My name is ..., and I am shy

[CaryGrant]

Hi All,

Finally decided to come out of the closet with this shy thing. More accurately, I finally became conscious of the fact that I am shy, and that it's time to do something about it.

I am writing all this in the hopes that:
a) It will help someone else
b) It will help me.

All my life (age 42), I've vacillated between introverted behavior and forcing myself to do things to get myself out of my shell. Recently, for example, I very nearly went to Russia to teach English, have just finished talking myself out of joining the Naval Reserve. Finally, though, I am devoting energy to figuring out why I think about or do these things.

Russia was all about the idea of being popular because I would be unique. Sad, but true. Even sadder, the women would have been all over me because of this - and because I could get a future Mrs. Grant out of Russia. Joining the Reserve would have been an attempt to have someone else instill confidence in me, as I seem to have been unable to do this myself.

Being shy is no fun, as we all know. In fact, it sucks, because I can feel my missed potential - my wasted life, all due to fears about what others will think. Some of those others are not even alive, like my grandfather. And I've always wanted to have a decent level of self-confidence, but shyness has led me to further and further from any chance of feeling good about myself. It gets worse the older I get, and maybe that is why I am finally ready to do something about it. I'm like the addict who has hit "rock bottom," and realises it's never too late to turn one's life around.

To be fair to myself, I have tried all my life to be more confident, and felt pretty badly about it when all my attempts failed. I've been to an Anthony Robbins weekend seminar ($US 1100, ten years ago!), read literally hundreds of self-help books, been treated by half-a-dozen therapists, and unconsciously put myself in positions where I would be forced to be more outgoing and act confident (such as teaching for 2/3 of a year in an inner city school - after which I pretty much couldn't take it any more).

While in some situations I am not shy, and in others I can force myself to act moderately confident, in many situations I am worthless. Like returning something I didn't like to a store. Asking a woman out. Making friends.

About dating: I have tried video dating (Great Expectations, $US 2500), numerous Internet services (match, lavalife, etc.), speed dating, singles parties, personals ads, Russian women - just about everything except meeting and asking women out face-to-face.

Finally, I've come to realise that I need friends more than girlfriends (if I'm not too old to use that term , and I know that was part of the motivation for joining the Reserve - instant camraderie.

Shyness has caused me to sabotage almost everything I've tried to accomplish, even though others often see me as confident. I was promoted to a management position, for example, and I just couldn't bring myself to direct other people. I didn't think I had any right telling other adults what to do. I rationalised this away by telling myself that I wanted to work with mature adults who didn't need to be told what to do, but this was just an evasion. Everyone needs guidance at times, and it is the responsibility of the person in the position of responsibility to provide it.

Another example: in dating, I would struggle sexually, often failing, because I was "testing" to see if the other person really cared for worthless me.

I had - and still have - trouble hugging my children or showing them affection, because I am afraid of being rejected by my own children. How sad is that? Ex-wife #1 thought I was crazy. How many one-year-olds don't want to be hugged by their dad? But I couldn't get over it. Now I force myself to hug my kids, because they need it - and so do I.

I recently returned to Canada, and chose to live in the same city as my sister and cousin, to at least allow the possibility for seeing other people. And when I had to find a new apartment, I "knew" it had to be downtown, because there is ready opportunity for mingling and meeting people.

But - as the saying goes: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I recently bought a book called "Shyness: A Bold New Approach," by Bernardo J. Carducci, and it has been very helpful. I have a looooong way to go, but this is the first book/therapist to make me believe that there is hope.

Some of my "learnings" from the book:
My low self-confidence has been caused in large part by my shyness, and can be increased by overcoming my shyness.
Self-confidence is only indirectly changeable. I increase my self-esteem by doing things that make me feel good about myself.
"Forced extroversion," which I have tried from time-to-time, almost always fails and results in even lower self-esteem. This is because I force myself so far out of my comfort zone that my anxiety sabotages attempts at confident behavior.
Small steps are the solution, as long as my comfort zone is always being expanded. Persistence is more important than the size of the step, as it will feel uncomfortable until it becomes part of my new comfort zone. Any step in the direction of the destination will get you there.

