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Post by Audio the obscure on Jan 21, 2018 17:51:19 GMT -5
Last Thursday on one of my sometimes trips to the WalMart mall, one of my friends of whom I met in the Church I used to attend in the 80s and early 90s came on the bus and sat with me; and later on he was telling me he was planning to see a movie at 4 pm. I said let me know if you'd like some company as I was in the mood to see a movie also since the last time I'd seen one was when the Emoji film came out lol. He agreed and I met him later on inside the theatre in which "The Post" was playing. It's set in the time of former president Nixon. Here is the info here: www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_post/I was intensely interested and riveted - much more than I was when I had watched other films. I enjoy anything of this nature and was gratified that the Supreme Court in the movie ruled in favour of the First Amendment (although I'm not American I agree and stand with Americans in upholding their Amendment rights, especially the first one). My friend, Brian enjoyed the movie very much. It appears we have this type of interest in common. He's an historian and spends his weekdays at the University doing research and so on. It was great for a change to have some company as I really don't enjoy going to the theatre alone. By the way, we both discussed the fact that (so far) the Fredericton Cineplex theatre was not showing another film we mutually were interested in seeing "Darkest Hour" (about Winston Churchill) and we each were talking about and wondering why it wasn't available here in our city. Hopefully we each might be able to see it sometime in another venue (or whatever). I'll probably wait and try to see it online I hope.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Jan 21, 2018 15:25:56 GMT -5
Stupid Google search engine frustrates me so much! I don't know to word things correctly on a GOOD day, let alone when I'm so deeply depressed. It doesn't understand what I want, and of course not since it's a search engine! I'm trying to get some encouragement to get me through the day since I'm feeling so utterly worthless and guilty because of no paid employment. I don't care about money except to have my needs met. I am trying to find something that might encourage me that I'm not as lazy as my guilt makes me feel. That if I do housework (which I do) that that means I'm not lazy, but the stupid thing keeps coming up with sites that address people's lazy husbands that won't do housework and similar laments, etc. etc. etc.
Ok Audio Toenails, this is the first day of the rest of your worthless damn life. Better get thine house in order for (whatever day it will happen) your next stop is Gehenna fire!!!
Well it IS the "Excuse This" thread! lol.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Jan 21, 2018 12:45:30 GMT -5
Sorry about the inability to put a proper title on this.
Before I start, I may as well tell you a piece of good news (yes it should be somewhere else besides the "rant" thread, but I'm fatigued so I'm putting it here):
My Aunt Gracie called me today! Of course it was more obligatory - she was making calls to the relatives about the fact that Aunt Georgina died and she thought I'd want to know. So I appreciated that. We had a bit of a talk. I told her (again) how I felt about our relationship. She's sort of "reserved" (for lack of a better term for it) and doesn't always show emotion or express it like I do. She wants me to come over on the bus and visit, which I appreciated her saying. I said I would and that if she called sometimes and invited me I promise that barring any health (legs,etc) troubles on whatever day I would definitely get the bus over. I got talking about some opinions I had (earlier in the conversation) about politics and so forth and we seem to be on a similar page about some aspects of this. She said "I hit the nail on the head" with something I said, which is to me the closest thing to a compliment from HER toward me for anything coming from me lol. So hopefully our relationship has a chance for at least not getting worse and maybe will get better. She liked the Mother's Day card I'd sent her last year at that time, so I was glad about that too. I'm hoping when I get over there to bring my smart phone (which I use only to take pics for the most part - the rest of it is "shot" lol - none or almost none of the apps work anymore) and get some pics of her, Lana, and cousin Kevin.
Anyway, that said this next part is sort of the "rant" as it were:
I watch House M.D. quite a lot (I realize it's been done off the network for some years now, but one of the Canadian tv stations has reruns on a couple times a week; plus I have 3 dvds of it here). And today I was watching the one where Foreman had Taub stay in his home temporarily to help him study for a test (something like that). I won't bore you with all of it so I'll just put the point next:
The point is, that after the goal was reached and Taub was leaving, Foreman invited him to stay with him at least until he found another place to live (when I think previously he was only "tolerating" Taub to help him study or something like that).
