|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Apr 7, 2009 16:48:04 GMT -5
am i going through a mid-life crisis or something. trying to picture what my future will be like. it could go either way. i hope it turns out well because i'm working hard. well, trying to work hard. Perhaps a quarter-life crisis? From wiki: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisisI already feel like I'm in it. I wish I could sleep when I wanted to...one small note, do not try melatonin pills, it'll only make you sleepy and will not do anything else (if you have insomnia). I love melatonin. I think it helps me anyway. I don't really have insomnia, though....just have screwed up sleeping patterns.
|
|
|
Post by shynesssucks on Apr 7, 2009 17:54:09 GMT -5
I like "quarter life crisis" better than "mid-life crisis" makes me feel less old. i heard that 30s were mid-life though i'm not sure if that's really considered mid-life but remember hearing it somewhere. Well, haven't reached my 30s yet but am getting there.
Ya, that's must be what's going on with me. I've never put so much thought into my future before. I guess it's always been easy in the past because being in school you go from one year to the next and so on. Your parents (atleast mine) were there to support me. They are still supportive but things aren't so easy anymore.
..hm, melatonin huh. never tried it but it's not like I have trouble falling asleep. I just don't have time to sleep until I take my exam in the upcoming week and then hopefully i can get some sleep...
|
|
|
Post by shynesssucks on Apr 9, 2009 2:33:55 GMT -5
Have literally been sitting on my butt for the last three to four months and today I felt like it was hard to take breaths. Not that I was anxious about something. 'cause anxiety (esp about the ex) is often suffocating. Sitting on my butt and not getting any excercise is what is made me feel ill and I So today I got on the treadmill and it feels awesome. The blood is distributing to my legs again and my legs were tingling afterwars. nerves are happy they were tingling with joy "yay, we're alive!" I could feel myself taking deeper breaths and it felt awesome to be able take in such deep breaths ahh fresh air never felt so awesome.
|
|
|
Post by rukryM on Apr 9, 2009 17:12:49 GMT -5
I like "quarter life crisis" better than "mid-life crisis" Must be what I'm experiencing now then, close to my mid-twenties and starting to feel more and more like an adult. (Sigh), Life is hard.
|
|
|
Post by shynesssucks on Apr 27, 2009 3:53:14 GMT -5
I slept in today because i knew my dad would be home. He's always stressed out and I just wanted to avoid getting into any argument with him so I stayed in bed as long as possible. Rest of the day was pretty good. My mom and I went shopping in the evening. Man, I need to work out i'm out of shape. I decided this as I was trying on a dress and didn't like how it looked on me one bit.
Things have been pretty relaxing for the past couple of weeks. Caught up with some old friends. It seems that every time I go away our friendship grows. When you're with the same people for years without any distance or any break from seeing them you don't realize the depth of your relationship. I feel much closer to my friends now.
Couple of days ago had coffee with a couple of my girlfriends and we caught up with stories of our lives and it's really amazed how much we've changed. We're no longer those carefree naive girls we once were.
Visited one of my gf (since highschool) at her new home. She's married now. Watched her wedding video and chatted. I am happy for her and at the same time I wonder if she'll be in the 50% of the population that will eventually get divorced. I really hope not. She has gone through alot in her lifetime and I really hope that she has a good marriage and only has good things coming her way.
Boy, I do love shopping. What is it about a girl and shopping? I am excited about the new coat I bought. Oh, ya, I also gave myself a haircut! It actually is probably the best haircut i've ever had! Last hair cut I spent 60$. I keep my hair long so I don't get too many haircuts. when it gets too thick I go in for a cut. But! i've discovered thinning shears!!!! I can keep my hair long and just use the thinning shears and I won't have to go in for the trip as often! That'll save a bundle i'm sure.
Money is tight! I have none.... No job. My entire family is pretty much in school right now. My mom is the only one who is supporting all of us since my dad was laid off a few years back. I am too old to be still depending on them (her). I need to finish school and get working so I can start paying off the loans and start taking care of my parents. I can't wait for that day to come.
|
|
|
Post by shynesssucks on May 4, 2009 18:16:03 GMT -5
Yesterday I went to a concert with a highschool friend, Jen. She had won tickets and she asked me if I wanted to go so I accepted mainly for an excuse to get out of the house. I dressed in black dress pants and black (kinda dressy top) and when she saw me her first response was wow you look so chic! I just said thanks. It has my goal lately to dress more my age. I'm seeing more of my friends dressing more professionally and less like unversity students.
My friend was dressed in jeans and a white tank. I wasn't surprised. She's always worn jeans and tshirts and almost always in black and white. She also has a large tattoo on her back. I would say she and I are very different people.
We're not exactly close friends. Actually in highschool we were friendly towards one another but we weren't really friends maybe acquaintances.
