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Post by Grayback on Mar 8, 2011 16:14:12 GMT -5
I've lived 13 years without a single friend, and just over 9 without a girl. Am i happy @ the tender age of 33? When i was in my early-to-mid 20's, i guess i was. Playing games, watching cable, maxing out credit cards on the internet, porn etc. All of those things kept, and still keep me very busy, and took/take my mind off any kind of close physical contact or social bonds. They're a distraction, but they're also my life force especially the net. In my late 20's, i started to become more resentful, angry, and feeling like a caged tiger. I still feel those emotions now every so often, but after receiving counselling last year for grief-related issues, i feel better in myself as i know i need to change my life. I need to learn to live again, and that is where my ultimate struggle for a life kicks in.......... Thanks for sharing your experience spinky, I sincerely hope that you will manage to change your life for the better . I too realise ( and have realised for some time now ) that I need to change as I cannot continue to live like this forever. The problem is and always has been to act upon this knowledge and that is where I'm stuck. I do not know where I could find the strength or even the courage to do it... Like Tal said, it's the easiness of sticking to your comfort zone vs the difficulty of putting yourself in "danger" and of course easiness always wins against difficulty. It's a sad and painful truth in my life but one I have not been able to fight against so far.
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Post by Grayback on Mar 12, 2011 5:27:14 GMT -5
Something has been bothering me lately ( well no, not exactly, that's just an excuse for me to continue ranting in here ;D ).
After so many years spent trying to build myself an "armor" against the negative/mean things others could say about me ( Which is only useful for attacks coming from the outside, those that come from myself have no trouble passing this "protection" and they generally are much worse than attacks coming from the outside but I digress ) I have become mostly impervious to anything that happens around me.
In fact, some people that have met me probably find me to be a cold and distant person ( and a few others think that I'm just a calm guy which is only partially true ) but that is my way of keeping control over the emotions that constantly threaten to submerge me from the inside.
The problem with this armor/shell is that it's not really selective and by that I mean that it doesn't allow anything at all to go through. Happiness, compliments, anything nice others say doesn't affect you either... And so, it is another trap that I seem to have fallen in, by trying to protect myself from harm, I seem to have become emotionally detached from other human beings.
To resume everything i just said, I can affect others, but others can't affect me anymore. My goodness, any psychiatrist would have a field day with me ;D.
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Post by Karen on Mar 12, 2011 9:43:42 GMT -5
I've been in that same position, so f*cked by life that I stopped letting anything in, I think you get kind of numb. And my brain was still hurting me all on its own The only thing that helped was when I started talking back to that "voice" inside my head that was constantly negative. When my thoughts would start getting dark I would tell that voice to &%^$ off, and eventually it started to lesson, (though I still struggle with it). I think until you start seeing yourself in a better light, it won't matter if others are nice to you, you won't be able to really accept it.
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Post by Grayback on Mar 12, 2011 14:03:22 GMT -5
I think until you start seeing yourself in a better light, it won't matter if others are nice to you, you won't be able to really accept it. Indeed, this couldn't be more true but how can I do this after such a long time ( almost six years to be exact ) spent hating who I am and what I look like ? I could try to compliment myself, but I wouldn't believe it any more than if someone else made a compliment to me. I wonder if one day I'll finally find peace with myself and if and when that day happens, how will I react when realising that I wasted so many years of my life. Anyway, thanks Karen, it's reassuring to know that some people actually manage to beat back all those thoughts/emotions.
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Post by skyhint on Mar 12, 2011 19:24:53 GMT -5
I used to think I had an armour and nothing anyone said could hurt me. But now I'm all soft and the hurt I've kept bottled up is so painful. I wish I had the guts back then to tell those mean people off back then.
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Post by Grayback on Mar 21, 2011 14:23:00 GMT -5
It's been some time since I last ranted in here. I can't believe how quickly time passes, even when you're not doing anything useful with your life. I think I really need a good kick in the butt ( rather than a kick in the nuts, that would perhaps be a bit of an overkill ) to finally start doing something else than what I do every day. I need to get out of my comfort zone, there is no other possibility if I really want things to change. As long as I don't try to take any kind of risk, I'll stay stuck in this pathetic excuse for a life that I've been living for far too long. I just wish I could find some kind of reserve energy that I didn't know I had or something like that... If only I could go back and change things in the past, it would be so much easier, I could tell my younger self to do things differently and not make the same mistakes I have made. But I realize that's impossible and that dwelling on the past does not make the present or the future any easier. I so badly want things to change and yet there's always this part of me that does everything it cans to stop that from happening. I can't help but think about the similarity with the Dark Passenger of the Dexter series. If such a thing existed in me, I think it has been in control for far too long, or is that just another attempt from me to find excuse for my inactions ? With any luck things will change this year, they have to because I can't go on like this or rather the truth is that I could go on living my life like this forever but I don't want to, not anymore. I can only dream of the day where I'll finally feel like I'm worth something, perhaps I'll even have some friends and even, the ultimate dream, a girlfriend who loved me and that I could love in return... Who knows, perhaps this is possible for me, if only I could go out of my shell
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Post by Karen on Mar 21, 2011 14:37:47 GMT -5
it's very hard to change ones situation, I definitely know about that I tend to get stuck in ruts because the risk and fear of changing so often outweighs the pro's of living in a better situation. Sometimes though things get to the point where you just have to do something, where you have to take the chance. And it sounds like you've reached your strike. This is your year Grayback!! we are rooting for you. Its scary but we will be here for you to talk to, and to work through things with. Just make little changes you can live with, and as time goes by those changes will add up, and before you know it you will be leading a different lifestyle that you are more happy with. I have read through your "ranting space" and honestly you sound just like me when I was 22-ish, I think we've experienced alot of the same feelings about life, so I can tell you from my own experience that things will change for you. For now you have friends in us!