My rant is that I wish that something similar would happen with me. That someone (anyone) who doesn't especially like me maybe even considers me an "enemy" at worst or is irritated by me (at best) would take the time to get to know me and maybe a similar thing would happen.
It seems that I either have almost no friends and/or I made (or make) a lot of enemies. And even when I try as best as I know how to make (or try to) make amends to certain people, nothing positive happens. I can't force a relationship, I know that. I try (for a short time) - a "short time" ONLY because I don't want to be seen by a person (anyone) as harrassing them, so I don't. I am very sensitive to the thought or possibility of getting in trouble with the law and being charged with something. I have never been in trouble with the law (police), charged, arrested, or in jail or prison. And I don't want that to change. I'm not a "good" person, and I still believe I am going to "hell". That I don't think I'll ever be able to change because I don't have a job. That is the other thing. The old worry about that that I had in 1992 which caused my nervous breakdown and subsequent hospitalisation is rearing its ugly head psychologically in me again. I want desperately to make amends to all I've hurt or offended before I go "the way of all flesh" (or die I mean). I don't expect a relationship. I just want that I and other people (the ones I've offended) can reach some kind of understanding that I didn't mean to hurt/offend them. I've tried to as it were hold out the white handkerchief (even in here privately of course) but no dice. I've not named names publicly of course. I won't do that, so.... anyway *sigh* I am tres tres discouraged about all of this. The guilt over being unemployed is eating me alive!!!! I have no desire to be employed. I detest retail. I love cleaning. Trouble is, I don't have bona fide cleaning experience - I mean employed cleaning experience of course. My religious beliefs (sorry I know it's a sticky subject in here) hinder me as I don't work on the Sabbath and a lot of jobs require one to work the weekends, especially Saturday. I feel somewhat suicidal. I'm just saying. I know I can't really talk about that in here specifically. I know what I'm supposed to do, so... *sighs*. I'm just saying. I don't want to die. Why would I be in a hurry to die and then go into hellfire?! Of course I would not. I want to hold on to whatever years I have left to live. But the guilt is still killing me!!! I don't believe I am lazy. I do housework here. I vacuum. I mop. I dust. I wash clothes, even some by hand. When I was in the jobs I had (very few, but anyway...), both places I worked - the supervisors and others said I was a hard and/or fast worker. I even have a recommendation from the last place I worked fulltime saying I excelled on any work which requires attention to detail. I tried to get work online, like doing surveys (ugh) or typing stuff. But no dice. All that happened was I wasted hours of time jumping through their hoops and still no chance for work. I'm just ranting. Feel free not to read <lol what a time in this to say that eh?<*snorts@myself*. I just don't have a big desire to do anything at the moment. It's hard to say that to people, you know, in the out of online world. It seems to make one appear like they're<(myself I mean) lazy. I just wish it "could count" that I do housework. I don't mean count on the GDP. I mean count Spiritually so that I could escape hellfire. I believe it would "count" in my favour if I were married and my husband was the breadwinner. But I don't believe it counts when I'm by myself. It's very frustrating. But mostly discouraging because of the guilt and the fear. Even if I were today or tomorrow decide to renounce everything and become an athiest. For me, I just can't. It would take a lobotomy or shock treatment or something drastic for me to just say "there is no God". I know people have that belief and I respect that. That's why some I've favourited in here knowing they are athiests. Like I said on another post I've made. I am conservative minded and a "live and let live" person as far as other people's lives and opinions and beliefs are concerned. I've favourited, as I said before, people in here because I've found something I liked about each of them. Either because we like similar genre tv shows (i.e. scifi/trek); or because we like music; or because we are each musicians, songwriters or poets, etc., or because I can relate to them psychologically in some way (i.e. depression, anxiety, etc.); and so forth, etc. etc. etc. I know this is long. I am so high strung lately. I got only a few hours' sleep Friday night into Saturday morning which made for a very tired and sluggish time trying to keep Sabbath. Last night I slept somewhat better, not as many awakenings, and a bit more of a deeper sleep. I'm having nightmares also but I can't remember what the subject matter is in them. Sorry for the length of this. I want to say more, but I just can't remember what else it is I want to say.