With facebook and all we were able to keep in touch though. After I came back home ( I had been out of the country) I had dinner with Jen and Jennifer which was few weeks ago. At our little dinner then Jen was to my surprise dressed up. She had on dresspants and I also remember she had on a little silk scarf. So last night as I was getting dressed for the concert I didn't know what she'd show up wearing.
Well, I guess I don't get out much that's why I didn't know that people don't wear dress pants to a hiphop concert. I don't know if that's a rule or not. I was the only one it turned out in the room dressed up in that way. At first I figured it was because most of the audience were much younger than myself. They looked younger to me. Even though i'm petite and my face appears alot younger than my real age I felt older than them. I'm not sure if they were alot younger or if they just appeared younger because of how they dressed. It may be the latter because there was a girl there who went to jr. highschool with me so I knew she and I were the same age. If I hadn't known her though i'd probably guess her to be a few years younger than myself as she wore a baggy red t-shirt and capris jeans that were frayed at the bottom.
So, the concert began and we stand close to the stage and I feel uncomfortable with the whole head-bobbing thing. I feel silly standing there bobbing my head. Looking around most people are bobbing their heads. If an alien looked down from outer space and saw us they might think it was some kind of creepy cult or something. There were one or two people doing some weird type of dancing that reminded me of Huntington's chorea. I noticed others were looking at these unique dancers and smirking or whispering and laughing about them.
My friend Jen was standing next to me and bobbing her head too. I started bobbing my head because i didn't want to be the only one not bobbing my head.
I haven't been taking the st. john's wort on a daily basis. Even though exam is done and i'm out of isolation i still don't go out all that often mainly because my father bitches that I spend too much money when I go out. So, to avoid arguments with him I don't go out that much because going out and not spending money to me is impossible. So, i don't take the pills since I figure what's the point i'll save them for when I do go out. So the few times I went out I usually popped one in my mouth like half hour before i left my house.
I think the pills only really work if you take them as directed on the bottle. So, I think that's why I was uncomfortable with the headbobbing thing. Otherwise I don't think I'd overthink so much and just bob my head to the beat. One thing for sure is that just the action of taking the pill itself gives me the confidence to socialize. Knowing that, I may just not take the pill oneday and go out. It'll be like taking off the training wheels off my two-wheeler
When my brother was little he had training wheels on his bike as he grew older the training wheels somehow got bent upwards so that when he rode the bike the training wheels didn't even touch the ground. I noticed this oneday and my dad took the training wheels off and he rode around at first a bit apprehensively but later quite proudly. Taking one pill half hour before going out for a few hours probably isn't having any chemical effects in my system but what i proved to myself is that I can go out and socialize with people without the pills just fine.
If I took the pill half hour before leaving the house I considered myself a non-shy person and I would go out and not be shy (relatively speaking). If I don't take the pill and go out I considered myself going out as a shy person and I would feel less confident socializing. Basically it's mind over matter. I know that the pills work for me if I take them on a regular basis but I now see that just how you view yourself can also improve your social skills.
I know people on this board has mentioned how they have been labeled as "shy". I have also been labeled. I began to break away from that label and I started telling people that "I use to be really shy but i've changed alot". I told Jen this on the ride home yesterday. She said, "shynesssucks, you are still shy". I figured she picked up on my discomfort with the whole headbobbing thing so I said, "ya, I am still shy but not as shy as I use to be". I truly believe that I'm less shy than I was before but I also wanted to change how she percieved me. I am NOT the same shy little girl I was in highschool. I am alot more confident and I've achieved much since those years.
|
|
|
Post by shynesssucks on May 8, 2009 4:43:10 GMT -5
I realized certain things about myself from time to time and lately I've learned that I'm somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to work/school or certain tasks where I may be in a position that others will judge my work. I usually feel need to be thoroughly involved with whatever project i'm doing and having learned all the intricate details and building up piece by piece to the finished project.
you wouldn't think this if you decided to give me a surprise visit to my home or even if you read my posts. All the run-on sentences and lack of proper punctuation and spelling mistakes. I don't get many visitors at my home I am usually meeting up with friends at their places or at restaurants so I don't feel the need to keep it spotless and orderly all the time and no one on this board knows who I am so I feel that I have the freedom to express my thoughts in one long run on sentence that can go on for half a page without being judged.
I do have the need to please people. Especially if I want a certain person to like me. I feel that if I didn't feel this need i'd probably never get anything done.
Couple of days ago I received wonderful news. My months of hardwork paid off and I did pretty well on my test. At the same time however I received slightly troubling news it turned out that my placement was full and I would be transferred elsewhere. At first I was frustrated but I did see it as a blessing in disguise. This way I would not be doing my placement work at the same location as my ex. I think I need time to heal and seeing him everyday would probably hinder my work. So, yes, it must be a blessing in disguise.
