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Post by Sweet Pea on May 20, 2008 19:04:35 GMT -5
I really don't have much of an opportunity to be around girls, period. Life has its moments and stages, and I'm unfortunately beginning to come out of that moment/stage where I should have acquired that experience and familiarity. Its very difficult to suddenly ask me to go to a party and try to become social when I have never even thought about going to a party in my entire life. I do have an E-mail drafted up, but like Gaia said, I'm not comfortable with sending it. I really don't think it will be too bad, but I don't know what I am doing. This absolutely blows. I guess some things in life are way too much to ask for. i don't think you quite understand that nobody knows what they're doing. we all bumble around, and screw things up, and make mistakes we learn from. so get started already! |
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gaia
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Post by gaia on May 20, 2008 19:41:10 GMT -5
...we all bumble around... As shybees do.  |
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Post by ball4yourout on May 20, 2008 19:57:52 GMT -5
Sweepea,
Ever get tired of making mistakes?
I do.
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Post by Sweet Pea on May 20, 2008 20:23:43 GMT -5
Sweepea, Ever get tired of making mistakes? I do. sure. but that's life. that's how ya learn. that's how ya live. sitting on your hands, editing your words until nothing there's nothing left to say...that won't get ya anywhere. no damn fun either, is it? so there's no advantage to never taking chances. if you take a chance, you have a chance. |
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Post by MrNice on May 20, 2008 21:32:57 GMT -5
the only real mistake you have been making is not doing anything
send the email - and you break the cycle
look - you have been warned that the more you wait the more hesitant you will become
it is still true
it will be more difficult tomorrow than it is now
just send it now and you don't have to worry about it
think back to this...
I guess I can start out by saying to everyone here, "I will ask her out!!!"
at that moment in time - you had the courage to do it
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Post by deadendphilosopher on May 20, 2008 21:50:58 GMT -5
i don't think it matters what you do as long as you freakin DO something.  The whole point of this isn't to get the girl but to do something that moves you out of paralysis. Exactly! I think this is very true. If you break out of your paralysis now, it should be a little easier the next time an opportunity presents itself. |
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Post by deadendphilosopher on May 20, 2008 22:06:11 GMT -5
Forget the "should haves" (By now I should have X... I should know how to X). You need to go by your own rules and take things at a pace you are comfortable with. To jump in at the deep end now wouldn't be sensible - you could "drown", so to speak. This isn't to say you are incapable or that you should never try asking a girl out ever - you should just give yourself some time to think about the 'hows' and 'whens'. If you haven't a clue what you're doing or what you'd like to be doing even, it will show. And that's not good. I agree that you should go by your own rules and take things at your own pace, but not a "comfortable" pace. If you want to see changes in your life, and make things happen, you will have to push yourself out of your boundaries, which will be very uncomfortable at first. I don't think you should "jump in the deep end" but sending an email is one small step - maybe it's too big of a step, but in my opinion probably not. I think you need to worry about never leaving shore much more than you need to worry about "drowning." I disagree that it won't be good if "you haven't a clue what you're doing or what you'd like to be doing" - I don't think you will ever get a clue unless you start experimenting and taking some chances. In my experience, if I decide to wait to do things until I'm feeling more centered and sure of myself, I actually wind up becoming more withdrawn and unsure of myself. But if I force myself to start doing stuff (with limited expectations about the results), I usually start to feel more comfortable, and better about myself overall. |
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gaia
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Post by gaia on May 21, 2008 9:19:43 GMT -5
I disagree that it won't be good if "you haven't a clue what you're doing or what you'd like to be doing" - I don't think you will ever get a clue unless you start experimenting and taking some chances.. The bigger picture in life - yes, you're right.. you need to take chances to learn and "get a clue". If you never experiment, you'll never know what's right for you. I was speaking purely about this individual situation, when I said what I did - it was not a general statement. And I still am going to stand by what I said. Some overall confidence (general/non-romantic) wouldn't do him any harm before he goes and talks to girls. Some less empathetic girls might not take too well to his shyness, and might do/say something to knock his confidence back big time. If he's not got some security in himself first - one bad experience could be enough to seriously put him off. |
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Post by strawberrysweetie on May 21, 2008 15:40:33 GMT -5