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Post by Grayback on Mar 22, 2011 14:17:06 GMT -5
Thanks Karen, your support is much appreciated. Let's hope that this will indeed be the year things start to change in my life. It certainly won't be easy but I have to try, starting with little changes just as you suggested and we'll see how that turns out. With any luck, at the end of this year I'll have improved my happiness and found a way to make peace with myself. If not, well at least I'll have tried and I'll still have a place in here no matter what happens .
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Post by Grayback on Apr 19, 2011 14:05:06 GMT -5
It's been almost a month since my last rant, I can't believe how quickly time flies. Anyway, I have tried to be more positive with myself since the last time I posted here and it has more or less worked. I mean, let's be honest, there are still days where I feel like sh*t but I try to not let it get the better of me. Instead of telling myself that I'm worthless and that I'm not going anywhere in my social life, I'm trying to concentrate on the few good things I like about me and it works sometimes . I also try to smile a little more when I'm out so as not to appear as cold and lifeless to other people but it's not easy, I'm so used to keeping the same neutral/serious expression on my face. Still, at least I'm trying which is already an improvement compared to what I've done before. I still have trouble dealing with large group of people though and I don't think that I will be able to change that. I just feel really stressed out when there are too many people. For example, a week ago, I was eating with my mum in a restaurant and there were people all around us since we were in a table that was in the middle of others. There was however no other table available ( the restaurant was full ) and I didn't want to ask my mum if we could eat somewhere else, I would have been ashamed of myself for being a coward. So we sat with people on the left, on the right and, well, they were pretty close to our table as well. It felt really awkward to me but still, I survived or else I wouldn't be here writing this ;D. I suppose that if I did it more often, it would become less stressful but still, I prefer restaurant with less people and more space.
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Post by Karen on Apr 19, 2011 16:17:55 GMT -5
I loved how much more upbeat this this entry was, you really sound like your making some positive changes! Particularly your working on thinking more positively, thats so important, and I'm really glad your making the effort. I still have trouble dealing with large group of people though and I don't think that I will be able to change that. I just feel really stressed out when there are too many people. For example, a week ago, I was eating with my mum in a restaurant and there were people all around us since we were in a table that was in the middle of others. There was however no other table available ( the restaurant was full ) and I didn't want to ask my mum if we could eat somewhere else, I would have been ashamed of myself for being a coward. So we sat with people on the left, on the right and, well, they were pretty close to our table as well. It felt really awkward to me but still, I survived or else I wouldn't be here writing this ;D. I suppose that if I did it more often, it would become less stressful but still, I prefer restaurant with less people and more space. I've had the exact same experience in restaurants, it can feel very uncomfortable at times. I prefer less crowded places, or really even staying in I find it helps if I just try to focus on whoever I'm at the restaurant, (or where ever) with. It helps take my mind off the crowds. Good luck in your continued efforts to make positive changes in your life Grayback, your doing great! ;D
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Post by Grayback on May 3, 2011 14:41:05 GMT -5
I really feel like I need to ramble some more in this, my one little place where I can write what I feel without being ashamed of it. I don't quite know what exactly triggered this, but tonight ( it's 9:15pm in my country as I'm writing this ) I'm feeling very empty again.
It's been some time since I last felt so terrible but I guess even my positive thinking has its limits. It's a shame because the last few weeks haven't been too bad but I suppose it was only a matter of time before my depression showed its face again.
My dear depression, you are one ugly thing. Allow me to tell you that you really are ruining my life. Don't you think I suffer enough being so shy, having so little confidence in myself and my abilities ? Do I really need to feel so bad again because of you ?
If only there was a point to all this, if only there was a reason for all this suffering. I really need to find a reason to continue on, I need to feel loved by someone, to fill this emptiness inside me with something, with anything.
But that's not going to happen, is it ? Tonight it feels like there's nothing and nobody in this world that will make me feel whole gain. What am I missing ? Why do I feel so broken ? I'm so morally tired, I just don't know anymore.
Tomorrow will be a new day and perhaps I'll feel better but still, how much longer will I/can I continue like this, it's not even life, it's just so sad when I think about it. Will my life really end with suicide ? I'm ashamed to have this question wandering around in my head yet again but it's the only ending I can see for me sometimes.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on May 3, 2011 15:34:50 GMT -5
aww, Grayback. Hang in there. *hugs*
I know the feeling all too well. It's so weird when you can go from feeling at least somewhat okay/decent for a time and then it seems out of nowhere the negative thinking and depression comes back at full force. Happens to me a ton. Any suicidal-like thinking is the worst of it.
I'm not sure what to say really...I suppose this is me just reminding you you're not completely alone.
I do often hear, though, that it's best to realize that we can't depend on others (or external circumstances) to make us happy, that we have to (somehow) figure out how to make ourselves happy. Because things constantly change and people often let us down at times anyway. How to achieve that self happiness and wholeness exactly, I've not a clue. But, and while I'm faaaar far far away from that myself, I do still believe that it is possible. Got to believe it, I suppose...in order to just keep going. Who knows what the future holds.
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Post by Scotty on May 3, 2011 18:50:57 GMT -5
I hope you feel better tommorw mate. It's never fun when the depression hits repeatedly, and I hope you manage to hold on ...We'd miss you.
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Post by Karen on May 4, 2011 10:10:42 GMT -5
What Strawberry said. Hang in there Grayback. *Hugs*
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Post by putter65 on May 4, 2011 11:59:01 GMT -5
I hate been in love. Or having a crush. There is nothing worse. It makes me so unhappy ! I hope it never happens to me again !
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