But! tonight I learned about the other students that are placed with me and I don't know any of the other students. These students are in my class but I haven't really ever talked to them and i've always thought them to be quite snobby looking. There is one girl in particular that is placed with me and I am absolutely dreading that she and I will be placed on the same schedule.
I think everything happens for a reason. I am trying to find the positives out of this situation. Perhaps being in a placement where I don't know anyone will help me focus more on my work instead of getting involved in drama and other social garbage. There is a problem though..I have been informed that we are also evaluated on how we interact with our peers. I think this is surely going to be a challenging year for me.
I am going to be very busy in the next few weeks. Will need to find an apartment, need to buy a car. I need to start packing my things for this move.
|
|
|
Post by shynesssucks on May 11, 2009 3:46:36 GMT -5
having had lost interest in guys lately and my jaded ideas on love being further confirmed by others' bad relationship experiences i've sort of turned my interest towards women! I'm straight! not that type of interest but trying explore the idea of being a woman, being the best i can be, looking my best without having the goal to please some loser guy in the process.
My friend and I decided to throw a girls party where we'd get super dolled up and drink wine and cheese and catch up with old girl friends (it was mostly my idea). I didn't tell my friend the reasons behind having a girls-only party. She didn't question my motive for making it no boys allowed. Actually I wanted to make it girls only without truly knowing myself why until I kept thinking about it and I realized that it's probably because I wanted to revive my girly desires to dress up and look good just for the sake of looking good and not for a guy and that I could have a great time socializing with girl friends, I didn't need guys to be around to have a good time.
I don't think i've ever looked better. It was probably one of the most fun nights ever.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on May 12, 2009 14:12:37 GMT -5
My friend and I decided to throw a girls party where we'd get super dolled up and drink wine and cheese and catch up with old girl friends (it was mostly my idea). That sounds nice.
|
|
|
Post by madiocre on May 25, 2009 5:56:14 GMT -5
having had lost interest in guys lately and my jaded ideas on love being further confirmed by others' bad relationship experiences i've sort of turned my interest towards women! I'm straight! not that type of interest but trying explore the idea of being a woman, being the best i can be, looking my best without having the goal to please some loser guy in the process. My friend and I decided to throw a girls party where we'd get super dolled up and drink wine and cheese and catch up with old girl friends (it was mostly my idea). I didn't tell my friend the reasons behind having a girls-only party. She didn't question my motive for making it no boys allowed. Actually I wanted to make it girls only without truly knowing myself why until I kept thinking about it and I realized that it's probably because I wanted to revive my girly desires to dress up and look good just for the sake of looking good and not for a guy and that I could have a great time socializing with girl friends, I didn't need guys to be around to have a good time. I don't think i've ever looked better. It was probably one of the most fun nights ever. Thats pretty awesome . it's funny how people always presume we only dress up for men when really it's not. In my shyness I used to think about having a bf all the time and that was my priority, Then decided it's more important to concentrate on making friends first and keeping up with them was more important than impressing men.
|
|
|
Post by r on Jun 6, 2009 13:39:26 GMT -5
Most guys really don't care about how much you dress up.
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Jun 11, 2009 1:01:27 GMT -5
Most guys really don't care about how much you dress up. ooookkkkkaaayyy. I think many guys would choose a girl who looks well put together over one that looks like a complete slob. But that's not the point anyway. Dressing up can just feel nice. It can make a girl feel good, prettier and more confident.
|
|
|
Post by shynesssucks on Aug 26, 2009 3:25:00 GMT -5
Haven't visted this site in awhile. I moved and for the past 12 weeks have been in some intense training. Up for work at 330am on most mornings, brush teeth, straighten the hair out, throw on a little make up and out the door with or without some breakfast and coffee by 4am. Made it to work by 430 am and to my locker get changed and hit the floor.
I learned quickly that being a nice person will really not get you far. People will take advantage of you, walk all over you, be mean to you. I think that is part of the nature of many people. Suck up and grin at those higher up and have control over your career and be complete asses towards that are completely harmless.
I don't know what it is with me. I tend to let people walk all over me sometimes. There is a threshold it seems. Recently, I stood up to a co-worker for getting into my business. I like how it turned out. Well, sort of. I do like the fact that the co-worker and I are still on good terms. We talk, laugh and go about normally as before. She was in the wrong and I know she realizes that now. What I don't like is the fact that I actually apologized to her. I have no idea why I apologized because I had every right to voice my concern and tell her to mind her own business. She is the one who really should have apologized.
She was getting in everyone's business. People talked and laughed behind her back. Maybe I should have done the same thing? Maybe I should have just kept my cool, not said anything but behind her back let off steam? That's what everyone else seems to do.