I suppose I should put this on a new post, but I'll just "addendum" it here. I think all this Church Guilt stuff partly stems from the fact that in 1991 there was a ministerial change in wcg (the church I attended in 80s and early 90s). The first two ministers treated me wonderfully, and even the second of those two ministers had me in a "singles club" at the time (since I was in my 20s) along with other singles, which I enjoyed. Anyway, when they did the transferring of the second minister to Markham, Ontario; and the 3rd minister was brought in (from Zimbabwe), some of us speculated and wondered how he would approach us (members). Well he could be lavish in his praise, but, unfortunately equally lavish in his criticisms! At the time I was going to Community College in an Administrative Services Assistant (fancy name for secretary or office worker, etc.) and even then at a time when I was actually working towards an intended job or career, I felt guilty. I wrote this minister telling him of my discouragement, feeling like I was a "tare" (for those who don't know what I mean and want the info, it's a biblical expression that is somewhat negative). I was expecting him to either write me back or to telephone me; but instead he used 5 minutes at one of the Feast or Holy Days to talk to me. And when I needed to talk more (have more counseling and conversation about this), he cut me off, accusing me of taking up his time away from other church members). So here I was, trying to improve myself and do better vocationally, looking for some encouragement from a church minister, and he says THIS to me. So I hope this might give anyone reading my posts some insight (if anyone would like) as to why I am so Spiritually messed up. It seems as the saying goes I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Sorry again about the very long post.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Jan 10, 2018 21:51:52 GMT -5
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Post by Audio the obscure on Jan 9, 2018 21:55:46 GMT -5
Well as far as music: I have not a lot of interest in keeping up with it. I am too sore and tired most days with the joint pain (perhaps it's fibromyalgia, idk). I probably am not going to improve in it since I started playing guitar when I was 15. Not trying to be negative, just realistic. I may even sell the guitar and keyboard (not that I care about that much about money, but anyway...).
About Keith (or any potential "S.O" for that matter) - haven't seen him in awhile (since the last update I gave). He's probably hunkering down for the winter at his new apt he mentioned to me the last time we spoke. Hopefully he's doing well. I am attempting to be realistic in this regard also. He is in his mid 30s while I am in my mid 50s. There is no viable future for us as a couple and I accept that fully. I have been from time to time (since he visited me last) been thinking about this a lot. He may want to have children someday since he still has that potential. The age difference between us is something that is a concern. (I have a headache at the moment and am finding it most difficult to express myself in this post so please bear with this, if anyone's reading).
I have taken up knitting again, and more wholeheartedly now than before. I have started small projects to keep busy at this of late. I plan I hope to channel my music and inventive creativity into knitting projects. Perhaps in the future I may plan to purchase a sewing machine and see if I can make a few clothing items. But for now the knitting will be my "keeping busy" activity at home in the apt. I have a lot of knee/leg pain (both legs/knees) which is very tiring also. I am not able to get the outdoor exercise walking in as I used to do when I first started on su in 2006. I still miss it, but I have to do the best I can do and not get too sore or overtired.
I try to incorporate as much humour as I can in my life as I know that "laughter is the best medicine", as Reader's Digest says, I believe. I am also unfortunately (but I feel it has to be done to minimise stress) remove myself from as many negative stressors (including people) as possible; some call it "energy drainers" or similar expressions. I laugh a lot, even making up a lot of my own jokes, just in private here at home. Anything to keep stress at bay and maybe aid in the lessening of the physical pain I have almost constantly some days.
