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Post by pnoopiepnats on May 4, 2005 4:49:32 GMT -5
Thanks for the article.
I'm going to have to say this is somewhat true.
I'll use the ex for an example. I started out being overly nice to hm. I have been told by people I am too nice and not just to guys but to family etc.
So here I am being nice to the not ex at the time and he starts treating me like garbage.
So then I would get fed up and leave and I wasn't so nice. He would pursue me like crazy then. Then he would convnce me to come back and within weeks he was right back to being an ass and guess who was being nice again? Me bingo!
So I finally left for the last time and got a divorce. Guess what? He still wants me back! and it would be a cold day in hell.
So am I doing this today, being too nice with the new bf? I don't know.
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Post by zaab on May 6, 2005 4:12:06 GMT -5
Get a load of this article. What do you think? *********************************************** The fact that men are attracted to slightly nasty women might also have its roots in evolutionary biology. Back in the days of the caveman, there was no such thing as nice. It was the nice woman who would walk right up to a tigerosaurus, try to pet it and be eaten. I hope she wasn't trying to be serious here. This is being an imbecil, not nice. And I'm not sure how nice has become confused with lacking all self esteem and confidence. I think there should be some sort of distinction made in both men and women. Personally I'm attracted to sweet, caring, sensitive, independent women. You can be these things without being a doormat. Bitchiness not required. In fact if you think it is, stay far away from me. And, anyway, its the inhibited behaviour often associated with "niceness" that may have its roots in evolution. It can be advantageous to not take wild risks (and not be eaten by a tigerosaurus ) and not be overly confrontational and therefore fitting into the community. Meekness is probably more of an adaptive trait than nastiness or bitchiness.
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Post by MrNice on May 6, 2005 9:46:47 GMT -5
And women are attracted to sweet, caring, sensitive independent men How cute
Standing up for yourself will always seem bitchy/assholish to someone who is all too nice. But you have to take these steps.
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Post by Kitten on May 6, 2005 15:15:55 GMT -5
Men don't want doormats, just like women don't want doormats. But this article seems to be confusing bitchiness for standing up for yourself. "Letting" a man hit you isn't being too nice, it's stupid and it's indicitave of a much deeper problem than just being too nice. I consider myself a nice person but I when it comes to my boyfriend I voice my own opinions, have my own friends (guys too), fight back if he's being a jerk and yes, even take some aspect of control in the relationship. I'd say it's a good 60-40, in my power. ;D I'm also sweet to him and I care about him, I do things for him all the time, cook dinner, make him laugh if he's having a bad day, go along with what he wants to do once in a while even if I dont' want to, humor him if he wants to see a movie I don't want to see. Yes, a woman can be both nice and bitchy without making her either one as a result. It's not all or nothing.
I know what the article is trying to say, though, and I have had a problem with being too passive in the past, With my ex (and now current) it led to many relationship problems with us. I was so head over heels in love with him that it was pathetic, and I know even though he says he always cared, he probably had little respect for me. Running to him for sex when his gf at the time wouldn't "put out", dumping my friends to hang out with him if he called, crying all the time, etc, etc. I couldnt' stand up to him because I was afraid I'd lose him. It was pathetic and all he did was use me because I let him. Eventually I started getting worn out by the whole thing emotionally and pulled away and started seeing other people. Guess what?? Yep, he wanted to hang out with me more and more. I now see that I never did it to be nice to him, in the long run, it was selfish because I wanted him to love me. That's what it was all about. And I didn't know it then but it was the worst way possible to go about it.
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Post by zaab on May 6, 2005 15:44:49 GMT -5
Men don't want doormats, just like women don't want doormats. But this article seems to be confusing bitchiness for standing up for yourself. "Letting" a man hit you isn't being too nice, it's stupid and it's indicitave of a much deeper problem than just being too nice. I consider myself a nice person but I when it comes to my boyfriend I voice my own opinions, have my own friends (guys too), fight back if he's being a jerk and yes, even take some aspect of control in the relationship. I'd say it's a good 60-40, in my power. ;D I'm also sweet to him and I care about him, I do things for him all the time, cook dinner, make him laugh if he's having a bad day, go along with what he wants to do once in a while even if I dont' want to, humor him if he wants to see a movie I don't want to see. Yes, a woman can be both nice and bitchy without making her either one as a result. It's not all or nothing. Yep, this is what I mean, striking a balance. How cute, balance. I see a tendency of shy people to think that since they're not having success with the way they are, they have to be the polar opposite. But it may be that they have most of the good qualities people are looking for, just that they need to make some adjustments, like Kitten has.
