Diary

[Slinky]

I'm so sorry to hear that Silence, I do hope you are doing ok given the circumstances. My thoughts are with you *Hug*

[Strawberry]

I'm really sorry you have to go through that, Silence. Hang in there. *hug*

[silence]

Thank you all I really appreciate it.

The funerals coming up soon and I have know idea how I'll get through it

But I really feel like I'll need this space to get all of my thoughts out eventually. I'm glad this place is here

[silence]

Hi guys

I just want to check in and maybe start posting again

Don't want to get into too much of the last year yet

But I hope there will be some better times coming up

Good thing is recently I went on a shopping trip with my sister and brought a load of new clothes which has made me feel more confident. I got some more mature "fashionable" items and finally some skinny jeans which I never thought I'd feel comfortable wearing but now really like. I got lots of nice complements about the clothes at work too.

I recently changed sections at work to somewhere I worked a few years ago (2014) as they needed more people. I think they moved me as they expected me to remember everything but I couldn't and it was really frustrating and I probably just ended up slowing them down. I think I'm starting to do better and I've have no idea why but my line manger gave me a good appraisal in a one to one we had. I would have preferred if she'd told me I needed to work on things as then I can't disappoint her as much if I mess up. It always happens when someone says something nice I ended up messing up and probably make them regret what they said.

I don't know what will happen for the rest of the year but I might start making some progress.

Hope you're all doing well.

[Strawberry]

Good to hear from you again! Also glad things sound like they're a bit better for you. We're usually our own worst enemy -- I know that all too well. It's good you're keeping your head up.

[silence]

Thanks Strawberry! It feels nice to be back.

So the past weekend I ended up going to London to see a concert. It was really good and I enjoyed getting away for a bit. What I didn't realise at the time is the show was being filmed and I do appear in the crowd a few times, I've not watched the whole thing but the idea of being on display is horrifying to me! Also looking at the other people in the crowd they look so put together and good and I just look like a wonky mess.

Work is starting to get slightly worse I'm making loads of little mistakes my focus and levels of concentration are at an all time low.

It would just be really nice if things started improving a bit as I'm going nowhere but I have no idea where to start.

[silence]

So I'm really trying to force myself to write this otherwise I feel I'll never get anything out. I hate how long it takes me to focus my mind :/

Anyway so I've just had a week off work and I am so disappointed in myself! I've totally wasted the whole week and now I'm here the evening before I have to go back to work regretting everything. I just wish I could make better use of my time.

The most I did was wash my car, take some posters down from my old room and move them to my new room, order some new fairy lights to replace some that broke and I managed to split two pairs of pyjama bottoms...

Unsurprisingly I've also pretty much finished all of my Easter chocolate already.

[silence]

Lights! Not as bright as my last ones but I'm pretty happy 

link

So there was something I forgot to talk about yesterday. While I was at Zumba last last year someone new started, now I usually don't talk or make much eye contact with people there, but for some reason she started smiling at me and saying hello. I think overall she only came a few times and we said nothing more than hello at each other. Then one day I saw her while I was out walking and she come over to me and we chatted a bit.
Then later I pushed myself and went to the Zumba Christmas party which was awkward at first but then I got chatting to a couple which was nice. Later this lady showed up and honestly to me it was really strange because she treated me like we were close friends and we talked all night and she brought me a few drinks, I hadn't planned on staying out late but we were there until closing. She's a couple of years older than me, married with a kid, but the nice thing was she seemed to accept my position in life and didn't seem to judge me for it. I think she must have done most of the talking because I can't hold a conversation.
After that I didn't see her again until last week when we met on the bus, she was with her kid and we chatted a bit. Then she invited me to her Birthday party which is this friday, meeting up in town at a bar. I didn't say yes straight away and have been wondering if I should go ever since. I still hadn't answered her text as I was thinking about saying no then today she text me again and asked if I was coming, I panicked and said I would.
So now I'm in a mess thinking about what to wear (like I bet everyone else there will be really put together and I'll just turn up looking like a potato), what the plan is for the night, how will I get to town, who else will be there, what if her friends hate me, what if I embarrasses myself or freeze up how will she react or what if we just don't get on and have nothing to talk about. There's also a really paranoid part of me that thinks this is a set up and she's been idk brought in by the government to get me because I'm a strain on society (not really but I am just puzzled by the situation) or when I turn up the whole bar will be empty and the whole thing was a joke.