Religious-wise (probably not too many on here interested in this, but anyways)... reading the Bible, praying, etc. I may get back to Church sometime...don't know when at the time of this post writing. For now taking things day by day.
Financial - probably the best of all things I've mentioned, so far. I have very few needs, and continue to buy what's on sale, as I need. May have to purchase another air conditioner (I hope not); but the money's there if it becomes necessary this summer, or a little before then.
Emotional - not the best. I'm holding in a lot (probably adding to stress, of course). I'm bottling up a lot inside, unfortunately. A lot of unresolved issues with certain human beings. I want desperately to make amends to all I've hurt, and I mean ALL; however it is difficult for me to express it to certain ones. I'm trying desperately to keep negativity at bay or from taking hold. Depressions - the really deep ones are not as often as before, but when they come (occasionally) they really come. Fortunately, they last only a few days at the most; but they are very intense when they do. Well there's probably more, but I can't think of the rest at the moment. I hope I don't have to come back to add it because my mind is tired (probably because of the headache).
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Post by Audio the obscure on Jan 9, 2018 21:24:46 GMT -5
Watching another movie on Vision tv (Canadian station). It's a Sherlock Holmes type movie. I love whodunnit type movies. I've been watching (or at least listening while knitting lol) to Murdoch Mysteries lately also which I've found very interesting. The investigative personality I have at times draws me to mystery type shows. Also caught a short from Vic (Star Trek Continues) over on youtube. I'll put it/the link here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQG8X5IHpagI thought it was neat that he's conservative in mentality with a "live and let live" sort of thing (same as myself, that's how I feel also).
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Post by Audio the obscure on Jan 2, 2018 19:48:45 GMT -5
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Post by Audio the obscure on Dec 23, 2017 22:13:32 GMT -5
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Post by Audio the obscure on Dec 19, 2017 13:09:13 GMT -5
Ura I appreciate your having read my post; and I'm sorry to hear/read that you relate to what I have to say as I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone. I'm going through a deep depression at the moment. I hope things are better for you now, Ura if you happen to be reading in here. I find myself that even if I make the attempt to view things objectively, it seems to me as if the worst still occurs in regard to my relating to people. They say "what goes around, comes around" or words to that effect; but I find even when I try to make amends to people I've hurt in the first place, it makes no difference: some people are not very forgiving toward me. It hurts, very much. I feel like giving up. My depressions have not been as often as they used to be; but they are more intense, more "lonely-depressions" I call them. I follow a lot of people on here but only a few have followed me back; that's depressing to me. If I follow somebody it is because I feel I have something in common with that person, or I can relate to them in some way; such as I follow one or two people because we like a certain tv show and that's the main reason. There is usually something I like about each person I follow; and I was hoping that some of the ones that haven't followed me yet would see something about me that could let them follow me back, but obviously that hasn't occurred. I've even tried to make amends to a few that I thought I offended (even though one of these has offended me - I tried to be gracious and endeavoured to overlook or forget that and attempt to make amends, but no dice - no matter how I try I cannot get through to this one particular person). I even thought that years ago (in my early days on forum) this person liked or at least tolerated me. But for the last 5 or 6 years I guess somehow that has changed. I'm tired of trying to reach out to this person. I don't know what he/she wants from me. I've been silent (or as "silent" as I can be). I've tried privately to make amends. I'm stuck. I don't know what else I can do. I may end up unfollowing the person. But I don't like to do this. It's not going to solve anything. Like I said, I've tried to make amends. I don't know what else to do. I am stymied. It's too bad we can't just talk on the telephone and "air things out". He/she could just say what needs saying. And I could say what needs saying. Obviously that "ain't gonna happen" - but not because I am not willing. I couldn't care less who has my phone number as long as nothing else happens other than we each having a private conversation together on it. Bottom line is this person has stopped liking or tolerating me and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that because I've tried making amends to him/her and nothing positive has resulted from that. And I am TIRED OF TRYING. I just can't believe people could be so unforgiving when I don't even remember what I'd said wrong or offensive (this is in private, not on forum) in the first place.
