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Post by MrNice on Sept 15, 2008 12:08:37 GMT -5
the more time and emotion the guy invests the more its going to hurt
it doesn't really matter how you let him down - how much he will get hurt depends on how emotionally invested he is. If he was just trying to score for example, he will not get hurt.
in the other case,
you do not control his feelings, and you can't make it clear to him that nothing will happen if he does not want to see things that way
as long as you hang out with him and you are nice to him, and your personal life does not involve other men, he may be compelled to think that things can change, and you will feel that weird pressure.
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Post by shyguy83 on Sept 17, 2008 2:59:31 GMT -5
To me it sounds like this guy is a bit intense and probably wants more then just a friendship. I would just tell him the truth - see what he says. Sounds like the two of you have a lot in common and maintaining a friendship with him may be ok if he realises you only want to be friends. Good luck and i hope the phone call goes smoothly  |
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Sept 18, 2008 22:09:02 GMT -5
Thanks for your responses shyguy83 and MrNice. After playing phone tag for almost a week, I just talked to him. I told him that I felt bad for not communicating well previously but that I did not feel a "romantic chemistry." I said I was feeling uncomfortable because in some ways it felt like we were dating. I told him that being introverted, it takes me a long time to get to know people and feel close to people, and that usually when I first meet people I don't hang out with them or talk to them on the phone as much as we'd been doing, so that was making me uneasy. He responded in a warm friendly way and thanked me for being open, and then assured me that while he was attracted to me and did "have occasional thoughts in the back of his mind that something might happen after we got to know each other really well, like maybe a year down the road," he wasn't attached to anything romantic happening between us and certainly "didn't loose sleep" over it. He said he didn't really think about it that much and was enjoying just talking as friends. Basically he acted quite surprised that I was worried about anything and said that i had already made it very clear that I just wanted to be friends.
He started questioning me about what made me uncomfortable and I told him that I felt like there was an undertone, and he started saying that that is basically inevitable in male - female friendships, and that if it bothered me it is my own issue because from his side he's completely cool with it just being a friendship, and that it is up to me to decide if I could handle it, but that I should just take it as a compliment.
He also said he has been trying to be very sensitive to me because I've never been friends with males (and he has been quite sensitive), and that he feels honored that I am "slowly opening up" to him.
He said that he would just let me call him from now on so that I could create space for myself, which is a relief.
I feel a little dumb for saying everything I said, especially since before he left for town I had been making a point to call him too, which is probably why he didn't really understand my need for space. Oh well. I do feel good for being honest, overall I do think it's good we talked about it. I hope it's not going to be awkward with him now.
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Post by Sweet Pea on Sept 19, 2008 0:58:37 GMT -5
Thanks for your responses shyguy83 and MrNice. After playing phone tag for almost a week, I just talked to him. I told him that I felt bad for not communicating well previously but that I did not feel a "romantic chemistry." I said I was feeling uncomfortable because in some ways it felt like we were dating. I told him that being introverted, it takes me a long time to get to know people and feel close to people, and that usually when I first meet people I don't hang out with them or talk to them on the phone as much as we'd been doing, so that was making me uneasy. He responded in a warm friendly way and thanked me for being open, and then assured me that while he was attracted to me and did "have occasional thoughts in the back of his mind that something might happen after we got to know each other really well, like maybe a year down the road," he wasn't attached to anything romantic happening between us and certainly "didn't loose sleep" over it. He said he didn't really think about it that much and was enjoying just talking as friends. Basically he acted quite surprised that I was worried about anything and said that i had already made it very clear that I just wanted to be friends. He started questioning me about what made me uncomfortable and I told him that I felt like there was an undertone, and he started saying that that is basically inevitable in male - female friendships, and that if it bothered me it is my own issue because from his side he's completely cool with it just being a friendship, and that it is up to me to decide if I could handle it, but that I should just take it as a compliment. He also said he has been trying to be very sensitive to me because I've never been friends with males (and he has been quite sensitive), and that he feels honored that I am "slowly opening up" to him. He said that he would just let me call him from now on so that I could create space for myself, which is a relief. I feel a little dumb for saying everything I said, especially since before he left for town I had been making a point to call him too, which is probably why he didn't really understand my need for space. Oh well. I do feel good for being honest, overall I do think it's good we talked about it. I hope it's not going to be awkward with him now. of course he'd rather have you left feeling dumb than feeling that way himself, lol. you did what needed to be done. don't worry about anything he said as it was probably just face-saving. |
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Oct 18, 2008 15:03:52 GMT -5
I am kind of confused now. This is definitely the strangest friendship I have ever had. After that conversation on the phone where I told him I wasn't romantically interested, he deleted mynumber so that it would be up to me to contact him, which helped me feel less pressured. We have hung out twice since that call, and the first time he was kind of distracted, distant, and overly careful to give me personal space (sitting on the opposite side of the room when we watched a movie, ect.). I didn't really feel like that was necessary, so maybe I accidentally acted flirtatious, because the next time we hung out it was totally different - he was back to his warm, normal self. We hung out for about four hours at his apartment, sitting on his bed (it's a mattress on the floor and there are no other seats), watching out there spiritual and inspirational youtube videos, which ignited interesting discussions. I still feel quite inhibited around him, so he does most of the talking. At one point he got lost in his own world and started pondering the experience of Being out loud, while I just sat there listening. As he was talking I became aware that in my feeling of tenseness and inhibition, I was somehow blocking the flow of my energy, and as I began to release the blocks and let the energy begin to flow I felt more in my body, and felt this weird sensation like the energy wanted to align itself with his energy. That kind of scared me, but I allowed it to as much as I could, and it started to feel like I was transcending as if I was in a good meditation. It was kind of like an inner surrender.
