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Post by robini123 on Dec 19, 2012 18:54:02 GMT -5
Interesting. Ya, I can and do at times get a disconnected feeling. Not sure why, and until your post, I had not really thought about it.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 17, 2012 2:57:14 GMT -5
Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
Easier said than done, but I do believe in periodically leaving my comfort zone and pushing my boundaries testing my limits. The largest obstacle I have faced with shyness is my fear. I have in the past faced paralyzing fear... heck at times even the thought of facing a fear left me a nervous wreck. But to overcome my shyness I knew I would one day have to face my fears or forever remain a slave to them.
So fight your fears. View every painful step forward as a major victory... because it is! If you are looking for the softer easier way to overcome shyness... forget about it, because if there were a simple solution then none of us would be here.To overcome fear we must face our fear. For those who do this it will probably be one of the hardest and terrifying things you will ever do in your life... but the relief to finally be free of the suffocating shackles of fear is something that I just could not put into words.
Am I fear free today? No, but everyone has fears... its just that most do not let their fear run and ruin their life. Instead they deal with their fear, adapt, and overcome.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 17, 2012 2:28:09 GMT -5
Thanks for posting the picture, robini! I've posted my picture a few times, although I usually take them down after a few weeks. I do it to retain a nominal sense of anonymity (although I often don't think I'm doing a good job of that). I very much don't like the way I look, but I actually feel better after posting my photo because it's something you do voluntarily. I feel like in doing so, I'm making the statement to myself that it's really not a big deal. And you don't have to post a picture of yourself just staring ahead, there's often a lot more going on in the context of the picture, like your personal style, your expression, who you're with, whether you're doing something funny, etc. Thanks. There are so many great ways to fight our shyness, and the posting of a simple pic on a safe website like SHY United is a good exercise in pushing our comfort envelope.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 16, 2012 21:20:45 GMT -5
I don't think I'm good looking and people tend to agree with me. But I'm English, and we tend to insult each other quite frequently. People who've posted a picture on here I think are very brave. I couldn't do it. I don't even have any recent photos of me. Maybe we need a 'describe yourself' thread. One could answer a series of descriptive questions. I'm too shy to even do that. Who'll start? It'll be down to me, won't it? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 15, 2012 16:13:34 GMT -5
You know, in looking at the pics on this thread, I see a bunch of good looking people who should not be shy or insecure about how they look.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 15, 2012 15:45:03 GMT -5
Until recently I suffered from what I call ugly duckling syndrome. As a teenager I was shorter than all the popular boys and I weighed 100 lbs. soaking wet... the consummate 98 lbs. weakling. Now I am much older, 6'4" 215 lbs, long hair... and until 2010 I still saw myself as that little kid that was scared of his own shadow.
I had been bumbling through life with a severely distorted self image that was perpetually stuck in the past. What snapped me out of it was when I started dating again after my first marriage failed. What came as a profound shock to me was that I had no problem attracting women! This left me confused but at the same time elated.
I dated a politician, a business woman who made way over 6 figures a year, another woman who made a very good living as a small business owner, and other assorted women... but in the end I fell in love with a shy Canadian woman and I am now happier than I have ever been.
But how is it a shy dork like me could attract such powerful women like a politician and business owners? The answer is that I am no longer that kid... even though I saw myself that way, others did not. What others saw was this big tall long haired Heavy Metal guitarist... far removed from the kid scared of his own shadow!
As I met women I started to see that they were all just as insecure as I was. Each trying to hide their insecurity behind a wall of confidence. Men are the same way ladies... we all hide our weakness to one degree or another. In a mans world weakness is an open invitation to persecution for some. So men learn to put up that wall of confidence to hide their rampant insecurities. If any man says different they are lying to you or worse to themselves. If you lack any and all insecurities then you are probably a sociopath and have way worse problems.
My point is, do not make the mistakes that I have made, dooming yourself to decades of crushing insecurities. I now see that in time we change, for better or worse... but in seeing this we can choose to better our self rather than being caught in the self destructive rut of insecurity and debilitating shyness.
We are our own worse enemy.
P.S. I have posted a pic of myself on the "Post your picture thread?" in the General board if you want to see how I look today.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 15, 2012 15:04:24 GMT -5
My beautiful wife and I.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 15, 2012 14:28:10 GMT -5
How many times in my life (I am in my late 40's) have I heard of a mass shooting, then see interviews with people who knew the shooter that say things like "he was such a quiet and nice young man". Columbine, Virginia Tech, the latest shooting in Connecticut... and many others... all done by men who are shy, reserved, nerds, outcasts.
I relate to in a deep way being shy, reserved, a nerd, being the outcast... but I in no way shape or forum relate with such hate and insanity that I would ever even think of hurting another person. My shyness just made me a reclusive shut-in. At the height of my shyness it was just easier to avoid people. I never had any anger towards the beautiful, successful or popular... I just wondered why I was different.
My fellow shy peeps, never blame others for your shyness... do not blame yourself either, as you did not choose to be shy. Instead fight to overcome your shyness. Life is 50% chance and 50% choice so choose to better yourself, fight your shyness, or forever remain a slave to it. But if you chose to be a slave to your shyness, do not blame others for it, as the fault will lie with you alone.
I am not saying any here will shoot up a school or movie theater, but I do see some express jealousy and anger towards the more outgoing people in our society. Accepting ourselves for who we are, while trying to better ourselves, is better than being a jealous angry reclusive person.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 12, 2012 20:41:04 GMT -5
Stimulants just wake me up, but if I drink too much I can get jittery. As for as mood, I guess I am in a better mood in the morning with coffee.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 12, 2012 0:41:51 GMT -5
Well said OP.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 12, 2012 0:39:27 GMT -5
My first wife hit on me. I am here to tell you that it is a bad reason to marry a woman just because you are lonely, desperate and she hit on you. There are some important points of compatibility that should be looked at too. I failed to do this and wasted 16 years of my life in a marriage where we were more like roommates than husband and wife.
