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Post by old free guy on Nov 8, 2004 9:48:07 GMT -5
I am 25 years old male. Maybe I have social anxiety or social phobia in some occasions. There were painful social experiences 4 years ago and I was depressed. Now after a few years have passed I don’t think and worry about them often.
Due to past negative social experience I am left without friends. I thought to make friends I have to become better at talking. So this year I tried hard to improve communications skills and learn from self-help books/audio program. These self-help program are good but it didn’t have anything specific about how to make friends and become comfortable at social event.
Until recently I discovered on the internet, stories about shyness and I definitely can relate to the shyness problem. Trying to be perfect and sometimes fear rejection. Right now I am really unhappy about my social life. My social experience and skills are stunted.
Now I have resources on the internet that can help me overcome shyness. I tried to start a support group… but now I think the people in the email support group are not the same as me. So I think they should seek professional or family or friends’ help first.
My approach will be self-help strategies. Self-help books, online support group, regular exercises, cognitive behavioural therapy and ask professional help if I need to.
That is my plan. Nov 2004
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Post by CaryGrant on Nov 8, 2004 13:20:05 GMT -5
Good for you. Sounds like you're willing to do whatever it takes to overcome your fear of social situations, and that means...you will!
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Post by old free guy on Nov 8, 2004 16:45:55 GMT -5
Good for you. Sounds like you're willing to do whatever it takes to overcome your fear of social situations, and that means...you will! Thanks for the encouragement. Right now I have no social life so I have plenty of time to work on my shyness problem.
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Post by old free guy on Nov 8, 2004 16:47:03 GMT -5
Finding Out About Shyness: True or False 1. I find it very difficult to talk to new people. 2. I lack confidence with people. 3. I feel very tense and nervous when I try to initiate a conversation 4. At work I have difficulty talking to other people. 5. I often tense up and forget what I was about to say when trying to talk to someone new. 6. I am especially nervous when talking to someone I would like to date. 7. I often replay entire dialogues in my mind, wishing I had said something different. 8. People see me as very quiet but I do not want to be. from www.shynesshelp.com/index.html
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Post by old free guy on Nov 8, 2004 16:55:36 GMT -5
Common Mistaken Beliefs for Shy People and their Counterarguments
1. "If I talk to someone new I will say the wrong think and embarrass myself, it is better not say anything at all."
Counterargument to this belief is that you absolutely have no way to know what will happen if you talk to someone new- this would be foretelling the future. Also it is certainly not better to avoid saying anything at all. The more practice that you get speaking to others, the better you will get at speaking to others. 2. "I just do not know what to say most of the time."
counterargument: This belief is based on the mistaken assumption that you have to say the "right thing" most of the time and this is not true. There is often not a "right" thing to say. 3. "Other people are just not that interested in me."
Counterargument: Can you read minds ? This is a generalization. 4. "Other people will reject me and I just will not be able to handle this."
Counterargument: Thinking that you cannot handle rejection is a mistaken belief. You can learn with practice to handle rejection and interpret is as a step along the way to success.
<<<< Today I will think about the counterargument.
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Post by old free guy on Nov 9, 2004 3:37:54 GMT -5
50 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR CONVERSATIONS www.dongabor.com/tip1.htmlI dont know what exactly is social skill. Friendly conversational skills is probably it and making people feel comfortable. Sort of like customer service, IMO.
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Post by old free guy on Nov 9, 2004 19:50:55 GMT -5
Suggestion from someone ////////// I would suggest rehearsing in your head what you would say to a woman who asked you about your social life. Play around with it until you come up with a response that you can deliver confidently and tells the truth.
Above all, try to accept your life instead of being ashamed by it. If someone else has a problem with the way you live your life and won't be your friend or whatever, that's their loss and not yours. //////////// Today I'll learn to answer questions I find difficult, embrassing and personal.
I will learn to be my own best friend.
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Post by old free guy on Nov 10, 2004 21:12:58 GMT -5
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Post by Sweet Silence on Nov 10, 2004 23:55:19 GMT -5
Doing the first one, "What's a good way for a shy guy to overcome that nervous feeling that holds him back from approaching women?" sounds scary. I don't think I could ever do that!
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Post by old free guy on Nov 13, 2004 16:50:17 GMT -5
I am taking in what my role model have done to help him to beat shyness. I have changed his methods to suit my style and I am slowly build a system of good habit.
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Post by old free guy on Nov 15, 2004 5:09:44 GMT -5
From books I read
Defining Yourself
Before proceeding farther, it is time to define your own individual identity, to get a firm grasp on who and what you are, to figure out what differentiates you from all the other humans running around in the wide world. This is hard work, and will require a considerable investment in time and effort... and thought.
Exercise 1: Compose a 1000-word or longer essay, titled "Who I Am". Tell all about yourself, your interests and your goals, your passions, your hidden desires, your joys and your hurts, your strengths and your weaknesses, your sources of pride and what you are ashamed of. (Who is the real person inside, the one others fail to see?) Essentially, you will be describing what you have to offer to the woman who will love you (for you can't come into a relationship empty-handed).
