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Post by Max Power on Oct 1, 2004 15:18:57 GMT -5
Howdy Pardners, I posted this thread a while ago talking about how I was trying to talk to a girl at my job for three years and didn't have the guts. shyunited.proboards15.com/index.cgi?board=shyr&action=display&thread=1093473403Well, she's gone. I held out hope that she would pop back up, but I don't even see her friends, who were there damn near every day like I was. So that battle is lost. Well there happens to be another girl, same situation, who I've noticed for about two years, but I never paid her much attention because I was so focused on The Girl With The Glasses. But two years ago I began to get clues that this new girl liked me, from the way she sat in the cafeteria facing me everyday, and with me catching her looking at me whenever I had the guts to look her way. Today, I was eating lunch and I saw the New Girl as she was walking out of the cafeteria. Thought nothing of it, but out of the corner of my eye, I see a body sitting on the outer edge of her booth, waaaay out. I took a peak and sure enough it was The New Girl, who was looking at me and quickly looking away. I had the guts to look her way several times, and I noticed that throughout these two years, her eyes would dart at me repeatedly. I catch her looking at me a lot, but thought it was just her looking at me looking at her, but I never stared, I just snuck peaks to see if she was indeed looking at me, and most of the time, her eyes were on me when I looked her way. And the way she looks at me has given me the same exact vibes as the one I let slip away. I've been pretty bummed out about letting The Girl With The Glasses slip through my fingers because I was too chicken shit to say anything to her. Let me stress that I do not want this to happen again!Over the last two weeks I've been reflecting on missed opportunities. ...my 2nd grade crush who actually liked me ...my 4th grade who actually liked me ...my crush in 8th grade who actually liked me ...the girl at my last job who actually liked me ...the Girl With The Glasses who I liked for three years who is now gone, who actually liked me. I have been clueless of their feelings because I feel unworthy of a beautiful woman's love, and I wonder what the hell they see in me. But now I am slowly building my confidence and reflecting on these girls/women who throughout my lonely life I let slip away. Shucks, I didn't even mention The Blonde Who Never Smiles. She gave me some of the most obvious signals, and she's gone from the workplace, too. My shyness is crippling my love life. Now here's the problem. I still have trouble talking to women. I still have trouble making eye contact. I do not know this New Girl personally, but she is a familiar face for the last 2+ years. I could never live with myself if I let this opportunity like this slip away.Guys I need your help, pleeeease. Any of your advice on how to approach this girl and introduce myself would be greatly appreciated because time is of the essence. I just heard today that my job let go of 10 more people. I just want to get to know her. I do not expect anything, I just want the opportunity to talk to her.A girl I had a crush on for ten years is married now. I keep using her marriage as a push for me to get someone so that I won't be lonely while she's happily married. I thought this would give me more confidence, but I am back to square freakin' one. What to do, what to do, what to-do?! I have the sense of humor, and I have the feeling The New Girl likes me, but I still can't make a move. I am embarrassed to be 31 years old and living with my parents. I think she would find me to silly to hang out with. I am inexperience with talking to women i like, And so on. And what's worse... I still think that maybe this is my imagination hoping an attractive woman would find me attractive. I should be the Poster Boy for shyness & low self esteem. Last edited by Max Power to apologize for the incredibly long and boring post.
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Post by sushiboat on Oct 1, 2004 16:55:53 GMT -5
Go up to her. You say, "Hi. Are you new here?" She answers. "Yes, I just started ___." You say, "OK, I thought so. My name is Max." She says, "My name is ____." You say, "I'm in the ___ department on the 3rd floor. Where do you work?" She answers. If any other small talk comes naturally, go with it. Otherwise, end the conversation. You say, "It's nice to meet you. I'll let you get back to your lunch."
Later, when you see her, either say hi, or if you are too far away, smile and wave.
This isn't meant to get you a date, but you said that's not your immediate goal. This is just meant to introduce yourself and get a foot in the door.