To put this into practice, I've listed several steps I can take to get going in the right direction:
1. I've started going to a local Starbucks to do my reading, and even to write in my journal. This has resulted in the occasional conversation.
2. I'm seeking out places where depth and quiet conversation are valued, these being strengths of introverted, shy people like me. For example, there is a writer's workshop where people discuss their works, or a film session where a film is shown and then discussed.
3. I take the focus off myself, and look around for other people who seem quiet. Then I situate myself near them, and compare myself to them, rather than to gregarious extroverts.
4. I joined a hiking club and a rowing class. I can talk or not, my choice.
5. I committed to striking up casual conversations with random people. Nothing deep, no invitations to meet or anything that I would find threatening right now. Just a start.

Ok - hope this helps someone. I'll keep this diary going if people are interested. I'm tired of being shy, and refuse to let it run my life.

All the best,
CG

[Mythangel]

Hey Welcome, i`m new here too. You sound like you have Social Anxiety Disorder, that`s what i`m suffering from. I`m 41yrs and i`ve been suffering from it all my life.I haven`t found a cure yet , and to tell you the truth i`m ready to give up and stop fighting it.Anyways welcome, you`ll like this place.

[glenn miller]

i understand u. i am not like u. but i am pretty shy.

[CaryGrant]

Thanks for the support, Mythangel and gm. I know that shyness is "curable," because I'm less shy now in some areas than I used to be, and I know it is because I (unconsciously) put myself in "growth situations" until they became comfortable. To put it another way, I stretched my comfort zone until it expanded - in certain areas.

Now I am consciously stretching myself, being careful not to overextend myself. I know this leads to being more shy when I do that.

I have been seeking out things I can do that will allow me to be as social as I am slightly uncomfortable being. For example, I joined a rowing class, I do my reading at a local Starbucks, and I'm going to a writer's group where work is read and discussed - and I will participate to the extent that I feel comfortable in these things.

The rowing class has already provided some interesting "growth opportunities." I am the only male in a class of six women plus a female instructor. ;D This has resulted in me, the big strong male, being asked to help with little things like loosening an oarlock that the women couldn't get. It was a small thing, but it made me feel good.

Because it is a low pressure situation, I have been able to observe the others in the class rather than continually obsessing about the impression I am making. This has been very helpful, as I've noticed that everybody except the instructor seems at least somewhat shy! How about that! I take the focus off myself and discover I'm not so different after all. If there is a shy <----> non-shy continuum, many of the people in this class would all be more toward the shy end.

Finally, one woman in the class has taken an interest in me, whether as a friend or more I do not yet know. I made myself hang around after class yesterday because she was, and we talked for a bit. I was about 30% successful in shutting off the judgemental voices in my head, and actually paying attention to her. 30% isn't much, but it is much better than I have managed in the past.

Anyway, when I noticed she was going to walk home, I offered her a ride, she accepted, and we chatted all the way there. Afterward, I refused to evaluate myself on my performance, whether I had said the wrong things, and how many of them, etc. Instead, I tried to be more objective about the whole thing, and came to the conclusion that she is somewhat shy herself, probably also looking for a friend, and likes me.

It is amazing how quickly the positive results can come when I put myself in low-pressure situations, because then the fears don't shut me down completely. By positive results, I mean feeling better about myself, expanding my comfort zone, being able to be more positive and objective about myself and the world. Finding a potential friend is a huge bonus, but the real reward is becoming even a little less ruled by shyness.

[CaryGrant]

I actually went out and met some new people last night, and that made me realise how far I've come. I am still definitely shy, or socially anxious, but it is much less general and now more general. By making myself take small - sometimes tiny! - steps toward being outgoing, I have become more comfortable in many social situations.

