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Post by spitzig on Dec 6, 2003 20:35:05 GMT -5
What was the age range there?
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Post by CaryGrant on Dec 7, 2003 11:49:36 GMT -5
Depending upon who is running the event, the age range for the event varies. For this one, the range was (I believe) 25-38. I am just over 40, and the girl who approached me was 23, so obviously they bend the rules. There is another one this Wednesday that I am contemplating attended, and the age range there is 40-55.
So far, I have a "date" (really a meeting for coffee/tea at a coffee house) on Monday, plus another woman who said to call her next week, and another (the 23-yo) who called me yesterday and whom I will call back today.
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Post by EdgedInBlue on Dec 8, 2003 4:51:41 GMT -5
whoa! You made out pretty well! Congrats Though my experience in the dating field is...well, minimal, I don't suggest that you rush things or just go after the first woman that's interested in you. You seem like a nice, charming guy and to a certain extent you need to be a little particular about the women you date. What I did was I ended up in a serious relationship with the first guy that was very obviously interested in me (turned out to be a two timing control freak) and as I came to my senses I realized that the only reason I was with this guy was because I figured he was the only one who would ever be interested in me. If this is something you've already thought about, I apologize, but just make sure that you have something in common with the women you date before going further
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Post by CaryGrant on Dec 8, 2003 12:06:02 GMT -5
Thanks, Blue. You are entirely right - my pattern has been to fall for almost any woman who is interested in me, figuring myself lucky to have anyone! Part of the reason for speed-dating is to practice being the chooser as much as the chosen - to make it a mutual decision. I find that talking to and dating women (well, it will help once the dates actually start) helps me work through what is important to me.
For example, the woman in my last relationship was very kind, loving, thoughtful, and giving in ways that I had never experienced before. This was an eye-opener for me, and I realised I had been settling for less than I wanted in previous relationships. So now this "giving" attitude has become one of my "must-have" criteria.
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Post by Boblouie58 on Dec 9, 2003 1:56:09 GMT -5
CG- Relationships work when each person gives. The emphasis should be more on giving than taking, as to make a relationship work is supposed to take alot of "give and take". What usually happens is one party gives more and the other takes more. Just a point to make here. But this is not to say, that you should or shouldn't like a woman just because she seems to take more than she gives. Or that you give more than she does. Relationships work usually as people find a commonality of interests. Trying to date someone who doesn't have any of your interests, is a disaster waiting to happen and you best find someone else and not waste your time. Have you invited the rowing team out for a beer yet? ;D Another example of giving of yourself as a partner in the team efforts. Try it, you will be surprised how well it works.
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Post by CaryGrant on Dec 14, 2003 12:16:38 GMT -5
Follow-up on the first dates from the speed-dating:
Met M for coffee, and talked for about an hour. She is very nice, but I felt there was a real difference in values, so I didn't think a second date was worth it. So, at the end of the date, I said exactly what my dating book suggested, "It was very nice meeting you."
She was floored, partly because she was quite a bit more interested in me (she wanted to extend the date and was clearly expecting me to suggest a second date), and partly because few people have the guts to say what I did. (Yes, patting myself on the back.) Most people say "We'll have to get together again," or words to that effect, even when they have no intention of doing so, and then nobody knows where they stand.
Anyway, she went into a long spiel about how honesty was great, etc., and then we parted company. I could tell that she respected me for doing what I did, which was nice to see. M is early 30s.
Next date, met K for coffee, then went for a walk, then to her place for tea. Hmm...my dating books say this is generally an invitation to more than tea. However, while showing me her new house, she very quickly pointed out her bedroom and moved on. Anyway, I didn't want to push it - for my own reasons, which I'll explain shortly.
We talked for about 2 hours, and she invited me to go out with her sister for dinner, but I had other plans, so I left. I didn't detect a huge amount of chemistry, but I had resolved to stop looking for instant sparks, which has landed me in big trouble before. (I've tended to "fall in love" very quickly, but I now know it was really just lust or infatuation. Love takes time.) I did think there was enough to try another date. I did not try to kiss her goodbye, though I think she was open to it.
K is 23, I am 42. I asked about this; she intentionally selected older men because she finds she has little in common with men her own age. K has her own money, so it's not that.