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Post by Boyfriend on Oct 2, 2004 2:53:09 GMT -5
I understand you completely, Max. I've also been shy for a long time (I'm 19), I had no real dates in my life, no real kiss, no sex... What I want to say is now I'm making a huge progress, I attend university and become more freely and relaxed. And what I'm gonna say - it's really easy to talk to a girl. The main thing is not to be boring. Ask things you normally wouldn't ask, start conversations more originally than sushiboat suggested, joke a lot - girls love it, be opened and feel relaxed. Don't use those banal conversation starting examples, it's so stupid and boring. Start with a joke, with a smile. If u're smiling, it's not so important what u're saying. She'll smile too. Man, if you want to get a girl, be crazy and funny. Remember, your attitude should be that she is just an ordinary girl, she's nothing special, like your sister for instance and she really even doesn't deserve you. You can do it, everyone of us can do it. Be courageous and good luck.
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ShyOne
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by ShyOne on Oct 2, 2004 11:26:49 GMT -5
Max, do NOT wait, you don't want to lose this one, it's better to just brave through a couple of mins of talking than to have to regret this for the rest of your life.Follow the advice others in this topic gave you. Here's what I'll do, one day at lunch, sit next to her, then make some small talk. I think sushiboat's plan of conversation is pretty good. Next time you see her, make eye contact, smile and wave your hand, or make eye contact, say "Hi" & "Hey" and wave your hand.I find it most polite to make eye contact and to also wave your hand to greet someone. Here are some conversation tips, you can try them if you want: www.conversation-tips.com/start_conversations_article.html
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Post by Kitten on Oct 2, 2004 14:12:58 GMT -5
The main thing is not to be boring. Ask things you normally wouldn't ask, start conversations more originally than sushiboat suggested, joke a lot - girls love it, be opened and feel relaxed. Don't use those banal conversation starting examples, it's so stupid and boring. Start with a joke, with a smile. If u're smiling, it's not so important what u're saying. She'll smile too. Man, if you want to get a girl, be crazy and funny. Good advice, although there's nothing bad about just starting with "hi" and introducing yourself. You don't want to joke about the wrong thing or offend her before she gets a chance to know you. I say keep it simple and light. At first. See, I totally disagree with this. Let her know you're interested. You're both adults, and she won't have time for mind games. When guys do stuff like that it just annoys me. She sounds like she's waiting for you to go talk to her, and if you act like you're too cool to show any interest, she'll just be confused. Be yourself. Ask her if you could sit at her table (provided she doesn't sit with a bunch of other peopole every day). Look her in the eye, smile as you talk to her. Once you're sitting down with her, you guys can talk about work and go from there. Whatever you do, Max, you have to act!
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Post by sushiboat on Oct 2, 2004 15:27:45 GMT -5
Actually, I agree with Boyfriend to be both funny and casual. The casual part is important. Just because a guy has been thinking about a woman and sees a flicker of interest doesn't mean she's ready to hear a confession of love. Romance is like a dance, with one person showing a little and then waiting for the other to show a little. Showing too much at the beginning is dumping, which is and looks desperate and needy -- a huge turn-off.
It takes practice to be comfortable, so for a first attempt, I think that my dialogue is pretty easy. I gave Max a more daring opening earlier, and he obviously passed on it, hehe.
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Post by CaryGrant on Oct 2, 2004 15:29:39 GMT -5
I agree with sushi 100%, and Boyfriend about 50%. You don't need to be brilliantly funny. According to the numerous dating books and articles I've read, the number one pickup line preferred by women is...wait for it...get a pen...ready? "Hi, my name is ___." Deep, huh? Variations such as, "Hi, how are you?" or any of the things sushi suggested also work perfectly well. I used to know this feeling all-too-well. So many opportunities I let go by. If you sense that a girl likes you, she almost certainly does. The key is to find a way to overcome the paralysis. Some ways that have worked for me: - As sushi suggested, I decided BEFORE I went to talk to awoman that I was just going to talk, not get a number, ask her out, etc. Just meet her and talk a bit. That has taken the internal pressure off enough to let me approach women.
- Did it before I had a chance to think about it. If I saw a woman I wanted to talk to, I would literally tell my brain to shut up, I'm doing this, and IMMEDIATELY approach. Even a short delay was often enough to let the fear become overwhelming.
- I would work up to it. Smile or wave, hoping for an encouraging sign. Walk by her table. Drop something by her table. Then, maybe next time, I could work up the nerve to actually say "Hi."
Remember, the fear is all in your head. It FEELS like you will die if you try and fail, but it is only a feeling. FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real. Oh - one more point. You have had several women interested in you. Remember that next time one tells you 'no,' or things don't work out. Good luck, and let us know! You can do it Max!! She is counting on you to make the first move!! Help her out!
