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Post by CaryGrant on Jul 5, 2004 12:01:17 GMT -5
I've decided upon my next two major steps: - I'm signing up for an improvisational acting class this fall. I know a fellow in it, and he described how useful it has been not just for acting, but also for social interaction. This will be a huge step, but I believe I'm ready to try.
- I'm going to try dance lessons - again. I've taken so many in the past: swing and ballroom, even private lesson, but they never sank in. I'm either missing the rhythm gene or am just too nervous. I decided upon salsa lessons, and once I get over the anxiety, I'll see if I can detect the damn rhythm. If not, THEN I can give up dancing. My goal is to enter a competition or exhibition within a year.
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Post by sushiboat on Jul 5, 2004 12:55:27 GMT -5
- I'm going to try dance lessons - again. I've taken so many in the past: swing and ballroom, even private lesson, but they never sank in. I'm either missing the rhythm gene or am just too nervous. I decided upon salsa lessons, and once I get over the anxiety, I'll see if I can detect the damn rhythm. If not, THEN I can give up dancing. My goal is to enter a competition or exhibition within a year.
I took a few group dancing lessons once. What you need to do to make progress is to practice the steps on your own, every day, several times a day. Whenever you have a spare minute or two of privacy, do the steps without music. Make it automatic. Then during the lessons themselves, you can concentrate on the other things besides the footwork.
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Post by spitzig on Jul 6, 2004 13:05:10 GMT -5
You might try picking up the rhythm outside dance. Just listen to whatever type of music you want to dance to in the car and tap your finger, or something similar.
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Post by CaryGrant on Jul 8, 2004 12:07:26 GMT -5
Thanks guys...I'll give your suggestions a try.
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Post by CaryGrant on Aug 10, 2004 12:14:05 GMT -5
Update time. Decided not to do the dancing, not because I was scared, but because I'm doing other things right now. I've made several friends in the last few months, and the friendships are deepening rapidly - very rewarding. I'm definitely feeling more like I belong in this world. One of these friends is a part-time actor, and I've signed up for an improvisational acting class that he took. Scared, yes, but doing it anyway. It's a supportive environment to make a fool of myself, and discover that I do not actually die from doing so. A side effect is a very positive outlook on life. For example, students are not allowed to 'block' anything - whatever anyone throws at you, you have to work with. I find that, when shy/scared, I block almost everything with humour, sarcasm, put-downs, etc. My actor-friend does not do that - call him an idiot and he'll take it and do something positive with it. Perhaps act like Quasimodo, or put on a funny face, or claim to be too dumb to understand what I just said. As a result, he can talk to almost anyone, anywhere, anytime. I don't want to be as outgoing as he is, but I do want to be able to talk to whomever I choose, not just those people who break the ice, or when in a socially acceptable conversational zone.
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Post by Kitten on Aug 15, 2004 0:27:23 GMT -5
CG, Just read through your diary; it was a very intriguing read. It's great to hear that you've taken the steps to overcoming your shyness and that things are working out for you Couple of questions: 1. What was the catalyst for this change? Was it simply a case of "enough is enough"? 2. I don't mean for you to doubt all the progress you've made, but don't you sometimes feel like you're leading a false life? This is primarily my problem. I hope I'm making sense here. I also suffer from social anxiety but hate living life like this so I try to get out there and make friends. It's tough for me, some days are better than others. Here's my problem, in the event that I'm successful, it never seems to last b/c eventually, I'll start to feel uncomfortable with people's affection towards me and eventually withdraw back into my comfort zone of just wanting to be alone. I feel undeserving of being so happy. No wait. I feel undeserving in my HEART, not in my mind. I know rationally I'm no more worthless than anyone else, but my heart doesnt follow. I feel so disconnected with others. Did you feel this way before, and how did you start to overcome it? I've enjoyed reading your posts, and good luck out there in the dating pool. Just remember to chlorinate it every once in a while.