Some examples of how bad I used to be:
I started playing hockey at the age of ~30, and would not shower in the dressing room afterward. I would go home and shower. Even changing beforehand was very difficult. Now, no big deal.
On the rare occasions when I would attempt to talk to others, I would either say almost nothing and hope they would draw me out, or I would blurt out inappropriate stuff, as if we were best buddies already.
I have never just dated a woman. Never. Always, my goal was to get her into a committed relationship asap. I was afraid she would discover the real me and run. Now, I only want to date, to take things slowly.
My stomach would get extremely upset during social situations that went anywhere beyond the superficial. If there was any possibility of intimacy (meaning sexual or just moving past pleasantries to actual friendship), my stomach would rebel.

This last one is one I am working on now, because I am still afraid of intimacy. However, last night I did very well with the people I was out with. I told them I was not very outgoing, and they did not buy it! It helps that one woman was just a really nice person. (For those of you who are in high school, as people get older some of them will mature and will do their best to make you feel at ease.)

There were two women and two men, including me. The women were talking about going to see a movie, and did not invite me. I assumed (of course) that they did not want me to go. Later, they did invite me, and I asked why they didn't invite me the first time. Their response, which I believe was sincere, was that they expected me to invite myself. After all, they were talking about going to a movie in front of me, so that meant it was open to anyone present. Duh. But these are lessons that shy people have to learn.

Though they did not believe I was not outgoing, I still struggle with moving past superficialities. I can chit-chat about the weather, but to ask a potential friend to get together again, or a woman out on a date (and if we should ever get to the bedroom - I need an EEK smiley!), is still very intimidating.

One of the best things is that I was able to focus, at least most of the time, on others. I was able to pick up social cues, determine that they liked me, gauge their reactions to what people said (including me), and so on. In the past, I have been so worried about the impression I am making that I am blind to other people's reactions, and usually end up doing inappropriate things.

This is my next step, because by learning this I will become comfortable around people in general and, finally, develop a circle of friends. And I will get dates by means other than the Internet. I still avoid situations that are not conducive to me being outgoing: large groups, loud music, heavy drinking, that sort of thing.

[glenn miller]

i think being is curable. i have gotten better since i was little. but i am still shy. i play hockey an i dont take a shower after. i take it when i get home. i have a hard time speaking in big groups. from 15 people or more. i dont have much friends so that does not help alot. it is hard for me to get a job if i go through an interview. i would liek to here from u.

[CaryGrant]

Hi GM - I know how you feel. You can PM me if you wish. I avoid large groups, too. If you stand back and study a group of 15+, you'll notice that many people are saying little or nothing. The most extroverted dominate the situation. I prefer smaller groups, maximum six people, preferably 3-4.

My focus now is on learning how to make friends, because I've always stalled at the level of superficial conversation; I didn't know how to get past that. Now I know, and just have to make myself do it. I find small groups conducive to this.

[spitzig]

CaryGrant said:

There were two women and two men, including me. The women were talking about going to see a movie, and did not invite me. I assumed (of course) that they did not want me to go. Later, they did invite me, and I asked why they didn't invite me the first time. Their response, which I believe was sincere, was that they expected me to invite myself. After all, they were talking about going to a movie in front of me, so that meant it was open to anyone present. Duh. But these are lessons that shy people have to learn.

I've heard the same thing--that people are supposed to invite themselves to stuff. And, when you do that, those people will know you are interested in the thing later, and invite you later.

My problems with it now, are 1. How do you know when you are supposed to invite yourself and when is this thing just a thing between them. 2. How do you invite yourself? "Can I come too" sounds like a little kid. Sometimes, you can say "ooh, that sounds like fun," But that's not quite inviting yourself

[CaryGrant]

Hey spitzig - can't say I have all the answers, because I'm learning, too! However, to the two women, it was obvious that discussing an activity in front of me meant that I was invited (provided I picked up on it).

How to do so? Your "ooh, that sounds like fun" is perfect and what they were expecting to hear if I wanted to go. (By my NOT saying anything like that, they assumed that I did not want to go.) And it would give them the opportunity to make clear to me that I was not invited, if that had been the case.