It was getting late, so a few minutes later I said that I needed to go home. I was feeling a lot more relaxed about our friendship, but then as we were leaving he said, "I'm going to say something really bold that might be kind of scary: I've realized that you really like me, but you don't want to have sex with me!" I had no idea how to respond! I like him as a friend, but when I think of the relationship being sexual or romantic it feels really wrong almost as if he were a family member or something. He went on to talk about how the first time I came over to his house he realized he really liked me, and felt like he just wanted to get to know me without needing an agenda. He said it was the first time "since grammer school" that he has felt like that. He also said he feels a really deep spiritual connection with me, and said that he has had a lot of deep spiritual connections with people, but none like this, and he went on to say that spending time with me has somehow really helped his evolution, because he is really open when he is around me, and his ideas and creativity just flow. I didn't/don't know what to make of this at all. From the very start of this friendship it feels like it has been on a weird spiritual level. We come from COMPLETELY different backgrounds and life experiences and my friends keep asking what on earth we have in common. Besides spirituality, I don't know what we have in common. But it feels like the connection is not even just on a mental or belief level. The first time I hung out with him it felt like there was a connection on an energy level. There was actually somewhat of a disconnect mentally and emotionally, although I'm starting to feel more connected to him on these levels, but it is like there is a fear and repulsion there at the same time. I remember the first time we hung out he would make jokes and I would laugh, and he would say, "I'm so glad you get my sense of humor!" but I would be thinking it's not the joke that's making me laugh, it's the flow of your buoyant energy. Sometimes it feels like I don't like his personality that much, but I like what's underneath it. Another interesting thing is that he and my mom hit it off really well after briefly meeting and each told me later that they felt some kind of familiarity or affinity with each other.
It's really hard for me to understand this relationship, and I wonder if the spiritual connection thing is all something I made up in my head. I feel really confused, I don't trust myself or my instincts. One thing that may be biasing me is that when I met this guy, I had recently started praying to the universe to send me a spiritual guide. I had also suddenly realized out of the blue that as part of my spiritual path, I wanted to do some kind of humanitarian service work, and didn't know how or where to start and was praying for someone or some situation to come up and point me to an opening. I was consciously being open to the fulfillment of these prayers when this guy popped up. He immediately started talking about his humanitarian work, which was exactly along the lines of the ideas I had been playing with. And the more I have gotten to know him, the more I feel like he is a wise (though of course imperfect) expert in most of the spiritual areas I have wanted guidance in, and just feeling his energy and observing him and the way he lives has taught me a lot. This sounds so delusional though, I have to question my sanity.
Anyway, after he made that comment about me liking him, we had an hour and a half long discussion about the nature of our relationship, and it became clear that though he is happy to just be friends for as long as I want, he is expecting the friendship to develop into a relationship somewhere down the road. I made it clear that I did not think that would ever happen, but I don't think he fully accepted that. He said he was confused about the fact that I kept hanging out with him if I didn't have feelings for him, and that that could be interpreted as teasing him or playing with his mind, although he wasn't interpreting it that way. I told him it was because I liked talking to him and I felt a spiritual connection, and he kept saying that a spiritual connection is the most important part of any relationship. That may be true, but I think the other levels are important too. At one part he started telling me that he doesn't think about me when we're not together because that would just drive him crazy, but that when he is with me he can't help that feelings come up. For some reason, he kept going on and on about that, trying to make it REALLY clear, and I'm not sure why. I finally asked him if he was ok with having those feelings, and he joked that that was a really stupid question, why wouldn't a guy want to experience those feelings?, and I asked "Are you ok with it knowing where I am with this?" and he paused and got really reflective and said, "I don't know," and said he would have to get back to me on that. And I said I didn't want to lead him on, and then he asked how it would affect me if he wasn't ok with it, and I said I would be disappointed because I liked talking to him, which was probably not the best thing to say, and he said, in that case then he was ok with it. But he also told me that as long as I kept calling him and spending time with him, we were going to get closer - almost as if he were warning me that the friendship would develop into something else, and that his feelings would only get deeper.
