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Misfit
May 22, 2003 9:51:53 GMT -5
Post by ASolitarySoul on May 22, 2003 9:51:53 GMT -5
Out of interest..... Are you taking any medications? Medications help me. You sound very negative by the way and run yourself down too much calling yourself odd ball etc etc. If your so mean to yourself and don't like yourself how can you expect others to like you? The only medication that I’m taking at the present is Paxil, and it seems to have perked me up a bit. As far as running myself down ... I can’t help that - the truth isn’t pretty, and in order to deal with the root problem, you have to come to terms with the truth. I really don’t hate myself, I just need to improve upon my social skills to better my life (particularly WRT the new direction that I’m taking my life in). I have my redeeming qualities, but I also have a tendency to put people off with my bluntness and straight-forward nature. I’m an oddball, but EVERYONE is odd to some extent. Solitary Soul -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/----------------------------------------------------- Why was I not made of stone, like thee? - Quasimodo
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Misfit
May 24, 2003 17:40:13 GMT -5
Post by Mildman1 on May 24, 2003 17:40:13 GMT -5
I just need to improve upon my social skills to better my life (particularly WRT the new direction that I’m taking my life in). I have my redeeming qualities, but I also have a tendency to put people off with my bluntness and straight-forward nature. Please bear with me while I seemingly skate around the subject. Up until my early teens I read quite a lot, and as a consequence my level of grammar etc. was quite high for my age. But then I lost interest in reading, and by the time I was 16, my written english had deteriorated relative to my age. (This was not helped by the fact that I didn't communicate much). However, in my late teens I started reading again, and my english as a consequence improved again. Practice had improved my english. Up until the last few years, I was fairly blunt with people, particularly women, and upset them fairly often. The thing was, I was mostly unaware that the things I said were offensive, and it usually took a friend to point out to me that I had been rude. I mostly didn't want to be rude (and when I did, I told myself I was merely being honest, and that others could not face such honesty), but I couldn't actually gauge other people's reactions. When they naturally responded to me in a negative way, I became more negative about myself, and them. Eventually I came to the conclusion that the main reason why I couldn't understand other people was because I hadn't socialised enough with them when I was growing up, so didn't have the necessary experience to relate to them properly. I reached this conclusion largely as a direct consequence of a long term relationship I have had , and this helped me to understand others, particularly women, better. My general rule now is to try to be positive with others (negativity seems to be common among shybies), to avoid what I used to call 'honesty', and to be 'honest' only when I know someone well enough to share negative as well as positive views. .
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Misfit
May 26, 2003 1:15:45 GMT -5
Post by spitzig on May 26, 2003 1:15:45 GMT -5
IOW: Broaden my horizons? Yup. I realize it's not easy to find out about things you have no idea even EXIST in the world(I feel like that with lots of social rules). The only suggestions I can think of are to go to a library or bookstore and read around about different hobbies, or intellectual interests. Also, if you live near Houston, there are probably all kinds of interest groups advertising in newspapers and community gathering-type places. Check out things that sound interesting, or maybe even ones that you don't really have an opinion on, if none sound interesting. Oh, you might look up a site I heard about not long ago. www.meetup.com. It is a place to organize get togethers locally, about pretty much any interest. In a decent sized city, I'd expect to find a lot of groups. More than Harrisburg, anyway. moogleJust because people don't respond to posts doesn't mean they don't get something from them. They may just not have anything to carry on that topic, in the direction you were carrying it.
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Misfit
May 26, 2003 8:27:58 GMT -5
Post by Mildman1 on May 26, 2003 8:27:58 GMT -5
Oh, you might look up a site I heard about not long ago. www.meetup.com. It is a place to organize get togethers locally, about pretty much any interest. In a decent sized city, I'd expect to find a lot of groups. More than Harrisburg, anyway. Have you attended any meetings?
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Misfit
May 26, 2003 9:58:31 GMT -5
Post by spitzig on May 26, 2003 9:58:31 GMT -5
Have you attended any meetings? No, most of the groups don't seem to have enough people for a meeting. Also, the ones that do have been on nights that I had class. However, Harrisburg is a relatively small town.
