off any kind of close physical contact or social bonds. They're a distraction, but they're also my life force especially the net.
In my late 20's, i started to become more resentful, angry, and feeling like a caged tiger. I still feel those emotions now every so often, but after receiving counselling last year for grief-related issues, i feel better in myself as i know i need to change my life.
I need to learn to live again, and that is where my ultimate struggle for a life kicks in..........
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