From my side, I don't think this will ever be anything other than a friendship, although I think it has the potential to be a very deep friendship. Out of respect to his feelings though, I am wondering if I should stop talking to him and hanging out with him. It makes me kind of sad and disappointed to loose this friendship, but I'm wondering if that is the right thing?
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Post by Sweet Pea on Oct 18, 2008 15:29:39 GMT -5
frankly, he's told you straight out he feels that you hangin out with him is teasing him and playing games. regardless of how YOU feel about it, this is how HE feels about it. so if you continue to go over to his place and sit on his mattress, that to him is a tease. he has been pretty clear about it i think. also, 99.9% of the guys would feel the same way. you can't just change how they feel about this and be good buddies. hell, if some guy i dig came over to my place and hung out on my mattress, i'd knock him over and climb on top of him, lol. hell yes!
so yeah, you might want to think that one over, lol. if you want to explore a 'spiritual' relationship, the mattress prolly isn't the best place for it.
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Oct 18, 2008 15:43:20 GMT -5
Haha, until he said that, I didn't really consider that sitting on his bed was such a big deal, because it seems to also function as his couch. I'm not sure what I should have done instead - sat on the floor? I guess I should maybe have never gone over to his house in the first place, but after a while it might have seemed kind of strange if we were friends and I always refused to come over.
So do you think I should contact him again and next time just take a walk or hang out in a more public place? Or would it be better to not call him again?
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Post by Sweet Pea on Oct 18, 2008 15:57:14 GMT -5
I guess I should maybe have never gone over to his house in the first place... exactamundo. he's told you he likes you 'that way'. you have decided you don't second that emotion. so yeah, you shouldn't be spending time alone with him in intimate, private settings...particularly on his mattress which is universally recognized as the number 1 place for sex to occur...or he will consider that to be a tease. he's been pretty upfront about that. So do you think I should contact him again and next time just take a walk or hang out in a more public place? Or would it be better to not call him again? to be blunt, i think he's been pretty clear that he will continue to try to get into your pants as long as you continue to seek out his company. as far as all the 'spiritual' talk goes, he prolly figures you need to have sex all wrapped up in a pretty package. anything he says along those lines may just be an attempt to accomodate you so he can get what he wants from you. so yeah, if you are seriously uninterested in that possibility, you prolly better stop seeing him. |
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Post by deadendphilosopher on Oct 18, 2008 16:17:26 GMT -5
I know he is genuinely very spiritual. Maybe he does just want to "get into my pants" but I don't think he thinks that's all he wants. I think he has a lot of integrity and wouldn't consciously try to use me. He was telling me that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because the relationship got too lustful and unbalanced, and said he wishes he had waited a lot longer and gotten to know her better before having sex with her. He said he learned from that and is happy to just get to know me as a person before thinking about intimacy. I know that sounds far fetched, but unless my entire judgment of his character is completely off, I don't think he would lie to my face like that. Maybe I'm naive, but why is it assumed that the ultimate motive of males is always to get in a girl's pants, and that they will try to do this at all costs, without any regard for honesty?