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Post by CaryGrant on Aug 17, 2004 17:00:10 GMT -5
Ha ha on the chlorination! ;D
1. Yes. Then I found a book that allowed baby steps, and that allowed some real progress. I had tried Tony Robbins-style change in the past and been overwhelmed. 2. Yes and no. I find it takes time for some new behaviour, feeling, or belief to feel 'natural.' For example, when I first started going out, rather than staying in all the time, it felt odd and uncomfortable. Now I find I get restless if I stay in 'too' much - I want to be out, with people. What feels 'natural' has shifted. The Carducci book and my therapist advised persistence, and they were 100% right.
Having said this, I also discovered that who I thought I wanted to be turned out not to be who I really am. Meaning, I am 'naturally' about 50/50 introverted/extroverted, but I couldn't KNOW this until I tried behaving in a more extroverted manner. I had always thought I was largely introverted (preferring to be alone), but found I actually like being around people.
Regarding feeling disconnected with others, I had always felt that way, stemming, I now believe, from childhood issues. I didn't feel I was worthy of associating with others, that I simply was different and would always be separate, alone. Even marriage and children did not cure that feeling for long (made it worse, in fact). How did I get over that Everest?
1. I chose new 'mirrors.' If people I trusted said I was a good guy, attractive, worthy, smart - anything positive - I decided to believe it. Period. I did not allow myself to question it. 2. I made a conscious decision to reach out to people, to create a network of friends. It took months, and I'm still deepening the friendships, but it happened. Now, in fact, I seem to make new friends fairly quickly, though it still takes time to create deeper, intimate friendships. Again, I decided to believe that these people really did like me, rather than expecting them to run screaming as soon as they found out what I was really like. 3. I wrote many, many pages in my journal, and I decided to only write positive stuff. Not that I ignored reality or bad things, but I always focused on the positive things I learned.
I became less shy because I made a decision to do so, and that drove all my other actions and decisions, the most important being to love myself first. Hope that helps.
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Post by Azulejo on Aug 21, 2004 17:04:44 GMT -5
Hi I'm 26 years old and I feel identified with many of the things that I have read through your diary, I got some shyness problem as well, I feel bit better...sometimes I can be so cruel with myself because of my shyness I hope you keep writing your diary and sharing it with us take care
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Post by CaryGrant on Sept 3, 2004 13:38:34 GMT -5
I said I'd share some info about self-medicating, so here it is. I decided to try various medications - basically, whatever worked - to make me feel less anxious in certain situations, especially when initiating and continuing physical intimacy. Anything I find that works is intended to be a stepping stone only, and I am seeing a therapist to guide me through this. - Ativan: lowered anxiety, and also completely eliminated arousal. Not good.
- Celexa: too soon to tell; it will be five more weeks before I know. According to the shrink, it is an anti-anxiety medication that rarely has the sexual side effects of Ativan, and in addition is a much cleaner drug in all regards.
- Alcohol: got drunk, in that the world was moving when I wasn't, but it didn't make me feel less inhibited. Works for many people, but not for me.
- Pot: works wonders. Had too much the first time, and got very spacey, but inhibitions came way down and I let parts of myself out that I have not for years, if ever. I became quite comfortable sexually (maybe too much!), and had no trouble initiating and following through. However, it was too much, and I turned into a zombie after a bit, only responding when spoken to.
Conclusion: I'll keep using the pot, but probably drop it after the Celexa kicks in. I feel the pot is actually less harmful in some ways. However, the shrink says the value of Celexa is that it reduces anxiety in all areas of my life, allowing me to redo the "tapes" that run in my head in anxious situations. In addition, I am doing several other things to continue overcoming my shyness. My improvisational acting class starts later this month, for one. For another, a friend who also lacks confidence around women and I are undertaking a program to end this. Step 1 is going out to bars and chatting with women. Period. No attempt to get phone numbers, pick them up. Just practice being cocky and funny (Thank you, David DeAngelo of DoubleYourDating.com) for a time, then move on to another group. When we're comfortable talking with women, we'll move on to getting phone numbers or setting up dates. When we know we can get dates whenever we want, then we'll know we're confident with women. It's not about "picking up" women; it's about becoming confident in approaching women, asking them out, and going on dates. It's about the confidence.