And my Aunt is still treating me like a stranger. I write her every so often, several times a year. I send her a few dollars for my cousin who is mentally challenged because I love her. I've even invited the whole family to have dinner with me here in the apt. now that I have a proper space and facilities to cook meals and she continually ignores me. IT MAKES NO BLOODY SENSE WHY SHE'S CONTINUING TO TREAT ME THIS WAY!!! I COULD UNDERSTAND IT IF I WERE LIKE SOME RELATIVES THAT PEOPLE HEAR ABOUT ON TV SHOWS OR EVEN IN REAL LIFE! THAT IF I WERE A DRUG/ALCOHOL ADDICT, A GAMBLER, OR SOMEONE WHO JUST WENT OVER THERE ASKING TO BORROW MONEY OR BEING AN OVERALL NUISANCE - BUT I DON'T. ALL I DO IS WRITE THEM A LETTER OR CARD INVITING THEM OVER, ENCLOSING A LITTLE MONEY FOR MY COUSIN, AND TELLING THEM THEY'RE WELCOME TO HAVE SUPPER WITH ME! IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!
There is more that I could say but what would be the point. It would sound ludicrous, so it would probably be in my best interest to refrain from saying it.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Dec 19, 2017 12:35:07 GMT -5
I thought I would create a parallel thread to the one Marle started in another section and use an alternative word/expression if one does not prefer to use the word "hate".
I randomly do dislike/do not appreciate that there are no subtitles on some dvds I've purchased recently.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Nov 22, 2017 13:49:26 GMT -5
Please feel free to participate or not in the poll. I just thought I'd put one for the option.
I am dominant right handed, but do a few things ambidextrously. For example, I usually use fork/spoon with right hand, but can switch occasionally when cutting meat (steak). I write and brush teeth using right hand. But - I am dominant left hand when throwing a ball, such as bowling. I am ambidextrous when cleaning, though at first I'll use my right hand. I've noticed myself switch from right hand to left hand when cleaning (such as wiping off stove, counters, etc.). I use both hands to operate the remote control for the tv or the dvd player - I hold it in my right, but operate the controls with the fingers/thumb of left hand. I am left hand dominant using key in unlocking my apt and mailbox doors. That's all I can think of - for me - for now.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Nov 22, 2017 13:39:30 GMT -5
What I mean is: do you like to stay in a store for awhile and browse - or do you like to go in, get the things you like, and then pay for them and leave as soon as possible? Also, do you shop on spur of the moment, or do you use a list and stick to it and/or plan out what you want to purchase.
I myself am not particularly have a browsing style in the stores, particularly more so now that my health is not the best.
I like to plan ahead on what I plan to buy. I use a list "in my head"<and that's another story lol - I hate using a list: makes me feel "owld"<hahaha, sometimes even reciting to myself the items before I hit the store such as: "I'm going for blueberries, bananas, milk, bread, etc." I like to try to (when I take the bus) get in, get the items (usually food - I hate clothes shopping lol), pay for them (usually debit), and catch the bus all within half an hour. Our bus system is such that to get to one store, I depart off the bus about 25 mins past the hour, and then a return bus comes at 5 minutes TO the next hour and I'm usually on that return one lol. There are some instances where I will decide "on the spur of the moment" to go catch the bus, say to WalMart (because the movie theatre is in the same mall and sometimes I like to do the both - shop and catch a movie) in this regard I'll be more apt to browse a little at the WalMart).
So what about you? What is your shopping style (if you shop)?