The thing is she could well just be someone newish to the area and is just looking for friends and honestly everyone else in the area is in their 60s so I'm the only choice. Am I just out of touch and this is how normal people make friends?!

Oh and it's her Birthday do I have to buy her something will I look awful if I don't or can I just get away with buying her a drink?
      

[Outcast]

Maybe you can just a buy her any small token of appreciation as her birthday gift? I think that's what my brother would advice me. He's the one who is usually the social one.

There are people out there who are generally very friendly and accommodating. I guess you just found one of them? I think these people usually are comfortable doing most of the talking. So i guess they would also be more attracted to people who are more or less inclined to listen to them more.

The saying "Opposites attract" comes to my mind when i think about it.

[silence]

You know I started writing a response at the time and never ended up posting it so here goes...

Thanks Outcast! You're right I'm so grateful to those kind of people. I ended up panicking and not getting her anything, which actually turn out ok in the end. She had the party about a week after her actual birthday so a card and such wouldn't have been as expected although one person there did bring her a card but it was a bit of a joke one between the two of them.

So the night went well surprising I really enjoyed myself. I went into town on the bus and went to the bar but couldn't see her, I turned up a bit after 7:30 thinking she would be there already. Of course I went in and couldn't see her I kept looking all other the place and started panicking thinking I'd got the wrong night or that it was all a joke. Then someone came up to me and asked if I was there for this ladies birthday. I don't know how she made the assumption as there were lots of other people there so I don't think the chances were that high definitely not something I'd have the confidence to do! It turns out we'd been on the same bus together so maybe she made the connection that way which I was grateful for.

So we ordered some cocktails and talked for a bit then the lady (I feel I need to give her a name so I'll just call her Sarah from now on) and some other people arrived. I think there were about 9 of us we got a table and it was nice and relaxed. So Sarah decided to buy us all tequila shots now in the few times I've been in the position to do shots I've always been a bit scared I'll instantly throw it back up again but my first shot went well. The problem was a few people were driving so somehow their shots came back to me to drink! Most people there were older and married with kids but the lady I met first was my age and married with kids so I just ended up comparing myself to her and felt a but awful. I think I said Sarah was only a few years older than me before well turns out she's 10 years older and struggles with the same issue I do with looking a lot younger. She spent a lot of time asking people in the bars how old she was and most people said early 20s. We did bond over it a bit and I guess it's why she hasn't judge me.

At one point Sarah decided now was the time I should think about settling down and not wasting any more time so she dragged me over to some guy who couldn't have been less interested in me apparently he'd been with 30 women before so I don't think I could compete with that. Luckily Sarah was quite drunk by this point and I managed to drag her way. It was humiliating in that setting but if she ever decides to try and set me up with someone more suitable I might give it a go.

After that we went onto a few more places and a some people went home along the way. I wanted to leave a few times but we had agreed to all share a taxi home so I said I would stay to the end. I'm so glad I was able to hold my alcohol it most have been because I had a big meal beforehand I've been more drunk before drinking less. Sarah however was a bit of a mess and ended up being sick in the toilet. I decided to look after her for a bit so I could get away from having to make conversation with the others.

Then we all went home, I felt a bit bad as Sarah had brought all the drink so I gave her some money for the taxi but I don't know how functional she was at that point. The next day she did send a text message apologising for behaviour but I think everyone had a good time!

Since that night I've talked to her a few times but as she hasn't been to zumba for a while so I don't know when I'll see her next.

Other things that have happened since then is we had a local summer fete and our zumba group was asked to preform so I went along hoping more people would turn up so I could hide in the back or just watch sadly only 5 of us turned up so I felt I had to join in. Somehow I ended up at the front and we preformed a few songs I manged to not fall over or do something stupid. Hopefully I didn't put anyone off, we had a fairly big crowd watching and I'm glad I took part as I definitely wouldn't have a few years ago.

I think that's about it for now. Life Is never that interesting that I have a lot to talk about. Now to go back and read all the posts I've missed!

