Post by deadendphilosopher on Sept 13, 2008 11:01:17 GMT -5
A little over a month ago I was walking down the street feeling really good thinking, "life is so exciting, anything could happen at any moment." I had just had several experiences that were causing me to start to think that maybe the spiritual "the law of attraction" (we attract what we put our attention on) has some validity, so I was consciously putting my attention on being open to whatever the universe might offer. As I was walking this guy on a bike turned onto my street. I've never been approached on the street in my town, but I had a feeling he was going to approach me, and he did. I wasn't attracted to him but was in a mind frame of being open and my friend's mother's recent words to me: "you never know what might happen if you give things a chance" were ringing in my head. After asking about me, he started talking about himself, and I was startled to hear that he does all sorts of humanitarian work. It startled me because I had just become aware of a desire in myself to help others, which I had never experienced before, and I had been praying for guidance and specifically to meet people who would help give form to this desire, which is part of the reason I was consciously trying to be open. A lot of the specifics of the work this guy was doing were the same or very similar to the things I had just randomly started desiring to do. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, although I showed some hesitancy because I wasn't attracted to him. (And also because he is significantly older than me - maybe by 10 years or so).
The next day he called and asked me to dinner on my family answering machine, and after talking to my mom and stepdad about the situation I called him back and said I wasn't interested in dating, but maybe we could meet at the coffee shop and chat. So we did and after he talked about himself and his work for over an hour, we would up having a good conversation about spirituality. He perfectly understood and had experienced all these new spiritual experiences and thoughts I had. I wasn't completely sure if I liked him even as a friend, but we seemed to connect when he started talking about himself less, and I thought he was very interesting, so I decided maybe I would give the friendship a chance.
He has been kind of intense though: He called the next day and left a message on my machine, which I didn't reply to because it didn't seem platonic enough and I wanted some space, and then he called the next day and left another message, and I think left another the next day. We wound up hanging out for six hours on Sat., which was too long, and then he called the next day and asked me to hang out again! This was making me feel kind of smothered, so I decided not to hang out with him more than once a week, especially because he didn't seem to understand the fact that this wasn't going to turn into something more than friendship.
We've been hanging out for over a month now, and he has started asking about previous relationships. He seems to really like the fact that I haven't ever been in one. I told him again that I just want to be friends, but I feel like he has an expectation that that will change. Last time we hung out he kept on questioning me about why I haven't been in a relationship. The honest answer is that I'm shy and it hasn't worked out with anyone I'm interested in, but I thought it would be hurtful to say that to him, so I kept mentioning the fact that I went to an all girl's highschool, and now he seems to have this idea that I'm just really innocent and happy being single which isn't true. He started asking if I was attracted to him, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I said I didn't know (which is kinda true - sometimes when I'm with him I wonder if I'm attracted but I always wind up concluding that I'm not).
Anyway, he has been out of town for a couple weeks now, and I am noticing that I feel a lot freer with him not here. I am feeling pressured by this friendship, even though he is a really, really sweet guy and definately would not want me to feel pressured. I have started wondering if I even want to be friends with him. Part of the problem is that he doesn't seem very tuned into me in some ways, and he seems to idealize certain things about me (like the fact that I've never been in a relationship). I would like it to be a casual friendship where we don't need that much contact with each other, but that doesn't seem to be the way he operates. I am realizing that it would be very wrong to keep spending time with him if I don't want to be - it would be really dishonest. I guess I'm finding it hard to tell if I want to be friends with him - I think he's interesting and there are certain things I really enjoy about him, but there are certain things I really don't. I can be a very avoident person, sometimes even with my closest friends, so if I don't feel like hanging out with him it's hard to tell if it's really because of him or my avoidance pattern. I go back and forth about whether I want to be friends all the time. I think maybe I would like to be friends with him if I wasn't feeling so much pressure, but it's hard to tell. I'm not sure what to do, but he seems to think there is a lot more intimacy in our relationship than there is and that definately needs to change somehow. Does anyone have advice?
The next day he called and asked me to dinner on my family answering machine, and after talking to my mom and stepdad about the situation I called him back and said I wasn't interested in dating, but maybe we could meet at the coffee shop and chat. So we did and after he talked about himself and his work for over an hour, we would up having a good conversation about spirituality. He perfectly understood and had experienced all these new spiritual experiences and thoughts I had. I wasn't completely sure if I liked him even as a friend, but we seemed to connect when he started talking about himself less, and I thought he was very interesting, so I decided maybe I would give the friendship a chance.
He has been kind of intense though: He called the next day and left a message on my machine, which I didn't reply to because it didn't seem platonic enough and I wanted some space, and then he called the next day and left another message, and I think left another the next day. We wound up hanging out for six hours on Sat., which was too long, and then he called the next day and asked me to hang out again! This was making me feel kind of smothered, so I decided not to hang out with him more than once a week, especially because he didn't seem to understand the fact that this wasn't going to turn into something more than friendship.
We've been hanging out for over a month now, and he has started asking about previous relationships. He seems to really like the fact that I haven't ever been in one. I told him again that I just want to be friends, but I feel like he has an expectation that that will change. Last time we hung out he kept on questioning me about why I haven't been in a relationship. The honest answer is that I'm shy and it hasn't worked out with anyone I'm interested in, but I thought it would be hurtful to say that to him, so I kept mentioning the fact that I went to an all girl's highschool, and now he seems to have this idea that I'm just really innocent and happy being single which isn't true. He started asking if I was attracted to him, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I said I didn't know (which is kinda true - sometimes when I'm with him I wonder if I'm attracted but I always wind up concluding that I'm not).
Anyway, he has been out of town for a couple weeks now, and I am noticing that I feel a lot freer with him not here. I am feeling pressured by this friendship, even though he is a really, really sweet guy and definately would not want me to feel pressured. I have started wondering if I even want to be friends with him. Part of the problem is that he doesn't seem very tuned into me in some ways, and he seems to idealize certain things about me (like the fact that I've never been in a relationship). I would like it to be a casual friendship where we don't need that much contact with each other, but that doesn't seem to be the way he operates. I am realizing that it would be very wrong to keep spending time with him if I don't want to be - it would be really dishonest. I guess I'm finding it hard to tell if I want to be friends with him - I think he's interesting and there are certain things I really enjoy about him, but there are certain things I really don't. I can be a very avoident person, sometimes even with my closest friends, so if I don't feel like hanging out with him it's hard to tell if it's really because of him or my avoidance pattern. I go back and forth about whether I want to be friends all the time. I think maybe I would like to be friends with him if I wasn't feeling so much pressure, but it's hard to tell. I'm not sure what to do, but he seems to think there is a lot more intimacy in our relationship than there is and that definately needs to change somehow. Does anyone have advice?