I am still hoping to go out with V, who I found most attractive, but who has been busy or sick. I will be persistent with her - women like persistent men!
These dates have been extremely useful to me in building confidence, but also in helping me think through what I want. In previous relationships, I've let the women lead. If they wanted intimacy, sexual or otherwise, I would simply follow their lead. In the hope that this will be helpful to other shy people, here is what I worked through:
1. Kissing, making out, fondling are ok on any date, if I want to (and if she does too, of course).
2. Sex is to be reserved for women that I get serious with. Not "in love," but someone I have dated 4-6 times over the course of 4-6 weeks, and with whom I think there could be a chance.
3. No "falling in love" or saying such until at least 6 months of dating.
I made these rules not only to take pressure off myself, but also to know what I want. I know that, for me, sex causes me to feel more deeply about someone, so I don't want that until I have built a level of trust and think we may go somewhere. (We may not last, but I'm not holding off on sex until I "know.") Having sex too early in a relationship just mixes me up.
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Post by spitzig on Dec 14, 2003 13:50:37 GMT -5
A friend was telling me that after sex, a lot of people stop getting to know each other as much. Instead of having a dinner(or whatever) and talking, they just fu*k. She's a therapist, so I'm guessing this is based on studies.
Of course, that doesn't have to happen, just because people are screwing. Couples who have sex can still make efforts to talk a lot.
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Post by CaryGrant on Jan 2, 2004 12:19:19 GMT -5
Spitz, most dating books advise NOT having sex until a relationship based on trust and respect has been built, meaning probably after 4-6 dates minimum, meaning 4-6 weeks. As you mentioned, one of the problems is that starting sex too early can inhibit other aspects of the relationship. Happy Nonshy Year, everyone! I decided that 2004 is the "Year of Coming Home" for me. Meaning that I will feel at home with myself and with others. Specifically: Internally: I will see be true to myself, secure in and accepting of who I am, and choose positive interpretations. I will make a home in my new city. Externally: I will have a group of at least four close friends (with whom I do stuff regularly), date regularly (without worrying about finding "the one"), and have an active social life in which I enjoy going out and people invite me to events. I held off on other, material goals, because I don't care about that stuff so much - I have found it doesn't contribute to happiness, and excessive pursuit of material things actually distracts from happiness. That said, there has to be enough money to support myself comfortably, or that will be a distraction, too. ;D
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Post by CaryGrant on Jan 13, 2004 12:07:42 GMT -5
Well, things are chugging along, not as quickly as I would like, but when I set aside my impatience about where I wish things were, I have to admit that progress is being made.
First, I've been dating (meaning different women), none of which I decided have future potential. The good news is that, a) I've had several dates, b) I was sufficiently unselfconscious to observe the women and I made the choice to not continue, c) I'm not looking for instant chemistry, a common problem with shy people - and certainly something I have done in the past.
Second, I am starting to be accepted in the groups I joined. Better, some of the relationships are going deeper than "Hi, how are ya?"; there are possible friendships slowly developing. As I spend more time in these groups, there will be more possibilities for this.
Third, it looks like I will exchange my current work-at-home situation for work in an office. This is a drag in some ways, but I chose the office partly because I'll meet many people on a regular basis, again making connections and very importantly, expanding my comfort zone. Not that I haven't worked in an office before, but now I want to actively pursue relationships - friends and just people to do stuff with, and the regular contact offers a great chance for this.
My "intuitive counselor" friend said that allowing all of 2004 to "come home" is a wise plan. I know that I'll feel more and more at home as the year goes by, but it is a process. Overcoming shyness and learning social skills is a process, requiring patience and practice - experimentation, really.
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Post by Placido on Jan 14, 2004 7:04:38 GMT -5
An office is a great place to practise social skills - it's a repetitive environment where you can keep trying things out, and the sheer length of time you're there gives you time to try plenty of 'experiments' each day.