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Post by Kitten on Sept 7, 2004 11:44:39 GMT -5
Interesting info. on self-medication. I am considering a therapist/counsellor and although I've always been iffy about anti-depressants and such, I will ask about Celexa. Never heard of it up until this point. I know what you mean about the pot and feeling like a zombie, that's why I stopped taking it. I do love to zone out and listen to music while high, but I feel bad b/c I get nothing productive done. As for alcohol, I have mixed feelings about it. It does help me get over my anxiety and have a great time, but if I overdo it like I did this weekend, coming down off it is hard. I get overly emotional when I'm drunk, b/c it is a depressant and start crying over the littlest of things or fight with my boyfriend when the alcohol starts to wear off. I was sobbing uncontrollably this weekend after drinking waaaaayyy too much, and I dont' even know why, I just felt really lonely and unloved deep down and it all comes out then. My boyfriend calmed me down even though he was confused, b/c I was fine before. It's not the first time, so I dont' know why I keep doing it. It's kind of scary. A glutton for punishment, I guess. Your plan to talk to women in bars sounds like a good one. There are so many different women and different personalities and drinking will help take the edge off. You sound like a very smart and likeable guy, you should have no problems.
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Post by CaryGrant on Sept 7, 2004 12:16:22 GMT -5
We didn't hit the bars this weekend; other things came up. But I did have some interactions with very attractive (to me) women, and realised that my thinking has shifted.
L1: New neighbour, recently married (dammit!). Colombian, very sweet, extremely cute. I opened my window and leaned out to initiate a conversation. We chatted for about 10-15 minutes, then I ended the conversation.
Till now, I've tended to let women - or anyone else - start the conversation and carry the burden of continuing it, but this time I did it! I asked questions about her to keep things going, and she appreciated it, I could tell. And, very definitely, I have tended to cling to the other person until they ended the conversation, but this time I wrapped it up.
L2: Met her at a food co-op meeting. A fellow writer, very bright, also very cute. She was obviously a bit shy, but opened up when I made the effort to talk to her and ask her some questions about herself. She even seemed interested in me...date-wise.
Again, I initiated, and I didn't allow myself to be put off by her initial reticence. I did not fawn all over her or try to figure out what to say to please her. I was "myself" as far as possible.
These things may not sound like much to some, but to me they were enormous steps, or really signs that I have made yet another step forward - and just when I was thinking progress was never coming.
I recently read that personal growth occurs in steps. Visualise a staircase - much of your time is spent on the tread, the flat part, practising new thoughts and behaviors, then suddenly you shoot up the riser to the next step. Often you overshoot a bit and suffer a setback, but some persistence quickly overcomes this and you stay at the new level.
It looks like I've climbed a step when it comes to dealing with attractive women, and am now a more confident person around them, more sure of my own worth.
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Post by Hermit on Sept 8, 2004 9:31:36 GMT -5
Alcohol: got drunk, in that the world was moving when I wasn't, but it didn't make me feel less inhibited. Works for many people, but not for me. Pot: works wonders. Had too much the first time, and got very spacey, but inhibitions came way down and I let parts of myself out that I have not for years, if ever. I became quite comfortable sexually (maybe too much!), and had no trouble initiating and following through. However, it was too much, and I turned into a zombie after a bit, only responding when spoken to. That's strange.. Pot and alcohol seem to have the exact opposite effects on me.. I get paranoid as hell on Pot (do get the zombie effect though) and get way more withdrawn from those around me, even with just a few tokes. Alcohol does seem to lower my inhibitions some but i end up doing something stupid and almost always suffer terrible all day hangovers with round after round of vomiting. (i try to avoid those! ;D ) Way to go with the neighbor and the other lady you met! I find it hard to keep a conversation going even if i am relaxed - trying to come up with topics. I end up dealing with it in the way you described - letting the other person carry the weight.