My 2nd marriage is way different. I married a woman that I have much in common with. She is shy, is disabled with the same illness that I have, we think alike on many issues... we are a good match.
When seeking a relationship, be picky. Have a list of deal breakers, for example, I would not date a smoker. Have a list of must haves, for example, I needed a woman who was laid back like me. This may make it take a long time to find the right one... but better to find the right one than to get yourself into a situation that you later regret.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 12, 2012 0:15:44 GMT -5
Robini you seem to be full of good advice. I appreciate that. Sometimes I get it right, other times I don't. I am just happy if I am able to help.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 11, 2012 17:11:06 GMT -5
I would rather have one good friend than 1000 mediocre friends. Life is not a popularity contest. It is more about quality than quantity. To measure yourself against another is a recipe for disappointment... in many cases anyway. If you feel you must measure yourself against somebody, pick someone like Mother Teresa not Miley Cyrus... or Martin Luther King Jr. not Justin Bieber. Better yet, just be yourself.
I understand the loneliness, but our time is better spent on working on ourselves, overcoming our short comings, rather than focusing on how well others have it. Shyness is a devastating thing, and our isolation is debilitating. But rather than being a slave to it, we must fight it, overcome it, forge our own path, not follow others.
My philosophy, be the best person that you can be... and if people don't like you for it... oh well... and those who do see the good in you and appreciate it... then keep them close and cultivate the relationship. Friends are hard to come by, wayward friend are a dime a dozen and of little value.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 11, 2012 16:42:26 GMT -5
I've been described as good looking by some women and I also keep myself fit by playing sports (which I love), so I can't help to wonder why it is that most men pair up with women quite easily, whereas I keep looking on from the sidelines. It takes more than looks to attract a woman. Back in the 80's I was a tall long haired Heavy Metal guitarist. I had no problem attracting women, but I had a HUGE problem talking to them once I did. I had no confidence, and for most women this is a major turn off. People love to tell those of us that are shy that we should just be more confident... well if it were just that easy none of us would be shy! Confidence and how to conqueror it is an individual thing... what worked for me may not work for others. I am lucky, I met and fell in love with a shy woman, and we are very happy together. I am in my 40's now and not nearly as shy as I once was. My confidence developed over decades. I now realize that everyone is insecure to one degree or another... its just that some are better at hiding it than others. There are some who would say "I am not insecure" and IMO those are the most insecure people. Denial is a sign of weakness not strength. Once you realize that everybody has fear, insecurities, phobias, problems, issues... it makes it easier to overcome, or at least manage our own.
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Post by robini123 on Dec 4, 2012 14:31:35 GMT -5
I'm not a girl but I can think of one thing from a guy’s perspective. It’s possible he may find your shyness attractive. I know I find some shyness in a girl to be endearing. Some really outgoing type A girls to me can be more of a turn off. I'm not sure if it will help you at all but if you can get the idea in your head that he may actually like some of the shyness then possibly that might help you to relax a little. Short term that's the best I have. I really hope this can work out and you can have a great relationship. I know one couple that met online and they are happily married, but they didn't have the same issues with shyness that we have. Unfortunately as others have mentioned above I think you need more of a long term solution. I don't really think there are any quick fixes to nervousness and extreme shyness. I used to be an extremely shy person. It has taken me many years of hard work and practice to be able to get just comfortable around girls in person. I am not saying it will have to take that long for you. I have just recently discovered sites like this. I had to work at it for many years without any support. I used to online date with the idea that because I was shy that this was a good tool to meet people. It took me many years to realize that I was actually using it as more of a shield or crutch. It was an impediment to my social development. From your responses to the others I'm not sure any of this will sink in at this point. Hopefully this will work out and is not a mistake, but sometimes I think we have to make mistakes and get life experience in order to learn and move forward. I don't want to go on for too long, but I had the exact same problem. Even when I overcame the shyness of talking online I eventually had to meet in person. You may not realize it now, but that's a whole new ball game and at that point it only gets harder. I was able to be prince charming online, but the second I met in person the same problems with nervousness and shyness came right back. Those first dates did not go well and there were rarely second ones. It took me many years to learn and realize this for myself, but I think you really need to address your shyness and nervousness before pursuing a relationship. At some point if you do want to do that I have suggestions you might try and I'm sure some of the others with life experience might have some as well. I hear ya. I met my wife on a dating website in 2010. Generally I would talk to a woman for a few days or weeks before asking them out for coffee. Talking online was easy for me, it was the face to face that was tough. But I always managed to control my anxiety and would come across at least fairly confident. My wife is very shy, so when we met face to face for the first time I had no anxiety or shyness because I felt safe with her. She on the other hand was a nervous wreck... but because I have suffered from shyness I was able to place her at ease and we had a wonderful first meeting. I too have by in large conquered my shyness... and I am not even sure how I did it. I am 47 so perhaps age, experience and wisdom are to thank. Dating when shy is a huge challenge, and it is those face to face meetings that make us grow. When I was young to be rejected by a woman would destroy me. As a middle aged man, I just saw it for what it is... different strokes for different folks. I am not everyone's cup of tea... and that is fine. I do not know about anyone else, but my shyness was based on an extreme fear of not being accepted. I based my self worth on what others said... and as we all know "others" can be very cruel. I think my recovery really began once I quit basing my self-esteem on what others said about me.
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