Note: if this had happened, a normal person would have been embarrassed and felt badly for misleading me. A caveat: there are rude and immature people who will discuss things in front of you to which they do not want you to come. This is probably more common in high school. However, these people are rare, as this is, in fact, very rude.

[CaryGrant]

I keep taking steps to overcome shyness, as I'm afraid of losing the progress I've made so far or losing momentum. I put an ad in the local paper to start an "Overcoming Shyness/Social Anxiety" support group, for example. I'll let everyone know how that goes, if it does! After all, shy people may be too shy to come!

I do almost all my reading and writing in my journal in coffeeshops now. There are always opportunities to say "Hi," at least, and occasionally more. I have noticed that the opportunities for more depend upon me. If I want to strike up a conversation, there are usually people nearby who are interested. I used to think there was never anyone who wanted to talk, but that was my perception, not reality.

I play recreational hockey, and my play has improved enormously in just the last two games. I haven't suddenly become more taleneted - I've become more confident and less concerned about what the other guys think.

I still have a long way to go. I'm not dating anyone, and I really want to become confident enough to ask women out - and to pick up on the signals they are sending.

Also, I'm writing a book, and am blocked. The book is about a lonely guy who somehow hooks up with a movie star (clearly a shy-guy fantasy!). However, the point is that I put too much of me into the fantasy, and I don't see myself as worthy of meeting someone confident and successful in their chosen field, so I can't complete the book. So another goal is to overcome this, so that I feel worthy of meeting anyone.

Ultimately, I would like to go have fun at karaoke! This goal is in the distant future. But some people just go and have fun, and don't really mind what other people think. I want to get there.

[CaryGrant]

Ever notice that progress comes in fits and starts? It's not a steady progression, unless one looks at it over a long time frame.

For example, I have been making a huge effort to go out and be more social. My "Shyness" book suggested staying in only one night per week! This would be a reversal of my usual pattern. So, I play hockey three days each week, rowing twice, now outrigger canoeing twice, trying to start volleyball once, doing my reading and journal writing in coffee shops three times per week, plus other non-sporting stuff twice each week. I don't have time to be shy. ;D

I thought that, given this pace, I'd have at least started to develop friends galore. Not so. Things are moving more slowly than I hoped. I'm not - yet - confident enough to smile at, start chatting to strangers, and then suggest another get together, so I require repeated interactions to build up some sort of relationship, and this is what is taking time.

Also, I am finding it takes some trial-and-error to find the right activities where I can find compatible people. For example, I am in my forties and the other rowers are in their twenties, and female. The canoers, on the other hand, are 30-50, but I've only gone once so far. I am just now starting to feel accepted by my vegetarian group, after four months - but also only four meetings.

The key seems to be face time. If I interact with someone regularly, it is easier for me to "warm up" to him/her and develop some level of intimacy. Sitting in a coffee shop still helps, even though there are new faces every time, because I get more comfortable around people and can spend time watching them, noticing who is outgoing and who is shy, how they interact, etc.

So now, patience is required. At some point, I have to believe that I'm doing the right things and then to let friendship and dating happen in their own time, rather than making them happen. Only if a few weeks go by with no progress would I make some course corrections.

[spitzig]

CaryGrant said:

The key seems to be face time. If I interact with someone regularly, it is easier for me to "warm up" to him/her and develop some level of intimacy. Sitting in a coffee shop still helps, even though there are new faces every time, because I get more comfortable around people and can spend time watching them, noticing who is outgoing and who is shy, how they interact, etc.

What about the coffeeshop? I've heard that Bohemian style coffeehouses are good places to hang out and meet people. There aren't any near here. There's one place, but it's a little brighter, and doesn't have any couches, stuff like that. It's also largely populated by high school kids. That's cool, but I'm not likely to become good friends with a 13 year old. And, as far as dating, even most 20 year olds seem kind of young for me now.

Also, I've never seen anyone approach a random person and introduce themselves. So, I don't know how that would be done in that setting. I mean, sure, if they were reading some book I really liked. But, most people there seem to be meeting a friend.