[Outcast]

Nice to know you found a new friend in Sarah. And congratulations on being able to dance zumba in front a fairly large crowd. I'm sure it wasn't easy to do. You should be proud of yourself for being able to take these kind of small steps to overcome your shyness.

[silence]

Thanks Outcast for always being kind and encouraging!

Can't believe it was July...

In terms of updates well starting on Sarah I don't think I've actually seen her since the last time I posted. The first half of last years I bumped into her several times but nothing since then. I am starting to wonder if she's moved away or maybe she gave up on me after I said no to a couple of things. I was starting to feel like I should've contacted her just to say hi or something, then I remembered my phone broke and I don't have her number written down anywhere, which at least gives me a good excuse for not trying! I could ask at Zumba I guess but I don't think anyone going now would remember her. Oh well it was fun while it lasted!

Work is stressful as ever. My ability to concentrate has complacently gone and I made so many mistakes just because I wasn't able to focus. I'm really surprised I wasn't given some kind of warning because of it. I have been wanting to deal with the issue as I don't think its normal and I do believe at this point there might be something wrong with my brain. There's no way I'll ever talk to a doctor or anyone about it that just seems terrifying to me. But I have started trying out some vitamins to try and help but I don't really know what I'm doing I took some magnesium as I read that might help and some other things. But I might just be wasting my time. I just know that I'm struggling to even sit and write this and I can kind of feel my brain shutting down.

Recently I've been kind of obsessed with the idea of moving out and buying a small flat. I just almost feel a bit stupid thinking that it would be possible. I live in a pretty expensive area and I am pretty fussy about where I would go. I need somewhere close to where I am now so there won't be much change so I can still easily drive to work the same way, go to the same shops, be close to the bus stop etc. There was one flat I saw a small 1 bedroom but that was £120,000 and as I'm completely clueless how these things work I have a no idea if I'd be able to afford it and if that's out of my price range I don't think I'll ever find anything. I just think one day soon I'm going to need some change or some life progress to be made.

Like last year I did go to the Zumba Christmas party but this year it was smaller and during the day. I had some mulled wine and chatted to some people I actually talked to the same couple I did last year and we joked it was our yearly meeting!

Hope everyone's well! I plan on coming back soon with some plans for next year. I just wanted to put something down now as I'll feel like otherwise my two weeks off work will have been spent doing nothing yet again. One think I know is I never learn and keep making to same mistakes!

[Outcast]

It's too bad about Sarah. Silence. But i think you'll be able to meet new people/friends in the future, so don't lose hope.

Sorry to hear about the stress you're having at work. Maybe that's got something to do with your problem in concentration? Maybe you're constantly thinking of something else while you're at work.

I'm not sure if its the same, but i think i have similar experiences with not being to focus. At work, my boss would often shout at me for having him have to repeat himself and question whether i understand what he just said or not. I'm pretty slow on the uptake, and it often shows on my face when people talk to me. I think maybe it's because i'm preoccupied thinking of other non work related stuff that i always seem to be just waking up from daydreams when someone talks to me and i'm drawn back to reality. I'm easily distracted and have many distractions nearby, so that could be another reason.

But when i get scolded big time, i end up being able to get more work done because of guilt i guess. I can focus more for a period of time. Haha. But old habits and if i get sad or depressed, do tend to make me go back to those same distractions all over again.

For me i think its a matter of will power. So i think if you are determined enough to do things right and focus on what you have to focus on. Maybe you'll be able to concentrate more. I've read in a book that it's what you always think in your head that influences you a lot. Its sort of like brainwashing yourself i guess. You'd have to often think on what you have to do at the moment and not anything else, to get the job done. Well hope that helps a little bit. I know its hard to put it into practice though.

Moving to a new place is quite a big decision and can be a lot of work. It's easy to get overwhelmed just thinking about it. Maybe if you plan and do things one step at a time, maybe that'll make things a bit easier to adjust to.

Nothing wrong with meeting with the same people last year. At least you feel welcomed and get to be more comfortable with them. Who knows. It could be the start of a good friendship.