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Post by Audio the obscure on Oct 18, 2017 14:21:53 GMT -5
All this mistake correcting makes me think I need a cup of tea hahaha.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Oct 18, 2017 14:11:43 GMT -5
Well Keith has been coming over from time to time. Mostly we've been playing music lol. Last week on the Canadian Thanksgiving Day I went out to eat, and we bumped into each other and got to talking. I had nothing to do (a.u.) so we took off with his guitar, and he played some for me. I tried to tape it with the smartphone, but of course I was talking, so that didn't turn out too well. He came by today, and he was so kind. I made him a cup of tea he's trying to switch over from coffee to tea and he mentioned he's trying to work toward giving up smoking<don't know about this one as I know it's a very difficult thing to break (my mum smoked the equivalent of 3 pks/day so that's how I know), but good on him for wanting to set this as a goal. Anyway, today he was here and he played my guitar, and I recorded him doing a bunch of tunes/songs, trying to be as quiet as I could as I know I have a tendency to talk a lot when I'm excited. Bless his heart, he gave me one of those cloth or nylon type capos (as I had lost mine throughout the years with all the moving I'd done). It was the one he'd had on his guitar when we met up again on Thanksgiving Day last Monday. He said he wanted to get a different type of capo as he didn't like the type he gave me anyway when I asked him (because I didn't want to take it from him). It was a good visit. He came about 1:18 and left about 2:48 approximately - enough time to enjoy a visit without it being tiring. He showed me a piece of paper that said he got accepted for a subsidized apartment on the North Side and I was very happy for him. He wanted to come over and see me and give me the good news. Then he said he had to get going because he wanted to get some business done with seeing about getting his cellphone hooked up and that he'd let me know how he made out with it all, etc. and to give me the number. I've sort of learned from past experience not to expect too much so I'm just sort of taking it one day at a time; and I told him I really enjoy us getting together to play the guitar together and he seemed very glad about it. He's an excellent guitar player and I'm going to check the videos and see if there are some good ones without me talking<lol and maybe I can get them on the computer and perhaps shared on here. He was practicing Foreigner's song "I Want to Know What Love is" when he was here (a friend had given him the song with the chords on it but it was a little hard for him to see because it was just a print off from the computer). And we just took turns passing the guitar back and forth etc. while we were visiting today. A little update on my own playing is that about half an hour ago approximately I found by accident the right fingering for the melodic beginning part of an old Styx song from their album Piece of Eight called "Queen of Spades". While I was playing I thought this sounds familiar, and for a few seconds I didn't know what it was; but after thinking a bit I excitedly exclaimed that that was the song. So I took to going through it a bit and it wasn't too bad. I remember when I had listened to the album as a teenager I couldn't think for the life of me how J.Y. (one of Styx' lead guitarists) played it, and yet today I sort of found it by accident while playing. So I thought that was cool.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Sept 25, 2017 12:40:14 GMT -5
These are the ones I am planning to watch so far of the fall lineup on the various channels:
1/The Good Doctor 2/Young Sheldon 3/The Goldbergs - yes it is a repeat show in a new season; but after discovering one day recently that it actually refers back to the 80s, I've developed an interest in it so will be watching it more often.
So far, I have set a reminder for certain shows, and am recording them (esp. The Good Doctor) just in case I'm too tired tonight (was up late last night reading and didn't get to sleep until at least 2-2:30). . Also, I took a look at Star Trek Discovery last night also. I might give it another viewing on a future Sunday lol. I liked that it retained some of the sound effects from what I call "old trek". Other than that, I think (now this is just imo, mind you) they could take a cue from "Star Trek Continues" (which I love, as I mentioned before), and adopt some more similarities to the OS. It wouldn't hurt for them to have done that and at least given it a test run just to see the response. There are a lot of original series fans that (pardon me lol) haven't died off yet hahaha. Then, if it flops, then they could change it to the more modern format as they've been using for some time.
About the poll, yes I realize there are no options for those who don't watch tv. I realize tv is not everyone's "cup of tea" so to speak. For just this one poll I set it up this way to get a sense of what shows interest those who do watch tv. I also know that there are more tv shows than just the few I've listed. I've tried to list those that I've noticed are premiers (although some I've checked are not show premiers per se, but are new seasons); and I've kept it to just the 4 main channels (nbc, abc, cbs, and fox). I've not included Canadian channels in this question or poll. Thanks in advance for reading.
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