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Post by Sweet Pea on Oct 18, 2008 16:42:48 GMT -5
I know he is genuinely very spiritual. Maybe he does just want to "get into my pants" but I don't think he thinks that's all he wants. I think he has a lot of integrity and wouldn't consciously try to use me. He was telling me that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because the relationship got too lustful and unbalanced, and said he wishes he had waited a lot longer and gotten to know her better before having sex with her. He said he learned from that and is happy to just get to know me as a person before thinking about intimacy. I know that sounds far fetched, but unless my entire judgment of his character is completely off, I don't think he would lie to my face like that. Maybe I'm naive, but why is it assumed that the ultimate motive of males is always to get in a girl's pants, and that they will try to do this at all costs, without any regard for honesty? because most guys like having sex...alot. it's very important to them. most guys would be absolutely uninterested in a sexless relationship. at least, that's been my experience...and that of lots of other people. not that i blame them. i'm really not either. and yeah, they often will say just about anything to get into your pants, even if they do not 'consciously' plot and plan. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Oct 18, 2008 19:01:29 GMT -5
I know he is genuinely very spiritual. Maybe he does just want to "get into my pants" but I don't think he thinks that's all he wants. I think he has a lot of integrity and wouldn't consciously try to use me. He was telling me that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because the relationship got too lustful and unbalanced, and said he wishes he had waited a lot longer and gotten to know her better before having sex with her. He said he learned from that and is happy to just get to know me as a person before thinking about intimacy. I know that sounds far fetched, but unless my entire judgment of his character is completely off, I don't think he would lie to my face like that. Maybe I'm naive, but why is it assumed that the ultimate motive of males is always to get in a girl's pants, and that they will try to do this at all costs, without any regard for honesty? Yes it is absolutely the motive at all costs without any regards for honesty. He is really working the spiritual angle because he thinks that will work best to get with you. I could pick out all the lines in your longer post of things he said an did and highlight and put playa line by them. There were a lot. Him deleting your number and making you call him if you want to see him is a playa game. It feeds his ego. In his mind any effort you make to see him or talk to him means he still has a chance of getting in your pants. You see him as a platonic friend only and he is wanting to rip your clothes off and get busy. This will never work. He is not even paying attention to the friendship part as everything he is doing and saying is to get in your pants and convince you to like him sexually. You really want to find out how much he is a friend tell him you met up with someone from early school days and are now engaged to him. |
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Post by Naptaq on Oct 18, 2008 20:36:30 GMT -5
It's a tough situation but at the end, you'll learn a lot from this. He's got feelings for you and you don't. Maybe you could keep the meetings more sporadic, or even in a public place, such as a library. The reason I say sporadic is because, well, I don't know if you've ever played the Sims game, but the more you hang out with someone, one is bound to like you more and more and once the 'relationship bar' hits over 80 (out of 100) the chance of 'hearts appearing' increase exponentially with every flirtatious move. In the period you're not hanging out with him the number drops and he might meet someone else.. then try to hang out with him and sit on his bed. ;D But, seriously, it's very tough to say anything about the intetions of the guy, so I might be unfair in my recommendation. The whole thing about this being spiritual growth and all, well that all could be, in the sense of learning to love a person other than yourself, but I don't recall Buddha recommending relationships for spiritual growth. Not to mention Krishna, who advocated no sex. In my view of it, it's not necessary for spiritual growth, but, you know, some people learn a lot from relationships. It was very interesting to read that you prayed something like this to happen and it did. It's tough to say if it's causal or not, but your story reminded me of someone else's story. |
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Post by skyhint on Oct 18, 2008 21:06:03 GMT -5
It's a tough situation but at the end, you'll learn a lot from this. He's got feelings for you and you don't. Maybe you could keep the meetings more sporadic, or even in a public place, such as a library. The reason I say sporadic is because, well, I don't know if you've ever played the Sims game, but the more you hang out with someone, one is bound to like you more and more and once the 'relationship bar' hits over 80 (out of 100) the chance of 'hearts appearing' increase exponentially with every flirtatious move. In the period you're not hanging out with him the number drops and he might meet someone else.. then try to hang out with him and sit on his bed. ;D But, seriously, it's very tough to say anything about the intetions of the guy, so I might be unfair in my recommendation. The whole thing about this being spiritual growth and all, well that all could be, in the sense of learning to love a person other than yourself, but I don't recall Buddha recommending relationships for spiritual growth. Not to mention Krishna, who advocated no sex. In my view of it, it's not necessary for spiritual growth, but, you know, some people learn a lot from relationships. It was very interesting to read that you prayed something like this to happen and it did. It's tough to say if it's causal or not, but your story reminded me of someone else's story. I find that analogy hilarious! The Sims is so educational. |
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Post by pnoopiepnats on Oct 18, 2008 22:18:16 GMT -5
every guy you met
has been trying to fuck you.
That's right.
Women are offered dick every day.
Every woman in here...
gets offered dick at least three times a week.
Three times a day, shit!
That's right,
every time a man's being nice to you...
all he's doing is offering dick.
That's all it is.
''Can l get that for you?
How about some dick?''
''Could l help you with that?
Could l help you to some dick?
''Do you need some dick?''
-Chris Rock
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Post by Sweet Pea on Oct 18, 2008 22:41:15 GMT -5
It was very interesting to read that you prayed something like this to happen and it did. It's tough to say if it's causal or not, but your story reminded me of someone else's story. ha! you're a total gamer geek aren't you? ;D i dunno anything about the sims, but i do believe there's some truth to what oprah said at the end of the video clip. i think you do attract certain things/people to you by what you're putting out there. |
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