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Misfit
May 26, 2003 23:16:01 GMT -5
Post by ASolitarySoul on May 26, 2003 23:16:01 GMT -5
Please bear with me while I seemingly skate around the subject. Up until my early teens I read quite a lot, and as a consequence my level of grammar etc. was quite high for my age. But then I lost interest in reading, and by the time I was 16, my written english had deteriorated relative to my age. (This was not helped by the fact that I didn't communicate much). However, in my late teens I started reading again, and my english as a consequence improved again. Practice had improved my english. Up until the last few years, I was fairly blunt with people, particularly women, and upset them fairly often. The thing was, I was mostly unaware that the things I said were offensive, and it usually took a friend to point out to me that I had been rude. I mostly didn't want to be rude (and when I did, I told myself I was merely being honest, and that others could not face such honesty), but I couldn't actually gauge other people's reactions. When they naturally responded to me in a negative way, I became more negative about myself, and them. Eventually I came to the conclusion that the main reason why I couldn't understand other people was because I hadn't socialised enough with them when I was growing up, so didn't have the necessary experience to relate to them properly. THIS is what happened to me as well. I’ve never had a relationship (long-term or otherwise) to benefit from. As far as THAT goes, I’ve never even had any friends. I’m also VERY blunt and direct, something I need to stop doing. My shyness doesn’t stem so much from my fear of other people (I can approach and talk to attractive girls - when I can think of something to say), but from my fear of myself - I’m always very guarded about what I say because of my fear of being offensive with one of my crass off-the-cuff remarks, or saying something that doesn’t come out right. There is another component to my situation that I left out previously - prejudice and bigotry - I had THAT in my youth, which was the biggest contributing factor. Those of you who have been to my website ... users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/and actually read every word would have come across the formative factors that contributed to me being who I am now ... users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/webpage/solsoul/was/ffactr.htmOne paragraph in particular is significant: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Above all else, the biggest factor that comes into play, that has had the most significant impact upon my formative years, is bigotry and prejudice. Both of my parents had that in abundance, not only against people of different racial and ethnic backgrounds, but against people who did not "look right". My parents hated rock music, judging it to be a bad influence that should be abolished. Long hair was definitely frowned upon, so I was sent to the barber shop every two weeks for a buzz cut. (As a matter of fact, a week before she died, my mother told me to get a haircut. I asked her if those were going to be her dying words to me.) My mother bought me slacks, print shirts, and loafers to wear to school. Of course, a child's biggest influences are his or her parents. So I went off to school, with my buzz cut, and my slacks, and my print shirts, and my loafers, ingrained with the hatred that my parents had for the long-haired freaks and wierdos, listening to their rock music, which was just about everybody in my school. I was a total geek - and I guess I still am to some extent. The most amusing irony to the whole thing is that, in retrospect, I was the freak, I was the weirdo. The only good thing to come of it is that I learned the life-lesson that hatred given will be hatred received. I learned it the hard way. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More than anything else, THIS stunted my social development and made me the recluse that I have been over the past several years. I’m a total dork, raised by dork-parents. Solitary Soul -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/-----------------------------------------------------
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Misfit
May 26, 2003 23:28:31 GMT -5
Post by ASolitarySoul on May 26, 2003 23:28:31 GMT -5
Yup. I realize it's not easy to find out about things you have no idea even EXIST in the world(I feel like that with lots of social rules). The only suggestions I can think of are to go to a library or bookstore and read around about different hobbies, or intellectual interests. Also, if you live near Houston, there are probably all kinds of interest groups advertising in newspapers and community gathering-type places. Check out things that sound interesting, or maybe even ones that you don't really have an opinion on, if none sound interesting. Oh, you might look up a site I heard about not long ago. www.meetup.com. It is a place to organize get togethers locally, about pretty much any interest. In a decent sized city, I'd expect to find a lot of groups. More than Harrisburg, anyway. I’ve got meetup.com bookmarked. Thanks. My primary concern at this point is to get employment. I was a cattle rancher up until last October (when I got out of it). I attended the University of Houston, where I got a degree in Computer Science, and I was hoping to get employed in the field of IT, but with the economy in the dumpers, that may be difficult at best (although, I DO have one possibility that may or may not pan out). I was thinking along the lines of hanging with computer geeks. There are a few organizations in Houston where I can do that, and once I get employed in ... something ... I might join one. Solitary Soul -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/-----------------------------------------------------
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Misfit
May 27, 2003 0:10:12 GMT -5
Post by spitzig on May 27, 2003 0:10:12 GMT -5
I was thinking along the lines of hanging with computer geeks. There are a few organizations in Houston where I can do that, and once I get employed in ... something ... I might join one. Why wait until you get a job? It seems like a pretty good source to me--that whole networking thing that I know nothing about.