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Cactus
Junior Member
Posts: 75
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Post by Cactus on Oct 2, 2004 15:33:10 GMT -5
Max, what exactly is it that you think this "new" girl is looking at when she looks at you? If you know she likes you (trust me, she wouldn't even glance at you if she wasn't interested), you have nothing to lose. You can't let things like the fact that you live with your parents and such get in the way. If you make contact (sorry, when you make contact), you'll get to know each other and things like that will come up, but it most likely won't even matter. If you two genuinely like each other, that becomes a non-issue. Even if it were, you'd find a way to make it a non-issue. Hopefully that made a little sense! O.k. so, if she really thought you were an "ogre" (the way you seem to think you are) and she found you checking her out, she'd probably stop looking at you altogether and be very standoffish. Since she does look at you (and fairly often from what I understand) it is fair to assume that she doesn't think that. It would also be fair to assume that if you are just able to make some kind of friendly gesture, that she will be more than happy to reciprocate. Why don't you just try being in a slightly closer proximity to her. This gives you more opportunities to "bump" into her or for her to make some kind of casual remark to you. If you can't work up the nerve to make the approach, make it really easy for her to approach you. If you happen to have an exchange, it opens the door for you to start a bit of a conversation. You'll have a foundation to build on. It may be difficult, but keep in mind that the possibilities of rejection throughout one's life don't count for that much in the grand scheme of life. You can risk a moment of rejection and embarrassment or a lifetime of loneliness. The choice is yours. It may not feel like you have a choice, but you do. You just have to make up your mind to do something about it. Then you do it. Don't think about it. Just Do it. Thinking won't get you anywhere but here and that's not a place you've been happy with thus far. Bite the bullet! Take the plunge! Know that you deserve to be happy and then take steps to become that way. Silence your mind and do it. I know somewhere deep down, you have what it takes. Just let that come to the surface and trust yourself and your instincts.
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Post by Icarus X on Oct 3, 2004 2:41:41 GMT -5
So this is what I have to look forward to if there's ever a girl who likes me. Not very encouraging...
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Post by Max Power on Oct 3, 2004 22:19:16 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your advice and help with this matter. I will read this thread tomorrow before I go to lunch so I can have a plan. ...what exactly is it that you think this "new" girl is looking at when she looks at you? This is what makes me think back and wonder if it is my imagination. See, the difference between this girl and The Girl With The Glasses is that I noticed The Girl With The Glasses about a few months before I picked up that she may like me. With this new girl, I never even noticed her until, day by day I noticed she always sat and faced me. No big deal, but that's what I did with The Girl With The Glasses. Then I began to look in her direction, and most of the time she was looking at me, quickly looking away. Still, I'm thinking it's my imagination. But her pattern with me is my pattern with The Girl With The Glasses, always facing them, catching quick glances, then noticing this action and suspecting this person finds you attractive. But I've been getting a 6th Sense about this new girl (By the way, when I say new, I mean new as in "New Crush"... this saga with her has been ongoing for two years. ) Anyways, I'll eat my lunch, paying no attention to my surroundings while mingling with my co-workers, but then out of the corner of my eye I feel someone watching me, and it's always her. There were times when there are plenty of empty seats and I guess where she'll sit, facing me, and sure enough she sits there. It's happened too many times to be a coincidence. And recently, the last few times I've seen her, the eye contact she gives me is... well hard to describe. But only one way to find out, right? Our routine is like clockwork. I go to the cafeteria with my co-workers at 12:30 on the dot. She always gets there at 1:00. She always sits with a few friends, one guy in particular, and they are always together. Tomorrow, I am going find that window of opportunity and go for it... ok, I'll try. Because I'm already eating lunch by the time she takes her seat, it's going to take a hell of an effort for me to get up and meet her. I'll start with a hello, how are you, just so that I can say something to her, and take it from there. Since the company is merging and everyone seems to be in danger of losing their jobs, we have that to talk about. I have a great sense of humor, but I get so damn silly, God I hope I don't appear childlike to her. Jokes come easy for me, but I hope that I don't get so nervous that I have to reach deep into the well and come out with a clunker. Either way, she's not getting away like The Girl With The Glasses... who everyday I lay out hope for... There was a third girl who gave me obvious clues and my shyness screwed me up. She's long gone now, too. There was one day when she kept looking at me, and I couldn't look at her once. My co-worker kept telling me that this girl was looking at me, and all I did was ignore her because of my low self esteem and shyness. I had the perfect opportunity to talk to her. I was getting fish from a table, and she approached the table, staring at the table. She stood there for a looooong while, just looking, and I wanted to say, "having a hard time deciding what you want, huh?" but I couldn't. Imagine if I said that, if I had said something, ANYTHING, I might have a girlfriend right now. I knew this girl liked me, I had my chance, and I let it slip through my fingers. Same situation with The Girl With The Glasses. I'm at the salad bar and I saw her do a double-take when she saw me. I wanted to say something about the food to break the ice, but I got so nervous, that I ran out of there. This gorgeous girl who I admired from afar, who may have liked me, and I choked! I cannot let opportunities like these slip away ever again. Thanks again guys. I'll post the next time I see her/talk to her/blush/pee in my pants/you get the idea.