At another coffeeshop, someone I didn't know asked me about a game of chess. That seemed to be a place where more people hung out, though. They had couches, for example. If someone is just hanging out, a game of chess is probably welcome. If someone is meeting friends, you can't really approach them for a game of chess. That coffeeshop closed like a month or two after I found it, of course...

[CaryGrant]

Spitz - I'm still trying to find more of a neighborhood hangout, where people do play chess, talk to strangers, etc. There are a few around. Also, if you frequent the same place at the same time, you are likely to encounter some of the same people. I do agree about the youngsters, though: the Starbucks I have been going to is filled primarily (not exclusively - we shy people tend to see things in absolutes!) with university students. Although one older woman did strike up a conversation with me.

The last time I was there, I made a point of situating myself where I could see most of the room (holds about 50 people) so I could observe everyone. Many people were there with friends/study groups; some people were alone. Some of the people by themselves would regularly look up from their book/coffee and look around the room. These people were, I suspect, wishing they were not alone and had someone to talk to. They would be good candidates to at least attempt to float a conversation with. "Hi, what are you reading?" I haven't done that yet, but I did take step one in discovering that there are other people who would be open to some sort of connection.

[CaryGrant]

Speed-dating update:

There were ~40 people, equally split between the sexes. The men sat at a numbered table, and the women rotated around the tables; everyone saw ~15 other people for 5 minutes each.

I found I was anxious before going (stomach was getting upset, always a sign for me), and realised that I had been experiencing low-level anxiety about the event that I had not been aware of. Good to know. At least it was low-level; in the past it would have been worse.

I was fortunate in that a very outgoing and talkative woman came and sat next to me for the half hour before the event started. We chatted and hit it off really well, so that was good way to start the evening.

All the women I met (17) were quite nice. Some I clicked with, some I did not. My goal was not to come out with a g/f, but to try and talk freely, focus on the other person rather than myself, and possibly make a step toward some new friendships. I did really well with the first two (patting self on back), and the second I will have to wait and see who responds (it's a blind match system).

I had actually done a speed dating event before when I lived in another city, and it did not go so well. I was too uptight, worried about whether I was impressing the women, concerned about their suitability as potential g/fs. This time I went in with a different attitude, and got better results (regardless of whether I hook up with anyone or not).

Because you have only five minutes with each person, there is no "warm up period." In a way, this is good, because this sets the expectation that everyone will start talking and keep going right away.

Because I was better able to focus on the women, I noticed that they varied in levels of shyness. Some were like the first woman I met, very outgoing, not shy at all. Most were reserved to some degree and struggled to find things to talk about. Almost all were fine once the conversation started, but some still were reserved. One woman I could tell immediately was shy - and she said as much. So I did my best to make it easy for her to be open, and things went well. I could see it was tough for her to open up enough in five minutes to get to know a stranger well enough to decide if she liked hime and vice versa.

Anyway, I qualify the event as a rousing success regardless of actual dates/friendships that result. When I was deciding whom to select to be notified that I am interested, I tossed out my criteria about physical attractiveness and "chemistry." This way I picked women I thought I would like as a friend - or at least to get to know better - rather than putting pressure on to find "the one." I said "Yes" to 11 women; I am curious to see who said "Yes" to me!

[CaryGrant]

A quick update on the speed dating results. Thanks to my improved and more open attitude, I said "Yes" to 11 of 17 women that I met. 6 of those 11 said "Yes" to me, which is a great rate of response.

Shy people tend to make very negative and self-diminishing projections, and I must admit that one of my first thoughts was, "What happened to the other five?" This even though I know the match rate I got is pretty good. So I had to beat that one down, and focus on the positive, not exaggerate the negative.

Now I have to figure out how to respond to them...some are definitely friends-only, some are potentially more, and only time will tell.

One advantage to this type of event is that everyone is there to meet someone, or several people. This is not the case with joining sports teams, clubs, etc.; many of those folks will have pre-established friendships. They may be open to making more friends, but are not as likely to be actively looking. The result is an atmosphere of openness at speed dating.