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Misfit
May 27, 2003 0:28:36 GMT -5
Post by ASolitarySoul on May 27, 2003 0:28:36 GMT -5
Why wait until you get a job? It seems like a pretty good source to me--that whole networking thing that I know nothing about. Due to certain practical considerations. I know someone who is about to get a business venture started up and has asked me if I want to handle the software end of it. I don’t know much about it (and he doesn’t know enough to give me much in the way of details), but I’m hoping to know more by the end of this week. (I’ve been pressing this guy for over 3 weeks to get me more information, or a contact who can clue me in as to what it’s all about, but I have yet to find out what it is I need to know. Maybe this week, I dunno.) If I get involved in this (and it may be my only shot to get into something that is IT-related), I will probably be going full-bore to get up to speed in whatever it is that I need to know to perform my role. Everything is very vague and nebulous for me right now, and it is VERY frustrating. I am concerned about over-committing at this point until I get some questions answered and make some sort of a decision as to what direction I am going to go in. If I DON’T take this offer, then my options are to either get into BioTechnology or become a radiology technician (neither of which have much appeal to me), and either of those will require 2 years of training/education. ... and I have some other personal matters that require my attention. It’s complicated. Solitary Soul -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/-----------------------------------------------------
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Misfit
May 28, 2003 15:07:59 GMT -5
Post by Mildman1 on May 28, 2003 15:07:59 GMT -5
There is another component to my situation that I left out previously - prejudice and bigotry - I had THAT in my youth, which was the biggest contributing factor. Those of you who have been to my website and actually read every word would have come across the formative factors that contributed to me being who I am now ... Above all else, the biggest factor that comes into play, that has had the most significant impact upon my formative years, is bigotry and prejudice. Both of my parents had that in abundance, not only against people of different racial and ethnic backgrounds, but against people who did not "look right". My parents hated rock music, judging it to be a bad influence that should be abolished. Long hair was definitely frowned upon, so I was sent to the barber shop every two weeks for a buzz cut. (As a matter of fact, a week before she died, my mother told me to get a haircut. I asked her if those were going to be her dying words to me.) My mother bought me slacks, print shirts, and loafers to wear to school. Of course, a child's biggest influences are his or her parents. So I went off to school, with my buzz cut, and my slacks, and my print shirts, and my loafers, ingrained with the hatred that my parents had for the long-haired freaks and wierdos, listening to their rock music, which was just about everybody in my school. I was a total geek - and I guess I still am to some extent. The most amusing irony to the whole thing is that, in retrospect, I was the freak, I was the weirdo. The only good thing to come of it is that I learned the life-lesson that hatred given will be hatred received. I learned it the hard way. More than anything else, THIS stunted my social development and made me the recluse that I have been over the past several years. Solitary Soul -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/----------------------------------------------------- Your background seems a bit extreme and obviously, the attitudes that your parents passed on to you would have made it much more difficult to mix with others as you saw yourself as apart from them, different. You're clearly intelligent, and this, possibly combined with your shyness (which can make people more sensitive to others simply because shyness is a feeling of inferiority and therefore elevates what others think) has helped you to overcome your learned prejudices. Having said that, we're all prejudiced indifferent ways and who's to say that your long haired, rock-music loving fellow students didn't pre-judge you in exactly the same way that your parents pre-judged them? However, I believe that shyness is largely genetic, and although it can be moderated or exaggerated by our environment as we are growing up, it is largely predetermined. Have to say though, because shy people are so self-conscious it is natural to spend a lot of time thinking about our relationships with others and I think this can make us better people than we might have been if we were not shy, so I don't think shyness is all negative. Personally, rather than be someone else who was not shy, I'd like to be me but with adjustments.
