Post by iroseiroared3 on Sept 24, 2006 1:59:50 GMT -5
Hey there,
Ugh! I can't even believe I am bringing this up, or thinking about this. This type of thing has NEVER crossed my mind to do, until now. But recently something sort of happened, well nothing really physically happened, but something in my head happened where I felt I wanted this type of relationship with a particular person, and it's just been messing with my head sense.
Well I was with my friend and her friend (who is a guy), and we ended up sharing a hotel together. When he left the room, I jokingly jumped into his bed. I had done this once before, but he just playfully pushed me off the bed. However, this time, he put his arm around me, and when my (our) friend came over and asked what we were doing, he said we were cuddling.
Well, we were both slightly intoxicated at the moment, so I don't know if that has anything to do with anything, but I was afraid then that I might do something with him. I had no feelings for him whatsoever, but since he had put his arm around me, I figured why the hell not.
Well, then I invited him into my bed, and fearing something might happen, I said, "Just so you know, this means nothing." He said, "I know," but i'm not sure if he really "knew" or not. Nothing did end up happening because I ended up saying something kinda mean, not intending to, but which totally turned him off.
Anyway, the next couple days I was flirting with him the whole time, and I did not like him in a romantic, but I just felt like something was making me flirt with him. I knew he wasn't my type, but I couldn't stop. I resolved to let him know that this didn't mean anything, if indeed something would end up happening, because I didn't want to lead him on, but then again, coming out and saying, "I'm using you," isn't exactly nice either. But I could not explain why I was doing/feeling what I was feeling.
The last night, I thought that something would happen but we ended up getting into a fight and I ended up leaving the room, so that was that.
But afterwards, when we were all departed from one another, I couldn't stop thinking about him. And I know for sure I do not have a crush on him, but the thing is, I guess I felt comfortable with him. It's not that the feelings were passionate towards him, just that, if I wanted some kind of sexual experience, which I felt I was desperately lacking and I think he did as well, that I could have it with him and feel safe with him.. as a friend. I knew he was nice and I could trust him and he would not judge me by the way I looked (he had told me more than once that I was "cute"). And I thought what a perfect opportunity for both of us, with no attachments.. which I realized, is basically a friend with benefits. But which is something I've never ever wanted, because there ar eno feelings involved. Nothing close to being as great as a real relationship.
But now I feel like I have to be with him one time, in some sexual way, to resolve this whole issue, and then move on to a real relationship. But that makes me nothing but a fucking bitch who just wants to use someone. I can not even believe this is going on in my mind because I have NEVER felt this way before. I don't know if this is normal and I am being too hard on myself, or if I am this truly bitter evil manipulative bitch. I wish I could just resolve this already. Has anyone else felt like this before, or is this just something that everyone goes through in their life at some point?
Ugh! I can't even believe I am bringing this up, or thinking about this. This type of thing has NEVER crossed my mind to do, until now. But recently something sort of happened, well nothing really physically happened, but something in my head happened where I felt I wanted this type of relationship with a particular person, and it's just been messing with my head sense.
Well I was with my friend and her friend (who is a guy), and we ended up sharing a hotel together. When he left the room, I jokingly jumped into his bed. I had done this once before, but he just playfully pushed me off the bed. However, this time, he put his arm around me, and when my (our) friend came over and asked what we were doing, he said we were cuddling.
Well, we were both slightly intoxicated at the moment, so I don't know if that has anything to do with anything, but I was afraid then that I might do something with him. I had no feelings for him whatsoever, but since he had put his arm around me, I figured why the hell not.
Well, then I invited him into my bed, and fearing something might happen, I said, "Just so you know, this means nothing." He said, "I know," but i'm not sure if he really "knew" or not. Nothing did end up happening because I ended up saying something kinda mean, not intending to, but which totally turned him off.
Anyway, the next couple days I was flirting with him the whole time, and I did not like him in a romantic, but I just felt like something was making me flirt with him. I knew he wasn't my type, but I couldn't stop. I resolved to let him know that this didn't mean anything, if indeed something would end up happening, because I didn't want to lead him on, but then again, coming out and saying, "I'm using you," isn't exactly nice either. But I could not explain why I was doing/feeling what I was feeling.
The last night, I thought that something would happen but we ended up getting into a fight and I ended up leaving the room, so that was that.
But afterwards, when we were all departed from one another, I couldn't stop thinking about him. And I know for sure I do not have a crush on him, but the thing is, I guess I felt comfortable with him. It's not that the feelings were passionate towards him, just that, if I wanted some kind of sexual experience, which I felt I was desperately lacking and I think he did as well, that I could have it with him and feel safe with him.. as a friend. I knew he was nice and I could trust him and he would not judge me by the way I looked (he had told me more than once that I was "cute"). And I thought what a perfect opportunity for both of us, with no attachments.. which I realized, is basically a friend with benefits. But which is something I've never ever wanted, because there ar eno feelings involved. Nothing close to being as great as a real relationship.
But now I feel like I have to be with him one time, in some sexual way, to resolve this whole issue, and then move on to a real relationship. But that makes me nothing but a fucking bitch who just wants to use someone. I can not even believe this is going on in my mind because I have NEVER felt this way before. I don't know if this is normal and I am being too hard on myself, or if I am this truly bitter evil manipulative bitch. I wish I could just resolve this already. Has anyone else felt like this before, or is this just something that everyone goes through in their life at some point?
Sex can be a lovely special thing between two people blah blah blah....but it doesn't have to be. Its only what you make it out to be. If you want him and he wants you, I see no reason not to.