There were about 4 guys and 3 girls in our group. I thought the guys were laid back, smart, and "on-the ball" at all times. The girls, were aggressive, crazy, immature (including myself). The pressure was high. Getting yelled at on a daily basis, little or no sleep, no time to eat, sure it was a time of tremendous stress and you could sure feel the hostility among us sometimes. Oh, the competition, the self-boasting (all done quite tactfully somehow). It was mainly the girls I felt were most aggressive, go-getters, do anything to get to the top types. The guys were cool. Not that they were slackers. They joked around.
Man all the boys were so funny. The way they imitated people, told funny stories. I think if it weren't for them, Jo, Kris and I would surely have killed one another at some point. The boys kept things light.
I don't really have many friends. Guy friends=0. I haven't really had the pleasure of being around so closely with guys and girl for so many hours, having breakfast with them, lunch, working along side them, discussing with them, dinner with them. So, after this experience I guess i've formed somewhat of a prejudiced view that women are all crazt AAA personality types while guys are laid back, but do things methodically, acting in a smart way. We achieve the same goal but men achieve them with less drama and stress.
Probably the guys and girls kept eachother in check. Who knows if it weren't for us crazy chicks perhaps the guys would find themselves chewing eachother out too. I guess a guy would have to make that judgment.
So now i have a break. My roommate went home. Jo and Kris went home. Nick went to visit his girlfriend. Ian is mr popular and is probably going to a whole bunch of gatherings or what not. I've been home for the past few days. I have no complaints really. I get to catch up on some sleep. I went grocery shopping, I cooked. I did laundry. I still need to tidy up a little more. With all this free time there is no excuse for having an untidy apartment.
I contacted relaitives. Found out that my grandma is still ina coma. I really think they should let her pass. She's almost 90 years old and she has been in a coma for months now.. I don't even k now. She is on life-support. Ofcourse I wouldn't say this to them, her 6 children are adament on keeping up the efforts to revive her.
Anyway, tomorrow I am suppose to go and meet up with a friend. We contacted eachother over facebook. Suppose to have dinner with her. I am not really looking forward to sitting on a bus for 45 min to go meet up with her for dinner but I said I would so I will stick to my word.
|
|
|
Post by shynesssucks on Aug 29, 2009 22:30:26 GMT -5
Most of this holiday I've spent doing absolutely nothing. Sleep, facebook, wasting money. The other day I went into the city to meet a friend for dinner. It was so much fun to get out of the house for a change and see the crowds of people by the thousands and the tall sky scrapers, the huge neon, flashing signs. My friend and I have one thing in common atleast, that is, we are both social outcasts. She has a paranoia problem always thinking that others are talking behind her back. She's not shy like myself but the end result is the same for both of us- we lack friends. So, I guess that's what brought us together. Currently she is working in the city and she mentioned that it could get pretty lonely living there. I see what she's saying. So many people around and still you find yourself alone, that can feel even more lonely then let's say you lived out in the woods somewhere by yourself. Atleast in the latter case you can tell yourself that you have a reason for being lonely and that loneliness can be overcome by just moving. It's like when I was most loneliest is when I had a boyfriend and I was neglected by him. I actually feel less lonely now. I have a good reason for being home alone on weekends. What she was saying also goes along with the idea why there are more suicides on nice, sunny days. That's right, apparently, when people are depressed and they look around and see other people are depressed they are ok but when they're depressed and everyone else is happy, that depression is alot harder for people to deal with. Maybe that's why dentists have such high suicide rates. Rich, wealth, their work isn't all that demanding (correct me if i'm wrong; im not a dentist)..why should they have such high rates of depression and suicide. Maybe it's because when they get depressed they can't blame any particular thing for their depression such as lack of money or stresful working conditions or what have you.
I have started to do a little bit of reading lately. I find that alot of the times I dont speak is because of my lack of knowledge of the subject matter. I have been going to the local barne's n nobles to do some light reading and am really enjoing doing so.
I still have to figure out how I am going to save money. I spent too much money this week. I am eating out too often. I also have an untidy apartment right now and bumming around being lazy not doing anythign about it...
|
|
|
Post by strawberrysweetie on Aug 29, 2009 23:04:27 GMT -5
I've wondered how you've been. May I ask what type of training you did? It sounds kind of crazy/stressful. :S What she was saying also goes along with the idea why there are more suicides on nice, sunny days. That's right, apparently, when people are depressed and they look around and see other people are depressed they are ok but when they're depressed and everyone else is happy, that depression is alot harder for people to deal with. Maybe that's why dentists have such high suicide rates. Rich, wealth, their work isn't all that demanding (correct me if i'm wrong; im not a dentist)..why should they have such high rates of depression and suicide. Maybe it's because when they get depressed they can't blame any particular thing for their depression such as lack of money or stresful working conditions or what have you. I think I've heard that about nice, sunny days and suicides...and it makes sense to me. Don't think I've ever heard the thing about dentists, though, interesting. :S
|
|