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Post by CaryGrant on Sept 30, 2004 13:23:26 GMT -5
The saga continues...and I wanted to say thanks to all those on here who have commented positively on my posts (sushi, Kitten, l0ner, and others). You motivate me to keep posting. I went to my first improvisational acting class on Tuesday night; sweated bullets, I felt like I was blushing madly, but I did it. I can tell already this will be very good for me. It forces me to take social and creative risks in a very supportive environment - everyone else is doing the same thing, and one of the ground rules is that everyone tries to make everyone else look good. (Even if this simply means not mentioning mistakes.) I also went salsa dancing Friday night, and that was not as successful, but still a step forward. There was a one hour lesson beforehand, though that didn't help much. I get so nervous and focused on remembering the steps that I lose track of the rhythm. That said, if you want to meet women...they outnumber guys two or three-to-one at these things.... And, if I let it, it can be fun. So I will go again! And, finally, I am headed off to Colombia in December to meet women interested in marriage. I almost went to Russia to do this about a year ago, but pulled back when I realised I was doing it to avoid creating intimate relationships. That is, rather than make friends and date at home, it was easier to jaunt off overseas where I would be a minor celebrity by nature of my foreignness and find someone to fill a hole in me. I was also nowhere near self-confident enough to handle a strong Russian women. Once I realised what I was doing, that's when I made the commitment to feel at home in this world. (I dubbed 2004 my Year of Coming Home.) For those keeping score, then, it's been about one year since I went from depressed over a divorce, feeling like I was somehow fundamentally flawed and simply didn't belong in this world, to having two good friends, several medium friends, and lots of acquaintences, to feeling like "I'm OK," to feeling at home in this world, to believing that I do deserve love, friendship, etc. So why go now? Well, now I am not going to avoid dealing with loneliness or confronting my fears. In this past year, I have had many dates and have overcome various fears relating to women, intimacy, and sex. I am getting more outgoing and confident all the time - and I recognise now that life is a journey. I no longer believe in "I'll be happy when ____." I'm happy now (most of the time). There was a mutual connection with only one woman in this past year of dating (out of ~50 women), and she was much younger than me. It didn't seem to worry her, but it did concern me. So, I'm going to Colombia to meet dozens of attractive women who want to meet me. At worst, it will be a great boost to my confidence. At best, I'll meet someone I really click with, and we'll see how it develops from there through correspondence and more visits. I also confess to being attracted to the exotic; I think most of us are. In addition to liking the dark hair and eyes, olive skin, and accent, I really like some of the typical Latin woman's values: family first, fidelity, "growing in love" vs "falling in love," not materialistic. One of the drawbacks to the much-younger Canadian woman who liked me, and who I liked back, was that the typical Western woman is likely to decide she's missed out on lots of things if she hooks up with an older guy - she could have been partying and having sex with all kinds of young studs. Also the career often comes first with Western women. As far as I can tell, these women are quite sincere in their desire for a good husband, and are not simply gold-diggers. I don't want to slag Western women, because I think lots of them are great, and generalizations are dangerous, anyway. So I'll just say that I haven't found one that works for me and vice-versa, so I'm going on a fun vacation to increase my odds. I see it as advanced speed-dating. ;D The Introduction Agency I'm using is here, for those who are curious: www.calisbest.com/. I will certainly continue dating Canadian women until I find someone I like enough to be exclusive, so I'm not putting my continuing development on hold.
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Post by sushiboat on Oct 3, 2004 17:59:41 GMT -5
Nice to see another post here. I've heard the same many times about dancing being a great way to meet women. Women love dancing, and we men tend to have little skill beyond free style fast dancing and hold-and-sway slow dancing. Dating 50 women over the last year, huh? Now that's impressive! Be careful in Colombia; foreigners are targets for kidnapping. Good luck, and have a blast!
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Post by Kitten on Oct 5, 2004 9:15:21 GMT -5
OK not to be anal or anything, but Columbian women are technically Western women, since South America is in the western hemisphere. You should definitely go. If you have nothing holding you back here, go see the world and what it has to offer. I wish I could pick up and go like that. I wouldn't put too much effort into finding a wife exactly, just have fun and meet women and be careful. If it happens, it happens. It should be interesting to see how you interact with people of a different culture, after all the success you've been having interacting with your own.
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