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Post by Naptaq on Jan 17, 2004 9:39:11 GMT -5
Cg u said you had a wife and you've been married.. it sounds to me u had a good time.. it may sound boring to you but tell us how did you meet her, how was it to see your kid beeing born.. i mean there as some realy kewl memories in your life i sure
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Post by CaryGrant on Jan 19, 2004 11:15:17 GMT -5
Placido - exactly. And, my "intuitive counselor," who generally is not the predicting kind, has said that I will meet a friend and romantic interest almost immediately upon starting this new job! I'm a skeptical person, but hey, who knows? Naptaq - yes, I do have some good memories. It is easy for me to say "Oh, but they would have been so much better had I not been cosumed with shyness at the time," but thinking about life that way means I could never be happy, because I'll always be growing. I posted elsewhere how I met my wives, actually, there have been two. We all have our individual challenges with shyness. One result of mine has been that I tended to seek out a woman with whom there was some mutual chemistry, fall madly in love with her, and then want to make it a serious, committed relationship. I would wrap my life around her, and she around me, and then who needs friends, right? Well, wrong, of course. I "fell in love" to prevent myself from facing up to my fears, and wrapped myself around my wife's or girlfriend's life for the same reason. I don't do that anymore, haven't for some time. Also, I have deliberately slowed the pace of my life. I used to be busy, busy, busy. I owned businesses while working full-time jobs, or I was going to school and working, or I always had something on the go (never something social, of course). However, that busyness prevented me from, again, deciding what I wanted out of life. I was ambitious because my parents/society define success as material accumulation, or recognition, or power. By slowing down my life, I've been able to get in touch with what is important to me. For some years I have been allowing balance into my life, and I have to say it feels good. Now I have time to read, or go for a walk, or watch TV, or write in my journal, or work on overcoming some aspect of SA, or do whatever I damn well choose to do. My life is mine; I don't owe it to any social causes, the environment, or some definition of success that I don't buy. If I give my time and energy, which is really all any of us have, to any cause or pursuit, it is now my conscious choice.
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Post by Smiley on Jan 29, 2004 4:12:33 GMT -5
Hello, I am aware of my shyness since childhood but never ever tried overcoming it ( I did think about it many times but could never force myself to do anything), may be because it is convenient not to do anything! Today I went to a conference, there were many people I knew but found it extremely difficult to start a small talk. So I was too depressed & started looking into Internet & I found this website & realized that I am not alone and it is possible to overcome this problem. Few points I’ve noticed about myself are: 1) there are occasions when I feel hyper excited about something and few hrs later I will feel extremely depressed forcing me to hide in my cocoon. During these depressed moments only I’ll think of taking some treatment for my shyness. 2) It is very difficult for me to maintain my interest in a topic. I fluctuate a lot. After reading your discussion I realized that my shyness may be due to lack of group activities. So I feel joining a sports class, sitting at starbucks are good ideas. Moreover, I am thinking maintain a record of my attempts in making conversations which will help me to make regular sustained attempts in overcoming shyness. Wish me good luck.
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Post by spitzig on Jan 30, 2004 3:01:11 GMT -5
Few points I’ve noticed about myself are: 1) there are occasions when I feel hyper excited about something and few hrs later I will feel extremely depressed forcing me to hide in my cocoon. During these depressed moments only I’ll think of taking some treatment for my shyness. 2) It is very difficult for me to maintain my interest in a topic. I fluctuate a lot. I'm by no means a psychologist, so do your own research before paying any attention to me, but these don't sound like traits that are particularly related to shyness. They sound more like ADD/ADHD to me. I'm not as sure about the first, though. You might want to look into bipolar for the first one. I know bipolar people have the big highs and lows. I'm sure shyness would make these traits more problematic, as most psychological difficulties get more fun when they interact...
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Post by CaryGrant on Jan 31, 2004 14:24:27 GMT -5
I let other people influence me too much. If they're shy/nervous/etc., then I tend to pick up on that. I want to live my life for me, according to my standards. I want to let that fun and goofy guy inside out more often, not just with people who somehow manage to put me at ease.
I am fortunate in that I have been fun and charming and outrageous and whatever I felt like in the past, though I could only do it with someone I felt very safe being that way, mainly because they were leading the way. I want to be that person! Then I can help other people let loose!
It's all part of being true to myself, my primary personal goal for this year. Discover myself, be true to myself. I'm at least halfway there, I think. As with other aspects of shyness, small steps: I don't have to turn into a wild-and-crazy guy overnight, and I wouldn't want to be that kind of person, anyway. As my sister tells me, "Embrace my quirkiness!"
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