[silence]

Hey again Outcast

Yeah I'm definitely slow on the uptake too! I'm not sure if being scolded would help me of just lead to a breakdown! I did end up mentioning not being able to focus to my old line manager, don't think I could to my current one though. If things get worse I hope they would deal with it by offering support rather than disciple. I do think there are a couple of people I could open up to if it really came down to it.

I've realised it's now been over a year since I last talked to Sarah which is sad. But now honestly at this point I just hope she's ok. She lived just down the road from me and to not see her at all is a bit strange...

I've got no further in looking for a place to live. I've tried a few mortgage calculators and it just makes me want to cry especially as I live in a pretty expensive area. But I am going to try to save for the rest of the year just in case. Although I have just made a big purchase seen below

One think I'm proud of is I brought myself a new car! I'd been having problems with my old one for a while and it was stating to make really strange noises. I managed to get it to the garage and it turns out the brake pad had completely worn down and with a few other things that were wrong it cost me £200 to repair. Now as it turns out a few days before I came in someone had brought a car in to be sold. My old car was a 2000 Micra and the new one was a Micra from 2012. I got on really well with my old Micra so it seemed like a perfect opportunity to upgrade. The only thing was my old car was small and surprisingly the newer Micra are pretty big but from what I can see most "small" cars are now bigger than they used to be. My main issue was I had no idea what I had to do to buy the car and all the paperwork and documents you needed, my dad brought my old car and my mum didn't know what to do as she hasn't driven for years. Luckily the guy I brought it from was almost the family mechanic so he was really good at talking me through it. The one thing I feel bad about is I got them to take my old car because I wanted the convenience of leaving one car and driving away in the new one. Hopefully they can make a profit out of it somehow I paid £2800 for the new car and with the old car I only really wanted the £200 pounds back that I just spent on it so it kind of work out as being the £3000 they wanted for the new car. They don't really buy and sell many cars so hopefully it wasn't too much work for them. I've had the car for over a week now and I really like it it's so comfortable and has a lot more features than my old one did I feel quite fancy and adult driving it I'm really glad I took the chance to buy it and I definitely felt like it was meant to be.

It's a four day weekend for me and predictable I've wasted most of it and now on the last couple of days I'm trying to do everything so I don't end up feeling completely useless. I've had posting an update on here on my list for a long time so it does feel good taking that off. I've also cleared out some old clothes and taken them for recycling. For while now my mum's been keeping some of her clothes in my wardrobe which meant my clothes were just being piled everywhere so she's moved them out, which made me feel like I should do something productive!

Still going to Zumba but the second class I go to is moving so I might move down to just the one class a week. I'm looking for something else but nothings really coming up so I might just go back to yoga even though I kind of hated the style of the class.

But in kind of related news I've been to see a doctor about my knee issues. When I was a teenager I twisted my knee badly a couple of times and on the second time I displaced something in my knee which keeps poping out whenever I bent it. Plus I've always walked badly on my left leg it tends to turn in a bit which is related to the knee issue. I've been to the hospital and the doctor thinks it can be fixed with some quick keyhole surgery which is great to hear and I've been having physiotherapy to make the knee stronger. I've had issues with it for so long and always put off doing anything because I didn't want to waste anyone's time but turns out it is something that can be fixed and the doctor made it seem like it was pretty routine. I've got a appointment coming up soon so I hope I'll get a date for the operation.

[Outcast]

Well, i doubt anyone would be slower on the uptake than me. But i know all too well how hard it could be to scolded by anyone. So yeah, its better if you could avoid it if you can.

It's too bad you weren't able to talk to Sarah for that long. If you're worried about her and know where she lives, maybe you can try visiting her or something?

Congratulations on getting a new car. It's seems like you are really enjoying it. I remember getting a new car and being overprotective of it. But now that's it a bit old, i'm not that protective of it anymore.=p Stay safe driving it.

Hey, i know how it feels to waste some time on long weekends too. Well actually i do it almost everyday.=p Congratulations on getting something done. It usually helps when you set your mind to do something.

I think any form of exercise you can do and enjoy would be better for anyone. Why do you hate the yoga class though?

Good luck on your upcoming knee surgery. I'm a bit apprehensive when it comes to doctors, more especially when it involves things like surgeries.