I really don't have much of an opportunity to be around girls, period. Life has its moments and stages, and I'm unfortunately beginning to come out of that moment/stage where I should have acquired that experience and familiarity. Its very difficult to suddenly ask me to go to a party and try to become social when I have never even thought about going to a party in my entire life. I do have an E-mail drafted up, but like Gaia said, I'm not comfortable with sending it. I really don't think it will be too bad, but I don't know what I am doing. This absolutely blows. I guess some things in life are way too much to ask for. i don't think you quite understand that nobody knows what they're doing. we all bumble around, and screw things up, and make mistakes we learn from. so get started already! soooooo true! This absolutely blows. I guess some things in life are way too much to ask for. It's not over! You (as well as most of us here) are just going to have to start taking some risks if you ever want to make some changes. I think you're depending too much on advice from others. Obviously people have differing opinions regarding the 'best' way to go about this. But I don't think there really is a sure way. There are so many possibilities out there, that there is no way of knowing exactly what's going to work. Just be yourself. So what if you have no experience? Everyone has to start somewhere. You'll just be uncertain about what to do until you actually start taking action and find out what works out for you. Allow yourself to grow. You do have power over your future. Tomorrow doesn't have to be the same as today. |
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Post by deadendphilosopher on May 21, 2008 17:25:45 GMT -5
Some overall confidence (general/non-romantic) wouldn't do him any harm before he goes and talks to girls. Some less empathetic girls might not take too well to his shyness, and might do/say something to knock his confidence back big time. If he's not got some security in himself first - one bad experience could be enough to seriously put him off. Maybe you're right. Personally I disagree that he needs more confidence before approaching this girl, because it's easy to say to yourself "I'll wait until I'm confident" before doing something difficult. It can become an excuse, and if he doesn't have a systematic plan for gaining confidence, it probably won't happen. Like I said before though, you could be right, this may be too big of a step for him right now. He has to make that decision. It's true that a girl's response could knock his confidence back big time, but depending on how he deals with this setback, it could actually be a positive experience. If he successfully learns to deal with such a blow, he will be stronger and more equipped to deal with future rejection and setbacks we all inevitably experience in life. |
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Post by deadendphilosopher on May 21, 2008 17:28:01 GMT -5
It's not over! You (as well as most of us here) are just going to have to start taking some risks if you ever want to make some changes. I think you're depending too much on advice from others. Obviously people have differing opinions regarding the 'best' way to go about this. But I don't think there really is a sure way. There are so many possibilities out there, that there is no way of knowing exactly what's going to work. Just be yourself. So what if you have no experience? Everyone has to start somewhere. You'll just be uncertain about what to do until you actually start taking action and find out what works out for you. Allow yourself to grow. You do have power over your future. Tomorrow doesn't have to be the same as today. I agree! |
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Post by Sweet Pea on May 21, 2008 21:12:14 GMT -5
when you say to yourself thousands of times over and over again - it's going to kill me if that girl rejects me...guess who's listening? you are! and you're subconsciously absorbing all this negativity about yourself and your life. this is not good. you must gain control of all these messages you're sending yourself and make them positive and self-affirming, or you're going to plunge your self-esteem down the toilet! you can choose to believe it will destroy you, or you can choose to believe that you'll learn from the experience and get better at doing this. it's up to you.
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Post by ball4yourout on May 21, 2008 22:16:47 GMT -5
Reading these last few message, something just struck me like a bolt of lightning. It was a whole bunch of things, but the following was probably the most poignant:
I just realized, if I am water, than confidence is oil. Always has been and will most likely always will be for all but a few things in my life. Even if I get set back here, does it have any effect? Its already gone as low as it can go. All things have an upper limit, but there are lower limits as well.
Its probably been cleaned and purified into clean water by down, because my self-esteem went down the toilet long before I ever realized how shy I was.
I'm going to send that E-mail. If it works, I can start fresh there. If not, then as far as I'm concerned, its just the way things have always been and I almost have no problem with that.
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Post by ball4yourout on May 22, 2008 11:44:20 GMT -5
I sent the E-mail. And I have no idea how to react.
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Post by MrNice on May 22, 2008 11:55:59 GMT -5
congratulations
there is no need to react
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