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Post by CaryGrant on Oct 4, 2004 11:09:56 GMT -5
Ok, I'm dying to know what happened. It's great that you're so agitated - you sound very determined to make something happen.
Can you go to lunch later? So that you arrive after she does, thus not giving you 30 minutes to stress over it? You just walk in, there she is, you walk by and say hi? I'm suggesting some sort of break to your usual routine to help you also break out of other patterns.
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ShyOne
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by ShyOne on Oct 4, 2004 17:35:18 GMT -5
so Max how did it go?
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Post by Max Power on Oct 4, 2004 19:38:33 GMT -5
Well nothing really happened today. I was sitting in a spot where I can't see who's coming in and who's leaving, but I did go to the dessert table at around 1:00 to see if she was getting her meal. I saw her about 20 minutes later than her usual time, but since she was with her usual guy friend who she has lunch with, I didn't do anything, and by the time I saw her, it was time for me to leave anyway. Wasn't meant to be today. I'll see what happens tomorrow. Thanks for asking!
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ShyOne
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by ShyOne on Oct 4, 2004 19:49:07 GMT -5
don't worry there's always tomorrow.
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Post by Max Power on Oct 5, 2004 13:28:45 GMT -5
Operation: Talk To The Girl, Day 2 Today was unique, it gave me hope but I realize that eye contact is definitely my bugaboo. Today the new girl, who my friend dubbed, "Pixie Girl" was 20 minutes later than her usual time. I thought she wasn't going to come to have lunch today. I was sitting where I had a view of everyone at the cash register, so I was definitely looking for her. Then, out of nowhere, she literally pops into sight, but here's the funny part. When I saw her, it looked as if she was looking for me, as I was sitting on the inside of the booth. Was this my imagination? Perhaps. So she gets her utensils, which was near my table, and I decided to make eye contact and smile to break the ice. When she turned to face me, she looked at me for a split second before walking to her table. Was she indeed looking at me, I thought, or was I simply in her line of view? Now here's the discouraging part, and I have only myself to blame. As I walked out, she was sitting with another male friend of her's, and I couldn't look at her. I rushed out of there, but then I decided to walk in there again, get a snack and make a subtle move. But I was still so so nervous. But I was determined to walk past her table and give her a smile, but unfortunately her part of the cafeteria was crowded, so I ran out of there. I still have so many fears and insecurities, but I have made a teeny tiny bit of progress. A year ago, I never would've made any eye contact. The fact that I did, minimal as it was, is a step... a baby step. But there is still that low self esteem that I am battling. When she looked at me, I thought to myself, "God, what does this girl see in me? It must be my imagination making up a fantasy that this girl likes me, basing it on eye contact that makes me feel warm and toasty inside." I tend to like girls from afar. The fact that one liked me back was mind boggling. She's gone. The fact that two liked me was inconprehensible. She's gone. The fact that three, three pretty girls like me is something of legend that I could only tell my grandkids around the campfire. Who knows, maybe Pixie Girl will be their grandmother. Wouldn't that make for a happy ending? Only one way to make that a possibility, if I get off my ass and talk to her. Tune in tomorrow for the next chapter of... Max Power Tries To Talk To Pixie Girl!
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