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Misfit
May 28, 2003 15:13:49 GMT -5
Post by Mildman1 on May 28, 2003 15:13:49 GMT -5
I know someone who is about to get a business venture started up and has asked me if I want to handle the software end of it. Solitary Soul -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/----------------------------------------------------- A friend?
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Misfit
May 28, 2003 21:30:04 GMT -5
Post by spitzig on May 28, 2003 21:30:04 GMT -5
However, I believe that shyness is largely genetic, and although it can be moderated or exaggerated by our environment as we are growing up, it is largely predetermined. Have to say though, because shy people are so self-conscious it is natural to spend a lot of time thinking about our relationships with others and I think this can make us better people than we might have been if we were not shy, so I don't think shyness is all negative. Personally, rather than be someone else who was not shy, I'd like to be me but with adjustments. Shyness comes from low self-esteem? Are you saying that is genetic? I'd strongly disagree. I think self-esteem is entirely environmentally determined. I think introversion/extroversion is quite likely genetically determined, but that is separate. Shyness seems to make some people into worse people, though. Hating people because of it. Personally, I think that the best way to think of it is as a trait. With no negative or positive association. If you're cool with being shy, you won't get self-conscious about it when you say(or don't say) something. I've kind of thought I'm shy because of low self-esteem and have have low self-esteem because I'm shy. Shyness being neutral would eliminate the second part of that cycle. Of course, in practice...
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Misfit
May 28, 2003 21:32:12 GMT -5
Post by spitzig on May 28, 2003 21:32:12 GMT -5
Oh, I've heard it suggested that shy people are less likely to consider a person a friend than a non-shy person. Considering the same degree of closeness.
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Misfit
May 29, 2003 15:05:40 GMT -5
Post by Mildman1 on May 29, 2003 15:05:40 GMT -5
Shyness comes from low self-esteem? Are you saying that is genetic? I'd strongly disagree. I think self-esteem is entirely environmentally determined. I think introversion/extroversion is quite likely genetically determined, but that is separate. Shyness seems to make some people into worse people, though. Hating people because of it. Personally, I think that the best way to think of it is as a trait. With no negative or positive association. If you're cool with being shy, you won't get self-conscious about it when you say(or don't say) something. I've kind of thought I'm shy because of low self-esteem and have have low self-esteem because I'm shy. Shyness being neutral would eliminate the second part of that cycle. Of course, in practice... First of all, can I say that your post has made me think again about what I think shyness is. I said it was a feeling of inferiority, lack of self-esteem, and you are right to say this is not genetic. Maybe it's truer to say I think of it as feeling discomfort consistently with people you are not close to (self-consciousness).I don't think you have to have low self-esteem to be shy, but it can develop from shyness because of negative reactions from others. And of course you're right to say shyness can make you hate others. I agree that introversion/extroversion (degree to which you direct thoughts/words/actions towards others) is separate from shyness, but they are often related. Shy people are often introverted, and extroverted people tend not to be shy (at least as far as I can tell). There are of course introverted people who are confident and extroverted people who are not. "When I was a boy, everything was fine" (Sorry, slipped into She Said She Said by Beatles), er, but it was. I was shy, took time to make friends, but although quiet, I still felt part of things, not different. It was only from about age 11 onwards when people commented on my quietness that I started to think I was different and my self-esteem suffered, and as a teenager I did become bitter (never really hated anyone), particularly with girls who always seemed to want to go out with loud mouthed boys. Since them I've decided I'll have to accept my shyness, but try and be positive. I know my views are not entirely consistent, but there's more than one truth, isn't there?
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Misfit
May 29, 2003 17:11:23 GMT -5
Post by spitzig on May 29, 2003 17:11:23 GMT -5
I think that's a pretty common age for kids. That is when kids seem to start "actively" worrying about what other kids think. Parties turn into more social(as opposed to playing some games). Kids start dating. And, dating means getting new people to like you, and worrying about whether they do. Also, I guess this is when kids get into sports, in a way more than occasionally playing with friends. It's a more "extroverted" way of being involved in sports, with all the teams, and not controlling who you play with. Just a thought.
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