Exercise 2: Write a rather detailed autobiography. Recall as many as you can of the formative influences and people in your life. Remember your achievements and failures, your moments of triumph, and the depths of your pain and despair. Call it "How I Got Here".
Exercise 3: Write a short description of the woman you would like to meet, the one who haunts your dreams, the soulmate who will enter your life one day. Paint a "word picture" of her. What is she like? Is there anything particularly striking about her appearance? Describe her personality. What special appeal does she hold for you? Why will she be attracted to you in particular? Call this one "My Woman".
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Derrick
Full Member
Lost Soul
Posts: 241
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Post by Derrick on Nov 15, 2004 19:18:53 GMT -5
Thanks for all the great information, and good luck! I'm a 23 year old male with no friends or social life, and I began going the self help route roughtly a month or two ago, with progress already being made. I basically suffer from the same things you mentioned, and it's frustrating when extroverts don't know what to make of your quietness.
May I recommend the book "The gift of shyness" along with the book "How to win friends and influence people"
I also bought "How to overcome shyness and find the woman of your dreams" by scott holland, and that has some excellent information in it as well.
It's slow going for me, but the important thing is it's going. My problem has always been my facial expression and tone of voice around people.. mumbling, having my head down, looking disinterested or annoyed... considering facial expressions and tone of voice are more important then the words themselves, these are two big things I've been trying to improve on, along with my self confidence and self worth. Also, not caring so much what other people think and trying to get vindication from them, and being afraid of saying the wrong things.. trying to learn to be spontaenous and take the embarassments as they come and chalk them up as experience instead of clamming up and saying nothing. Good luck to you.
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Post by old free guy on Nov 15, 2004 19:55:02 GMT -5
Thanks for all the great information, and good luck! I'm a 23 year old male with no friends or social life, and I began going the self help route roughtly a month or two ago, with progress already being made. I basically suffer from the same things you mentioned, and it's frustrating when extroverts don't know what to make of your quietness. Be honest & comfortable with yourself. The first semster I am very self-conscious about that I had no friends. When you talk with someone new, you should not make up stories to impress them. I feel bad telling things that are not exactly true about my social life and friends. Be your own best friend first, it's ok to be alone. May I recommend the book "The gift of shyness" along with the book "How to win friends and influence people" How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie is an excellent book. I think it's more designed for people that has some social life and friends. My first goal is to become my own best friend. I would have to develop new interests and hobbies to make myself entertained & happy. I am going to read these 2 books after my exam. David DeAngelo - Defeat Shyness and Life Skills - Relationships - Christian Godefroy - How to Overcome Shyness I also bought "How to overcome shyness and find the woman of your dreams" by scott holland, and that has some excellent information in it as well. For me to become confident & ready for personal relationship. I need to have rich social life and close friends. I have read a few pages of these books but find them to be too FAST for me and I am not ready yet. Ebook Double Your Dating. HOW-2 Meet Women The Shy Man's Guide to Relationships by Cartaphilus It's slow going for me, but the important thing is it's going. My problem has always been my facial expression and tone of voice around people.. mumbling, having my head down, looking disinterested or annoyed... considering facial expressions and tone of voice are more important then the words themselves, these are two big things I've been trying to improve on, along with my self confidence and self worth. Also, not caring so much what other people think and trying to get vindication from them, and being afraid of saying the wrong things.. trying to learn to be spontaenous and take the embarassments as they come and chalk them up as experience instead of clamming up and saying nothing. Good luck to you. Focus on the improvement you have made and reflect on & learn from the mistakes. I have improved my self-confidence and friendly body language. I have made some mistakes in conversational/social skills but I have learned from these experiences. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you keep working on your shyness. To get result we have to practice more
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Post by old free guy on Nov 17, 2004 19:48:06 GMT -5
Journal #1
I agree that life can suck sometimes. Imagine this, a person spent 2 years in university or high school. Did not have any real friends. Had a recluse life for 4 years.
Last year, he spent time thinking while on his job. What's going to happen to me ? He decides to fight.
He felt free, he wonder what happened to him for the last 6 years. He describe it as living in a prision of his shyness, it has no boundary and sentence is unknow.
What's going to happen to him ? Only he can decide, what his future will be.
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Post by old free guy on Nov 20, 2004 3:11:48 GMT -5
Journal #2
Saturday afternoon,went to the bookstore and on the way had a nice meal at KFC. I was applying tips from books to my mind. I got ride most of my nervousness, by asking what I am afraid of and coming up with counter-argument. I could have paid more attention to people around me and see if there's any friendly looking girls or people that I could make small talk.
Next time I should be able to walk around confidently and look for chances to make small talk. Then I could use some of the small talk tips on them. Next time actually try to talk to people and make small talk.
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