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Post by MrNice on May 6, 2005 17:08:07 GMT -5
This is not a tendency among shy people. The tendency is to view any advice advocating some sort of change in personality as becoming the polar opposite and reject it as such.
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Post by zaab on May 7, 2005 2:25:21 GMT -5
This is not a tendency among shy people. The tendency is to view any advice advocating some sort of change in personality as becoming the polar opposite and reject it as such. Well, yeah, it can be and often is a tendency among shy people. Perhaps going to a party and comparing themselves to the most outgoing people there and since they most likely will fall way short, they feel like failures. This is a common tendency. I've done it many a time. This is not the way to change and feel better about yourself. Everything comes in small manageable steps.
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Post by albetross on May 8, 2005 16:39:22 GMT -5
one thing about this article that didn't make sense to me was this paragraph. i've never known a guy like this. am i the only one? I know a guy like that. His whole life changed, he stoped talking to all his friends she didn't aprove of, stoped going out. his whole life was her
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Post by MrNice on May 8, 2005 22:31:09 GMT -5
I think some guys on this board are aiming to be that guy.
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Post by albetross on May 9, 2005 0:24:19 GMT -5
oh, yeah? how did that turn out? last I heard they are getting married and I just heard that about two weeks ago so whatever
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Post by pnoopiepnats on May 9, 2005 0:34:23 GMT -5
I know a guy like that. His whole life changed, he stoped talking to all his friends she didn't aprove of, stoped going out. his whole life was her that doent sound good. a person shouldnt lose themselves. A partner shouldnt want the other person to give up what makes them unique. I want a partner to have their own interests and dreams and be the best tey can be.
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Post by albetross on May 9, 2005 0:57:14 GMT -5
that doent sound good. a person shouldnt lose themselves. A partner shouldnt want the other person to give up what makes them unique. I want a partner to have their own interests and dreams and be the best tey can be. I didn't know him that well but the guy I know who was best friends with him said she showed up and that was it. They hardley ever talked or hung out anymore. I'm sorry but I don't mind spending time with someone or whatever but I'm not putting my socalled life on hold just for a date
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Post by wagnerr on May 9, 2005 19:13:45 GMT -5
It seems that the woman who wrote this article has committed the very sin she warns other women not to be: she has been too nice in the past. I for one do not see how helpful this article could be to women, other than preaching to the choir for approval. Sure, confident women can be attractive, but most often they're not, at least to me. And before you start, i am not your typical nice guy wimp; i happen to very adversarial and can be very difficult to talk with about things, because i tend to cling to my own opinions rather than others. But what is this article suggesting to women? To become an inconsiderate bitch, is that it? Uh uh, sorry. This type wouldn't be my cup of tea. And i prefer Earl Grey, FYI. I think most guys want a specific type of women, one that will offer them something not necessarily chalenging but different in the context of their society. I don't know of very many guys who want an opinionated, intelligent, challenging , and well, "spicy" woman. These are often attractive, but diffcult to get along with. Most men do want a caring, affectionate woman with a spine, and his means that as long as she takes care of herself, agrees to have sex on a farily regular basis, and prefers to get along with others, well, then she's probably one of the preferable ones. A rotten bitch is not attractice. Nor is a spineless slooze. Try to be a moderation of the two.
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Post by zaab on May 10, 2005 2:45:15 GMT -5
I don't know of very many guys who want an opinionated, intelligent, challenging , and well, "spicy" woman. I think I do. Can I have her number? Does she live near me?
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Post by pnoopiepnats on May 10, 2005 5:51:03 GMT -5
. I don't know of very many guys who want an opinionated, intelligent, challenging , and well, "spicy" woman. So tell me what is so wrong with an intelligent woman?
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